Jellomari [2024-10-15 18:53:59 +0000 UTC]

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Jellomari [2023-05-29 12:06:43 +0000 UTC]

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souletyler [2023-01-10 01:51:40 +0000 UTC]

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NRGPreview [2021-03-01 05:10:19 +0000 UTC]

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Jpstudios11 [2020-01-26 10:53:54 +0000 UTC]

Happy Birthday!

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KaidokJ [2019-11-03 12:31:10 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER27: Coat - For that new robot smell...

Which is a lot better than the old robot smell. That particular fragrance, brought to you by the same people who inadvertently invented Ode de 3-Day old Gym Sock and Lummox! for Men, was so bad that the EPA, in a rare move, actually declared it an environmental hazard. My foaming flock of ravenous guinea-pigs didn’t seem to mind it. Not so much the new one though. Makes them irritable. Made my neighbor irritable as well, but that’s only because the guinea-pigs nibbled off his leg hairs in a fit of odor induced rage. So maybe it’s time to look for a different signature scent. I hear good things about Pus Bucket for Formerly Apathetic Girls. I might try that next.

#PerksOfAnosmia  

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KaidokJ [2019-11-01 10:55:04 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 26: Dark - A face for deep space radio...

But he does have a butt for talk show television. I hear it’s already in negotiations with several networks about a primetime show slot. Of course, everyone knows that if you want to make it as a rear-end in the entertainment industry the only real choice is online streaming, so I don’t understand why his ass has been making a real…jerk of itself. You get your cheeks exposed on the cover of one international magazine and now you think you get to wear the big pants. Next thing you know, he’ll end up having to get butt insurance, and boy is that a pain in the neck.

#ButtsLikeBigBucks  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-31 21:57:36 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 25: Tasty - Needs catsup...

Or catsdown. I don’t discriminated against direction challenged felines. Not that I think either would make for a terribly appealing condiment. But if people want to use their cats to season their food, who am I to judge. I once basted a Christmas goat in half a can of thirty year old creamed corn and a vat of 5 day old Martian whisky, so I shouldn’t be pointing fingers. The goat didn’t even like it. When he woke, boy was he pissed. Thankfully, he was so drunk off the fumes, I was never in any real danger. However, there are several new holes in my kitchen ceiling.

#PermanentCulinaryBan  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-31 07:20:00 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 24: Dizzy - The walls are melting...

Which just goes to show you that you should never build your home from margarine. I know, I know, I should have sprung for a more expensive construction material, like butter, but with the drought, and the rising cost of milk, butter was just a little outside my price range. I blame my contractor. He told me that Canola was just as structurally sound as butter but contained half the fat, and since I’m not a qualified organic engineer, I believed him. And, there goes the bathroom. Dammit. At this rate, I’m not going to have enough of a house to spread on my toast in the morning.

#FatFreeHomeOwner

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KaidokJ [2019-10-31 02:56:00 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 22: Ghost - Return of the Noodleman

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men. Bald burping bounceable butt balancing blob babies. Ghastly gabbing unstoppable mouth flapping mean girls. And lastly, lousy lying contemptible leg conning tyre trolls. Down here at Long Winded Larry’s Emporium of Unfortunately Named but Largely Useless Marketing Assistants, we have the perfect advertising aid for an undiscerning customer. Due to a shipping error, and because nobody wants these things, we are currently overstocked. So come on down and take one of these horrifying monstrosities off my hands. Call in the next 329 minutes…I’ll be glad that you did.

#PurpleProsePerpetrator    

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 23: Ancient - I think I found the problem

I see you’ve got your ramset driver plugged into your nine iron and that’s just not going to work. How can you expect to get good reception or decent yardage without using a shaved Pekinese as some sort of buffer? My suggestion is that you upgrade your memories to some sort of flashback drive and then you don’t have to worry about losing all your dates to Sheryl, down in marketing. Of course, if you want a new system entirely, I know a Danish Wolfhorse that can give a good deal on a brand new system of government and will even throw in a free monitor lizard. Just let me know and I’ll get you her number.

#ITSupportStories   

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KaidokJ [2019-10-28 01:55:50 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 21: Treasure - I say we go left...

And I stand by that choice. In fact, when faced with a fork in the path, I always go left. It is a life philosophy that has served me well, right up until last week. An overloaded tanker exploded, due to an overheated burrito, just off our coastal hamlet. But don’t worry, no one was injured. The tanker was fully automated, which begs the burrito question, now that I think about it. The point is, the tanker’s cargo of low grade weaponized cutlery was jettisoned during the explosion and now you can’t walk three feet without stumbling upon a fork, sticking out of the ground. It’s been a very disorienting seven days.

