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alphamidget — The Unwilling Donor [NSFW]
Published: 2010-06-23 22:01:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 276; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description Prolude

Wandsworth Common on a dark winter's night, a young man called Gareth Roberts, an intelligent bank assistant, is sitting on a hard oak bench, with a cast iron dedication plaque on the back, stating "In Memory to Clive Holland, who disagreed with the state". Underneath the plaque, somebody scribbled "and to those whom created this memorial", a stark reminder of what the world has turned into, a harsh, draconian society, ran by an autocratic dictator and within the boundaries of classic totalitarianism.

Gareth himself was hiding a dark secret, one which has been haunting him, specifically the disappearance of his mother, June, just a few weeks before. Gareth had returned home to visit his parents, who lived in Kensington, in a terraced Georgian townhouse. When Gareth entered the elaborately decorated property, he tragically found his father dead, shot in the back of the head. The wall on which his body leant on was covered in blood, as if a can of red paint was literally thrown against it, as well as a puddle of blood on the floor, to the body was within, and furthermore the blood had changed the colour of his clothes to a dark, rich red. However, there was no sign of his mother, who during her life, had been a firm opponent of the dictatorship that forced its self into her life, who was also in constant touch with a vast underground movement, determined to end the reign of the dictator known only as Mr Jones.

Gareth however was aware that he knew more than he should, that not only did the state murder its opponents, but that it also abducted people off the streets who opposed its regime, and against their will, used them as transplant donors, with many of their internal organs and tissues being taken. Much of the time the procedure of removing of the organs / tissues was done without anaesthetic, and was meant as a form of punishment, similar to being hung, drawn and quartered, a rarely used but excruciatingly painful method of execution used until the 1870's.
Suddenly, a rustling bush startled Gareth, who realised that he had to move and find safety in the underground if he was not to suffer to the same fate that he knew his mother would have suffered. Gareth had bumped into a man outside his parent's property just after he made the grim discovery, who called himself "Alan", who told Gareth that protection is available in the "underground" if he requires it, before suddenly disappearing. A distressed Gareth thought nothing of it, although he was aware of his Mothers "Underground" links.

Suddenly, he was pushed off the bench onto the hard path, on which he cracked his head, and he could feel blood dripping from a gash on his forehead towards his eye. Then, suddenly, he was forcibly rolled onto his back, where his arms and legs were restrained by two assailants in black clothing and black full motorcycle helmets, before a dark gloved hard covered his now dry mouth so that he couldn't scream. Despite his attempts to get free, Gareth was helpless, as a large kitchen knife, about 20cm's in length, was revealed, and at that moment, Gareth realised what was about to happen, the same as what probably happened to his mother, and then, without warning, the knife was plunged into his chest...
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Comments: 20

alphamidget [2010-10-02 22:16:02 +0000 UTC]

oh and as an added thank-you I've given you a LLama as well!!!

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Reanimated4now [2010-10-02 21:53:21 +0000 UTC]

The image you present and the concept of execution is visceral and intriguing. I want to see more of the totalitarian regime and what exactly it entails or how it is evidenced in the citizens' every day lives. Is the underground going to serve as a resistance or simply a passive hiding place I wonder? Is Gareth a main character in your storyline or is he simply one instance meant to show the type of things that happen and set the stage in which your events will unfold? Because of the lack of specifics (how young of a man is he, 18? 30?) I don't feel any connection to him, there is no sympathy in me for his situation or his murdered parents because of this, making it more of a simple event but maybe that is how you meant for it to be?

You have good details on some things but I can't help to think they are perhaps in the wrong places, for instance you say that his parents lived in a Georgian townhouse but skip over more important details such as where was his father's body in the house? The more detail the better, no one says your prologue/prelude has to be a tiny little vignette after all


+Watch your tenses as you shift between presently happening actions, personal thoughts, and recent but past events

+Is his mother going to resurface in the storyline? If not is it important to know her name specifically since his father's name is not mentioned at all?

+You have a lot of restatements in this piece that don't need to be there such as 'he was pushed off the bench onto the hard path, (on which) he cracked his head' '(who) called himself "Alan", (who) told Gareth that' most of the time this can probably be fixed it looks like by removing the second occurence and then editing as you desire around it to improve flow.

+Also watch that same sort of thing when you are writing consecutive sentences.
[ex. (Suddenly) he was pushed off the bench onto the hard path, on which he cracked his head, and he could feel blood ... Then, (suddenly), he was forcibly rolled onto his back...' ]
Try to avoid this wherever possible because it is cumbersome and repetitive first, but second because it will make you lose a lot of the forward momentum when you are in an action sequence.

+Watch the run-on sentences, they can be good sometimes in prose/poetry hybrids but will hurt you when writing straight prose. Beware of interjecting commas out of habit where a period would do better. (I have had a LOT of troubles with this same thing myself in the past)

+Try not to use the word 'literally' when you are constructing a metaphor, when you read one your mind isn't interjecting 'literally' on its own you just read it as: 'His blood spattered the window like raindrops.' rather than 'His blood spattered the window literally like drops of rain.'


