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batousaijin — Senryu . . .
Published: 2008-09-25 15:50:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 613; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 4
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Description After years of sharing a bed,
what's this that has come between us?

The barrier, now a bridge--
I touch your swollen belly.
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Comments: 22

Jade-Pandora [2008-10-04 19:39:51 +0000 UTC]

This is a good attempt.

There is definitely deep emotion in both of these pieces. However, I’m not sure that I clearly see elements of senryu here. For me, the images are a little vague and a little gentler than what I would typically classify as senryu. Remember that senryu is a bawdier style. As I mentioned in my journal, it relies on the principles of “mushin”; which include humor, irony, cynicism, or tragedy.

While you have clearly demonstrated human sentiment, these pieces feel slightly more akin to the fluidity of tanka (which I've seen in another recent deviation of yours, and even made mention of it -- you definately lean towards that style easily) Again, these are just things to grow on!

And I thank you for participating in the workshop!

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batousaijin In reply to Jade-Pandora [2008-10-05 02:29:03 +0000 UTC]

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Elmara [2008-10-02 20:25:27 +0000 UTC]

very cleverly executed! cheeky but cute.

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batousaijin In reply to Elmara [2008-10-02 23:48:09 +0000 UTC]

cheeky? in what way

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Elmara In reply to batousaijin [2008-10-03 00:58:45 +0000 UTC]

a good way of course my first impression was sadness because i thought that the couple were maybe having issues because of some 'divide' but then the last line made me smile since they couldn't be sad if they were having a baby. unless its someone else's or the wife is having an affair or.. i think too much.

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batousaijin In reply to Elmara [2008-10-03 01:16:12 +0000 UTC]

ah, cause when you said cheeky , well, it seems you meant something else. thanks for commenting.

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Elmara In reply to batousaijin [2008-10-03 01:21:53 +0000 UTC]

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HaikuKitty [2008-10-02 14:32:40 +0000 UTC]

Each stand on their own, each work together really well... Nice work!

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batousaijin In reply to HaikuKitty [2008-10-02 19:23:04 +0000 UTC]

thanks for the

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8ankH [2008-10-02 05:33:54 +0000 UTC]

these are both excellent.

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batousaijin In reply to 8ankH [2008-10-02 19:23:25 +0000 UTC]

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TheLightsWentOutIn99 [2008-10-02 05:00:01 +0000 UTC]

"The barrier, now a bridge--"

I can read different time-states into this. In one sense, physical seperation keeps the couple apart, but the pregnancy (assuming it's not a tumor), is a part of both of them.

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batousaijin In reply to TheLightsWentOutIn99 [2008-10-02 19:22:18 +0000 UTC]

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stillherelove [2008-09-27 18:38:40 +0000 UTC]

Senryu?

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batousaijin In reply to stillherelove [2008-09-27 23:34:45 +0000 UTC]

it's the form. senryu are like haiku, but... check out the journal on *Writers-Workshop

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stillherelove In reply to batousaijin [2008-09-29 16:20:17 +0000 UTC]

Alrighty!

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tmpst24myst [2008-09-27 08:28:41 +0000 UTC]

I think it's because I think of you as a diptych writer, that I get various meanings from your writings. With this, I appreciate pregnancy being the operative choice, however I could also see this as cancer. Or something adverse to such a beautiful thing like a baby. Perhaps I read to much into things and forget the simplicity of certain things as they are.

Dae.

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batousaijin In reply to tmpst24myst [2008-09-27 17:47:06 +0000 UTC]

thanks. i'm glad you see me that way, but please try to remember that i'm married, so don't get any ideas about actually SEEING my diptych... wait a sec... ... oh, scratch that.

thanks for commenting. i'm glad there are multiple readings possible. with eastern poetry, ambiguity is always preferable to witty observation.

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WineWriter [2008-09-25 21:20:39 +0000 UTC]

The last line really supports the rest of the poem. It says so much in very few lines. Lovely.

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batousaijin In reply to WineWriter [2008-09-25 21:24:10 +0000 UTC]

^_^

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blue-lace-project [2008-09-25 20:05:39 +0000 UTC]

I love how simple this is, very nice and pleasantly short piece.

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batousaijin In reply to blue-lace-project [2008-09-25 21:16:34 +0000 UTC]

aw, thanks! that's kinda the goal with haiku, senryu, and other eastern forms.

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