LonelynMisUnderStood [2006-10-15 03:46:39 +0000 UTC]

I like it. You don't have to put the '...' at the end of the sentence. You could always just put a comma or just leave it blank. I like how you trail off away from the fireflys light subject and then come back to it at the end. Not much more i can say i'm not a very hipacritical person ^^'.

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InfiniteOne [2006-09-10 02:20:42 +0000 UTC]

Woot! Nicely done ^^

Critique: Focus on combining your symbols and what they actually represent. Sometimes the connection gets lost. It's fairly long, which make the connections even more important.

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PoetessLaureate [2006-09-05 23:30:36 +0000 UTC]

This works fairly well; rhythmically reminds me of a rap.




the firefly's light...
so simple so briliiant..
so beautiful..
yet so small...
I honestly,hate it all..
right now I look up and only see a firefly,,
let it shine...
ignore the face behind..
let her shine.

The ellipses (...) aren't quite needed. This is a very effective opening stanza; it draws us in - though admittedly it says little new.

Black..
nothing..
so distant so hollow..
yet so shallow...
looking out the window..
I can barely see the moon...
as if it were entwined within
the tree's arms ir's branch..
something deep inside..
waiting to hatch..
howl..scream and shout.
stare at the moon..
horror movie material just howl...

ir's? black/hollow are overused as a rule, which means they need something to revitalize them. moon..moon the repetition is a bit much and weakens the poem as it's not used for effect. the imagery is wonderfully consistent and effective to the mood.

So pathetic,
can't even cry..
myself to sleep...
soiling the sheets..
with nothing but my tears...
scream and howl ..
but no sound comes out...
tell me how?.
can i make this end...
so many sins I want to shed.

again your imagery is wonderfully cohesive - but by now that makes me question the firefly imagery originally, as you're going almost entirely with dog/wolf and moon afterward.


Wake my wildest dream...
make it my fantasy..
for a moment, all but reality..
whisper...just howl..
fantasy,how I long for your skin.
bath in our sins..
like a sad dog crying out to the moon...
I can only howl...

wake my wildest dream is a good word choice; sets up the contrast and is a powerful word in itself.

They say lone wolf can never survive...
i'll hide...
pathetic abnormal dog..
That's why..
I'll just die...
Hide..silently..howl

careful of punctuation

I'm just a sad dog crying out to the moon...
I can only howl...
If only I could scrath the moon..
with the tip of my finger...
feel it for a second..
desires linger...
repeating echoing...
you're a sinner...

scrath=scratch.

a sad dog...
looking up to the sky...
wondering why..?
left only to adore...
a firefly's light....

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soundlessw [2006-08-31 03:06:21 +0000 UTC]

focus on emotion, feeling, and the analogy to teh dog is very good, I see a lot of potential in that, work on that. the repitition is good but try moving around teh words you repeat for emphasis, that might help. Mispellings in there are your job not mine. I especially like the last stanza and one of my thoughts is this: I really love teh picture you paint of the dof looking up into teh sky and howling for all the things it cannot have and it see's a firefly and it becomes entranced with the light. It is quite beautiful, to me saying its a pathetic dog sort of seems to much, I would say the dog is a dog interested in a firefly, a dog that has had hardships, and because of that he needs to have catharsis, to howl to teh moon. I like that, catharsis in a poem is a helpful writing device. So yeah, think about those things and keep writing!

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fallenpoeticlover [2006-08-30 02:00:54 +0000 UTC]

not bad a bit confusing the first time i read it but the second time it made alot more sense keep writting you're really good!

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