HOME | DD
AKsroa4a — Children's Cries
Published: 2013-12-21 09:11:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 252; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
Beyond the place where mountains riseThe many peasants run and hide
As mothers shudder to their children's cries
Here is the land where the last hope dies
No crops grow for the fields have dried
Beyond the place where the mountains rise
Under the arms of his father a young boy flies
While the uncouth wenches snarl and snide
As mothers shudder to their children's cries
The townsmen gaze t'wards the skies
Which reflect the colour of the tide
Beyond the place where the mountains rise
Yet shimmering, but empty, are these eyes
Jumping and jerking from side to side
As mothers shudder to their children's cries
The mouths of many do bring demise
Destroying even those of stone inside
Beyond the place where the mountains rise
As mothers shudder to their children's cries
Related content
Comments: 6
were you just following a villanelle rhyme scheme?.. if you want a more traditional poem, review your meter a bit.. i see a pretty strong iambic pattern going on in your refrains, which is great.. they're only four feet though as opposed to the normal five, and the length varies in other lines.. that was distracting to me, but only because i scan as i read the first time through a poem..
after reading it through a second time, simply for the sake of reading, i thought it was pretty nice..
were you describing a place in particular?..
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Derp, I never read this until now. First, I didn't realize villanelles were metered; we were doing these in Poetry Club and they just told us to use the rhyme scheme and the refrains.
But anyways, I suck at meter and stress and stuff.
And yeah I was describing something in particular, but it's not important.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow! Villanelles are hard to pull off, but you did a great job! The rhyme was spot on and the piece had good rhythm! (I do think the "t'wards" was unnecessary though; the piece sounded perfectly fine with "towards") All in all, good job~!
Glad to have you back!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks yars. *just reading this now* >.>
I still think t'wards is better.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome
Well, you are the poet, all I can provide is suggestion
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
