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AzureJass — Felaryan Short stories: Story 2
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Published: 2012-07-10 21:57:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 2297; Favourites: 19; Downloads: 22
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Story 2: Art Block.```
Two zigzags of blue lightning lit the darkened sky as rain wailed like bullets on Negav city. While the citizens of Negav were sleeping through this stormy night. That wasn't the case for Inari.
The elf laid on her bed looking away from her window,unable to sleep. Despite being in a comfortable and warm bed covered in a silky smooth blanket, she couldn't fall asleep. Her mind was too busy and disturbed. This weather had always brought memories, bad memories that couldn't let her rest.
Inari then stood up, went to her living room and she took a look at her old paintings on the wall. She had done quite a few in the past but she only ever hung four of them. All four were colorful landscape portraits. A lot of people had praised her artwork but she never gave herself credit. Especially when she has had an art block for eight months now. She thought about it and figured that since she could not sleep, she might try and draw something for a change.
She walked across her living room and then stopped at the door of her balcony. There, she opened her curtains and saw a better view of the storm; it was raining so heavily that her balcony's drain could barely keep up with draining the water from it.
She went to her desk and took out her sketchbook, a pencil and an eraser. She then sat down on her couch facing the balcony and placed the pen on the paper ,but she stopped. She eyed the scenery in front of her and then eyed the blank paper. She did this act for several times until she finally moved the pencil to make a vertical line.
However, she kept moving it down and pressing hard until the pencil finally broke. In anger, she took the paper, scrambled it, and threw it away. She rubbed her face several times, baffled; why couldn't she just draw? Why can't these thoughts inside of her just go away? Her sight went to the balcony that watched the chaotic weather and the dark sky occasionally being lit by blue zigzags.
Inari then stood up, went across the living room, opened the door and stepped into the drenched balcony. She felt a strong chill as the cold wind embraced her body and the rain dropped on her bald head. She wished that the rain could wash away her troubling memories.
Some time later, her train of thoughts was interrupted by a sneeze, her body had enough cold for now so she went inside, closed the door, and since she couldn't sleep she decided to go and take a warm shower.
Soaked with water, she went across her living room and headed towards her bathroom. On her way she caught sight of a frame with picture, that picture was of her when she was young and her older sister Theresa hugging her from the back.
Inari picked up the picture and stared at it for a bit. After a while Inari couldn't help but smile at the picture right before she felt the chill again, which made her put the picture back and go to the bathroom.
She dropped the drenched clothes on the floor of the bathroom, went into the shower, opened the tap and let the water massage her body. She rubbed her hands over her neck, breasts, stomach and hips.
However, her mind was still busy, she simply couldn't rest because it was Theresa's birthday. Inari only gets troubled like this on two occasions. The date of Theresa's birth and the date of her death.
"Theresa... I am sorry..." She whispered as she tilted her head down. "If it wasn't for me... We would still see you again..."
Inari stood still like a rock as the water hit her head and went down her body. The bathroom was now covered in shrouds of white mist as vapor filled the place. It gave her warmth and comfort, so she decided to stay here for a little longer.
***
The next morning, Inari watched the light streaking out of the vanishing clouds as she drank her morning cup of coffee. She didn't get enough sleep last night but she felt fully awake and in no need for extra sleep.
Inari wanted to set back and enjoy the view all day long but she remembered that she had agreed to meet with her best friend, Ramina, outside the city in the mooring for a hike out into the Felaryan jungle.
When Inari stood up, went to her bedroom and opened her closet, she was greeted by a crowd of dresses, pants and shirts. In the middle, however, was her police uniform. She always wore this uniform with pride, fighting crime across Negav and its surrounding area.
But she was on a leave for one week so she won't wear it today, So she instead wore a casual blue robe. She then strapped a belt that she placed her staff in and she finally took her messenger bag. However before she could get out, she took one last look at her sketchbook and pencil; she kept staring at it until she eventually took them with her and went outside.
She went downstairs and then outside her building. She looked into the sky to the clouds slowly disappearing and the sun rays getting stronger. She wore her hood to cover her head and then went into the road.
After a while she reached the gates of Negav which were guarded by heavily armed men and big artillery. She slowly ambled towards the gate as a guard came to her.
"Miss Naymore," He said as he aimed his weapon down. "please don't tell me you want to get out."
"Yes if you don't mind," She nodded. "I am on leave and I need a change in scenery."
"You sure about this? I mean, you don't look heavily armed."
"I only need my staff. I may not be the strongest mage but I am pretty confident of my skills."
"Yeah but-"
"She is with me Rorik!" Said a voice that cut him off.
They looked back to another elf; she had long blonde hair, purple eyes, wore a black shirt and brown leather pants.
"Rami!" Inari went to her and both of them hugged each other briefly.
"Miss Highwind." Rorik walked to her. "You don't look heavily armed either."
"Rorik, you don't have to worry. Mages can still cast spells without robes you know."
"It's not about that, you know Felarya has no mercy. Not to mention the fact that you're elves."
"What do you mean by that?!" Cried Ramina.
"Well... Ugh..." Rorik halted his words, clearly his choice of them was poor. "I've heard that you guys are... More... Ugh... tasty."
"Listen you short eared idiot." Ramina flounced toward him as the tone of her voice became more stern. "Both of us are more powerful than you'll ever be. Now, will you let her pass or shall I release my wrath upon you?" She glared at him.
"Yikes!" He backed by one step. "Y-y-you can pass." Rorik and a lot of people do fear Ramina's anger. They fear her more than any predator in Felarya.
"Good." She gestured Inari with her head and the two went on their way.
"You know Rorik, you are truly a master wordsmith." Scoffed one of the guards.
"Shut up!" He said and returned to his post.
The elven pair walked away from the gate, looked at each other and then laughed.
"You know Rami, you should have been actress." Said Inari.
"I know." She took a breath after laughing hard. "Did you see the look on his face? It was priceless."
"It sure was."
Both of them extended their arms and punched each other's fist.
"Now Rami, what's the plan?"
"Come here, I'll show you something." Ramina gestured her with her fingers as she went into a large thicket. Inari, not knowing what she was up to, followed her steps.
Behind the thicket, Inari saw a large dome made of mud. Ramina gestured with her hand and removed the mud to reveal a convertible light-utility vehicle.
"A car?" Inari walked near it and examined the exterior of the vehicle. "Where did you get it?"
"My uncle gave it to me, it was his old car and he knew I love driving and I don't get to drive much. Come on, hop in." Ramina jumped above the door and sat on the driver's seat.
"You always love to show off." Inari, more demurely walked around, opened the door and sat near her friend.
"You're just overly civil Inari. And why are you wearing a robe when we are going into the jungle?" She started the car and then looked back at her friend.
"Robes are more comfortable to me Rami. You know I rarely wear pants other than our uniform's."
"Alright, as you wish." She steered the steering wheel, pressed on the pedal and then drove into the jungle.
"So where are we going?" Said Inari as she saw the lush views of the jungle rush beside her.
"A place with a spectacular view! You're gonna love it! I know you love nature."
"You sure it's safe?"
