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Description
Well, here it is. This year's closing picture, of Hatsune Miku. I finally figured out what to do for Hatsune Miku's semiannual drawings, a conglomeration of things really. At attempt at trying my best at perspective and foreshortening, shading and anatomy, the latter two of which are also the focus of Okuu and Saria's pictures respectively. But on top of that, to also make them self-reflective and I guess sort of introspective, if that makes sense. To express how I have seen my life for the past six months in a visual format, for whom I believe Hatsune Miku to be the best subject, as to why; I'll get into later.

The past six months for me, or rather year or two, have been a sort of limbo. Sort of stuck in mud, spinning my wheels without going forward. Afraid to try anything new for fear of failure due to never developing enough self-confidence while I was growing up; I can't get myself to do the things I know I need to do, not because I don't want to do them, I want to do them because I know it will bring me forward in life; but because I fear that I will mess things up and somehow end up further from proceeding than I was before I started.

I end up getting myself into a guilt-trip because I can't get myself to do what I need to do, and then I play a video game, or watch anime or draw to cheer myself up, as a form of escapism; and then after I'm done I end up guilt-tripping myself again for having fun and enjoying myself when I should be doing important things, like some vicious circle.

The same fear of messing things up and lack of self-confidence that I mentioned before destroys any kind of chance for socializing I can get outside of family and family's friends, I've ended up pretty much cutting ties with all of my highschool friends through just not talking to them, and not knowing how to, since I'm absolutely terrible at starting conversations.

Even online I'm starting more and more to feel less like I'm liked, and more like I'm just tolerated. Like people are just pretending to like me because they can't get themselves to tell me otherwise. It makes me feel like a burden, somethings I don't ever like to be. I live my life trying to help others, and if I end up being a burden I just end up doing the opposite of what I want.

And of course I can't ever get myself to tell others about what's bothering me and shrug off most everything with a "Nothing's wrong" or "It's nothing, I'm just tired" because both I don't want to people to worry about me, and because I don't want to bother them with things they don't want to hear. The closer the person is to me the harder it is for me to tell them, because the more I see and hear from them, which means the more time I have to worry about them worrying about me. That's sort of another part of why I'm doing this, to try and force myself into being able to get things off of my chest.

Every day has just been a big giant emotional rollercoaster for me, going from depression from not doing anything with my life, wasting it away in my room infront of my computer, to escapism through entertainment, and back into depression because I was enjoying myself. Its something that I need to fix somehow but don't know how to, at times I feel like I don't know how to do anything, which feeds into that fear of always messing up. It's like i'm in some sort of a spiral staircase spinning downward but walking up fast enough to neither go foward, towards the top, and enjoying myself, and falling behind and being dragged down into more depression.

I also keep falling into thoughts about existentialist things, I guess they would be. Mainly what death is, what happens after it, and what it means to be alive, and I get scared of the thought of ceasing to exist and force myself to change the topic. I just can't think of what its like and so it scares me, and I lose sleep over it at times which tears my sleep pattern apart.

I'm quite honestly really nervous about spilling my heart out on this description, but if I can't get myself to do something like this I can't even fathom trying to fix my life in larger ways. I need to start somewhere and this is the best place I could find to start.

As for why I believe Hatsune Miku is the best topic to use for this kind of thing, it's mainly due to the fact that she is everything that I enjoy, she is everywhere, in Music, Art, Film, Text, and in video games- every form of entertainment. She is a tool for creativity. And where-as there are many other creative tools, only the VOCALOIDs and UTAUs have been given a face, something for humanity to connect to, and where-as there are dozens of VOCALOIDs and UTAUs, Hatsune Miku is indisputably their poster child, the face and voice of them, and that in a way makes her a personification of creativity itself. She is a tool, but she is a tool that has a face, a voice, and through her fans and fan-made material, a personality, with likes and dislikes, dreams and fears. The amount of creative force that is behind her is something that I cherish, I cherish it very deeply, that there are millions of people that use this persona as a means to express themselves, whether it be a thoughtful song or a simple doodle, or even attending a holographic concert, and as much as I push and encourage other people to be creative, to draw, write stories, write music, I feel Hatsune Miku was the best choice to use as the topic for my self-reflection works.

I'm sorry if this is a little long, and thanks if you actually read all of it. I know I probably droned on forever on a lot of things and this is probably longer than I thought it was going to be, but I just kinda had to do it. I needed to get things off my chest in a place where I could tell people but not be direct about it, so thanks to anyone that read this, and if you're honestly worried, don't be, I won't do anything stupid or drastic, I'm not that depressed over anything and probably never will be.