#ALeftTooFar  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-24 11:53:13 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 20: Tread - 1, 2...3. Good, all there.

I always worry about losing my marbles. Sure, you try to keep them in a safe place, like inside my neighbor’s cat, Marquis de Bob, or buried with great aunt Angus, but sometimes I can’t help but get the feeling that someone is going to hack my GPS, bypass my PTA level security system, assume my multiple identities and steal my marbles. And let me assure you, my fear is not misplaced. I knew a guy who lost his marbles and now all he does every day is sit around intently reading the Chinese section of his microwave operations manual, as though it conceals some deep cosmic truth. And maybe it does, the Chinese are very intelligent after all. But I just couldn’t handle that kind of life, if I was to lose my marbles. Regardless of how hard I try, I just can’t speak Chinese.

#GetYourHandsOffMyMarbles

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KaidokJ [2019-10-22 03:08:27 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 18: Misfit - Who broke my flux capacitor?

Because you can’t just pick these things at the corner stone, you know. You have to order it, custom. It took three chinchilla enthusiasts countless minutes of meticulous calculations to conceive, and an unimaginable number of pipe cleaners to construct. Do you think it’s easy to fundamentally change the humanity’s understanding of the fabric of the universe? Of course not. That fabric is very unwieldly and is not, I repeat, is not machine washable. I tried it once and unfortunately there was some minor shrinkage. Nothing too significant, a few galaxies might have been lost, but unless you have a really powerful deep space telescope, I doubt you’d even notice it.

#ContriteCosmologicalCleaner

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KaidokJ [2019-10-21 10:51:21 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 17: Ornament - It's good to be the king

Or at least, that has been my experience. New strings daily, well-greased joint hinges, a good polishing every so often and all my subjects fall over themselves in my presence. However, nobody really listens to my ideas, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my administrators are keeping things from me. There’s been rumblings of invasion from that stuffy Plushie Consortium and despite several altercations on the southern border, my chambermaid, Judy, refuses to send in the Marionette Heavy Artillery. General Punch has also been off “on business” for weeks now. If I didn’t know any better, it looks as if they might even orchestrate a palace chicken coup. Something must be done.

#ParanoidPuppetMonarch      

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KaidokJ [2019-10-19 13:01:42 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 16: Wild - Attack of the Gooberbots...

Not a great deal is known about this primitive cybernetic tribe. The only information we do have comes courtesy of a covert palaeontologist operation. Their mission, to seek out old life and ancient alien civilizations. To boldly go where others had been and gone, a long time ago, in galaxies far, far away. Unfortunately, their operation on Pomlic Nort turned up little. In fact, only half a palaeontologist survived. Raving mad, covered in mud and leaves, with a metal bucket superglued to his head, his only message was this. “He’ll be back!”

#VagueAndOminousPropheciesForSale

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KaidokJ [2019-10-19 05:12:14 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER15: Legend - Damn you! You blew it all up!

I’m not accusing anyone, but if the guilty party would step forward, then I’m sure they will be rewarded for having the courage to come clean. I think, considering the severity of the crime, a mild defenestration seems like a fitting punishment. Or possibly, ritual amputation of the kneecaps using rehabilitated circus weasels. At worst, death by pop gun firing squad. You don’t want that last option. It takes ages. The last time this sentence was handed down, the poor chap nearly choked to death on a march-fly halfway through their execution, and we started the procedure in September. What’s worse, once we provided medical attention, we then had to start all over from the beginning. So, do the right thing and give yourself up. Don’t let your family live with the shame of what you’ve done. I was really looking forward to blowing up this balloon personally, and now that chance is gone, forever.

Confess! You know you want to. Please.

#IrrationallyInvestedInterrogator   

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KaidokJ [2019-10-19 01:53:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER14: Overgrown- Daily shearing long overdue

My mother taught me many things. The value of sporadic parental neglect, how to split pea soup cans with your grandpa’s dentures, what factory babies are manufactured in before being shipped out for mandatory military service, and of course, how to conduct high minded discourse in a public forum. But by far the most important lesson she ever taught me was personal grooming. First impressions are everything, and unless you comport yourself in the right way, people will surely form the wrong image about who you are and what you stand for. To prevent this from happening, I have always adhered to a strict regimen of excess hair bleaching, vigorously brushed nails and the periodic removal of unwanted teeth. I can honestly say that thanks to these personal grooming habits, no person has ever gotten the wrong first impression about me. And making a second impression has never really been an issue.