"I haven't seen a predator if that's what you mean. Nothing we can't handle." She smiled.
"Rami ,I swear, if this is one of your tricks , I am gonna electrify you until you're as bald as me!"
"Hey hey, don't worry everything is fine, I planned this whole vacation up so we could have fun. I noticed how you were down lately."
"I am fine Rami, I just had few troubling nights."
"Oh." Ramina knew what was bothering her, but she didn't want to talk with her about it so she won't get back to sadness.
"Really Rami, I am okay. I just feel somewhat inactive and I need to pump blood into my brain."
Ramina looked at her for a moment, smiled and then pressed hard on the pedal so the car darted forward in a dashing speed. Inari looked around rapidly, surprised at this sudden act.
"W-w-what are you doing Rami?!" She cried as her shaking hands quickly reached for the seatbelt and struggled to fasten it.
"Do you have enough blood pumping into your brain now?!" She laughed.
"More than I ever wanted to!"
"Woohoo!" Shrieked Ramina as she felt the wind brush her hair. "Come on Inari, scream as loud as you can!"
"I'd rather you slowed down Rami. This is hazardous!"
"Oh don't be such a wuss!" She said. Then, suddenly, the car started to decelerate until it finally came to a halt. Ramina looked around and saw that the car was stuck in a pool of greasy mud.
"Oh just fucking great." Said Ramina. "Inari, would you push the car from the back?"
"But I am wearing a robe." She replied.
"Fine." She groaned. "Take my seat and push the pedal when I tell you." She opened the door and went out.
"Roger." She switched her seat and held the wheel firmly.
Ramina went to the back and pushed her body against the car.
"Okay Inari, let's -" Suddenly the earth shook and a large mouth appeared not too far away from them. Ramina saw it and instantly got terrified at the sight.
"Earth mouth!" Cried Ramina.
"Oh shit." Inari quickly pressed hard on the pedal and then the wheels rolled hard. Ramina, in the midst of all that mud, pushed the car forward but it wouldn't move.
"Damn it, Inari don't stop! We've gotta-" Ramina felt something embracing her legs. She looked down and saw green tendrils wrapped around her, then the tendrils pulled her away from the car.
"Rami!" Inari jumped out of the car, put her hand in a puddle of muddy water, enchanted it, and after that she pulled a solidified piece of ice shaped like a dagger out of it.
She ran to Ramina, grabbed her legs and rapidly cut the tendrils around it. She also made a few cuts on Ramina's pants but this wasn't the time to care for garments. After that, she grabbed Ramina's arms and helped her be on her feet again.
"Are you alright Rami?"
"Been better, but thanks."
"Don't menti-" At that moment the earth shook again and this time both of them fell down and saw themselves being drawn to the centre where the mouth was.
"You think you can eat me that easily?!" Ramina neared both of her hands together and then an orb made of fire appeared between them. The orb got larger and larger until it doubled the size of her head.
"Eat this!" She launched the orb into the mouth and the mouth was engulfed in yellow flames. The earth shook harder for a while and then everything stopped.
"Is-is it dead?" Inari panted as she got up again.
"I certainly hope so." Ramina got up on her knees and then Inari helped her getting back on her feet. "Come on, I have an idea of how we can move the car."
"What idea?"
"Well, I've been practicing this new technique of using earth elemental magic, I've been successful in a small scale, I'll try it on a big scale this time."
"Let's see what you've got Rami."
Ramina breathed twice and gestured with both of her hands, then the earth shook and a large pillar made of stone came from beneath. The pillar turned to face the car, extended itself until it reached it and finally pushed the car until it was away from the mud.
Ramina collapsed on her knees panting and sweating. Inari came to her and gave her a pat on the back.
"Good job Rami! That was amazing."
"Thanks." She extended her hand to Inari and she helped her get back on her feet. "I need more practice in order to master this element."
"You were fantastic, never mind that for now. Are you alright? Can you drive?"
"I am fine, now let's get out of here before that thing comes back to us again."
"Agreed." She nodded. "You can't be sure something is dead in this world."
They both returned to the car and drove away from the earth mouth, wishing not to see it ever again.
"So, since when were you practicing with the earth element?"
"For a few months, lady Cynthia has taught me few techniques. I've been trying to master as many new techniques as possible lately."
"It's always good to try something new, I was surprised myself of how well I used the freezing spell. I've only recently mastered the water element and learned how to freeze and reshape it."
"You were always talented with magic Inari, you're better than me in many aspects of it. I am pretty sure you can master everything."
"Stop buttering me up like that Rami, I am not that good."
"I am serious! Be proud, you're an elf, The embodiment of both power and beauty!"
"Well, I wouldn't call myself beautiful." She placed her hand on her bald head.
"Come on Inari, you are beautiful. Hell your ears are longer than mine!"
"You really want me to smile don't you?"
"Inari, I know this day is hard on you." The tone of her voice became calmer. "I know you don't like going through it, I arranged this vacation so I could give you some levity."
"I am fine Rami, really I am." She lied, but she didn't want to make her friend feel concerned about her.
"Then come on, give me a smile, your smile is always g-" Then a loud shriek interfered with her sentence. She looked behind as a large harpy erupted from behind the trees and it headed towards them.
"Come here you pointy eared morsels! I've got the right place for you two!" Bellowed the harpy.
"Rami, step on it!" Cried Inari.
"You don't need to tell me that." She gritted her teeth, pressed hard on the pedal and they darted through the landscape.
Despite the insane speed, the harpy was behind them; in fact, she was closing in on them. Ramina then steered to the right in between the trees in an attempt to lose her.
However, The harpy still followed them, gracefully avoiding all the branches and obstacles around her. She was no mere hunter, she was a skillful one. She wanted to eat them more than anything at that moment of time.
Then Inari got an idea. "Keep the car in straight line." She removed her seatbelt and went back.
"What are you doing?!"
Inari sat on the back seat and eyed the ravenous predator. She charged a large magic orb made of lightning. She continued to charge it until the orb was thrice the size of her head and then threw it at the ravenous harpy. The harpy shrieked in pain as she was hit and fell to the ground spasming erratically.
"Phew!" Inari tilted her head down in relief as she felt the car slowing down and eventually stop.
"Is she dead?" Asked Ramina as she looked back at the winged predator. Then the harpy moved her wings, answering Ramina's question in the worst way possible.
"Y-y-you... p-p-pathetic nitwits are going to pay for this!" Her face is now angrier than before.
"Shit!" Ramina pressed on the pedal and drove again in between the trees. She looked around for a good place to hide from the predator, and saw a tree with a large opening in its trunk that was big enough for their car so she drove right into it. She put the parking brake as both elves sighed in relief.
"That was a close one." Said Inari is she titled he head back on the headrest.
"Yeah, let's take a break shall we?" Ramina reclined her seat. "We'll wait for a while until she is gone."
"Okay." Inari nodded.
The elven pair sat down and did not move a bit, the trunk gave them ample amount of shade and protection from predators.
Inari looked at her friend and saw her falling asleep, she inhaled and exhaled in a slow and peaceful manner. That spell must've drained her strength.
