HOME | DD

Description

Give me a reason not to slow down
I can feel the bottom and it's cold now
I'm on the outside looking in
So I'm calling on my future friends

On July 2nd, one of my followers, Daine, took his own life.
He was a 22 year old gay trans man struggling with mental illness, like many of us. He had the incredible support of his friends and community, who completely crowdfunded his funeral, had a beautiful service, and donated the remaining funding to LGBT resources and groups, which you can read a bit about here . I’ve never been to a funeral in my life, but I’m grateful I could have watched a recording of it, and been a part of it in some small way.
We only found out today because his blogs have been emptied out and replaced with headers in his memory, and caiterprince noticed he hadn’t been active like he usually was, sending us fun things through tumblr messenger. The last time he messaged me was June 24th.
Daine has been following me since he was in high school, inspired by my art. We weren’t close enough to be friends, but he treated me like one- kind, and warm. He confided in me in passing about his mental health and his identity long before he came out to his own circle of friends on facebook. He sent me small things I’d love. He told me little glimpses of his passions; his art and cartoons. He drew a beautiful picture of my baby kitty when he passed away, and mailed it to my house. A little gesture from him meant the entire world to me at the time.
I will frame it for you, Daine. It meant that much to me. Thank you, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry we weren’t close enough. I’m so sorry the pain you endured was too great. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more how happy your messages made me, that you thought of me so often. I got so used to your tumblr messages, like a cute note left on the counter from a friend.
I wish I could have told you how much your presence mattered to me.
Suicidal thoughts come like a storm and they ravage you- and, sometimes, they drown you. I believe with every fiber in me you fought every day for your right to exist, and I’m so proud of you for how far you came. I’m just sorry I couldn’t have somehow helped you make it a little further, a little longer, until the storm cleared this time.
To the new faces that found something in my work that touched them or made them feel safe... and to the old faces who have grown up with me and seen me struggle with my own depression, coming out with my partner, fighting to keep making art for people with struggles like us, and anyone in between-
I love you very much, and your existence matters to me.
I know it may seem small. I know you may feel invisible in the sea of faces and usernames. But I would not be here without your support and your kindness, and the small ways each of you form relationships with me, even if we’re miles and countries apart. I struggle with suicidal thoughts more as an adult than ever before- and I want you to know you are not failing because it’s gotten harder. Everyone tells you it gets easier when you get older- I wish it was.
But- I promise to each and every one of you who has depended on me or looked to me as a way to hang on one more day in spite of all the hate and pain you’ve endured, be it because of your identity or who you love- I will be strong for you. I will get up every day for you, so I can speak with you guys again. so I can one day share my stories and my art and touch hearts of people that struggled like me, so that maybe- just maybe-- someone might hang on one more day, and that day can lead to another.. and I can get to watch you grow up, too.
No matter how dark the world becomes, or how close I feel to the edge, I will hang on.
Please stay with me, too.
Please find something to tether to in that dark place, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. Please cling to it with all your might. Let a loved one hold you as the sobs shake your body. It’s okay if they can’t fix what’s broken. It’s okay if existing feels impossible and suffocating right now- it won’t always be that way. I promise- and I promise this to myself, too, as I navigate a dark place of my own this year. Please remember that I remember you, that there are people you would never expect that would fall apart to be there for you if you needed them.

Rest in peace, Daine; Yourknightofgrey, princeofsparrows. I will miss you so dearly. [x ]

Description

Give me a reason not to slow down
I can feel the bottom and it's cold now
I'm on the outside looking in
So I'm calling on my future friends

On July 2nd, one of my followers, Daine, took his own life.
He was a 22 year old gay trans man struggling with mental illness, like many of us. He had the incredible support of his friends and community, who completely crowdfunded his funeral, had a beautiful service, and donated the remaining funding to LGBT resources and groups, which you can read a bit about here . I’ve never been to a funeral in my life, but I’m grateful I could have watched a recording of it, and been a part of it in some small way.
We only found out today because his blogs have been emptied out and replaced with headers in his memory, and caiterprince noticed he hadn’t been active like he usually was, sending us fun things through tumblr messenger. The last time he messaged me was June 24th.
Daine has been following me since he was in high school, inspired by my art. We weren’t close enough to be friends, but he treated me like one- kind, and warm. He confided in me in passing about his mental health and his identity long before he came out to his own circle of friends on facebook. He sent me small things I’d love. He told me little glimpses of his passions; his art and cartoons. He drew a beautiful picture of my baby kitty when he passed away, and mailed it to my house. A little gesture from him meant the entire world to me at the time.
I will frame it for you, Daine. It meant that much to me. Thank you, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry we weren’t close enough. I’m so sorry the pain you endured was too great. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more how happy your messages made me, that you thought of me so often. I got so used to your tumblr messages, like a cute note left on the counter from a friend.
I wish I could have told you how much your presence mattered to me.
Suicidal thoughts come like a storm and they ravage you- and, sometimes, they drown you. I believe with every fiber in me you fought every day for your right to exist, and I’m so proud of you for how far you came. I’m just sorry I couldn’t have somehow helped you make it a little further, a little longer, until the storm cleared this time.
To the new faces that found something in my work that touched them or made them feel safe... and to the old faces who have grown up with me and seen me struggle with my own depression, coming out with my partner, fighting to keep making art for people with struggles like us, and anyone in between-
I love you very much, and your existence matters to me.
I know it may seem small. I know you may feel invisible in the sea of faces and usernames. But I would not be here without your support and your kindness, and the small ways each of you form relationships with me, even if we’re miles and countries apart. I struggle with suicidal thoughts more as an adult than ever before- and I want you to know you are not failing because it’s gotten harder. Everyone tells you it gets easier when you get older- I wish it was.
But- I promise to each and every one of you who has depended on me or looked to me as a way to hang on one more day in spite of all the hate and pain you’ve endured, be it because of your identity or who you love- I will be strong for you. I will get up every day for you, so I can speak with you guys again. so I can one day share my stories and my art and touch hearts of people that struggled like me, so that maybe- just maybe-- someone might hang on one more day, and that day can lead to another.. and I can get to watch you grow up, too.
No matter how dark the world becomes, or how close I feel to the edge, I will hang on.
Please stay with me, too.
Please find something to tether to in that dark place, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. Please cling to it with all your might. Let a loved one hold you as the sobs shake your body. It’s okay if they can’t fix what’s broken. It’s okay if existing feels impossible and suffocating right now- it won’t always be that way. I promise- and I promise this to myself, too, as I navigate a dark place of my own this year. Please remember that I remember you, that there are people you would never expect that would fall apart to be there for you if you needed them.

Rest in peace, Daine; Yourknightofgrey, princeofsparrows. I will miss you so dearly. [x ]