Do you own a thesaurus? If not I would recommend getting one, having a thesaurus will help you greatly towards eliminating repeated words as well as broadening your vocabulary one simpler words so you can trade them out for those that might better suit your purpose (i.e. Hurled for thrown). Thesauruses can be found for super cheap too I think my mom got mine at a walmart forever ago for 97cents. You could always use thesauraus.com but that's a lot less portable

All of this is probably pretty scattered as sometimes I'm not very good at organizing my own thoughts but if I could pick out a couple of points I would say: Focus on the details after you determine what you want to emphasize. Don't overuse simple words and transitional words such as 'suddenly, who, that, etc'. Watch out for those run-on sentences, don't be afraid to split them up in ways that will help you to be more concise. This will only contribute to better descriptiveness and a keener image of the story in your reader's minds.


Entering the quiet house he had found his father lying in the front hall dead, executed with a single shot to the back of the head. The wall which his father lay against had been covered in blood, almost as if a can of red paint were hurled at it, blood pooled thick on the floor around the body, wet, and staining the clothes a deep crimson hue.

I will pm you the rough sort of editing that I did as if this were a piece of mine so you can do with it whatever you please bru.

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alphamidget In reply to Reanimated4now [2010-10-02 22:14:32 +0000 UTC]

thanks alot! I will take on board your advice and I will endeavour to make sure that the others are available for critique. Your advice is greatly appreicated and will make it a brilliant story. Thanks again!

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Reanimated4now In reply to alphamidget [2010-10-02 22:37:35 +0000 UTC]

sure man if you have anything specifically you want critique on just leave me a link, I still haven't dropped money on a premium membership (car insurance and bill seee) so I can't formally 'critique'

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alphamidget In reply to Reanimated4now [2010-10-03 16:51:31 +0000 UTC]

okies cool no problem i'll have a looky at my deviations and let you know if there is anything else I would be interested in you critiquing for me

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Reanimated4now [2010-09-24 17:15:36 +0000 UTC]

I might change:

'ran' to 'run' so the tenses agree and the flow runs smoother, as well as taking out the unnecessary 'and' maybe injecting something in its place if you must that will make the state of things concisely imaginable to the mind's eye of your reader.

'a stark reminder of what the world has turned into, a harsh, draconian society, (run) by an autocratic dictator (strictly) within the boundaries of classic totalitarianism.'


Is it all right if I come back when I get home later and do a full readover and critique of this for you?

,Nick

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alphamidget In reply to Reanimated4now [2010-09-25 17:59:12 +0000 UTC]

yes thats fine thanks for the advice i really need more people to give me advice. I have more chapters uploaded as well if u want to look at them!

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Reanimated4now In reply to alphamidget [2010-10-02 17:07:19 +0000 UTC]

sure thing man shoot them over to me, I'm going to do that critique now sorry it took so long :d

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alphamidget In reply to Reanimated4now [2010-10-02 19:36:32 +0000 UTC]

no problem thank-you for looking at my work my work...it is really helpful. By the way i'm trying to get more people to join my group Global Writers Network link: [link] Interested? Most of my work is in the group folders, but it is also in my profile...I can send you links if U want once I have opened them for critique?

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Halatia [2010-09-10 19:23:54 +0000 UTC]

A note: the correct term is "prelude" or "prologue," not prolude, which is, in fact, not actually English word (though it is an Italian one).

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alphamidget In reply to Halatia [2010-09-10 19:34:35 +0000 UTC]

okay thanks for the tip I will change it when I get the chance!

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SpizFeral [2010-06-23 22:28:04 +0000 UTC]

Spiz aime sang...

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alphamidget In reply to SpizFeral [2010-06-23 22:31:19 +0000 UTC]

Amber stop using using my deviant to promote yours!!!!

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SpizFeral In reply to alphamidget [2010-06-23 22:32:09 +0000 UTC]

O.o wut? AND STOP CALLING ME AMBER!! DD:<

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alphamidget In reply to SpizFeral [2010-06-23 22:36:41 +0000 UTC]

Sorry Spiz Feral!

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SpizFeral In reply to alphamidget [2010-06-23 22:41:55 +0000 UTC]



You Maddam, fail!

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alphamidget In reply to SpizFeral [2010-06-23 22:43:36 +0000 UTC]

haha lol and actually it should be master not maddam. You epic fail Ragingsoul-Feral!

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SpizFeral In reply to alphamidget [2010-06-23 22:46:16 +0000 UTC]

No, maddam, i am never wrong ^w^ even when im wrong, im right! right is right and wrong is right unlike your socks. would you like me to make you some burnt salad? :>

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alphamidget [2010-06-23 22:03:41 +0000 UTC]

This is just the beginning but any suggestions would be gratefully received! And Amber I will not be putting in any manga!

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alphamidget In reply to alphamidget [2010-06-23 22:07:49 +0000 UTC]

Sorry Spiz Feral!!!

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