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3HoursAway — Happy Birthday, You Bastard
Published: 2006-06-06 20:31:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 1959; Favourites: 48; Downloads: 102
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Description It was a damn fine cake and Will was proud of his work.  He knew chocolate would be perfect.  Chocolate was Paul's favorite flavor.  And this masterpiece was now three layers of moist, delicate chocolaty heaven.  Three perfectly exact layers, glued together by a rich, orgasmic, next-to-black icing.  The powerful scent of its sweet goodness was drawn up Will's nostrils as he smoothed out the top most layer; his tongue sticking out while he worked the surface smooth.  This was the kind of cake Paul would ask for if he had to choose one last thing to eat in his lifetime.  Man, that kid loved chocolate cake.

Will and Paul had known each other forever.  The two were safety buddies in preschool and they had gone through six years of elementary schooling, always at least flipping a wave hello when they'd come across each other.  Sometimes they got lucky and were in the same class and sometimes they had different teachers.  There were years that they were close enough to call themselves each other's best friend.  Yep, back in elementary school, when being a best friend was an easy job.  

Will and Paul were in the same class in 6th grade.  They sat next to each other everyday.  They would hang around together after school most days and sleep over most weekends.  They played video games together and tried to start a band.  They went to the beach and talked about girls and music and farting.  Yeah, 6th grade was definitely Will's favorite, he thought as he put the cake in a cardboard box.  Unfortunately, as he was tying the string that would secure the box, he cut the tip of his finger.  He was thinking about 7th grade.

7th grade was that was the weird year where everybody started to change, if you asked Will.  That was the year that things like peer pressure and choices became a daily challenge.  That was the year when everyone you knew was still on the same basic social level as everyone else in September; sweet and innocent as the next guy.  But, by the time June arrived, social classing had been set, and if you didn't step on someone along the way, you just got pushed further and further down the ladder.  And sometimes, the quickest way up the ladder, is to let somebody else fall down.  Will thought that was pretty much the essence of evil.

Of course, evil comes in many different packages.  And, if you asked Will, the worst kind of evil doesn't come from the act of doing, but rather the act of doing nothing.  And in 7th grade, while Will was being called faggot and being shoved into assorted lockers; while Will was trying his hardest to be attracted to girls; while Will was struggling to kick or punch or bite his way free from Mr. Kurchik, the P.E. teacher who cornered him in his office that dreadful day, sticking his hairy, stubby fingers in places Will would try hard never remember; while all of this was happening to Will in 7th grade, Paul, his best friend, did nothing.

So, since they were best friends, maybe Paul wouldn't be so surprised to see Will standing at his front door with a wicked chocolatey birthday cake.  He'd probably just call Will a fag and gouge out a canal in the smoothed outer layer of the cake with a finger that had probably just recently come out of his boxers.  And he probably wouldn't stop to realize how much thought and effort Will had put into making the cake.  Or how much anti-freeze.  But he would sure it eat up.  Revenge really is sweet.
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Comments: 48

EnygmaticHarlequins [2010-05-04 02:59:38 +0000 UTC]

I like Will.

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minchanexcels [2007-12-17 17:08:22 +0000 UTC]

Ho' shat. xD
That was GOOD -- and so flipping true.

Damn. Seventh grade was pretty rough, as I recall it now.

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ElweArnutuile [2007-08-28 21:06:53 +0000 UTC]

I was very surprised with the third last sentence. That shocked me, but in a good way. Great story!

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xciex [2007-04-05 22:51:15 +0000 UTC]

hah. the title speaks for itself.

clever.

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Sheledriia [2006-11-04 03:28:10 +0000 UTC]

It makes me smile.

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urwesleyb [2006-08-02 05:57:06 +0000 UTC]

Short stories are my favourite. I love the twist at the end, and how even though it's short, it had all kinds of drama to it. You're a great writer Ian

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Bad-little-Demon [2006-07-11 20:48:15 +0000 UTC]

Twisted. I like.