Inari couldn't help but feel guilty, Ramina did all of this to please her on this wretched day. And her attitude could've been more cheerful. She had always been a good friend to her since she knew her. She always wanted to cheer her up.
She quietly got out of the car and enjoyed the serene sights and the dulcet sounds of the jungle. She had always loved nature, it always amazed her how a place like Felarya could be both peaceful and perilous at the same time.
Then something caught her attention not too far away; it was a dryad, in slumber among a crowd of trees. She looked so innocent and harmless in her sleep that it might fool Felaryan outsiders into believing that she was not a predator. Inari kept looking at her for a while until she got an idea.
She reached for her bag and took her sketchbook and pencil, she opened it and put the pencil on it. She eyed the dryad once more and thought to herself; can I do it? Can I draw again?
She then turned her sight back to her companion. Ramina wanted her to be happy in this day, she wanted her to move on and forget her dreadful past. And she did not want to disappoint.
She looked at the dryad and started draw; she drew light scrambled lines at first to make the dryad's shape as accurate to reality as it can be. After that, she drew harder lines above them to define the shape.
She continued to draw lines and circles until the drawing started to look like the dryad, she then shaded some part to define the shadows and the colors of the giant predator.
"Holy shit you're drawing again?!" Ramina startled Inari with her cry so much that she almost drew a straight line across her drawing.
"It's just a doodle." She replied looking back at her.
"Just a doodle?!" She quickly snatched the sketchbook from her. "This looks amazing! As if you didn't have a block at all!"
"You don't need to butter me up like that Rami, I know the level of my skills, I still need to improve."
"I don't butter up anyone."
"Rami!" She looked at her solemnly.
"Okay, it is to butter you up, a bit... But I am serious, this looks really good."
"Yeah, but I am not finished yet." She took the sketchbook from her. "There is still a lot to add, like the background."
"Yeah but-" Suddenly, something caught Ramina's attention and made her stop her flow of words.
"What? What is-" She stopped her sentence as well when she saw what Ramina had seen. It was a group of armed men led by a single woman. "You know those people?"
"You're kidding, right Inari? She is a highly wanted criminal."
"Wait, you don't mean..." Inari now remembered who she was; Amarie Valmet, a highly dangerous thief that always managed to escape the authorities. So far she is accused of theft and the murder of several Negavian merchants to steal their goods.
"Come on, let's get a closer look." Ramina got out of the car.
"Alright you lead." Inari followed her friend.
They both stealthily went behind the fuzzy bushes, careful not to make a sound to attract the group's attention. They hid themselves in a bush close enough to the group so they could hear them.
"Alright boys, are you ready?" Said Amarie.
"Yes ma'am!" Replied one of them.
"Okay, here we go." She took a megaphone and then pressed the red button at the handle. "Hey! Dryad! Wake up!"
The dryad twitched her eyes and tilted her head upwards. A yawning sound came from her as she scratched her eyes and then looked down upon the crowd of humans. She couldn't help but to smile.
"Oh my, breakfast!" She started to move her roots to catch them.
"Nuh uh uh!" said Amarie as she waved her index finger. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"What do y-" She saw several of the humans carried large and ominous weapons and were pointing them at her. She had a bad feeling about this so she stood still.
"I know you dryads hate fire. These are rocket launchers filled with devastating missiles, a few shots from my men and you're ashes!"
The dryad was startled at the human's relentless threat. Those weapons looked scary to her; she had heard from her dryad friends about human weapons and how some of them can cause lots of fire, and fire is the last thing she wanted.
"W-what do you need from me?"
"I am glad you're willing to cooperate." She walked closer to the dryad. "Tell me dryad, there were a couple of heavily armed people with a carriage passing through this area. They're very important to me and I need to know if you saw them in the last three days or so."
"Oh, you mean two men wearing brown armor with a carriage that carried fruit?"
"Yes, those are exactly the ones I am looking for!"
"I am afraid you can't find them anymore."
"Why not?"
"I ate them." Her index finger touched her lips.
"What?!" She yelled as loud as she could.
"Yes." The dryad caressed her belly. "I couldn't resist the fruit they carried. So I ate them along with the carriage."
"You monster..." She went back to her men filled with rage. "Kill her! I wanna see her turn to ashes!"
"Yes ma'am." Three men pointed their rocket launchers and then fired them at her.
The dryad gasped in horror at the flying rockets. She took a handful of her leaves and threw them at the rockets. However, since she threw them in fear, she didn't have time to aim so she threw them blindly. The leaves cut through two rockets, making them explode in the air, and left one, which hit her on her abdomen.
The dryad screamed in pain as the fire started to eat her body. She moved her extremities desperately trying to put the fire out.
Inari watched this horrible scene in horror. Sure they hit a man eating dryad but even a Felaryan monster don't deserve to die like this.
"Hit her one more time boys!" called Amarie.
"No!" Inari dashed forward towards the group, carrying her staff with her. As soon as she was close enough she hit the ground with her staff and streams of ice erupted from this point and reached the group, freezing their feet in the process.
"What the...?" said Amarie. "Who are you?"
Inari ignored Amarie and ran towards the dryad. She hit the ground hard and then massive amounts of water came from underneath the staff, spraying it on the dryad in hope in extinguishing the fire. Soon after that; the dryad was covered in steam so thick it obscured her from Inari.
Inari fell down on her knees panting as she saw the dryad cloaked in white steam. She hadn't done a spell in this magnitude in a long time so she felt she was out of practice.
"Hey you!" Called Amarie. Inari turned back to see her aiming a gun at her along with the rest of her gang. "You dare interfere with my business elf? I don't know who you are and quite frankly I don't even care, you're dead meat." She loaded her weapon.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Ramina came into the scene with both of her hands blazing in flames.
Amarie looked back and forth between the elven pair confused as of who they are and why did they interfere with her.
"Who are you?" she asked Amarie.
"My name is Ramina Highwind, and this is Inari Naymore. Negavian Police."
"What?" Said one the men. "Why would the Negavian police follow us all they here from Negav?!"
"Oh we are on vacation. However..." She slowly ambled towards them. "When we saw that we could capture Amarie and her gang, which would earn us a promotion, we couldn't help but spring into action. Now, unless you guys want to be grilled by me, drop all of your weapons right now!"
The gag were startled by Ramina's threat. She was a police officer and they didn't kill people like that.
"Wait, you can't do that! You're a police officer, you have rules."
"You're right, but like I said, I am not on duty, thus I am not bound by rules. Besides, you guys are charged with theft, burglary and worse of all; murder. You're lucky I wouldn't just engulf you in flames and leave your bodies here."
They flinched and whispered among themselves right before turning to their leader, who looked back and forth between her men and Ramina.
"Do as she says." She ordered.
"But-"
"Now!" She interrupted him.
Inari watched as the gang dropped their weapons down on the floor. She looked back at the dryad to check on her condition and she was shocked; the dryad's skin was heavily burnt and she was not moving a single muscle.
"No... " She ran to one the dryad's hands and rubbed it. "Please wake up!" She tried to shake the hand but it was too heavy for her to move.
Amarie was disgusted by the scene she just saw and couldn't help but to feel angry about it. "You really care for this monstrosity?! She is a fiend, just like every other predator in this jungle. She deserves to be burned to death!"
