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Since I'd began realizing how things hand changed around me, I knew that Gerard was going to be one of the most difficult situation I would have to deal with; and that was before Holly and I...well, that just further complicated everything in my already-jumbled mind. And I'd been right, we both knew that, when I said that she couldn't break up with him. There were just no safe explanations sufficient for our steadfast friend and, not knowing that he would react as well as he did when I told him about it years later, we feared to trust him with the truth.

And, secretly, I knew it would make Holly miserable. It wasn't as though we could be together, ever, even if she dumped Gerard, and we weren't at school five minutes before I saw just how much she needed and wanted a partner in the public eye: she was still the same Holly I grew up with and loved, but somehow different, too. She hadn't changed, not really, but grown, up and out; she had loved people since she was born, but now, she was so completely in her element, caught up in the whipping and tearing storm of hormones, emotions, and junior high politics. Her and Gerard, that is. She needed somebody at her side, somebody to be seen with--and I'll never know how Gerard grew into the ability to do it as effortlessly as Holly could, but I knew it could never be me there. If they broke up...well, that wasn't going to happen.

Still, even if they couldn't break up, Holly's damnable sense of loyalty and honor--which I can't honestly believe came from any of our relatives--informed her far enough to take Gerard aside and talk to him after we got to school. I don't know what they talked about, and I don't need to; even if I did, know, though, it's not my story to tell. Whatever it was, I watched from my vantage point a few yards away as Gerard's expression grew a little solemn, and he nodded. He lifted a hand, set it on her shoulder, and my palm burned with the jealous wish that it was my hand. Holly leaned in close to him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and they kissed; it wasn't the innocent goodbye kiss I'd been so distraught about six months ago, but a deeper one, filled with too many emotions to count, and oh, my entire body burned then. I could read Holly's lips as she thanked Gerard for whatever they had talked about, and then Holly cast her glance back at me, gesturing for me to catch up.

It only took Holly a moment to conveniently remember that she forgot a book in our locker, a book she really needed for first period. Gerard moved to follow her, but she denied him with a hand touched to his chest, promising with a kiss that she would catch up with us. "She's not very subtle, that one," Gerard said, once Holly was out of earshot. He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at me, while I stared back, wearing a dumb smile and taking too long to realize that he was offering me his arm--what a gentleman.

I took it lightly, resting my fingertips in the hollow of his elbow, and we started walking in some arbitrary direction that would likely only get us to class too late. "It's a family trait," I said, smiling up at him--wondering to myself when he'd gotten taller than me--and wishing that ti was Holly's arm I was clinging to. "We're about as subtle as a pile of bricks, the both of us."

"I don't know about that." Gerard shrugged, letting the words hang in the air, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, you're looking better. A little creepy, in the shirt that I bought Holly last month, but much better."

I laughed nervously, trying to hide the color rising to my cheeks. "Oh, my God, am I really? I didn't realize, and Holly never--" Gerard laughed, waving a hand to dismiss my apology. "Was I really bad, before? Everyone's been telling me that, you know. 'Oh, Hannah,'" I raised my voice an octave, mimicking no one in particular, "'you look just wonderful. So much better, you know?' It's sick, hey? I don't feel any different than I did last week. I mean, I don't think I feel different--what's so funny?"

"You weren't feeling much of anything last week, by the way you looked. Or thinking much of anything, either, I'd bet. Where's your point of reference to compare?"

I couldn't help but smile at him. "Point conceded," I muttered, inclining my head. "And don't worry, Susan has mandated a shopping trip this afternoon. I won't be glomming on your girlfriend's wardrobe much longer."

"My girlfriend?" He glared down at me with all the mock-confusion he could muster. "You mean you're not Holly? What are you doing on my arm, then ?"

I pulled away, laughing. "You, you're cute, aren't you?"

"I do my best." We pulled up in front of the classroom, finally, and I peered in through the open doorway to find a wall clock. "We've still got another couple minutes," Gerard volunteered. He followed me to the floor as I sat, leaning against the wall in the middle of the hallway. "Your shrink's gonna have a field day with you today, hey? That, or a coronary. You never know."

