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Emma: Well, don't you look comfy! I was wondering if they'd deliver it today, that's excellent. And how are you liking it?

Kate: I'm loving it! I was quite worried that it would make me feel more... you know, disabled... and useless, but it's wonderful. I know it's a bit over the top, but it really is the answer for me while my arms are out of action.

Emma: How are they feeling?

Kate: This one's not too bad, the pin sites are still tender, but the swelling seems to be going down a bit. The right one still throbs unless I elevate it, but nothing I can't handle.

Emma: Please tell me you're taking those painkillers, there's no prize for being a hero about it.

Kate: I'm not being a hero, I took one last night to get over the hump, otherwise it would have kept me awake. I haven't needed any today though, I'm really not that uncomfortable.

Emma: God Katie, I honestly can't imagine what it feels like to have pins right through your finger like this, it makes me queasy just to see it.

Kate: Would I sound like Monty Python's Black Knight if I said “I've 'ad worse”?

Emma: Goodness yes, of course you have! Well I think you're amazing, I really do.

Kate: Em, could you uncross my legs? I asked Hannah to cross them but they've been like this for ages, I forgot I'm stuck like this until someone moves them for me.

Emma: Yeah, no problem. You know, this chair doesn't actually look as imposing as I remember it, but then I think I only met Mary's husband once.

Kate: Well we've taken quite a lot off it, we spent all morning giving it a good clean and removing all the parts I don't need. Well, I say 'we', but Hannah did everything, I just sat watching.

Emma: Watching, and being bossy?

Kate: OK, that too.

Emma: Why didn't you take the head-rest off, you don't really need that do you? Oh, I suppose in the van it's much safer to have it.

Kate: And, darling, I need it when I recline! The whole seat tilts right back like a dentist's chair, so I can do that instead of normal pressure lifts. I even lay back and dozed after lunch, it was marvelous!

Emma: Oh, excuse me. You won't want to go back to a manual chair after this, you'll want to sail about like royalty in that thing forever.

Kate: I know, it could happen. That's if my lady-in-waiting can be persuaded, I think she's finding it hard work looking after a big useless baby. And doing it all from a wheelchair herself.

Emma: So she doesn't get up for anything at all?

Kate: No, not so far, and I've been careful not to suggest that she should, I'm trying to just accept that she does everything sitting down and that's that.

Emma: Good girl, pretty soon you won't even give it a thought. And is she able to do everything she needs to do?

Kate: Yes, absolutely. Sometimes she struggles, like to reach something from her chair, and we both know it would be easy if she just stood up, but I just tell her whatever tricks you and I might have used to do it. She sometimes has to cheat a bit, I've found myself thinking “how's she doing that when she's paralysed? Oh, right... she can cheat”, I forget that she can do that. Like when she's showering me – she sits on a little stool that a T4 would never be able to balance on, we both know that, but it's what she has to do to get it done. And when she's moving me in the hoist she's using muscles from head to toe, I'm sure it would be nearly impossible for a T4.

Emma: So is she still fully committed to the idea of living as a T4 complete?

Kate: I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling she might be wavering. I don't know how she chose T4 as her level, but from our chats I suspect that she didn't really have all the facts on it, I don't think she realised just how much is affected by an injury at T4 level.

Emma: So you think some uncertainty may be creeping in? That's interesting. Yeah, a real T4 needs a lot of support just to stay upright, even leaning over slightly or reaching out with both hands is a challenge.

Kate: Oh, Em, I need to ask a favour: she's got the hang of cathing me, but a leg bag might be useful if she has to leave me on my own all day. Will you help me show her how to set up a Foley properly? With this silly neck brace I can't easily watch what she's doing and I just want to make sure she does it right.

Emma: Yes, of course. You know, I'm worried about leaving you while I'm away, it's only for two weeks but that's a long time if things aren't going well here.

Kate: Oh no, please don't worry love, I'll be absolutely fine, I'm in very capable hands. No, I'm sorry, that's unfair, Hannah is much more than just capable hands. She's been truly wonderful. she's attentive and sensitive, and just more attuned, I suppose, to my needs than any carer I've ever come across, or any nurse for that matter, and I've known a few.

Emma: So you're sure you wouldn't rather have the agency send one, perhaps the ex Albanian women's shot-put champion, with a monobrow?

Kate: Hahaha! Oh, the horror! Jokes aside though, if I have a criticism of Hannah it's that she takes this so seriously, I wish she would just relax more, she works so hard when I ask her for help that I find it a bit... unsettling. What did you say to her when you asked her if she would help out, did you give her specific instructions? Like to treat it as a job and not as a friend helping a friend?