"You have no right to call her a monster!" Inari turned back at Amarie. "You have killed a lot of innocent people yourself, you are now more monstrous than her!" She clenched her hands.
"You are really a fool aren't you? You think those ideals that you were taught back at Negav apply here? Or anywhere in fact? Listen to me elf, there is one rule in Felarya; eat or be eaten!"
"Then why would you ask the dryad for your fallen comrades?" Asked Ramina.
"Who said I care about them? All I cared for was my carriage, they can go to hell as far as I care. They were for hire anyway so we were not bound by any means except by money."
Inari was enraged by Amarie's comments; she had no remorse for her fallen men and thought of nobody but herself. She was the kind of person she got into the police to get rid of.
"You're not just a monster... you're an abomination... you're far worse than any monster in Felarya. I am gonna get rid of you once and for all!" Inari pointed her staff at Amarie and her gang and then a blizzard came from the tip and hit the gang as the place was covered in fog. After that, Inari fell on her knees and grasped her staff as hard as she could so she wouldn't fall down completely.
"Inari!" Ramina ran to her friend, grabbed her hand, placed her arm above her own shoulders and then helped her to get up again. "Are you alright? You've used way too much magic today."
"I am fine." She said as the words were interrupted by the occasional panting. "They should be frozen by now, maybe we could carry her body and deliver her to the force."
"Right." Nodded Ramina.
As the fog of Inari's blizzard disappeared, they indeed saw all the bodies frozen in their place, except for Amarie's which had an oval shaped ice around her. Suddenly, it shattered as a swirling fire surrounded her and she came out unharmed.
"I see." Said Ramina. "You're a mage as well."
"Yes, I am. You elves think you're the best species in this world that can use magic, and I shall prove you wrong!" She charged a large orb of lighting and then threw it at them. But a large wall made of soil blocked it.
"What the... ?!" She cried.
"Never underestimate your enemy Amarie." Ramina jumped to be above the wall. "I am an expert in both fire and earth magic, plus a few other things."
"And I am an expert in both water and lightning." Inari came from behind the wall. "We're not like those poor merchants and thugs, so surrender now and we shall make sure you get a fair trial."
"Over my dead body elves." She took out two daggers. "I've killed mightier than you!"
"Then feel the wrath of Ramina!" She fired a fireball at her but Amarie swiftly leaped to the right, dodging her fireball. "What the...?"
"What is it? Can't you aim?" Chaffed Amarie.
Ramina raged at her comment and the fire on her hand became more intense. She then shot another fireball at her but Amarie dodged it again. After that, Ramina shot several fireballs but Amarie kept dodging them with incredible agility. After a few more attacks, Amarie disappeared into the jungle, leaving a trail of burned holes producing black smoke.
"Wow..." Inari was at awe, she had never seen someone whith such an incredible speed before. Not even her elven brethren were as fast as Amarie was. "How can she do that?"
"I don't know." Replied Ramina while panting. "But we mustn't let ou-" With the corner of her eye she saw a glaring glint that caught her attention, so she turned her head and saw a large orb of fire heading towards them.
"Oh shit, get out of the way!" Cried Ramina as both of them leaped to the side, avoiding the large fireball.
Inari got back on her feet but as soon as she did, she saw Amarie charging at her with her daggers. She used her staff to defend herself and the daggers slammed it, the power of the charge so strong it pushed Inari's body backwards.
Inari then took this chance and channeled a chain of lightning at her, but she went out of the way at the last second.
Ramina ran towards her with a fire orb in her hand, but Amarie saw her and flipped to the side, dodging just in the right time. As she did so, she spun and stabbed Ramina's right arm. She screamed in pain as Amarie stabbed her again in the abdomen and the knees, the movements so fast she didn't have time to react. She fell on the ground as blood covered most of her clothes.
"Rami!" Inari ran towards her friend but Amarie dashed to her and cut through her staff, stabbing her in the stomach. She then blew her with a strong wind she casted, which threw Inari into the air and made her hit the root of the dryad head first. She tumbled on the ground feeling dizzy.
"Not so tough, huh elf?" She walked slowly to the numb Inari, towering above her. "I said you can't defeat me. I've managed to kill a dridder once, what chance do you have to defeat me?"
She gestured with her hand and Inari rose in the air, before Amarie threw her to another tree. Inari cried as the pain was unbearable. She struggled to open her eyes and saw that Amarie was walking to her.
"Now look at you guys." She continued walking towards her. "Your friend is dead and you're soon to follow. Oh, and believe me, I'll pro-" At that moment, a spike formed behind Amarie, stabbing her in her back and lifting her up. She cried out loud as pain coursed through her body.
This sudden turn of events surprised Inari as the spike seemed to come from nowhere. However, she looked far behind Amarie to see Ramina lying face down, looking at them with her hands on the ground. She tried to get up but the pain on her knees was simply too much, so she collapsed on the ground as she kept bleeding.
Inari wanted to help her friend but her body couldn't move. Soon dizziness overcame her and she closed her eyes despite her efforts of keeping them open.
Amarie on the other hand was in an immense pain. She tried to move but she was filled with shock as she realized that she could not feel her legs. "No... " She couldn't believe it. She had lost her greatest asset, the source of her strength, she could walk no longer.
Then the spike that held her started to crack as it couldn't withstand her weight. When it broke, she fell down and hit the ground hard as she let out a loud groan. She looked at her abdomen and realized that she still had a piece of the spike inside of her but she didn't want to remove it or it would worsen the wound.
She looked around and saw Inari lying next to her, so she thought this was her chance to take revenge for her legs. She picked up her daggers and crawled to the motionless elf.
She moved slowly until she reached her. "Time to die elf, its sad that I-" Amarie then noticed a shadow covering both her and Inari. She looked up and saw giant hand approaching her, so she tried to crawl away but the hand caught her and its fingers enveloped her body. Amarie was trapped in a fleshy prison and she felt an immense pressure on her body as she felt herself ascend.
Then the hand opened and the other hand came and grabbed Amarie, elevating her up. Amarie was shocked to discover that these hands belonged to the dryad, she was still alive and she lifted Amarie to her damaged face.
"No... No way you're still alive after all of that!" Cried Amarie. Then she felt a lot of pain as the dryad pressed her fingers on Amarie's hands until they broke and started to bleed. "You... Are... A... Fucking monster, you know that?"
The dryad didn't say a word, instead she opened her mouth and moved her prey towards it with an amazing speed. Amarie didn't even have time to scream and before she knew it, she was inside the dryad's mouth, deposited on her wet tongue.
Because of her condition she couldn't move, she didn't know what to do. Her body was trapped inside this gate of death and it was only a matter of time before she swallowed. Just after she thought that, the worst happened. The tongue underneath her started to tilt and the wet surface made her slide downwards.
In desperation, she crawled up as fast as she could but the movements of the tongue made her body drift back to the throat. She saw her last glimpse of the jungle from the back of the mouth. All the sights of the trees, the blue sky and the white clouds never looked precious to her as they did now. Then, the dryad closed her lips and pushed the agile human down her throat in an audible swallow that muffled Amarie's scream of distress as she went down.
