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29thday — Wake up from reality..
Published: 2006-07-12 23:40:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 101; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 4
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Description
She's coldPale like the moon
Something had been told
Just a bit too soon
She used to be warm
Bright like the sun
Huge amount of charm
Always in for fun
Grieving is all she can do
Hoping it's just a dream
That nothing of this is true
But she can only scream
She can't turn back time
And no-one ever will
There's no way to undo this crime
No targets to fulfill
He'll never return
A thing she can't accept
She will never learn
to dry the tears she wept
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Comments: 10
It's very good, though the last part sounded a bit strange.
'He'll never return
A thing she can't accept
She will never learn
to dry the tears she wept'
The first and third line are a bit too short to fit in nicely with the rest of the poem, if you understand what I mean. It might sound better like,
'He'll never return to her
A thing she can't accept
She will never learn to dry
All the tears she wept'
I hope C/C was welcome xP
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That's sounds better indeed xP but in every couplet I used
A
B
A
B
and then that last part would be
A
B
C
B
So that would be the only thing that wouldn't fit.. But I pondered a lot about that last couplet XP Thanks for the CC anyway! You're a way better poet than I am XP
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
But it's the last two lines, and that kind of gives it an ending, if you understand what I mean ^^
And I'm so not a better poet xP I just like giving C/C on these sort of things ^_______^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
you write ten times as much poems as I do XP You aaaare a better poet ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
*mumble* But yo rock <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
