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AvianHartridge — The choice
Published: 2012-09-09 21:09:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 250; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 3
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Description
something so small,the slightest change
I felt it growing there,
and I think maybe you did too
in the spaces between breaths
it wanted to grow
but I knew, no matter how much it ached, it couldn't,
knew how it would change
shift the terrain we had begun to build on
so I plucked it from it's hiding place
and hid it on my highest shelf
to gather dust and fade
the dull ache it left behind
soothed by every smile you gave
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Comments: 4
I am having some problems with your word choice. They almost feel like they are misspelled.
"I felt it growing there,/ and I think maybe you did to/ in the space..." I believe you meant too as in also rather than to as in 'to go' somewhere or 'to do'.
Second, "it couldn't/ knew how it would change..." I believe you meant know, and just ended up repeating knew from the line before.
The last thing I have problems with for this poem is something that is purely my own idea of how to convey meaning so I'll keep it to myself.
Overall I think the poem is a little unclear about the subject. It has a nice flow to it and some nice imagery but without understanding what is being talked about, be it a secret, an emotion, or something solid like illness, everything is foggy.
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thanks for the grammar check I missed those when I posted it, also a lot of what I write is stream of consciousness, and is often very in the moment for me, so while it may have meaning that is clear to me, I realize that it can and often is lost on people who don't know me or my situation. I appreciate you letting me know, but often for me a poem loses a lot of it's strength when I try to tweak it to far from how it is in my head, flow is often easier to change than clarity, but again thank you
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Also, looking at it again, you second problem is a matter of my poor punctuation in general with my my poetry, I jump lines and kind of sporadically punctuate based on how I would read the poem
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