Amarie felt how the throat closed behind her body, pushing her forward as she descended the esophagus. She couldn't scream or even breath; she felt like this pain would never end until she reached the end of the conduct and eventually fell into the pit of the dryad's stomach.
Amarie looked around the darkness in horror, everywhere she looked was black and the sounds of the dryad's body were all around her. She crawled on the soggy surface until she reached the walls that had a fluid that burned her skin. Now reality came crushing on her as if she was hit by lightning, she was going to die here, and there was nothing she could do about it.
"No..." She hit the walls with her injured hands as hard as she could. "I cannot simply die here... This isn't how my life ends..." Tears poured out of her eyes as she said these words, realizing she would no longer see her home, her friends and associates anymore. She was now nothing more than food to this dryad.
***
Inari felt that her strength was starting to get back to her, and she felt an unusual warmth that gave her a sense of security that she had never felt before. She opened her eyes to see that she was on a brown surface with Ramina laying near her. She sensed something fondling her body and thus she looked up and saw that it was the other hand of the dryad, lovingly rubbing her fingers on her. However, she stopped when she noticed Inari's movements.
"You're awake!" She lifted her hand to her face to get a closer look at them. "Are you alright? Are your pains gone?"
Inari looked at her abdomen to check her wound but it had disappeared, and the hole in her robe made by Amarie's blade only exposed a sound piece of skin like the wound was never there.
"I am... I am fine..." She said. She looked at her elven friend and saw that her wounds were gone too.
"That's great! I healed you guys myself, I don't do it much but I managed to succeed."
"Y-y-y-you can heal wounds?" Asked Inari.
"Why yes, my saliva can in fact heal wounds, I've used a lot of it to heal myself. Tell me elf..." She neared them to her eyes. "What is your name?"
"C-c-call me Inari."
"Inari. Nice to meet you, my name is Mami. And let me tell that I am in your debt for eternity, never thought a small elf like you would save my life from these monsters."
"Yeah, what happened to them?"
"Well." She drummed her elegant belly with the fingers of her free hand. "Let's just say I took care of them."
"Oh, I see..."
"But I must ask Inari, why did you save me? Your kind hates giant predators and wishes that we never existed."
"It's..." She tilted her head down a bit. "Because I once lost someone dear to me because of fire..."
"Oh no..." She gasped.
"Yes... She saved my life to get me out of a place erupting with fire, and she died because of it. I really do not want to talk about."
"It's okay Inari." She carefully rubbed her bald head with her index finger. "And who is she?" She pointed at Ramina.
"Oh, her name is Ramina Highwind. She is my best friend, she has been with me since I was a little child."
"I see, nice to meet you two. I am in your debt for saving my life, and as a start, me and my friends won't eat you or any of your friends. And my dryad network is under your command."
When Inari heard a moan coming from Ramina, she turned her face to her and saw her waking up. Ramina rubbed her face and then looked around. She flinched at the sight of her location, she was high in the air on a giant hand.
"Hello Ramina!" Said Mami with a warm smile.
"Oh no..." Ramina went closer to her friend. "She is not gonna eat us, isn't she?"
"Don't worry Rami, she is a friend of ours now, she even healed our wounds."
"What in the...?" She lifted her shirt and revealed her athletic belly to see that all of her wounds were gone before covering it back again. "Well, thanks Dryad."
"Call me Mami. Do you feel alright now?"
"I-I am fine." Ramina was still startled by the fact that a predator was in front of her and didn't want to eat her.
Inari laughed at her and then she looked up and realized the sun was setting and it was going to be dark soon, so they would have to go back to Negav before the jungle became more dangerous.
"Mami." Inari neared herself to Mami's face. "It was nice meeting you, but we need get back home now. It's starting to get late."
"Aww, already?" She frowned. "But you'll come here and visit me again, won't you?" She widened her eyes to look as innocent as she could.
"Of course we will. You saved our lives too, we will come again." Said Inari.
"Awesome! Now let me get you down." She slowly lowered her hand down.
"Before you do that." Said Ramina as she raised her hand. "I have a question that haunted me this whole day and I want you to answer it."
"Well." She raised her hand up again. "What is it?"
"Is it true that elves are one of the tastiest preys in whole Felarya?"
Mami listened to her words and then a smile appeared across her face. "You have no idea how tasty you guys are." She licked her lips.
"Eeek!" Ramina went behind her friend to hide herself.
"It's okay, I said I won't eat you." She giggled.
Mami lowered them down and they said their goodbyes before walking away from the dryad as she used her camouflage to hide herself from strangers this time around. Inari and Ramina looked back and noticed that she now looked like an ordinary tree among a crowd of them. If they didn't know which tree was Mami, they wouldn't have known she was there.
They walked to their car and both of them sat comfortably on their seats.
"Oh my, this day was tiring." Said Ramina as she started the engine.
"Rami." Called Inari. "Thank you. For today I mean, it was fantastic."
"Don't say that Inari, you're not just a friend, you're my sister. A great one in fact, I just don't like seeing you sad." She released the brakes and drove out of the grove.
"Heh, this day certainly made me happier. And we gained a new friend too."
"Will you visit her again though?"
"I don't know, we'll see."
***
A couple of hours later, Inari opened her apartment door, placed her bag on the floor and then collapsed on her couch. After arriving to the city, she and Ramina went to the nearest police station and reported that Amarie was around no more and she wouldn't be threat to anyone from now on. She never thought she'd do this during her leave.
She felt tired. She wanted to change her damaged robe for a more comfortable piece of garment, but she was too lazy to do it so she laid back and enjoyed the peace she was having after a long day of fighting. She idly moved her eyes around her apartment until something caught her attention so much that made her turn her head.
She stood up, went back to her bag, opened it and took the drawing she did of Mami. It was almost a complete drawing of her body with a bit of shading here and there.
She thought to herself, could she complete it? She suffered a block ever since her sister's last birthday and never brought herself to draw anything after then because of guilt. She then went to see her picture with Theresa, and remembered how her older sister died to save her life, for her to be happy. She didn't want her to be sad and brooding.
So, Inari went to her table and took her pencil and started to draw again. She drew lines, shades and wavy traces, and kept doing that for about an hour, trying to perfect the whole piece.
Then, she took her watercolors, her brush and a bowl of water. She stroked a color with her brush and then placed it on another plank, repeating the process with another color to mix them and make a new one. Now that she got what she wanted, she took her brush and carefully placed it on her drawing. She didn't want to ruin her hard work after all the time she invested in it.
She kept coloring it for several hours, trying to get the perfect tone and balance to her piece, and then, after hours of coloring layers over layers, she finally completed it. The painting was now perfect, her first painting in eight months.
"Oh boy." She reclined on her couch and panted, this was one tiring activity. She glanced at her window to notice the first streaks of dawn in the cloudless sky.
Inari, simply tilted her head back and closed her eyes, she felt comfort she missed feeling in a long time. She saved a predator's life today, her sister had always loved dryads and thought of them as the most beautiful beings in all Felarya. She would have been proud of her if she was alive. With these happy thoughts, Inari drifted to a peaceful sleep.