Emma: No, not at all, I just told her what happened and asked her if she'd be prepared to help out. Why? Is she unhappy, do you think she sees helping as an obligation or a chore?

Kate: No, I wouldn't say so, I don't think she minds it, it's just that... it's as if she gets too immersed in it.

Emma: I'm not following, can you explain?

Kate: Well it's difficult to describe... it's like she almost becomes a different Hannah while she's busy. I know this will sound terrible, but it puts me in mind of a working dog...

Emma: A dog!?

Kate: … wait, I haven't finished - I mean like a sheepdog while it's herding or a gun dog while it's pointing, the way it gets utterly focused on the job, to the point where patting it on the head won't break the spell, it's like that affection doesn't even register. But then when it's off duty it's a normal affectionate friend that'll lick your hand and want its tummy tickled.

Emma: Well, she's probably just nervous, and eager to please, remember that this was all only make-believe to her until the other day. And she's crazy about you, and probably trying not to let it show too much, so that might affect how she is.

Kate: No it doesn't seem like nerves, she just seems to really throw herself into it, to become almost servile, like she can't do enough for me, I'm almost embarrassed to ask for anything because she jumps to it and does more than I asked for. I find I have to snap her out of it and almost tell her she's off duty, to relax.

Emma: Well then you're very lucky to have her, it sounds like she's a perfectionist and wants to do everything exactly right. So... when she's not busy herding sheep... is she her old self, the sweet, playful Hannah we know and love?

Kate: Oh absolutely, when she's relaxed she's wonderful company. We've actually had such a lovely time today, she's such fun, it's amazing that anything got done with all the silliness and laughter that was going on.

Emma: Oh Katie-love, it makes me so, so happy to hear you say that, it really does! So might there be a possibility of... something more than friendship somewhere down the line?

Kate: I wouldn't want to speak too soon, or to rush things and ruin it, but yes, I think so. I really hope so. But I do worry about how she'll react when I tell her what happened to me, or if I should tell her at all. She's all lightness and life, I wonder whether it'll be too much darkness, too much emotional baggage for her to deal with. What if my demons scare her away?

Emma: Katie... she knows.

Kate: You told her!? When??

Emma: I told her that day I took her up, the day we went swimming at the pond. I know I swore to you that I would never tell anyone, and I've betrayed that trust, but I had a very good feeling about Hannah, I still do. I really felt she should know, because you deserve to have someone else who knows, another witness to your extraordinary life, someone who appreciates you for where you've been and just how much you've achieved to get to where you are now. It breaks my heart that you carry so much, alone and in secret, and even the people closest to you are unaware of the enormity of it.

Kate: Thank you Em, that means a lot to me.

Emma: Katie, she's the only person I've ever told, I hope you're not too angry and I hope you can forgive me.

Kate: I'm not angry Em, not at all, it's a huge relief that she knows. So how did she react?

Emma: She was horrified, obviously, by everything that happened to you, and she's truly amazed at how you've handled it all. You went up another ten notches in her estimation, she's in awe of you.

Kate: I wonder if that has anything to do with why she's taking her role as carer so seriously?

Emma: It could, I suppose. Anyway, I told her never to mention it but I'm sure she's dying to talk to you about it, so when you're ready, do let her know that we've had this chat and that it's all OK.

Kate: Yes, of course I will.

Emma: So where is she?

Kate: Out shopping for our supper tonight, I think we're in for a real treat. We had a marvelous lunch, she's a magician in the kitchen. She says she can see at a glance that we never cook, our knives are crap, so the first thing on her shopping list is a good chef's knife.

Emma: She's talking nonsense, they work just fine for poking holes in the lids of microwave meals.

Kate: Haha, I told her that's about all they get used for, but she says ready-meals isn't a food group and there'll be none served on her watch, so I think we're in for a bit of a shake up.

Emma: Well with a full time personal chef and no exercise, somebody's going to be as big as a house by the time those casts come off. You won't even fit your bum into your manual chair when you try to go back.

Katie: Oh god, don't I know it! We'll have to cut our water ballast by half.

Emma: Enjoy it my love, you've been driving yourself hard forever, if anyone deserves to just relax for a while and enjoy being pampered, it's you.

Kate: Thank you Em, that's a very sweet thing to say. And thank you for telling Hannah my story, I was really dreading it, so I'm glad she knows.

