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Description
I wake up to find another light has flickered and died.  People you care about are lights.  They add brightness to one’s life… and keep you from the darkness.  You may not notice each individual light is there everyday but… once it dies you realize just how important that light was.  You don’t realize something is there until it leaves you.  The curse of mankind...

He is gone.

I know it.  I repeat it inside my head.  Over and over.  It just won’t register.  Every time, I open the door and walk into the nostalgic house, I expect to see him sitting there in his chair like he always is.  We’d exchange greetings and I would always go over to there to hug him.  I couldn’t see his face for mine was buried into his torso.  Okaasan would always say his face would brighten up as I wrapped my arms around him.  The warmth was a wonderful feeling.  It took every negative emotion away.  It was… heaven in its own way.

But now… he is gone.  His existence erased from the cruel world.  His brightness….   Kindness…  Generosity….  Everything… My memory is vivid.  I still expect him to make an unexpected visit to bring a treat over.  Sushi, fried rice, and other various items I all loved.  His gruffness would hide his kindness.  I was not the only one who loved and treasured him.  Many did.  He was the perfect example of a human being, pure of sin, unlike me.  Perhaps I pay for my sin that one of my most loved beings was stripped from me.  I touched something so pure with my tainted hands.  And now… I pay the price.

I lie in the bed engulfed in darkness and silence.  It has been one day since the light has died.  The tears I have shed have long since dried and I no longer have anything to shed.  My eyes close.  A feeling of emptiness and guilt runs through my veins.  His death wasn’t my fault… but I left my okaasan with a scene that will never leave her.  It is my fault she saw her own father die before her.

Cancer was the murderer.  He was diagnosed in April.  The cursed month of my birth.  I knew what cancer could do.  It took my Uncle.  I knew what cancer was and what happened to people.  But… many people survived as well.  It was too early to know his fate.  The thought knotted my stomach but I could never imagine the beloved light leaving me.  He was immortal.  He was always there.  Untouchable by whatever stood in his path.

As the months drew on and summer arrived, he was still there.  Still untouchable.  He was getting weak but I still never thought the light would be stripped from the world.  I was to take care of him.  Me, a tainted being!  I was shocked and yet, I knew my responsibility and took the task.  However, I happened to forget something and had to return home to retrieve it.  This left my okaasan to temporarily take the job.

At home, we arrived.  I gathered my things.  A phone call broke the quietness of the house.  It was my okaasan sounded distressed and on the brink, if not already in, tears.  I gave the phone to my father and after a few long seconds, we left the house leaving my aniki and younger sister at the house.  I don’t know what pulled me to go.  Something told me to.  Almost like I would regret it if I didn’t.

When we arrived, the police and ambulance were already there.  My okaasan was in tears.  She explained what happened.  She was assisting him to the bathroom.  On the way back, however, he collapsed never to regain consciousness again.  I knew he was gone.  My calm demeanor of a mask broke.  It shattered into a million pieces.  I still couldn’t believe it.  I lost control and locked myself in the bathroom.  The tears were shed and landed on the rug of the bathroom.  They were endless.  I couldn’t stop them.  I kept telling myself.  He isn’t gone.  He isn’t gone.  In a few minutes, he’ll be rushed to the hospital and everything will eventually be okay.  But my body knew my mind was building a wall of lies.  The tears would not stop.

Because of my stupid mistake, my okaasan saw her father die before her.  The guilt runs through my veins never to be erased…  It is a heavy burden.  I think.  It should have been me to have suffered.  After all these years, the guilt has not lessened.  If any, it has grown.

My eyes close on the bed.  Engulfed in darkness.  I should forever stay here.  In the darkness.  To pay for what I have done to the one who gave me life.  Is that my gift to her?  Perhaps my life should end to pay for this sin…  No.  That would be the easy way out.  I have to live with this guilt.  This horrible feeling that will never leave me.  I have to relive that painful day and the painful memories.  It is my redemption.

