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Rage. That's what this painting represents for me. It may look like a simple abstract spiral that a child could do but I squeezed those little paint bottles so hard that my hands burned from the pain. An adult hand fingerpainted pain onto a canvas. And days like this I'm glad that I still have art as a coping mechanism, but I have to admit that it's not enough. I was supposed to have a date yesterday. And dating is so hard these days. I know I'm not perfect, but I still feel like I have a lot to offer to the right person for me. But these people... these people don't even bother to take the time to try to get to know someone. All everyone wants is sex. All everyone ever wants from me is sex. The guy I was supposed to go on a date with canceled on me because he is jobless and admitted he got too ahead of himself and was only "thinking with his dick". As if hooking up with me was ever on the table. This is exactly why I'm celibate now. I can't imagine giving my body casually to any of these assholes. I say this to my friends all the time that no one wants to hear a pretty person complain about being pretty, but I do it anyway because I often feel fucking worthless. What's the point of being so physically attractive when no one values you beyond that? People don't even treat me like a person. And this doesn't even go for just romantic interests. I have been the pretty friend prop. People pretending they want to be my friend when they just want to be seen hanging out with a hot girl. People keeping me around just so they can bully me because they are envious me, like I'm a punching bag for their insecurities. A lot of people have no idea what it's like to constantly be treated as a literal object. As if you don't have feelings. As if you're not even real. There's only ever been one guy in my life who refused to sleep with me because he was afraid of losing our friendship and we're not even friends anymore because he can't stand me now. Well I can't stand me either. As much as I'd like to lean in to a confident sense of self, I often find myself hating who I am. How insecure, emotionally unstable, needy, depressed, and broken I am. Maybe that's really what people see. Maybe they actually do see me beyond the beauty and that's why they don't want anything to do with me past that. Maybe I am trouble. Crazy. Belong in grippy sock jail even though I stopped drinking, I'm in therapy once a week, and I even found a local pagan church to start going to. But nothing I do has prevented me from feeling like no one is ever truly going to love me in the cheesy romantic way you see in movies. Most people I've dated have cheated, left me for other people, abused me, took me for granted, you name it. Why would I ever believe I could trust myself to choose someone who would actually treat me right? So I'm just mad. Enraged. That no matter what I do no one is ever going to treat me like the sunshine's out my ass. I made a playlist called "I wanna believe in love again" because I realized I had become so cynical. But I still don't believe. I keep trying to lean into the platonic love in my life and while it does help a lot, my friends aren't going to hold me at night. They're not gonna hold my hand while we walk through the park. They're not going to make love to me. They're not going to kiss me on my forehead and tell me everything's going to be okay. They're not going to spend several nights with me in a row. They're not going to marry me. I want romance, but...it really is dead and eventually I will be too. That's my only consolation these days. Hope you can't relate.

Description
Rage. That's what this painting represents for me. It may look like a simple abstract spiral that a child could do but I squeezed those little paint bottles so hard that my hands burned from the pain. An adult hand fingerpainted pain onto a canvas. And days like this I'm glad that I still have art as a coping mechanism, but I have to admit that it's not enough. I was supposed to have a date yesterday. And dating is so hard these days. I know I'm not perfect, but I still feel like I have a lot to offer to the right person for me. But these people... these people don't even bother to take the time to try to get to know someone. All everyone wants is sex. All everyone ever wants from me is sex. The guy I was supposed to go on a date with canceled on me because he is jobless and admitted he got too ahead of himself and was only "thinking with his dick". As if hooking up with me was ever on the table. This is exactly why I'm celibate now. I can't imagine giving my body casually to any of these assholes. I say this to my friends all the time that no one wants to hear a pretty person complain about being pretty, but I do it anyway because I often feel fucking worthless. What's the point of being so physically attractive when no one values you beyond that? People don't even treat me like a person. And this doesn't even go for just romantic interests. I have been the pretty friend prop. People pretending they want to be my friend when they just want to be seen hanging out with a hot girl. People keeping me around just so they can bully me because they are envious me, like I'm a punching bag for their insecurities. A lot of people have no idea what it's like to constantly be treated as a literal object. As if you don't have feelings. As if you're not even real. There's only ever been one guy in my life who refused to sleep with me because he was afraid of losing our friendship and we're not even friends anymore because he can't stand me now. Well I can't stand me either. As much as I'd like to lean in to a confident sense of self, I often find myself hating who I am. How insecure, emotionally unstable, needy, depressed, and broken I am. Maybe that's really what people see. Maybe they actually do see me beyond the beauty and that's why they don't want anything to do with me past that. Maybe I am trouble. Crazy. Belong in grippy sock jail even though I stopped drinking, I'm in therapy once a week, and I even found a local pagan church to start going to. But nothing I do has prevented me from feeling like no one is ever truly going to love me in the cheesy romantic way you see in movies. Most people I've dated have cheated, left me for other people, abused me, took me for granted, you name it. Why would I ever believe I could trust myself to choose someone who would actually treat me right? So I'm just mad. Enraged. That no matter what I do no one is ever going to treat me like the sunshine's out my ass. I made a playlist called "I wanna believe in love again" because I realized I had become so cynical. But I still don't believe. I keep trying to lean into the platonic love in my life and while it does help a lot, my friends aren't going to hold me at night. They're not gonna hold my hand while we walk through the park. They're not going to make love to me. They're not going to kiss me on my forehead and tell me everything's going to be okay. They're not going to spend several nights with me in a row. They're not going to marry me. I want romance, but...it really is dead and eventually I will be too. That's my only consolation these days. Hope you can't relate.