Comments: 4
Aleydream [2012-09-09 21:33:12 +0000 UTC]
I am having some problems with your word choice. They almost feel like they are misspelled.
"I felt it growing there,/ and I think maybe you did to/ in the space..." I believe you meant too as in also rather than to as in 'to go' somewhere or 'to do'.
Second, "it couldn't/ knew how it would change..." I believe you meant know, and just ended up repeating knew from the line before.
The last thing I have problems with for this poem is something that is purely my own idea of how to convey meaning so I'll keep it to myself.
Overall I think the poem is a little unclear about the subject. It has a nice flow to it and some nice imagery but without understanding what is being talked about, be it a secret, an emotion, or something solid like illness, everything is foggy.
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AvianHartridge In reply to Aleydream [2012-09-09 22:06:06 +0000 UTC]
thanks for the grammar check I missed those when I posted it, also a lot of what I write is stream of consciousness, and is often very in the moment for me, so while it may have meaning that is clear to me, I realize that it can and often is lost on people who don't know me or my situation. I appreciate you letting me know, but often for me a poem loses a lot of it's strength when I try to tweak it to far from how it is in my head, flow is often easier to change than clarity, but again thank you
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AvianHartridge In reply to AvianHartridge [2012-09-09 22:12:26 +0000 UTC]
Also, looking at it again, you second problem is a matter of my poor punctuation in general with my my poetry, I jump lines and kind of sporadically punctuate based on how I would read the poem
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Awayfromtrouble [2012-09-09 21:14:44 +0000 UTC]
Really good
Really Original
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