"My...yeah." He knew I was seeing a psychiatrist? Hell, I didn't know I was seeing a psychiatrist, until yesterday. Was it Holly that told him, then? Without telling me that he knew? I could feel the walls curling up around me as these thoughts ran through my head, and it must have shown on my face, in my voice.

Gerard sighed, began to stand. "Alright, I get it. Not somewhere I can go. Not many places I can go with you, Hannah Gray, are there?"

"Gerard--"

"No, it's cool." He raised his arms in surrender. "I get it, you're still angry with me for--Jesus, for something I didn't even do. You're the big tough girl, right, too strong to let your guard down? I'd be a fool to think that dating your sister would give us a reason to start being friends again, wouldn't I?" He dropped his arms again, heaved a sigh. "So color me stupid, then."

I stood, too, then. "Gerard, wait."

"What?"

I wanted to laugh, so badly. I stopped myself, fairly certain that Gerard would take it the wrong way, but I could feel it there in my gut wanting to come out. He was right--especially after this morning, he'd be a fool to think that dating Holly would land him anywhere near my good side. But he was with her, protected her, when I couldn't. And that went pretty far with me. One step closed the distance between us, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm still getting used to this whole--well, everything. It's gonna take me a little while to get back into the swing of things. But you are my best friend, hey?" I smiled up at him as I pulled away, then gave him a playful sock in the shoulder. "Next to Holly, of course."

"What about me?" Holly's voice came out of nowhere, and Gerard and I both nearly jumped out of our skins. We turned, arms still around each other's backs, to meet Holly's twisted Cheshire smile. "No, seriously, I heard my name. You're not spreading rumors about me, are you?"

"Actually," I said, fixing her with a scathing glare, "I was telling Gerard your deepest, darkest secret."

Holly quirked an eyebrow, challenging me. "Oh? I'd be careful there, Hannah. It's your darkest secret, too, you know." She hooked her arm through mine, then, and we walked into the classroom laughing at ourselves and our sick lives, and left Gerard behind to brood in his confusion, any argument of the day already forgotten by all of us.

Description
Since I'd began realizing how things hand changed around me, I knew that Gerard was going to be one of the most difficult situation I would have to deal with; and that was before Holly and I...well, that just further complicated everything in my already-jumbled mind. And I'd been right, we both knew that, when I said that she couldn't break up with him. There were just no safe explanations sufficient for our steadfast friend and, not knowing that he would react as well as he did when I told him about it years later, we feared to trust him with the truth.

And, secretly, I knew it would make Holly miserable. It wasn't as though we could be together, ever, even if she dumped Gerard, and we weren't at school five minutes before I saw just how much she needed and wanted a partner in the public eye: she was still the same Holly I grew up with and loved, but somehow different, too. She hadn't changed, not really, but grown, up and out; she had loved people since she was born, but now, she was so completely in her element, caught up in the whipping and tearing storm of hormones, emotions, and junior high politics. Her and Gerard, that is. She needed somebody at her side, somebody to be seen with--and I'll never know how Gerard grew into the ability to do it as effortlessly as Holly could, but I knew it could never be me there. If they broke up...well, that wasn't going to happen.

Still, even if they couldn't break up, Holly's damnable sense of loyalty and honor--which I can't honestly believe came from any of our relatives--informed her far enough to take Gerard aside and talk to him after we got to school. I don't know what they talked about, and I don't need to; even if I did, know, though, it's not my story to tell. Whatever it was, I watched from my vantage point a few yards away as Gerard's expression grew a little solemn, and he nodded. He lifted a hand, set it on her shoulder, and my palm burned with the jealous wish that it was my hand. Holly leaned in close to him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and they kissed; it wasn't the innocent goodbye kiss I'd been so distraught about six months ago, but a deeper one, filled with too many emotions to count, and oh, my entire body burned then. I could read Holly's lips as she thanked Gerard for whatever they had talked about, and then Holly cast her glance back at me, gesturing for me to catch up.

