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Blueskye27 — cauterized
Published: 2009-01-19 00:26:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 891; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 12
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Description
cutting you frommy heart is like
laying my hands
among glowing
coals until my fingers
blacken and
curl
but I can do
this if it's the
only way
to let you
go
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Comments: 73
The flow is very nice. I love how it is structured to come to a point, increasing the finality and the importance of the word on. Moving on is difficult and you express your willingness to do unspeakable things just to be able to do so. Very nice.
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Thanks so much for taking the time to make such a thought out comment.
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I liked it, and it painted a very painful image within my head...keep up the great work! ^_^
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ouch!
love the title and the formatting. the breaks and spacing are perfect. especially the second and last stanzas. the second stanza feels like she's steeling herself. and the last stanzas are like she's talking through the pain.
maybe drop "if"? with it, i'm not sure if she's doing it or she's thinking about it. without it, i can feel and hear her hands on the coals this very moment. ouch.
not sure about "orange". it's all one color and reminds me of the fruit. burning embers looks different to me.
great poem. vivid and visceral.
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I keep going back and forth on the "if" - she can only do it IF it will get her past it.
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Thanks, Jason. I made the changes you suggested. See if you think it's better. I really appreciate the feedback.
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yes, glows fits and blends in nicely.
so she's not sure if this method will work. but is the poem about her uncertainty and does her indecision help the poem? i feel like the poem is about how much he's in her very fabric and body and how painful he is. so painful, that burning her hands until her fingers curl and blacken is the choice she's made to get rid of him for good.
i guess it's when you decide as the author to come into the scene and her life and her psychological path. sort of like, at what point do you begin the cancer story. did the hero find out, will find out, or has already started chemotherapy. just some thoughts.
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Yes, I see your point. At the same time, the "if" introduces the explanation for why she's doing it. I'm a bit tired just now though, so I'll look at it again when I'm less so.
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yes. sorry if i made too big of a deal about it. it's fantastic now and "if" does work.
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You didn't. I appreciate the help.
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no to belabor the point. but i had another thought. i've been "told" by "pros" that active, decisive leading characters are more exciting and interesting. but i usually give them a one worded reply, "Hamlet".
(but then again, the entire plays is all about that)
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