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Comments: 29
((Inari watched this horrible scene in horror. Sure they hit a man eating dryad but even a Felaryan monster don't deserve to die like this.))
This is a very weird thought to have. The dryad has just admitted to doing roughly the equivalent to people before, and just admitted to being a thief, making her on the same level as the woman flinging fire around. Why have more sympathy for the serial killer who’d just attempted to commit murder than the people she’d eaten? Not one thought to the trade caravan? At all? Okay fine there are hints of this behavior when Inari threatens a man’s existence herself because this guard had the audacity to check if she was safe or not, but that still seems a little strange. Almost heartless, but not quite. More … awkward priorities.
((Besides, you guys are charged with theft, burglary and worse of all; murder.))
See? This is what makes it especially strange. She’s willing to melt someone in flames over a theft, but completely ignores the fact this dryad was a thief as well. She finds murder abhorrent, yet a serial killer who HAS TO KILL RANDOM STRANGERS CONSTANTLY as a part of her very existence, someone who’s entire life is an excessive in death and pain and the brutally vicious murder of anyone she can catch off-guard … burning her would be a crime? A shame? Why is the death of one thieving murderer so much more heinous than another thieving murderer? Why is there a double-standard between how the humans should behave and how the much larger, much more powerful creature should behave? Is this some opposite take on ‘with great power comes great responsibility’? Place the onus of justice on the weaker and more vulnerable victim?
The only reason that group of thieves and mercenaries is still alive at this point is because they had the deadly firepower of those weapons. Would Inari have stepped in if they were being devoured one by one because they didn’t have the firepower? If not, why is she stepping in to save the dryad? She apparently finds murder repugnant as the worst of all one’s crimes, yet actively endorses and condones murder from serial killers while constantly threatening murder herself.
The usual argument is that one is natural and the other is un-natural, somehow, but the scenarios are the same. For the dryad, her life is dependent on other people dying (in this case humans for the sake of food) and for the humans, their lives are dependent on other people dying (in this case the dryad who wants to eat them, and would eat others) … it’s not like this dryad is being dropped inside a small chamber with her closest friends and loved ones and forced to watch them scream and writhe in agony while everyone they were with dies around them. What makes the flames, the very flames Inari is threatening to use herself, so much worse than predation? What makes it so much worse than her own instance of burning and electrocuting serial killers that wanted to melt her?
(("You're not just a monster... you're an abomination... you're far worse than any monster in Felarya.))
Eeehhhh, nothing this Amarie has done is even slightly different than what the average predators do, save … wait. Actually there’s no possible way Amarie could have the same body-count as most predators, she’d have kill more than one person every day to keep up with the daily eating habits of mermaids and harpies and driders. She’s small enough to get into Negav and able to kill more easily within its borders, fine. That alone is a threat to society. But that makes her more uniquely dangerous, it doesn’t make her any worse than the giant predators or the fairies who would have done so anyway the moment they were presented an opening. Amarie doesn’t care about her workers or the people she hires, but from her actions neither does Inari. And if she does care then Inari hasn’t shown it up until this point, rather quite the opposite given how little respect she seems to have for the Negav guard. Amarie doesn’t have the slightest bit of care for the people around her, only the things she can aquire. Meanwhile the dryad doesn’t have the slightest bit of care for the people around her, only wants to watch the flesh melt off their bones as they writhe in a screaming agony. How is … how is Amarie worse? Identical sure, and I suspect this thief has eaten a few tom thumbs or such herself when presented with the opportunity. But ‘the same as a feylarian predator with a smaller body-count’ does not equate to worse.
Unless I’m missing further context and this villainous thief has managed other things that are worse than the other villainous thief whom Inari cares for.
(("I see, nice to meet you two. I am in your debt for saving my life, and as a start, me and my friends won't eat you or any of your friends. And my dryad network is under your command."))
I can imagine this being a hard promise to keep, seeing as you have to be aware of who is a friend to who, and I doubt the dryads take that much care into the daily gossip of social scenarios in Nagav. Worse not all dryads ask the name of the person they are eating and so unless they know a physical description might not be able to recognize one. And to further complicate things not all dryads give the murder victim a chance to speak, simply turn into a tree form and wait for people to walk inside, then turn back to normal and swallow. Their killing is too vast, too common-place, and too indiscriminate when it comes to smaller, weaker people that it’s simply not a feasible promise one can assure. Especially not with that gaping loophole in which a Dryad can gather up someone they don’t intend to eat, and feed the victim to one of their friends.
On the other hand aiding Mami did secure a friendly relationship with both this one thieving murder and the dryad species as a whole, so that’s far more beneficial than simply letting her die to the flames. Though it stills seems a remarkably heartless choice of logistics, siding with one serial killer over a spree killer, /still/ having no remorse for the mercenaries who died and yet noteworthy remorse for the dryad who could have died.
Is it pure logistics? The Dryad is more powerful and more helpful, therefore it makes more sense to aid her and hope she doesn’t just think you’re a meal at the end? A reasonable choice that worked out well, but doesn’t fit someone who’s trying to argue the moral high ground.
Glad to see Amarie dead after putting on enough of a fight to make her threat reasonably credible, and I doubt she would have been as kind to someone who saved her life as the dryad was toward the people who saved her. Though it’s still a horrible scenario all around and a very confused philosophy, it does have a happy ending for the protagonists and an amusing callback to the elven comment. Now to enjoy reading the next one.
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Well, I read the whole thing and several comments. I have to say I semi-agree with Shady: The dialogue and situations just seemed too convenient; and I'm all for coincidences but I find a string of them (4 or more) hard to swallow. Also, as one writer to another, I learned to show through sensory detail; asking what a character sees, hears, feels tastes, and smells. My advice is to ask them, not trying to sound arrogant, just constructive.
As for venturing out into jungle with no weapon, stupid. Very stupid. Even a sword or pistol would've helped this, since magic saps you. It would've been understandable if this was how she regularly got her inspiration, or was an adrenaline junkie, and with a little dialogue you could've shown this. Still would've been stupid, but there'd be no issue.
However, the exhaustion you showed of magic usage was nicely done, and the final two scenes were very nice, dialogue was smoother and the "buttering up" lines throughout were a nice touch.
I know how frustrating WB is, so you DO have some sympathy, but going over it again might not hurt.
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Thank you for taking a bit of your precious time to read my work and comment, I really do appreciate it and it's the only way I can learn 
As for venturing into the jungle, they were over confident and Ramina wanted to take her to a place where she could get inspiration, but like what you've seen, things are did not go as planned.
And yeah writer's block was an awful experience that I wish not to live again *shivers*
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Sorry to say, but I couldn't finish reading this story. I don't think I made it to the halfway mark, I just didn't like where it was going. I'm going to repeat a lot of critiques from the previous stories, so just a heads up if a lot of lines are getting repetitive. Try to think of it as a reminder of past mistakes so you won't forget them easily.