Not much is left.  I put on a façade so I seem normal.  I seem happy and content with life.  I have friends like every other person my age.  However, unlike themselves that are close and open to others, I build an invisible barrier.  Separated.  Tainted.  I cannot stain them too.  I feel that if I get close to any others that I didn’t know before the day, I will have to experience such pain again.  A childish way to keep myself safe from harm.  I will still feel pain when my other beings of light leave me but if I don’t add any more, the pain will end eventually.  Perhaps, under my teenage exterior, under my maturity, I am still a child.  Afraid to face such pain again.  Maybe.  Still, I must live with my guilt and pain until the day I die. I deserve the pain.  I am tainted.  Impure.  The memory of the day haunts me.  I am guilty.  It is my fault.  Not much is left.  Maybe I’m losing myself.  Buried in my guilt and pain.  Am I waiting for someone to save me?  No, there is no one that will release me.  Not a tainted being such as I.

More tears are shed.  A sign of weakness.  The memory of his existence is almost haunting.  Yet, it eases me.  Still, the lies and guilt break me.  I have many facades.  I live life mostly with my facades now.  A happy self.  An angry self.  A serious self.  They all mask my pain and true self.  Now, my facades are engraved into me and we have become one.  I have lost myself amid all my facades.  The pain hurts.  The fact I’m fake and real at the same time hurts.  Everything hurts…

I am lost in my pain.  It is not physical, but emotional.  Physical pain can be healed, but emotional scars are much harder to heal and some are forever engraved the person.  I don’t know if I have reached that point yet.  I probably will soon.

In sleep I am comforted.  It is a thoughtless, dreamless existence.  It is peaceful…  The memories don’t haunt me.  But when I wake, they arrive.

The memories of him will haunt me. What I have done…  My guilt…  I will drown in it soon.

I don’t have much time as my true self.  It will be eaten by the façade.  Perhaps that isn’t so bad.  The guilt will end and I will become normal.  But… I will not have repented for my sin.  I will live in happiness instead of guilt and emptiness.  Though something tells me no matter what I do, no matter how much I’ll change, no matter how much I forget, this guilt, emptiness and pain will always be inside me.

His existence is gone.  But the memory isn’t.  It will forever haunt me, and I must repent and live in my endless sea of guilt, regret, pain, and emptiness.

Someday it will end.  My life will end alone, by myself.  In my unbearable pain.  The memories will forever stay with me.  The pain and guilt will be forever with me.  If I were to say, my guilt and emptiness will be the object that will end my life.  Until then, I will suffer…

To repent for my sin.

Description
I wake up to find another light has flickered and died.  People you care about are lights.  They add brightness to one’s life… and keep you from the darkness.  You may not notice each individual light is there everyday but… once it dies you realize just how important that light was.  You don’t realize something is there until it leaves you.  The curse of mankind...

He is gone.

I know it.  I repeat it inside my head.  Over and over.  It just won’t register.  Every time, I open the door and walk into the nostalgic house, I expect to see him sitting there in his chair like he always is.  We’d exchange greetings and I would always go over to there to hug him.  I couldn’t see his face for mine was buried into his torso.  Okaasan would always say his face would brighten up as I wrapped my arms around him.  The warmth was a wonderful feeling.  It took every negative emotion away.  It was… heaven in its own way.

But now… he is gone.  His existence erased from the cruel world.  His brightness….   Kindness…  Generosity….  Everything… My memory is vivid.  I still expect him to make an unexpected visit to bring a treat over.  Sushi, fried rice, and other various items I all loved.  His gruffness would hide his kindness.  I was not the only one who loved and treasured him.  Many did.  He was the perfect example of a human being, pure of sin, unlike me.  Perhaps I pay for my sin that one of my most loved beings was stripped from me.  I touched something so pure with my tainted hands.  And now… I pay the price.

I lie in the bed engulfed in darkness and silence.  It has been one day since the light has died.  The tears I have shed have long since dried and I no longer have anything to shed.  My eyes close.  A feeling of emptiness and guilt runs through my veins.  His death wasn’t my fault… but I left my okaasan with a scene that will never leave her.  It is my fault she saw her own father die before her.

Cancer was the murderer.  He was diagnosed in April.  The cursed month of my birth.  I knew what cancer could do.  It took my Uncle.  I knew what cancer was and what happened to people.  But… many people survived as well.  It was too early to know his fate.  The thought knotted my stomach but I could never imagine the beloved light leaving me.  He was immortal.  He was always there.  Untouchable by whatever stood in his path.

As the months drew on and summer arrived, he was still there.  Still untouchable.  He was getting weak but I still never thought the light would be stripped from the world.  I was to take care of him.  Me, a tainted being!  I was shocked and yet, I knew my responsibility and took the task.  However, I happened to forget something and had to return home to retrieve it.  This left my okaasan to temporarily take the job.