A couple of songquotes from songs that have featured Hatsune Miku that relate to the way I've been feeling

"I was told that I am just one of countless specks of dust on this planet, but that is something I cannot yet comprehend, and so I have no choice but to pretend I am a warrior who knows no fear."
-Uninstall [link]

"I'm not going to make it in this hopeless moment, Instead of coming up with a good solution, I'll just give up; Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What is it that's motivating you so much? To the unknown world, you take off bringing hope with you"
-Triple Baka [link]

Description
Well, here it is. This year's closing picture, of Hatsune Miku. I finally figured out what to do for Hatsune Miku's semiannual drawings, a conglomeration of things really. At attempt at trying my best at perspective and foreshortening, shading and anatomy, the latter two of which are also the focus of Okuu and Saria's pictures respectively. But on top of that, to also make them self-reflective and I guess sort of introspective, if that makes sense. To express how I have seen my life for the past six months in a visual format, for whom I believe Hatsune Miku to be the best subject, as to why; I'll get into later.

The past six months for me, or rather year or two, have been a sort of limbo. Sort of stuck in mud, spinning my wheels without going forward. Afraid to try anything new for fear of failure due to never developing enough self-confidence while I was growing up; I can't get myself to do the things I know I need to do, not because I don't want to do them, I want to do them because I know it will bring me forward in life; but because I fear that I will mess things up and somehow end up further from proceeding than I was before I started.

I end up getting myself into a guilt-trip because I can't get myself to do what I need to do, and then I play a video game, or watch anime or draw to cheer myself up, as a form of escapism; and then after I'm done I end up guilt-tripping myself again for having fun and enjoying myself when I should be doing important things, like some vicious circle.

The same fear of messing things up and lack of self-confidence that I mentioned before destroys any kind of chance for socializing I can get outside of family and family's friends, I've ended up pretty much cutting ties with all of my highschool friends through just not talking to them, and not knowing how to, since I'm absolutely terrible at starting conversations.

Even online I'm starting more and more to feel less like I'm liked, and more like I'm just tolerated. Like people are just pretending to like me because they can't get themselves to tell me otherwise. It makes me feel like a burden, somethings I don't ever like to be. I live my life trying to help others, and if I end up being a burden I just end up doing the opposite of what I want.

And of course I can't ever get myself to tell others about what's bothering me and shrug off most everything with a "Nothing's wrong" or "It's nothing, I'm just tired" because both I don't want to people to worry about me, and because I don't want to bother them with things they don't want to hear. The closer the person is to me the harder it is for me to tell them, because the more I see and hear from them, which means the more time I have to worry about them worrying about me. That's sort of another part of why I'm doing this, to try and force myself into being able to get things off of my chest.

Every day has just been a big giant emotional rollercoaster for me, going from depression from not doing anything with my life, wasting it away in my room infront of my computer, to escapism through entertainment, and back into depression because I was enjoying myself. Its something that I need to fix somehow but don't know how to, at times I feel like I don't know how to do anything, which feeds into that fear of always messing up. It's like i'm in some sort of a spiral staircase spinning downward but walking up fast enough to neither go foward, towards the top, and enjoying myself, and falling behind and being dragged down into more depression.

I also keep falling into thoughts about existentialist things, I guess they would be. Mainly what death is, what happens after it, and what it means to be alive, and I get scared of the thought of ceasing to exist and force myself to change the topic. I just can't think of what its like and so it scares me, and I lose sleep over it at times which tears my sleep pattern apart.

I'm quite honestly really nervous about spilling my heart out on this description, but if I can't get myself to do something like this I can't even fathom trying to fix my life in larger ways. I need to start somewhere and this is the best place I could find to start.

As for why I believe Hatsune Miku is the best topic to use for this kind of thing, it's mainly due to the fact that she is everything that I enjoy, she is everywhere, in Music, Art, Film, Text, and in video games- every form of entertainment. She is a tool for creativity. And where-as there are many other creative tools, only the VOCALOIDs and UTAUs have been given a face, something for humanity to connect to, and where-as there are dozens of VOCALOIDs and UTAUs, Hatsune Miku is indisputably their poster child, the face and voice of them, and that in a way makes her a personification of creativity itself. She is a tool, but she is a tool that has a face, a voice, and through her fans and fan-made material, a personality, with likes and dislikes, dreams and fears. The amount of creative force that is behind her is something that I cherish, I cherish it very deeply, that there are millions of people that use this persona as a means to express themselves, whether it be a thoughtful song or a simple doodle, or even attending a holographic concert, and as much as I push and encourage other people to be creative, to draw, write stories, write music, I feel Hatsune Miku was the best choice to use as the topic for my self-reflection works.

I'm sorry if this is a little long, and thanks if you actually read all of it. I know I probably droned on forever on a lot of things and this is probably longer than I thought it was going to be, but I just kinda had to do it. I needed to get things off my chest in a place where I could tell people but not be direct about it, so thanks to anyone that read this, and if you're honestly worried, don't be, I won't do anything stupid or drastic, I'm not that depressed over anything and probably never will be.

A couple of songquotes from songs that have featured Hatsune Miku that relate to the way I've been feeling

"I was told that I am just one of countless specks of dust on this planet, but that is something I cannot yet comprehend, and so I have no choice but to pretend I am a warrior who knows no fear."
-Uninstall [link]

"I'm not going to make it in this hopeless moment, Instead of coming up with a good solution, I'll just give up; Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What is it that's motivating you so much? To the unknown world, you take off bringing hope with you"
-Triple Baka [link]