My biggest problem with this one is the premise. It starts promising, Inari having a art block and needing something to get her mind off of things for a while, but then it says that these two elves are going in the jungle. The same jungle where giant monsters, the vast majority of them are amazing at hiding and ambush preys, and a few rare ones exhibiting human-level intelligence. That is one of the biggest violation of common sense I have ever seen in a Felaryan story. To give the thieves in your last story some credits, as foolish and unprepared as they were, there was at least some benefits to venture off into the dridder forest and try to steal Oralia's earrings. Here, there were no benefit whatsoever. Worse yet, it was implied that they were cops, or at least Inari was, which makes it even more nonsensical why they would ever consider going outside the safety of the city. It may as well have been an attempted suicide. If they really wanted a change of scenery, they could have just headed to the Motamo Docks or the Chomikai Commons, or if they really wanted, a trip to Nekomura. Yeah, there are bandits in the Commons, but I'm sure they would have taken those any day over the giant monsters, and a trip to Nekomura is relatively short compared to anywhere, so while it may be dangerous, they're not likely to run into anything too dangerous. Better yet, they could have just taken the nearby dimensional gate to have a vacation on another world. That thing is there for a reason. I can buy that the thieves in the last story were foolhardy, but this? No, I don't buy it. I don't buy for even a second that elves who have been living in Negav for years would ever think going into the death jungle for a reason as stupid as a vacation.
Just to quickly cover the narrative and dialogue, I think the narrative could have used a bit more showing and less telling. The dialogue I found just as unnatural as the last one, but here, I found it forced. Very forced. The way the guard and Ramina talked just didn't feel like a normal conversation. Him mentioning how tasty elves are, why would they bring that up? It's incredibly forced. Then there was the harpy. I read her very first line and that's where I stopped. First of all, a harpy immediately after an earth mouth. I'd call it a coincidence, but that was just too forced. Felarya is massive and creatures are very spread out. Intelligent giants like harpies are especially rare, except in places where some colonies of them live like the Ascarlin Mountains. The fact she appeared so soon after the earth mouth did just seems illogical, it feels like the elves were still too close to Negav, so why would she show up there? Again, it may be a coincidence, but there was too much narrative convenience for my taste.
On to more nitpicky stuff, one thing about Negav that irks me is that it's difficult to ascertain the level of technology in the majority of its places, but the car, like an actual modern car, just seemed out of place. What was that thing doing so close to Negav? I get trucks and such, you know imports of good from other worlds and then leaving, Karbo pretty much confirmed it for me, but a car just outside the the city gate? How did it get there? Where is it from? Why was it left there when there are thieves nearby? Why would elves even be interested in them, especially since a car would seem utterly unnatural to them. Speaking of elves, how Inari used an ice dagger to free Ramina from the earth mouth's tongue was just baffling. Wouldn't it be better to shoot a blast of ice to freeze and shatter the tongue, rather than running up to it with a knife, risking of falling into the funnel as well like a dumbass, thus getting herself and her friend killed? While I'm at it, if Ramina used earth magic to get the car out of the mud, why wasn't that her first idea instead of getting out and push the car? Again, they're mages! They should use magic to help solve their problem. They don't have to use it for every little problems in life, sure, but if it's a hell of a lot more convenient to use magic, then they should use magic. Lastly, the use of "predator" in-story. I always envisioned that term as a catch-all tem out-of-story. When I hear it in-story, I think of the alien creature in the Predator movie.
And that's my critique. It may have sounded harsh, but those are my honest feelings on your story, and your stamp told me to tear it apart. It was a major step down from your first one. When you say that you're not very proud of that one, it shows. It definitely shows.
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I am sorry, but It's unfair to critique a story without finishing it. That's just plain unfair.
Ramina wanted to take her to a very beautiful and magical within the forest, even more magical than these places you mentioned. If you noticed, Inari questioned Ramina's choice of going into the forest. But Ramina was over confident of her skills and though they'd never face a danger they cannot deal with. Smug and over confident ? yeah but that's her character and characters must have weaknesses and flaws.
And I asked Karbo about the car thing and he told me that it wasn't out of place and it was okay to have it in.
Pushing the car with her magic wasn't Ramina's first choice because it would drain a lot of her energy and make her tired plus she wasn't sure it was going to work.
And yeah the harpy thing was just a coincidence.
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I disagree with saying that it's unfair to critique a story for not having finished it. When all is said and done, the fact remains that that the reader found something wrong about the story, and instead of essentially saying "I'll accept your critique only if you read the whole thing", you should be asking "why couldn't you finish the story then?"
I understand someone being overconfident, I understand character flaws, I am currently working on a character who is an arrogant mage even. The problem with Ramina is that it was just not believable. People in Negav should know full well how dangerous it is outside the walls. That kind of behavior could be expected from an overconfident outsider, because at least the guy has no idea what he's getting himself into, but from someone who's been in Negav for possibly years, I expect more common sense. Getting exhausted from casting that spell just makes the thing even more idiotic. If she's aware that using a spell like that would tire her, then it makes her overconfidence all the more unrealistic. Inari and the guard may have questioned her, but they barely put up any resistance at all, so they may as well have been on board with all of this. What should have happened is that Ramina is prepared, but was too confident that they wouldn't run into something unexpected, and if they did, that she could probably use her magic to fix the problem. That way she's overconfident, but now it's more believable because then she's at least well-equipped and it's her overly optimistic attitude that does her in. At the end of the day, I don't accept this premise. Even if I had read the whole thing, it wouldn't have changed that simple fact.
About the car, I don't mean any disrespect toward Karbo, but I find him too lenient about what works and what doesn't. Heck, like I mentioned in my original comment, we have no idea what exactly is the tech level for the average Negavian, and his pictures of Negav so far don't support the idea of there being a lot of modern tech.
Anyway, my problems with this story is the premise and I find Ramina too overconfident to be believable. Sorry I couldn't read the whole thing, but that's just how the cookie crumbles. I'll still give the rest of your stories a shot.
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The thing is, there are events in the next story that you won't get until you read this one I am afraid.
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Well, guess I'll have to go back to it at a later date, then. Sorry for my outburst, I tend to be abrasive and vocal, which isn't helped by the fact that I have a fairly specific idea of how I think things should go in the setting. No hard feelings?
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Just read the story fully and there won't be any hard feelings. Don’t jump to criticisms without getting the full picture, you might encounter things that will surprise you.
Just reading half way through and claiming your critique to be fair is arrogant I am sorry.
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Well, I finished reading the thing and, well, my opinion hasn't changed much. I find the succession of events to be to convenient, so to speak. First the earth mouth, then the harpy, then they spot a dryad (not gonna question how she wasn't camouflaged even while she was sleeping, I'm just gonna pretend she forgot to turn her camouflage on), and then they immediately encounter a notorious wanted criminal. I find this whole thing contrived, and in fact, it makes the previous two encounters with the harpy and earth mouth feel like needless filler, even more so when you consider how insanely unlikely you would be to find two intelligent giants and a carnivorous plant so close to each other. It's probably just me, but I view an encounter with a giant like a dryad or harpy to be a major focus of the narrative, which I didn't see in this piece. The harpy really wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, hence why I question her inclusion in the story. I can only assume this was to reinforce that the jungle is perilous, but I think it was poorly executed.