-------------------------

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Description

Story starts here

Previous Part here

------------------------------

Emma: Well, don't you look comfy! I was wondering if they'd deliver it today, that's excellent. And how are you liking it?

Kate: I'm loving it! I was quite worried that it would make me feel more... you know, disabled... and useless, but it's wonderful. I know it's a bit over the top, but it really is the answer for me while my arms are out of action.

Emma: How are they feeling?

Kate: This one's not too bad, the pin sites are still tender, but the swelling seems to be going down a bit. The right one still throbs unless I elevate it, but nothing I can't handle.

Emma: Please tell me you're taking those painkillers, there's no prize for being a hero about it.

Kate: I'm not being a hero, I took one last night to get over the hump, otherwise it would have kept me awake. I haven't needed any today though, I'm really not that uncomfortable.

Emma: God Katie, I honestly can't imagine what it feels like to have pins right through your finger like this, it makes me queasy just to see it.

Kate: Would I sound like Monty Python's Black Knight if I said “I've 'ad worse”?

Emma: Goodness yes, of course you have! Well I think you're amazing, I really do.

Kate: Em, could you uncross my legs? I asked Hannah to cross them but they've been like this for ages, I forgot I'm stuck like this until someone moves them for me.

Emma: Yeah, no problem. You know, this chair doesn't actually look as imposing as I remember it, but then I think I only met Mary's husband once.

Kate: Well we've taken quite a lot off it, we spent all morning giving it a good clean and removing all the parts I don't need. Well, I say 'we', but Hannah did everything, I just sat watching.

Emma: Watching, and being bossy?

Kate: OK, that too.

Emma: Why didn't you take the head-rest off, you don't really need that do you? Oh, I suppose in the van it's much safer to have it.

Kate: And, darling, I need it when I recline! The whole seat tilts right back like a dentist's chair, so I can do that instead of normal pressure lifts. I even lay back and dozed after lunch, it was marvelous!

Emma: Oh, excuse me. You won't want to go back to a manual chair after this, you'll want to sail about like royalty in that thing forever.

Kate: I know, it could happen. That's if my lady-in-waiting can be persuaded, I think she's finding it hard work looking after a big useless baby. And doing it all from a wheelchair herself.

Emma: So she doesn't get up for anything at all?

Kate: No, not so far, and I've been careful not to suggest that she should, I'm trying to just accept that she does everything sitting down and that's that.

Emma: Good girl, pretty soon you won't even give it a thought. And is she able to do everything she needs to do?

Kate: Yes, absolutely. Sometimes she struggles, like to reach something from her chair, and we both know it would be easy if she just stood up, but I just tell her whatever tricks you and I might have used to do it. She sometimes has to cheat a bit, I've found myself thinking “how's she doing that when she's paralysed? Oh, right... she can cheat”, I forget that she can do that. Like when she's showering me – she sits on a little stool that a T4 would never be able to balance on, we both know that, but it's what she has to do to get it done. And when she's moving me in the hoist she's using muscles from head to toe, I'm sure it would be nearly impossible for a T4.

Emma: So is she still fully committed to the idea of living as a T4 complete?

Kate: I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling she might be wavering. I don't know how she chose T4 as her level, but from our chats I suspect that she didn't really have all the facts on it, I don't think she realised just how much is affected by an injury at T4 level.

Emma: So you think some uncertainty may be creeping in? That's interesting. Yeah, a real T4 needs a lot of support just to stay upright, even leaning over slightly or reaching out with both hands is a challenge.

Kate: Oh, Em, I need to ask a favour: she's got the hang of cathing me, but a leg bag might be useful if she has to leave me on my own all day. Will you help me show her how to set up a Foley properly? With this silly neck brace I can't easily watch what she's doing and I just want to make sure she does it right.

Emma: Yes, of course. You know, I'm worried about leaving you while I'm away, it's only for two weeks but that's a long time if things aren't going well here.

Kate: Oh no, please don't worry love, I'll be absolutely fine, I'm in very capable hands. No, I'm sorry, that's unfair, Hannah is much more than just capable hands. She's been truly wonderful. she's attentive and sensitive, and just more attuned, I suppose, to my needs than any carer I've ever come across, or any nurse for that matter, and I've known a few.

Emma: So you're sure you wouldn't rather have the agency send one, perhaps the ex Albanian women's shot-put champion, with a monobrow?

Kate: Hahaha! Oh, the horror! Jokes aside though, if I have a criticism of Hannah it's that she takes this so seriously, I wish she would just relax more, she works so hard when I ask her for help that I find it a bit... unsettling. What did you say to her when you asked her if she would help out, did you give her specific instructions? Like to treat it as a job and not as a friend helping a friend?

