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Leaving his tower did seem to have the desired effect as he was at least no longer ruminating on the prospect of dying horribly to a dangerous unfamiliar world. He enjoyed watching his neighbors share a laugh, share their frustrations and support for one another. Seeing his mother happy. At some point her hand had come to rest on top of his and he wrapped his fingers around hers. He enjoyed that warmth.

It was only when it came time to pray that sense of security was shaken. He knelt down, clasped his hands together and rested his head against the pew between them.

He hadn’t actually spoken to God in a long time. He didn’t really have to pray if he didn’t want to. He could just sit there and… do what? Think? He was fairly sure he didn’t need to pray for god to hear his thoughts.

It’s been a while huh?

What was he doing here? What was the point? God didn’t want to speak to him.

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. The past ten years have been…

He used to pray alone in the walls. He stopped after a while.

I was trying my best. I don’t know what you wanted from me. But I tried.

A lump formed in his throat as he tried to fight back the blasphemous thoughts that came to his mind. He couldn’t though.

I know things are better now, and I should be grateful, but I still can’t stopping thinking…

What do you want from me? Why would you put me through all of this? What did I do? I know I’m broken, I know I’m constantly messing things up but I try so hard. I don’t know what I’m supposed to gain out of all of this.

His could feel his shoulders tensing around him.

Ten years. I lost ten years of my life. I was alone, every night. Where were you then? What did I do to deserve that? I was trying to protect mi familia but I hurt them, and I can’t take take that back.

I don’t want this. I don’t want your gift. I don’t want these evil thoughts that won’t leave my head. I just want to be good and whole. I’m so tired of being alone. Even with the people I love I’m still alone. Why would you make me this way?

Bruno’s jaw locked up as he choked back a sob, despite his best efforts he could feel the tears start to spill over. In a panic he stood up and stormed out. He couldn’t let people see him like this. He needed air. He needed to be alone.

It was only once he’d left the building he let himself suck in a breath of air through a pained wheeze.

He collapsed on the wall, heart racing and tears burned his face. This was a mistake. Those spiraling thoughts were back. Worse now. Thoughts of hell.

Por Dios take them away. I don’t want them. Lo siento. I didn’t mean what I said. Lo siento. Por favor.

He had to stop himself from knocking on the door of the church and ran to the nearest tree instead. Searching his pockets for salt only to remember in his hurry he hadn’t grabbed any. His rats were all at home. They didn’t like his mother and he’d promised years ago not to bring them to church.

All he could do was knock and sob as he tried to clear his head.

He was pathetic. Pathetic and broken and wrong. Why did he think this was a good idea? Why did he think he could just go back to the way things were? He was broken before too. He was born broken and he didn’t know how to fix it. He lived in the walls because he wasn’t strong enough. Wasn’t strong enough to manage what a fifteen year old girl could.

But here he was. Trying to enjoy privileges he never earned in the first place. And what had he done when he left the walls? Waste people’s time with his petty entertainment? Even then only after being dragged out of the house by the children of all people. Speak ill of his neighbors. Start fights. Flirt with a strange man and indulge perverse fantasies.

Was he even trying anymore? He knew he would still go to the theater with Wilfredo. He knew he couldn’t resist the selfish temptation to be around him. As guilty as he felt now he was just going to keep making the same mistakes anyway. He didn’t know when he had given up on being a good person. Was it in the walls? Or long before that? Was he ever even trying to begin with?

Description

Leaving his tower did seem to have the desired effect as he was at least no longer ruminating on the prospect of dying horribly to a dangerous unfamiliar world. He enjoyed watching his neighbors share a laugh, share their frustrations and support for one another. Seeing his mother happy. At some point her hand had come to rest on top of his and he wrapped his fingers around hers. He enjoyed that warmth.

It was only when it came time to pray that sense of security was shaken. He knelt down, clasped his hands together and rested his head against the pew between them.

He hadn’t actually spoken to God in a long time. He didn’t really have to pray if he didn’t want to. He could just sit there and… do what? Think? He was fairly sure he didn’t need to pray for god to hear his thoughts.

It’s been a while huh?

What was he doing here? What was the point? God didn’t want to speak to him.

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. The past ten years have been…

He used to pray alone in the walls. He stopped after a while.

I was trying my best. I don’t know what you wanted from me. But I tried.

A lump formed in his throat as he tried to fight back the blasphemous thoughts that came to his mind. He couldn’t though.

I know things are better now, and I should be grateful, but I still can’t stopping thinking…

What do you want from me? Why would you put me through all of this? What did I do? I know I’m broken, I know I’m constantly messing things up but I try so hard. I don’t know what I’m supposed to gain out of all of this.

His could feel his shoulders tensing around him.

Ten years. I lost ten years of my life. I was alone, every night. Where were you then? What did I do to deserve that? I was trying to protect mi familia but I hurt them, and I can’t take take that back.

I don’t want this. I don’t want your gift. I don’t want these evil thoughts that won’t leave my head. I just want to be good and whole. I’m so tired of being alone. Even with the people I love I’m still alone. Why would you make me this way?

Bruno’s jaw locked up as he choked back a sob, despite his best efforts he could feel the tears start to spill over. In a panic he stood up and stormed out. He couldn’t let people see him like this. He needed air. He needed to be alone.

It was only once he’d left the building he let himself suck in a breath of air through a pained wheeze.

He collapsed on the wall, heart racing and tears burned his face. This was a mistake. Those spiraling thoughts were back. Worse now. Thoughts of hell.

Por Dios take them away. I don’t want them. Lo siento. I didn’t mean what I said. Lo siento. Por favor.

He had to stop himself from knocking on the door of the church and ran to the nearest tree instead. Searching his pockets for salt only to remember in his hurry he hadn’t grabbed any. His rats were all at home. They didn’t like his mother and he’d promised years ago not to bring them to church.

All he could do was knock and sob as he tried to clear his head.

He was pathetic. Pathetic and broken and wrong. Why did he think this was a good idea? Why did he think he could just go back to the way things were? He was broken before too. He was born broken and he didn’t know how to fix it. He lived in the walls because he wasn’t strong enough. Wasn’t strong enough to manage what a fifteen year old girl could.

But here he was. Trying to enjoy privileges he never earned in the first place. And what had he done when he left the walls? Waste people’s time with his petty entertainment? Even then only after being dragged out of the house by the children of all people. Speak ill of his neighbors. Start fights. Flirt with a strange man and indulge perverse fantasies.

Was he even trying anymore? He knew he would still go to the theater with Wilfredo. He knew he couldn’t resist the selfish temptation to be around him. As guilty as he felt now he was just going to keep making the same mistakes anyway. He didn’t know when he had given up on being a good person. Was it in the walls? Or long before that? Was he ever even trying to begin with?