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laily [2006-06-15 15:58:01 +0000 UTC]

i didn't put much thought into this piece first time reading it. for some reason i went back to it today and as reading along with the characters, they totally reminded me of so many things in high school back then. people always say, adults particularly, that being a kid is easy sweet and innocent, but i think when we look back at that time of our life, being a kid sometimes is even harder than adult, just because i really can't do nothing for so many things.

the story gives me the chill... not because of the ending but for how realistic it can be.

great writing.

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Lamb-child [2006-06-14 18:17:28 +0000 UTC]

This was wonderful to read.

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quantumbutterfly [2006-06-14 01:16:54 +0000 UTC]

Lmao! I was thinking "Oh, that's sad... why is this horror?" ...Then I got to antifreeze!
I really, /really/ like happy endings.

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brain-tree [2006-06-13 06:50:39 +0000 UTC]

Rofl this is so hilariously realistic is shouldn't even be labeled "fiction". Great great work.

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strangemuse [2006-06-11 23:25:46 +0000 UTC]

Two things: I wish you had written "orgasmically rich" and not the other thing you have now, and I'd have liked it better if you ended with the word antifreeze somehow. Like, maybe as an afterthought.

And hi by the way.

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RadioactiveCarrot [2006-06-11 03:48:35 +0000 UTC]

chocolate

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Sleepless-Dreams [2006-06-10 23:35:57 +0000 UTC]

you always amaze me. Great story. lub.

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Necro-moonie [2006-06-09 20:36:20 +0000 UTC]

That was really creepy, in a good way. It was really well written and interesting.

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ZandraSaiquies [2006-06-09 01:48:28 +0000 UTC]

Sadistic in a great way. Amasing work.

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artemisballet [2006-06-09 01:17:35 +0000 UTC]

actually pretty good..really, it was.

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snoozie-q [2006-06-09 00:32:10 +0000 UTC]

very cool although was hoping for more gay overtones ^_^

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ClaudeMonet [2006-06-09 00:09:21 +0000 UTC]

Hum.... When I saw the title, it reminded me of a certain familar phrase.

"You killed Kenny! You bastard!" XD

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thatpalechick [2006-06-08 16:53:46 +0000 UTC]

Awesome! One or two little errors, but they don't distract from the amazing story. Absolutely wicked ending!

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nightlydeity [2006-06-08 03:35:05 +0000 UTC]

oh wow! ian when i read that anti freeze...i nearly cracked, you write some seriously wicked endings!

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Spazzgurl [2006-06-07 22:42:21 +0000 UTC]

Very well thought out. Nice writing.

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Gata-de-la-Noche [2006-06-07 15:42:38 +0000 UTC]

Very nice story. A bit predictable, in the end. The result, at least, perhaps not all the means. Some grammatical flaw, but nothing that is that bad. Missed commas and such. But, overall, very nicely done. Well delivered. You hit the whole mid school experience right on. At least, taht's how it went in my place. A lot of people can't do the persecuted, disliked thing well; they take it overboard, make the victim antagonistic, almost asking for abuse. But you handled it very well, allowed the reader to sympathize. I honestly hate it when you read a story, and you're supposed to feel sorry for someone, but you have to say you really would want to punch them, given the way they are acting.

Well, I've rambled on longer than I meant. Very nice story with a happy little twist!

Later!

Gata

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callyn [2006-06-07 12:29:39 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Cool stuff.

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LadyPeruch [2006-06-07 10:57:10 +0000 UTC]

Thats brilliant.

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youliedanyway [2006-06-07 05:43:29 +0000 UTC]

I love it! It's poigniant and flavorful (mm... chocolate...) I love it. It's the kind of story that makes you wonder about people. Keep writing, babe, I love this stuff.

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coolvamp007 [2006-06-07 05:13:57 +0000 UTC]

Ian... as always, your writing RULES! You cant imagine how much I liked your deviation because it made me think in one "best friend" I have right now. I feel exactly like Will sometimes (except for the fact that im not a fag that is sexually abused by his gym teacher).

+fav!!!

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caytea [2006-06-07 05:10:50 +0000 UTC]

awesome story ^^ get the bastard!!

check all ingredients on packaged food, since they actually have started using anti-freeze (propylene glycol)

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ararothea [2006-06-07 03:31:12 +0000 UTC]

Wow.

That was really really awesome.

