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AzeilaRose — Lillian 2.6.2011
Published: 2011-02-26 07:31:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 1804; Favourites: 28; Downloads: 12
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"What did you get on your test?" Penny asked me. I looked at her with as much enthusiasm I could muster... which wasn't much."A fifty-five," I said, monotoned.
"Hmmm, well, that's pretty good for you," she said, trying to be positive.
"Screw math. Who cares about it anyway? It's probably the most useless subject ever invented."
"Congratulations, Frankie. This is your third perfect test in a row," our teacher, Mrs. Fredrickson, said. She set the graded piece of paper on Frankie's desk. The cutest boy in the whole school nodded in thanks, but didn't say anything out of sheer modesty. What a guy.
"Heeellloooo, Earth to Lill," Penny said, noticing my staring.
"What?" I asked.
**"Saces tu una fotographia, dura mas tiempo," she teased.
"You know, Penny, math really is important for the development of society. Think of where we'd be without it," I pointed out, still looking at Frankie.
"Oh Jesus," she said, rolling her eyes.
Thirty minutes later, the bell rang. I made sure to get right up next to Frankie in the jumble of people trying to get out the door.
"Gee, Penny! I just don't know what to do! I'm really struggling with this chapter about circumferences!" I said loudly. Penny gave me a look that said, "Are you serious?"
"If only I could find someone who could help me! Someone really smart."
"I can help you," this nerdy butt-ugly kid named... I don't even know, said. I tried to ignore him.
"What am I going to do?!" I asked.
"I'll help you, Lillian." the loser said again.
"In your dreams, shit-breath." I whispered harshly. "Heyyyyy, Frankie! Aren't you good at math?" I asked, walking right up beside him.
"Huh? Oh, I guess," he said shyly. 'He's so adorable,' I thought. I felt like melting when our eyes met.
"Think you could help a girl out?" I asked, making sure to wear my best smile.
"Uhm, sure. If you want."
"Great. Here's my number. Call me after school, okay?"
"Okay," he said, taking the folded up piece of notebook paper from my hand. I winked and I saw his face go red.
I loved it.
**"You should take a picture. It will last longer."
Hey all. Not too long ago, I posted a reference picture for my OC's as of February 2011. [link]
~CFox22 pointed out to me that he'd like to see them in a story. This got my creative wheels turning, so in class I wrote up a short little story taken out of a given day this month.
And I also wanted to include a little illustration for each story. So above you get to see Lillian flirting with her biggest crush.
I would love to have an in depth critique of this, or just to even hear your thoughts. I put a lot of time into this, and I also care deeply about my OC's and story. I just want to share them with you!!!
Feedback means the world to me!!!
So please, let me know what you liked, and what I can do better on, both on the picture and the text.
Some things in specific I'm wondering about:
Did I get the bit of spanish right? Penny can speak it fluently, while I've only taken a few years of spanish, and that was a while ago. If anyone knows, please let me know!!!
What do their expressions tell you?
Do you like Lillian? Do you not? Why?
Did I get the grammer and spelling right? Does it flow smoothly?
Does Lillian sound like a middle school girl? That's what I was going for...
Anything else on your mind!!!Some things I'm aware of that I don't really wan't pointed out:
The background. This is something I'd love to improve on eventually, but right now I don't have the patience or time to draw my own. So this is what we get. Fun facts:
I used some actual clothes for references in Lillian's outfit.
[link] [link] Haha, I know, I changed the jeans a little
Texture credits:
[link]
[link]
Also, anyone who comments on this, send me a note on something you'd like me to comment on back. I really appreciate your thoughts, and would love to return the favor.
More of Lillian:
Oh my, she's grown so much since that last pic!!! *tear*
If anyone from is here, please do not post the icon in your comment, but rather do it by typing : dev gimmefeedback : without the spaces. I'd really appreciate that.
EDIT: Thanks so much to the people who have helped me edit this as far as grammar and spelling go! You guys are the reason I joined DA!
There still may be mistakes, but if you catch them let me know! 
Related content
Comments: 77
Wow, I'm so sorry for such a late response on this!
I know what you mean! I have a few characters that can speak other languages and I have no clue what I'm doing!
I feel bad for the nerd kid too. I want my characters to not be perfect though, and one of Lill's flaws is that she's well... she can be judgmental and mean.
I'm so glad that you like her character still the same though!
I agree about the background. I got a little lazy there at the end, I'd been working on this for a while, and I just was so eager to post it! A few people called me out on that and I absolutely agree.
But thanks so much for your comment! Always means so much to me!
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really love the detail and the coloring on this one I'd have to say in drawings of people I always tend to look at the hands the most (the most terrible part for me to draw) and I love her hands, great emotion and I love how I cant tell if the background is a photo or a drawing haha
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Awww, thanks so much for such nice words! That means a lot to me!