Emma: No, not at all, I just told her what happened and asked her if she'd be prepared to help out. Why? Is she unhappy, do you think she sees helping as an obligation or a chore?

Kate: No, I wouldn't say so, I don't think she minds it, it's just that... it's as if she gets too immersed in it.

Emma: I'm not following, can you explain?

Kate: Well it's difficult to describe... it's like she almost becomes a different Hannah while she's busy. I know this will sound terrible, but it puts me in mind of a working dog...

Emma: A dog!?

Kate: … wait, I haven't finished - I mean like a sheepdog while it's herding or a gun dog while it's pointing, the way it gets utterly focused on the job, to the point where patting it on the head won't break the spell, it's like that affection doesn't even register. But then when it's off duty it's a normal affectionate friend that'll lick your hand and want its tummy tickled.

Emma: Well, she's probably just nervous, and eager to please, remember that this was all only make-believe to her until the other day. And she's crazy about you, and probably trying not to let it show too much, so that might affect how she is.

Kate: No it doesn't seem like nerves, she just seems to really throw herself into it, to become almost servile, like she can't do enough for me, I'm almost embarrassed to ask for anything because she jumps to it and does more than I asked for. I find I have to snap her out of it and almost tell her she's off duty, to relax.

Emma: Well then you're very lucky to have her, it sounds like she's a perfectionist and wants to do everything exactly right. So... when she's not busy herding sheep... is she her old self, the sweet, playful Hannah we know and love?

Kate: Oh absolutely, when she's relaxed she's wonderful company. We've actually had such a lovely time today, she's such fun, it's amazing that anything got done with all the silliness and laughter that was going on.

Emma: Oh Katie-love, it makes me so, so happy to hear you say that, it really does! So might there be a possibility of... something more than friendship somewhere down the line?

Kate: I wouldn't want to speak too soon, or to rush things and ruin it, but yes, I think so. I really hope so. But I do worry about how she'll react when I tell her what happened to me, or if I should tell her at all. She's all lightness and life, I wonder whether it'll be too much darkness, too much emotional baggage for her to deal with. What if my demons scare her away?

Emma: Katie... she knows.

Kate: You told her!? When??

Emma: I told her that day I took her up, the day we went swimming at the pond. I know I swore to you that I would never tell anyone, and I've betrayed that trust, but I had a very good feeling about Hannah, I still do. I really felt she should know, because you deserve to have someone else who knows, another witness to your extraordinary life, someone who appreciates you for where you've been and just how much you've achieved to get to where you are now. It breaks my heart that you carry so much, alone and in secret, and even the people closest to you are unaware of the enormity of it.

Kate: Thank you Em, that means a lot to me.

Emma: Katie, she's the only person I've ever told, I hope you're not too angry and I hope you can forgive me.

Kate: I'm not angry Em, not at all, it's a huge relief that she knows. So how did she react?

Emma: She was horrified, obviously, by everything that happened to you, and she's truly amazed at how you've handled it all. You went up another ten notches in her estimation, she's in awe of you.

Kate: I wonder if that has anything to do with why she's taking her role as carer so seriously?

Emma: It could, I suppose. Anyway, I told her never to mention it but I'm sure she's dying to talk to you about it, so when you're ready, do let her know that we've had this chat and that it's all OK.

Kate: Yes, of course I will.

Emma: So where is she?

Kate: Out shopping for our supper tonight, I think we're in for a real treat. We had a marvelous lunch, she's a magician in the kitchen. She says she can see at a glance that we never cook, our knives are crap, so the first thing on her shopping list is a good chef's knife.

Emma: She's talking nonsense, they work just fine for poking holes in the lids of microwave meals.

Kate: Haha, I told her that's about all they get used for, but she says ready-meals isn't a food group and there'll be none served on her watch, so I think we're in for a bit of a shake up.

Emma: Well with a full time personal chef and no exercise, somebody's going to be as big as a house by the time those casts come off. You won't even fit your bum into your manual chair when you try to go back.

Katie: Oh god, don't I know it! We'll have to cut our water ballast by half.

Emma: Enjoy it my love, you've been driving yourself hard forever, if anyone deserves to just relax for a while and enjoy being pampered, it's you.

Kate: Thank you Em, that's a very sweet thing to say. And thank you for telling Hannah my story, I was really dreading it, so I'm glad she knows.

-------------------------

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