It only took Holly a moment to conveniently remember that she forgot a book in our locker, a book she really needed for first period. Gerard moved to follow her, but she denied him with a hand touched to his chest, promising with a kiss that she would catch up with us. "She's not very subtle, that one," Gerard said, once Holly was out of earshot. He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at me, while I stared back, wearing a dumb smile and taking too long to realize that he was offering me his arm--what a gentleman.

I took it lightly, resting my fingertips in the hollow of his elbow, and we started walking in some arbitrary direction that would likely only get us to class too late. "It's a family trait," I said, smiling up at him--wondering to myself when he'd gotten taller than me--and wishing that ti was Holly's arm I was clinging to. "We're about as subtle as a pile of bricks, the both of us."

"I don't know about that." Gerard shrugged, letting the words hang in the air, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, you're looking better. A little creepy, in the shirt that I bought Holly last month, but much better."

I laughed nervously, trying to hide the color rising to my cheeks. "Oh, my God, am I really? I didn't realize, and Holly never--" Gerard laughed, waving a hand to dismiss my apology. "Was I really bad, before? Everyone's been telling me that, you know. 'Oh, Hannah,'" I raised my voice an octave, mimicking no one in particular, "'you look just wonderful. So much better, you know?' It's sick, hey? I don't feel any different than I did last week. I mean, I don't think I feel different--what's so funny?"

"You weren't feeling much of anything last week, by the way you looked. Or thinking much of anything, either, I'd bet. Where's your point of reference to compare?"

I couldn't help but smile at him. "Point conceded," I muttered, inclining my head. "And don't worry, Susan has mandated a shopping trip this afternoon. I won't be glomming on your girlfriend's wardrobe much longer."

"My girlfriend?" He glared down at me with all the mock-confusion he could muster. "You mean you're not Holly? What are you doing on my arm, then ?"

I pulled away, laughing. "You, you're cute, aren't you?"

"I do my best." We pulled up in front of the classroom, finally, and I peered in through the open doorway to find a wall clock. "We've still got another couple minutes," Gerard volunteered. He followed me to the floor as I sat, leaning against the wall in the middle of the hallway. "Your shrink's gonna have a field day with you today, hey? That, or a coronary. You never know."

"My...yeah." He knew I was seeing a psychiatrist? Hell, I didn't know I was seeing a psychiatrist, until yesterday. Was it Holly that told him, then? Without telling me that he knew? I could feel the walls curling up around me as these thoughts ran through my head, and it must have shown on my face, in my voice.

Gerard sighed, began to stand. "Alright, I get it. Not somewhere I can go. Not many places I can go with you, Hannah Gray, are there?"

"Gerard--"

"No, it's cool." He raised his arms in surrender. "I get it, you're still angry with me for--Jesus, for something I didn't even do. You're the big tough girl, right, too strong to let your guard down? I'd be a fool to think that dating your sister would give us a reason to start being friends again, wouldn't I?" He dropped his arms again, heaved a sigh. "So color me stupid, then."

I stood, too, then. "Gerard, wait."

"What?"

I wanted to laugh, so badly. I stopped myself, fairly certain that Gerard would take it the wrong way, but I could feel it there in my gut wanting to come out. He was right--especially after this morning, he'd be a fool to think that dating Holly would land him anywhere near my good side. But he was with her, protected her, when I couldn't. And that went pretty far with me. One step closed the distance between us, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm still getting used to this whole--well, everything. It's gonna take me a little while to get back into the swing of things. But you are my best friend, hey?" I smiled up at him as I pulled away, then gave him a playful sock in the shoulder. "Next to Holly, of course."

"What about me?" Holly's voice came out of nowhere, and Gerard and I both nearly jumped out of our skins. We turned, arms still around each other's backs, to meet Holly's twisted Cheshire smile. "No, seriously, I heard my name. You're not spreading rumors about me, are you?"

"Actually," I said, fixing her with a scathing glare, "I was telling Gerard your deepest, darkest secret."

Holly quirked an eyebrow, challenging me. "Oh? I'd be careful there, Hannah. It's your darkest secret, too, you know." She hooked her arm through mine, then, and we walked into the classroom laughing at ourselves and our sick lives, and left Gerard behind to brood in his confusion, any argument of the day already forgotten by all of us.