PaisleyPirate [2005-08-16 20:26:19 +0000 UTC]
I like the concepts.
Clean the prose up a bit and it would be awesome.
Frankly some of the cleaning up is the translation from your vocal story telling slang to written prose. The unchanged version might be better, honestly. OR, it might just need subtle tweaks to make it read like that while actually reading easier.
Good start. Damn good start.
Can't wait to see what happens next.
Oh, and sorry so long replying. Read it several times, just never got to answer.
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Azuriem In reply to PaisleyPirate [2005-08-19 17:22:18 +0000 UTC]
Ya know... You and Samantha (friend of mine who's doing the college thing in Minnesooota) were the only ones that gave me good critques, thanks much though. I will take to heart what ya'll said and I'll see what I can do about making the next part better.
--Arron the Ghost
--Malakai the Link
--Azuriem the Labnite
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BloodyRagDoll [2005-07-30 16:07:59 +0000 UTC]
This is a good idea.
Some bits seemed to not be of very good style of writing, not that I could point them out to you. Just bits seem rather.. juvinile in style. Mostly, though, it's good.
But I like the plot thus far and do want you to write more.
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