Poor Will.

I always hated kids like Paul.

Creepy gym teacher.

definitely.

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n-o-u-n [2006-06-07 03:18:04 +0000 UTC]

It's perfect for the apocalypse.

Excellent story. Great idea, and well written out.

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patukumchan [2006-06-07 02:37:49 +0000 UTC]

Holy shit. That...... was just as sweet as the antifreeze. *two thumbs up*

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The-Perfect-Failure [2006-06-07 02:21:16 +0000 UTC]

Oh my god, a definite favorite! *jumps for joy*

My god, I love it, Ian! I know you said it needs work in your authors notes, but it's damned perfect! It does remind me of the part in the Omen where damien has that huge flipping birthday cake ... Mm, it looks good. Although in the story ... I started thinking about what would happen when Paul's family sees the big yummy cake. Hehe, Will's turn into a mass murderer and he wouldn't even know it! :S Oh noes!

: P In any case, great one shot, short, but oh so sweet. Literally. I love it!

~

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paul-beaulieu [2006-06-07 02:00:50 +0000 UTC]

This is pretty great...although I didn't like the part how Will's best friend who turns out to be a jackass shares my name :S But you're right. Chocolate is my favorite! Great job Ian! Keep em coming!

Later days!

-Paul Beaulieu<3

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MyChemicalPixie [2006-06-07 01:51:38 +0000 UTC]

Nicely done, Ian! I enjoyed reading this! *thumbsup* GOOD JOB, I LIKE IT A LOT!!

*big hugs* I misssed yoooou..!!!

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ghostwhitehorse [2006-06-07 01:47:35 +0000 UTC]

reads like a "Nightgallery" script idea ( show by Rod Serling that he did after the Twilight Zone went caput. . . ) Excellent

one suggestion though. . . the ". . .You Bastard" in the title kind of hints at the conclusion, maybe leaving it merely "Happy Birthday" might give the ending more of a punch, or maybe "Happy Birthday. . . . old Friend" for a little subtle irony? Just a thought. . . . oh, and

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Cuillioc [2006-06-07 00:52:55 +0000 UTC]

Excellent work. Sweet ending.

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Rainbowriffic [2006-06-06 23:45:00 +0000 UTC]

That is so true about seventh grade. One moment you're someone's best friend and when you return to school they've been adopted into some group and hate you because the kids that are making them popular hate you...

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empty-phantom [2006-06-06 23:42:24 +0000 UTC]

Revenge is truly sweet. And its a best dish served cold, ice cold. ^-^.

I love this story, tis amazing. I always love your writing.

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LostDot [2006-06-06 23:10:37 +0000 UTC]

I love it. 8D
The ending is great. xD;

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kimosa [2006-06-06 23:01:11 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Nice little twist at the end. Made me read it again. I think theres one or two grammatical errors. But its pretty awesome (:

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sissismay [2006-06-06 22:59:46 +0000 UTC]

haha that is great.

sweet revenge.

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imaginaryending [2006-06-06 22:54:37 +0000 UTC]

holy crap!!!!!!!! 0_0
first i was all like... "awwww thats so sweet"
and then i was like... "DAMN that kid knows his stuff!"
lol! this was totally awesome. Kinda frightful, but totally awesome none the less.

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son-of-khaos [2006-06-06 22:42:00 +0000 UTC]

hehehe... dont give me any ideas...

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Cu-Ifrinn [2006-06-06 21:24:21 +0000 UTC]

Rock on! It's awsome!! No work? If I could write like that with no effort...wow...

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oyf-brodie [2006-06-06 20:52:12 +0000 UTC]

Wow. That is effing awesome. Nice delivery, not too obvious, and very well written.

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jvg246 [2006-06-06 20:44:12 +0000 UTC]

You rock at writing!!! Amazing as always.

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A-Silenced-Heart [2006-06-06 20:40:25 +0000 UTC]

haha aw ian i love the title
BRILLIANT

aw fun times kiddo

psh you and your krazy awesome writing

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EternalMisery [2006-06-06 20:37:36 +0000 UTC]

Wow, love the ending.
I don't think you need any work. In short stories, this is very well done.

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