The fight with Amarie I also think was clumsily executed. We see her as fast, almost inhumanly so, but we don't really get much of an explanation as to how she could be so agile as to jump over a fireball without breaking a sweat. What puzzles me the most is that the story says that she was wounded in the legs, the source of her power, whatever that meant, but I saw that Rami stabbed her in the back with an earth spike with no mention of her legs ever being wounded. I can surmise that the drop is what broke her legs, but it could have been worded better, like how the spike lifted her high above the ground and that her knees shattered upon hitting the ground.
Overall, even after reading it fully, I don't think this story was well executed. Even ignoring the absurd premise, the succession of events is just far too convenient and even feels a little disconnected. I believe that if the encounter with the earth mouth and harpy were omitted entirely, it wouldn't have changed anything. It really shows that you were struggling with this one.
Still, sorry for having ranted yesterday. I'll do an effort to finish a story I don't like before I can make a critique from now on.
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Having read the entire story and presented my thoughts on it before reading through the rest of these comments, I can say that the story was written in an amateur fashion but still above average competence in terms of narrative and character design. Shows promise and is more than interesting enough to draw my attention, with a number of neat characters I can pull inspiration from.
That said, I think I can understand part of why she felt so bold in traveling out into the wilderness on her own. Looking at her interactions with the Dryad, her lack of compassion for the numerous victims, and her strange dual-sided compassion for the criminals that wanted to melt her alive, I suspect she didn’t feel that serial killers being themselves (IE: predators) was much of a problem. The idea being that it’s a danger, it’s a risk, but it’s not “THAT” bad, and surely she could force her way out of an awkward scenario if it came to it. As I’m sure she has multiple times before to instill such confidence. Think over-abundant experience in coming out as the victor, as opposed to a lack of experience to not know what might go wrong. It showcases what a horrible person she is, yes, but then there are numerous other areas in which we see what a horrible person she is.
The guard’s compliance for example. She outright threatened their lives. No, I’m sorry, while a guard would certainly do their job and try to talk to people out of committing suicide by walking into a dangerous area, and that’s all this guy was doing, asking and making sure and wanting clarification for her decidedly odd choice of actions, but about the point that woman does the equivalent of pull a gun out and aim it at your face, proclaiming if you don’t shut up she’s willing to pull the trigger, is when most guards will stop caring and just let you through. It’s not like allowing the dangerously powerful and unstable elf OUT of the city would cause any harm to the more sane citizens living inside.
The contrivances are rather forgivable for the sake of the story in my eyes. While they certainly exist, it does lead to a nice flow. One danger into the next and into the next. The filler providing short stops in the story to add more character, add more interactions, showcase who these people are and what they are willing to do when pressed. While extraneous, the harpy and the earth maw improved the story by their addition in my opinion. But then I usually am of the opinion that more is better, as we’d have far less insight into their motivations and their relationship if we didn’t see them during those two scenes.
No way to explain the dryad obviously … most feylarian predators are childish and stupid, and appear to consistently view consideration toward others to be a foreign concept. She might have simply not cared? Maybe nothing attacks a dryad often enough to warrant hiding for her own sake and so she didn’t bother, as most catalogue would be for the sake of catching victims to murder. And she’d already just killed off a caravan and devoured all of their stock, so being full she might not have been in a hunting mood? Could also explain having the self control to lick at the wounds of two delicious tasting snacks without eating them as well, she’d already killed an entire swarm of frozen mercenaries and left them to melt in a tangle heal of gore and bones and the slurry of blood. It is easier to not eat something if your already filled up.
Last thing to note, while the inclusion of the car is a weird argument, I don’t think a hub world in which portals appear from anywhere and everywhere across the multiverse leaves one much grounds to exclude a type of tech, after all guns and laser rifles can exist there. While extraneous nothing stops a person from buying a sports car and importing it over. At the same time the car could readily explain the two back-to-back serial killer attacks. The Earth-maw was simply reacting to the rumbling vibration on the road, making it easy to pin-point a meal, and the Harpy must have been some distance away and heard the gleeful shouting and the roar of an engine. She’s giant and has wings and can fly faster than the car can move, she could have been in the sky some miles away and then just swooped down after spotting the movement.
Noisy fast moving, brightly colored things are likely to attract more attention than usual, and regardless of the number of serial killers in the area the events of the story make sense if one assumes the car is drawing attention.
Yes this naturally lends to the idea of these two being ridiculously arrogant, but it’s not that unbelievable when one takes in their other character traits put on display.
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Now that's the spirit
Most of your criticisms are valid, I was (ironically) dealing with writer's block at the time and I was not at my most creative peak so to speak.
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I really enjoyed this one, you did well in describing the action that took place.
And it's always heart warming to see a predator befriend their typical prey, though the friendship with Mami was well earned.
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Thanks man, and I am pretty sure you can relate to Inari on the art block dilemma
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Mami must have some considerable willpower healing them in that manner.
I wonder if Inari will make use of those new dryad connections, a police officer and an unthinkable ally, like Commissioner Gordon and Batman.
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Well, Inari's police work is mostly inside of Negav , but you don't know, maybe it will come in handy, I've got few ideas for future stories for them.
Thanks for the feedback Fish
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I have a thing for predator - prey friendships.
Any chance of a continuation of these characters?
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Thanks for the feedback
Yeah, Inari, Ramina and Mami shall appear again in other stories in the future
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I will definitely read that then. I like your writing style and I'll be watching for more stuff.
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Well, I enjoyed it! Always liked elven characters and they seemed pretty engaging. They do seem to be unusually reckless but I suppose, to quote the masses, #YOLO XD Liked the plot device revolving around her having artist's block, it's a very familiar feeling. I wish I could say more but I'm really not a writer XP Great job anyway!
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I am glad you enjoyed it
You don't have to be a writer Simon, just stating that you've enjoyed it and stating what you enjoyed is enough for me
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Man this was quite a story, I think you did a very fine job with the elf and dryad if you ask me.
Also nice reading a Felarya story with a car IN IT, you don't see many of those in Felarya^^
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Well, I can't say much more than I've already said. You've done a great work, and you say you have a block? Doesn't seem like so, at all! = P
I like the fact that Inari is bald, it's from the fire, isn't it?
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Thank you Ilce
Actually no, she was born like that, she never had hair on her scalp her entire life.
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Ohh, a very fun little story! There were a couple of places it still needed some editing, (The last sentence of the first paragraph does not begin with a capitalized word, for example), and some sentances run on a bit, but overall I think your prose in clearly improving quite a lot. Your descriptions of the action scenes were good, and the characters were overall endearing and fairly distinct.
I do have to wonder if those two elves are a bit crazy though; going out into the Felaryan jungle does seem like a pretty reckless way to spend a day off, and if nearly dying several times is a 'vacation' for Inari & Ramina, what the heck is a bad day for them?
All-in-all I'd say great work, and keep up the quest for improvement!
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Thanks for the feedback as usual Dood, I'll try and fix these mistakes you pointed out.
And Yeah, Ramina is quite crazy and reckless, she is the type of person you wouldn't want to go to a theme-park with if you know what I mean
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