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Also, "Fifty-five" would sound more natural to me than "A fifty-five". I didn't mention it before but I just noticed someone else said that too so I changed my mind and thought I'd say
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Sorry for taking so long to comment on this! I really liked the way Lillian came across. I like the way she's quite forward and not typical-shy-schoolgirl. So many things I've seen or read about school concentrate on the angst so much that this was qute a refreshing change. She almost comes across a little goofy (not quite) but in a cute kind of way. I like that she's forward, but not slutty, and that she's still quite young and innocent, not flirty. She comes across quite bubbly and confident.
I wasn't so sure about Frankie. I very much liked the bit at the end - the final line was awesome. When he nodded at the teacher though it just seemed a bit arrogant. Maybe it's just me, but when I got perfect/high-scoring tests in school I would have been super-embarrassed if the teacher had commented about it to the whole class. And the "This is your third perfect test in a row" seems just made for street-cred-killing, haha. At the least I was expecting him to duck his head, whereas nodding along just seemed to say "Yeah, I know. Great, aren't I?" which doesn't really seem to fit with the character as described in the second half (and the picture, for that matter).
Some other literature suggestions:
You don't really need the "our teacher" as well as "Mrs Fredrickson". We can work out from the context that she's the teacher, and the extra bit makes this line a bit clumsy.
"monotoned" is okay, but I'd consider using something more expressive. There could be any number of reasons someone's monotoning and picking a more specific word would help us identify with Lillian. Examples:
"A fifty-five," I said dejectedly.
"A fifty-five," I sighed.
I winced. "A fifty-five."
"A fifty-five," I said, resigned.
On to the picture! I really like this. I like the way it adds to the story - it's telling a story itself that works nicely in harmony with the text below. I love the way she's so upfront and outgoing and he's a bit bemused and a bit shy and doesn't quite know how to react. I love her body a whole. The one-shoulder-up thing looks really cute for some reason. And her outfit is amazing! I first noticed the awesome design of the top (sadly the links you provided for the clothes redirect to the main page of that website, so I can't see the original) and really liked it, and then I noticed the level of detail in the jeans - wow! 
Frankie's clothes also look good in terms of design; I like the way they're smart and functional but not so trend-conscious, which fits with character. In terms of colouring they are a bit weaker than Lillian's. There are two main suggestions I have about this. The first is that even if your shirts are ironed and you've just this second put them on, there are more folds in them than that. Shirts are made of a thinner material so they bend around even in the places where they're not actually folding. Look at this picture: [link]
It's not a great example as it's a bit overexposed, but take a look at how the light acts on the shirt. You'll notice that even on the right upper arm (his left) where there aren't any folds in the fabric, there are still darker patches where the fabric bends a little. I imagine Frankie's wouldn't be quite as complex as this one as white business shirts tend to be the thinnest of all (and therefore bend and fold the most), but it would definitely have some variation in light in places other than just the joints. And as someone else said, some of the heavier folds/creases would show up in the outline too.
The second thing is most noticeable on Frankie's jeans but it really applies to the whole picture. It's that the shadow is only at the edges. This actually makes it look like his legs are flat but with a curved edge. I don't know how well I'm explaining so I'll include some pictures.
[link] - this is something flat but with curved edges. See how (apart from the shadow of the switch) it only has shadows at the edge?
[link] - this is more cylindrical. See how the shadow goes round more as the item curves?
Sorry if that sounded patronising, it's hard to be sure how well you've explained something when you can't see the other person's reaction! So I hope I didn't go overboard there :S
Wow, I kind of feel I got sidetracked a bit there explaining stuff. I can't quite remember what I was going to say next. I like both of their faces. All the cute little features that make people so unique, even down to their ears! I like the shading on his eyeballs too, that's a nice little touch that makes things look ever more realistic and detailed. (But you should add it to hers too!) Her eyelashes are just beautiful! And I love her bushy mane of hair, although I agree with what someone else said about adding some more darker tones.
If we're going to get technical-technical, you should probably get permission before using an image of someone else's in the background... but I do like how it works in this picture
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I really like your style, and the characters are adorable!
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I like how the background is an actual photograph! Makes it really original, like something out of a movie that uses both reality and cartoons!
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Awww, thank you so much! That means a lot to me!!!
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Aww they're very cute! I love their clothes - that's something I always struggle with.
It'd be nice to see the background drawn - perhaps you could just draw a copy of the one you have there?
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Thank you very much!
Yes, I've gotten a lot of suggestions to change the background, so when I find the time to come back to this, I defiantly will!!! Thanks again!
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This is so adorable! I love the expressions on their faces!
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Aside from the omgcuteness of this pic and Lillian's hair, the first thing I noticed was the hands and how great they look. 
Lillian's pretty curvy for a middle-schooler, but its believable since it would definitely add to her attractiveness/popularity factor.
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Awww, thank you so much. That really really means a lot to me.
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amazing drawing they boy actually reminds me of my nephew
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Thanks! Really, that's kinda cool!
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It's great what you did - a story about really cute characters. It's eye catching.