#ExtremeExfoliationExpert

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KaidokJ [2019-10-17 04:44:12 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 12: Dragon - Shoulder Massager for Sale

Sure, it’s been used quite extensively, and it was the prime suspect in three murders, but none of those charges could be proven, so you have nothing to worry about. It’s also very expensive to operate, requiring no less than 11 sacrificial teenagers, a moldy corkscrew, and a box of half eaten thumbtacks, to be refuelled, daily. But can you really put a price tag on a deep tissue shoulder massage. Like, really, really deep tissue. Like, “Oh my god, I’m bleeding to death! Tell my goldfish I loved him, and please delete my browsing history” level of deep tissue manipulation. Now that is the sort of quality that you just can’t find in stores. So just indicate your interest and you’ll go in the pool with the other potential buyers. It shouldn’t be long before we’re ready to start the bidding. Until then, I recommend you keep your head above the water, and just try to ignore the bloated, floating corpses of all those that just couldn’t wait for this sale to start. Besides, we clean the pool daily, so just avoid them and you should be fine.

#HowLongCanYouTreadWater   

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 13: Ash - Did I leave the iron on again?

I swear, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t sewn on. I know, because that happened. Twice. The first time was an honest mistake, really. I was hitchhiking my way down route 23B-7T21, on my daily commute to another co-workers divorce/funeral, and because I was in such a hurry to get there before they buried whatever was left after the settlement, that the next thing I knew, my head wasn’t where I last left it. But we found it without too much trouble. It was three states over running a weighted arm wrestling hustle on a pair of 17 year old grannies. The second time I lost my head was not so innocuous. It went missing just last week and I’m convinced my neighbour is using it to impersonate me at parties. I know that he has always been jealous of how wallflowers comment on the length of my nose hairs, but stealing a man’s head in order to pick up socially anxious wallpaper seems like a step too far if you ask me.

#OffWithHisHead   

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KaidokJ [2019-10-14 22:02:17 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 10: Pattern - Relax, don't do it...

I know that it seems like a good idea but I guarantee that this choice will haunt you for the rest of your days. Regret, shame, humiliation, not to mention the societal consequences should you still decide to go through with it. I knew a guy who did what your about to do and he had to sell his wife, divorce his house and hand his kids to animal control because of it. We won’t even talk about his dog. So as someone who has seen the damage and devastation first hand, I must beg you, don’t do it. If you eat that pickle, lives will be ruined. You can still do the right thing. Just step away from the pickle and we can talk about it. You must have something to live for, right? Family, friends, maybe a pet? I hear Lithuanian Aerial Gophers make great pets. It’s not too late. Why don’t we just leave the pickle here, head down to the pet store and check it out? What do you say?

#CaptivePickleNegotiator

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KaidokJ [2019-10-10 05:54:49 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 8: Frail - Extra points for the trash can

Can you believe this? What kind of an idiot thinks it’s acceptable to compete for Arbitrary Points by wiping out pedestrians, stray pets and various innocent inanimate objects with their preferred vehicle of choice? It’s barbaric, that’s what it is. Insensitive too. But mainly, it’s woefully inefficient. Every competitor in Road Rage Bingo has their own scoring system, which ultimately leads to rampant cheating and widespread corruption within the various professional leagues. Regulations would certainly help in this regard, but at this point, that is more of a band-aid solution. If you ask me, and you should, the real future of Arbitrary Points is in the ancient sport of dry bed bog snorkelling. I know some people are going to disagree, as they heavily invest in sports like soft cheese rolling, or legless shin kicking, and they are free to think that. But just you wait and see. Snorkelling your way through a dried up bog of peat and amphibian carcasses is set to be the next big thing in AP collection. Mark my words.

#ThatSnorkelHasBeenLikeASnorkelToMe      

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KaidokJ [2019-10-08 03:07:51 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 6: Husky - It's how you use it...

Which is true of any weapon. Melon baller, floral embroidered pillow, a roll of second-hand toilet paper, the ‘w’ key from a 1998 Macintosh keyboard, a taxidermied East African trout. These are all superior tools of death and mayhem but only in the hands of a fully trained health care professional. Technique is important. In the hands of an idiot, even a ludicrously overpowered energy based firearm is more likely damage the user than the target. Hernias kill people every day. Don’t be drawn in by the lure of big weaponry. Know your limits.

#DualWeildingSponges

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KaidokJ [2019-10-07 19:56:36 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 5: Build - We have the technology...

