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anduril — Goodbye - Fair Earth
Published: 2003-02-25 23:31:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 62; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
You left alone that dark and windy night,my tattered soul longed to gasp, die, and
learn to fly, beyond the dwindling shadows
of my eyes.
Within my hooded lids, your lovely face
would writher and fade. I\'d race the stars
for once last taste of your forbidden
ecxtasy.
Ten years have passed and gone, the worlds
changed and I have grown. No longer weak and
insecure, I still long for your tender caress.
I think about the night, how for hours we lived
in fright, fearful of ourselves and the love
we\'d set to flight.
The touch; your taste; as clear as yesterday.
I close my eyes and you drift away, beyond
my reach and beyond my faith. Slowly down,
into the ground, your little pine box seals
my heart. What happened to that promised,
one last chance to say goodbye? Goodbye
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Comments: 3
It only seems choppy in places, but at the same time it seems also like a thought-process and an emotional journey, which should never flow very well. If it did it wouldn't stay true to the way emotions and thoughts truely run.
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I agree with the previous comment that there are some very beautiful images here. I also agree that the flow can be improved, and I think the two are related. Maybe you could try focusing more on those images, using them to tell the story instead of filling in the details for us, which leads to a bit of choppiness.
Hope that helps!! ^_^
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mmm, I like the flow. but I don't think it flows as well as it could.. it kind of stops a couple times. it's very beautiful and vivid though. I think you portrayed what you wanted to wonderfully, I just dunno, something about it..
It's very well written.
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