I love their natural face expression and position of their bodies - reminds me of one of those high school movies - "pretty girls and nerdy boys who always get the girl in the end".
I like the background too, it's neutral, but still effective, and it matches the colours of their clothes. Overall, I really really like your drawing, and you did a beautiful job! Well done!
You should post another story about them (:
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Awww, thank you so much. Your meaningful comments always mean so much to me.
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I really love this!
I like the story, it's very cool.^^ And yes, Lillian sounds like a middle-school girl, which is good.
Are you going to write a book out of this? If you do, i would love to buy it, cause it sounds pretty interesting.
The pic is great!
You drawn them really good. I like how you did their clothes, it looks very cool.
I can tell that this story and pic means a lot to you, and that's really good cause i can see how much effort you put in it. This is very lovely, keep it up!
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Awwww, thank you so much! It's comments like this that make me want to keep drawing and writing, for real!
Yes, this is part of a series of books I've been developing since 2004. Only recently have I been submitting more stuff on DA though.
Your interest seriously just makes my heart fill with joy. Words can not express how thankful I am that we're friends and that you leave the nice comments you always do! I've been feeling a little discouraged lately, but as I said, it's people like you that keep me going!
I will warn you though that this is a lighter part of the book. Other sections can be really dark and depressing, revolving around topics such as domestic violence, suicide, and drug abuse. I hope you're still intrigued!!!
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No problem!
I'm very glad that you're so happy about my comments.
And no worries, i'm still intrigued in your book.
It doesn't have to be a fairytale or has lots of happy parts, cause real life is not so bright either. So, i actually like that you made those dark parts.
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#GimmeFeedback
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What a wonderful comment! Thank you so much!!! I totally agree with her chin. I was having difficulties with her face and someone else pointed that out to me. I was like "that's it!!!". It's reasons like this that I joined DA, so that I can learn to improve!!! I'll have to go back in and write out those numbers, that's good advice.
If it isn't too much of a bother, is there any way I can improve the writing to make it better then fair other then change the numbers? I'd love to be the best I can!!!
Thank YOU so much for taking the time to write that critique. It means SO much to me!!!
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1. When you write dialogue, speech attributions change with the set up. If you write ' "Hmmm. Well, that's pretty good for you," she said...' it should look like that rather than with the capital letter and period you used there. This is true every time you attribute dialogue with the words 'said, asked, replied' - the three words it's best to use for dialogue since what is said should stand on its own, and the writer shouldn't distract a reader with extra words.
2. One more example: ' "In you dreams, shit-breath," I muttered..." '
The comma is important to use in dialogue like that. The only times it isn't used is, per my own example: "He stood shocked. 'How could you say that?' " In other words, if an action is used instead of a speech attribution, no commas are needed.
3. Be careful not to use too many ellipses (...) or it doesn't work. Also, stay in active voice writing. Do a check for unneeded words (often prepositions), too many adverbs (-ly words) and too many passive verb forms (often -ing verbs).
I think with those few tips, your writing will be better than fair, it'll be quite good. (:
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Oh my gosh, thank you SOOOO much!!! Words really can't express how thankful I am for that!!!
I'll definitely go back and fix it soon. (Right now I'm tied up with another project, so if it doesn't change right away don't think I'm ignoring your advice. It's going to change.
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Wow, you're really good at this stuff! Nice work!
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Overall I think this is very nice! Their expressions are great! So is the detail in their clothes! Their poses seem a tad stiff, especially the boy where he seems to be more at a standstill while the girl appears to be walking. What can help is drawing a "line of motion' that follows the curve of the body, since humans rarely ever center their weight equally on both feet. His right hand is fine, but his left seems a bit oddly bent. This is just my opinion but the photo backround looks odd with the painted characters because it's a bit disproportionate. They should be much smaller in relation to the backround(ex. they would be close to or the same height as the lockers).
Hope this is a decent critique! I haven't done to many before 
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Oh thank you so much for all the nice tips!!!
My mom pointed out that his one hand looks broken!
I'm probably going to go back and make my own bg,because I think I'll feel better about myself if I do.
Thank you again, I really appreciate it!!!
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I like how you turn the table and the guy is the blushing instead of the girl, most of the time it
is the girl lol xD
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Haha, thanks for noticing! I try not to be too stereotypical when I create.
And Lillian defiantly has the confidence and charm to make most boys blush. 
Thank you again!
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no prob you are a great artist ^^
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Thank you SOOOO much.
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i really really like this one!!! you know, i've always liked your lazy use of real pictures for backgrounds (just kidding, just kidding!!) but no, for reals, i love the picture against the background. it works really nicely
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Haha, you silly.
I agree, the clothes could use some more help, but I'm not sure what's wrong with the books. I really like them, and so do a lot of other people. How does they look flat?
At any rate, thanks so much for the nice words Wessie! I always love your feedback!
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very good...i see that you are full os news pictures...hehehe
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Thank you! Yes, I've been inspired lately!
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