Toasty-Coconut [2012-01-22 05:08:10 +0000 UTC]
Review time~
BASIC INFO
-Uh. She's REALLY short. Anything under 4'10" is consider to be a midget. So I think you got her height wrong.
-For eyes, just say blue. Being too specific with things like that can come off as sounding like a sue.
-Her body type doesn't make sense to me. How can she be strong, and yet slim and tiny?If a person is strong, especially very strong, they're going to have significant muscle definition. Look at Ed, for example.
-You're missing a few things that are required for the official template: Age, date of birth, nicknames, place of birth, residence, education and occupation. We need all of that info. Please include it.
FAMILY
-You'll have to go more in detail about this abandonment. It seems like it would be very important to her character. You have to figure out why the abandoned her. Being abandoned typically tends to have an effect on people. Even if it happened as a baby.
-Her teacher sounds A LOT like Izumi. You don't want to do that. It sounds very sueish. She has amazing strength, alchemic abilities, is strict and a teacher. I would change her to make her less like Izumi.
PERSONALITY
-Ah. She seems very split... Unless you have bipolar disorder, this can't really apply. Sweet natured, but a monster when angered? If you want people to take your character seriously, you can't really do things like this. It comes off as a sue-like trait.
-For her likes and dislikes, please put them in list format. It makes it a lot easier for the staff to read.
-In her likes and dislikes, give her more likes that involve objects and things like that. She needs more. She needs a lot more dislikes as well.
-Finding the color purple seems very random. I don't think I know anyone who's afraid of a color lol.
-She needs A LOT more fears. Just one isn't going to cut it. Her one fear also doesn't seem completely logical to me. If that is going to be one of her fears, then it needs more depth.
-Her dream... I don't buy it. There needs to be something more specific than that. Saving people isn't a dream. Saving people from what? A fire? Poverty? Hunger? Her dream needs to be something like "a firefighter, so that she can help save lives". Obviously I don't think she should be a firefighter, but just saving people doesn't cut it. Specifics please.
-Twirling the end of her hair isn't a flaw. It's a habit.
-The rest of her flaws... I really don't buy these either. Being a bad liar isn't a flaw. Lying usually tends to be bad. Thus making being bad at it, not a flaw. Klutziness is a flaw, but we aren't crazy over the way you worded it. The way you apply klutziness makes it not a flaw. She makes mistakes but still always wins? Not a flaw then. We're looking for flaws in her personality. She needs many more flaws. Nobody's perfect and nice all the time.
ABILITIES
-This looks fine. But more detail would be nice.
FUN FACTS
-She needs more. More that connect to who she is as a character. These two facts especially don't really tell us anything about her. A lot of people can't draw. And most people love to laugh. We want fun facts that show uniqueness.
BACK STORY
-This needs a lot more to it. I feel like I didn't learn much about her back story through this.
-Why are they traveling so much? It seems random. People don't travel for no reason unless they're a nomad.
-What do you mean she saw families grow? Isn't it just her and her teacher together?
-She never felt the feeling of being loved? Does her teacher not love her? If she's the one who took her in and raised her then I would think that she has to.
-Where was she seeing these alchemists? How were they saving lives and why did this inspire her?
OVERALL
I see a lot of need for improvement in this. You needs to go more in depth with your details and tell us more about who she is as a character and why she would fit into the world of FMA. At this point she seems under developed, but keep working and you'll get there.
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8DarkAngel8 In reply to Toasty-Coconut [2012-01-22 07:21:46 +0000 UTC]
okay, so i basically need to improve this by writing more in depth and less sueish. Is there a redo on making the profile or do I just leave it the way it is?
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