What can I say about technology? Well a lot. I could rail against the speed of its development, our growing dependency on it, or the mind boggling scale of its impact on the hard working Himalayan tapir tribes of western Angola. But I’m not going to do that. Today I would much rather take aim at a much more insidious force. Ranting Randys, Whining Whitneys, Whinging Wallys, Negative Nellys, Critics Christophs. That’s right, I’m talking about complainers. I have had up to here with the whole lot of them. All they do is sit around all day, nit-picking over the most inane of topics, spouting off a litany of complaints and criticism to anyone who will listen, most of which happens on the Internet, of all places. You would think, within this idyllic environment of social acceptance, altruism and personal accountability, the Internet would be the last place that such vile and despicable breed of human could thrive, but they do. They’re everywhere, and I think something has to be done about it. I don’t have any constructive suggestions, advice or anything really helpful to add to the conversation, but that’s beside the point. This isn’t about me, it’s about all those other complaining jerks. Someone should really do something about. I’m sure you’ll agree.

#RantersBeRanting

(Just to be clear, this was meant to be interpreted as comedy. I know, it can be subjective, so I apologise if this wasn’t apparent. Sometimes I miss the mark. As some of you might know, I usually write an absurd rant like spiel in my fav replies and this time I was struggling for an idea, so I decided to go a bit meta. If you were confused, don’t worry, just ignore the crazy. Also, thanks again for the fav. )

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KaidokJ [2019-10-06 02:48:52 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 4:Freeze - Only 9419 days till retirement

While I’ve never been subjected to instantaneous icing via freeze ray for something as minor as a parking violation, which would be absurd since I don’t own a car, I have been frozen a time or two over the small matter of overdue library books. Now I know some people might consider cryogenics as an overly excessive punitive measure, particularly over something as innocuous as late library books, but as a rehabilitated offender I can attest to its success rate. Okay, sure, I did say that I’ve been frozen twice, but the second punishment was just because it took me so long to thaw out the first time that when I was finally able to return the books from the first fine they were really, really late, thus incurring a second freezing penalty. Obviously the system isn’t perfect, but it gets results. I have the frostbite to prove it.

#MyAccountWasFrozen

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KaidokJ [2019-10-06 02:44:20 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 3: Bait - Eyeballing the Abyss...

I think abysses get a bit of a bad rap and for the most part it seems like this reputation is quite undeserved. Sure, you can never win in a staring contest with one and just accepting the challenge is sure to really mess up your noggin. And they’re notoriously easy to fall into, I mean there is no warning signs or anything, which makes getting liability coverage very difficult. And they never lead to anything good, like a verdant field of medically euphoric unicorns or toxically sweet frolicking miniature hippopotami. And there is almost certainly some unfathomably sinister being of unimaginable power lurking deep within that could wipe out existence with a negligent sneeze from who knows how many orifices. But you shouldn’t let these minor quirks sway you into a negative opinion. I recommend taking the time to get to know one instead of succumbing to baseless discrimination. Your life will never be the same.

#OldGodOptimist  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-04 08:16:21 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 2: Mindless - They came from Dimension H6

I know what you’re thinking, that I must have made a mistake. Everyone knows that Dimension H6 is completely filled, like down to the quantum level, with cuboid matter, as if some divine Tetris player after an eternity of playing had finally filled all the space. But I hate be “that guy” but you’re clearly referring to Dimension h6, which while syntactically similar, is actually separated by at least three and halve multiverse tiers. It’s an easy mistake to make, what with them all being part of the existential cake plane, so no harm done. However if you confused Dimension H6 with the pocket dimension of Denmen 4T9 and it’s sentient lint inhabitants, then I’m afraid there is no helping you. That kind of ignorance is beyond redemption and you should be ashamed.

#TransdimensionalGaffer  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-04 08:16:08 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 2: Mindless - They came from Dimension H6

I know what you’re thinking, that I must have made a mistake. Everyone knows that Dimension H6 is completely filled, like down to the quantum level, with cuboid matter, as if some divine Tetris player after an eternity of playing had finally filled all the space. But I hate be “that guy” but you’re clearly referring to Dimension h6, which while syntactically similar, is actually separated by at least three and halve multiverse tiers. It’s an easy mistake to make, what with them all being part of the existential cake plane, so no harm done. However if you confused Dimension H6 with the pocket dimension of Denmen 4T9 and it’s sentient lint inhabitants, then I’m afraid there is no helping you. That kind of ignorance is beyond redemption and you should be ashamed.

#TransdimensionalGaffer  

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KaidokJ [2019-10-02 09:06:00 +0000 UTC]

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KingGlory [2019-03-01 11:32:11 +0000 UTC]

Thank u for the favs!

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