At home, we arrived.  I gathered my things.  A phone call broke the quietness of the house.  It was my okaasan sounded distressed and on the brink, if not already in, tears.  I gave the phone to my father and after a few long seconds, we left the house leaving my aniki and younger sister at the house.  I don’t know what pulled me to go.  Something told me to.  Almost like I would regret it if I didn’t.

When we arrived, the police and ambulance were already there.  My okaasan was in tears.  She explained what happened.  She was assisting him to the bathroom.  On the way back, however, he collapsed never to regain consciousness again.  I knew he was gone.  My calm demeanor of a mask broke.  It shattered into a million pieces.  I still couldn’t believe it.  I lost control and locked myself in the bathroom.  The tears were shed and landed on the rug of the bathroom.  They were endless.  I couldn’t stop them.  I kept telling myself.  He isn’t gone.  He isn’t gone.  In a few minutes, he’ll be rushed to the hospital and everything will eventually be okay.  But my body knew my mind was building a wall of lies.  The tears would not stop.

Because of my stupid mistake, my okaasan saw her father die before her.  The guilt runs through my veins never to be erased…  It is a heavy burden.  I think.  It should have been me to have suffered.  After all these years, the guilt has not lessened.  If any, it has grown.

My eyes close on the bed.  Engulfed in darkness.  I should forever stay here.  In the darkness.  To pay for what I have done to the one who gave me life.  Is that my gift to her?  Perhaps my life should end to pay for this sin…  No.  That would be the easy way out.  I have to live with this guilt.  This horrible feeling that will never leave me.  I have to relive that painful day and the painful memories.  It is my redemption.

Not much is left.  I put on a façade so I seem normal.  I seem happy and content with life.  I have friends like every other person my age.  However, unlike themselves that are close and open to others, I build an invisible barrier.  Separated.  Tainted.  I cannot stain them too.  I feel that if I get close to any others that I didn’t know before the day, I will have to experience such pain again.  A childish way to keep myself safe from harm.  I will still feel pain when my other beings of light leave me but if I don’t add any more, the pain will end eventually.  Perhaps, under my teenage exterior, under my maturity, I am still a child.  Afraid to face such pain again.  Maybe.  Still, I must live with my guilt and pain until the day I die. I deserve the pain.  I am tainted.  Impure.  The memory of the day haunts me.  I am guilty.  It is my fault.  Not much is left.  Maybe I’m losing myself.  Buried in my guilt and pain.  Am I waiting for someone to save me?  No, there is no one that will release me.  Not a tainted being such as I.

More tears are shed.  A sign of weakness.  The memory of his existence is almost haunting.  Yet, it eases me.  Still, the lies and guilt break me.  I have many facades.  I live life mostly with my facades now.  A happy self.  An angry self.  A serious self.  They all mask my pain and true self.  Now, my facades are engraved into me and we have become one.  I have lost myself amid all my facades.  The pain hurts.  The fact I’m fake and real at the same time hurts.  Everything hurts…

I am lost in my pain.  It is not physical, but emotional.  Physical pain can be healed, but emotional scars are much harder to heal and some are forever engraved the person.  I don’t know if I have reached that point yet.  I probably will soon.

In sleep I am comforted.  It is a thoughtless, dreamless existence.  It is peaceful…  The memories don’t haunt me.  But when I wake, they arrive.

The memories of him will haunt me. What I have done…  My guilt…  I will drown in it soon.

I don’t have much time as my true self.  It will be eaten by the façade.  Perhaps that isn’t so bad.  The guilt will end and I will become normal.  But… I will not have repented for my sin.  I will live in happiness instead of guilt and emptiness.  Though something tells me no matter what I do, no matter how much I’ll change, no matter how much I forget, this guilt, emptiness and pain will always be inside me.

His existence is gone.  But the memory isn’t.  It will forever haunt me, and I must repent and live in my endless sea of guilt, regret, pain, and emptiness.

Someday it will end.  My life will end alone, by myself.  In my unbearable pain.  The memories will forever stay with me.  The pain and guilt will be forever with me.  If I were to say, my guilt and emptiness will be the object that will end my life.  Until then, I will suffer…

To repent for my sin.