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BookBrain — Twilit Horizon Chp. 1
Published: 2008-10-28 01:02:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 324; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 10
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Description Chapter One- Extended Misery


Florida sucked, even though I had lived there my whole life, things were different know. Since the economy sucked worse in Florida anyway, my mother and I, (mainly my mother) had decided to move somewhere more affordable. Massachusetts was fixed in our gaze at the moment.

Of course I had friends in Florida, but I was willing to let them go, even though I would be put to my misery later on. Just the look on each individual face when I told them made me feel sorry, a look of shock and loneliness is what they gave off. I never had any real family in Florida, let alone the whole entire world. My parents got divorced when I was twelve, and now four years later ,I’m still taking it well. I never liked my father anyways, yet my mom’s a nag.

Before moving, I had the option of either moving to Massachusetts, or Oregon, where my father lived. Oregon sounded fun, but I wouldn’t be caught dead with my father in a million years. He disliked me, and I hated him. Yes, it’s very disrespectful to say that to your parent, but I don’t give a damn.

“Doon, this will be fun, trust me.” She would always say to me

“Mom, I’m happy, don’t worry.” I would say back, repeatedly, every day. Even though somewhere in my gut, there was a gentle pulsating telling me that it was all a lie and that I never really wanted to move, in fear of not being accepted in a new environment.

__________________________________________________________________________________


“I’m new…..I need a schedule?” I asked a dazed, yet crabby looking receptionist.

The receptionist stared at me for at least two minutes, which scared the shit out of me, but I stood my ground. She then responded quite abruptly, “What’s your name?”

Her aged and wrinkly face, showing occasional liver spots, looked repulsive. This lady obviously didn’t have that good of a life,

“Doon Chambers,”  I responded daintily

The receptionist, with her long green painted finger nails, sorted trough at least fifty files within thirty seconds, and finally found one with my name on it. She then thrust the folder into my then relaxed hands, gave me a school map, and rushed me out the door.

“Rude much!” I yelled while on the way out,

No response.

I could tell today was going to suck even more than I thought it already did.

It seemed I was in the center of the hallway on the first floor, of five, in the school. I could tell the school was fairly new by the fresh paint smells emanating from the walls, and the somewhat clean, waxed, turquoise tiled floors. As I peered to my left, the hallway extended on for eternity, as did my right.

American History started without me, of course. As I walked in, I could feel the envious eyes piercing through my back by the other students.

The teachers name was Mr. Harrell. While he looked mean, he was really actually nice.

“Hey son where you from?” He said, obviously he was from the south.

“Ah…I’m new?” I replied, unsure if he meant from Florida, or what I was there for.

It seemed he was studying my face, it was kind of creepy, and I quickly said another answer out of my dim wit stupidity.

“Florida.”

The kids behind me started talking, jittering, and laughing amongst themselves, I thought it was kind of immature, seeing as we were all juniors. It was more like a whispering than a talking though, which made me feel somewhat like an alien compared to the other kids.

Mr. Harrell chose an empty desk in the middle of the classroom for me, since it was the only one left. It was centered around a decent pair of students.

Yet as soon as I sat down, he started going on about the basics of American history, in which I had partly known already. So in response to that, I slowly put my head down onto the desk and slept all period.

The rest of the day went by very slowly, so slowly that when the bell rang, I was reluctant to actually run in joy out of the school, get in my car, and race as hard as I could home, if only the Boston rush hour hadn’t rendered me.

Oddly, when I got home the door was unlocked. I peered in to see if anyone had broken in, that’s when I saw the note on the couch stating:

Doon, I went to the locksmith to fix these darn rusty doorknobs, plus I went to the grocery store.

From mom.

It figures, she was gone again. I then proceeded in throwing away the note, and racing up the stairs, yet midway on the stairs, the floor caved in beneath me and I fell all the way to the pantry below in there basement. Oh what fun fixing this house was going to be.
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Comments: 21

christinamarieweir [2008-12-29 23:25:48 +0000 UTC]

1. The very first sentence, "Florida sucked, even though I had lived there my whole life, things were different know. " "know" should be "now"

2. The first sentence in the second paragraph, "Of course I had friends in Florida, but I was willing to let them go, even though I would be put to my misery later on." You should never end a sentence in a preposition, in which case, it should not say "later on." So try to change that up a bit!

3. Ok, the sentence after that, too, ends in a preposition. "off"

4. "I never had any real family in Florida, let alone the whole entire world. My parents got divorced when I was twelve, and now four years later ,I’m still taking it well. I never liked my father anyways, yet my mom’s a nag." You should take "whole" out of the sentence...and take "got" out of the next sentence. The word "anyways" is not a word, it should be "anyway." "Yet" should be "but."

5. "Before moving, I had the option of either moving to Massachusetts, or Oregon, where my father lived. " It should say "...the option of moving either to Massachusetts...."

6. "'Doon, this will be fun, trust me.' She would always say to me" There needs to be a comma after "me" in the quote and a period at the end of the sentence. "She" needs to be lowercased.

7. “Mom, I’m happy, don’t worry.” I would say back, repeatedly, every day. needs to have a comma after "worry" too.

8. "Even though somewhere in my gut, there was a gentle pulsating telling me that it was all a lie and that I never really wanted to move, in fear of not being accepted in a new environment." The word "pulsating" is a verb but it needs to be a noun.

9. "Her aged and wrinkly face, showing occasional liver spots, looked repulsive. This lady obviously didn’t have that good of a life," end it with a period.

10. "'Doon Chambers,' I responded daintily" end it with a period.

Ok, that's all I have for now but this is basically what I've been trying to write. I've been through a lot with this whole economy thing...a lot more than you might think. I started writing a story too but never got back to it, though I should. I'm sorry about all the marks. I'm the editor of my high school newspaper and I'm just really used to nit-picking. I really like the way this is going though!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-29 23:33:39 +0000 UTC]

Ummmmm......this book is a fiction, and being a fiction the characters and storyline are all thought up in my head.
THe remark used that the economy is affecting you as well makes no reference to the books.

Sorry, tried to clear that a bit

Thank you for the tips!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-29 23:35:04 +0000 UTC]

Ok...sorry, just thought it sounded remarkably the same as what I'm going through...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-29 23:37:57 +0000 UTC]

It's fine, were all affected by the economy, some worse than others.

Where are you from

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-29 23:38:57 +0000 UTC]

GA
How I wish I could move to Fl. though...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-29 23:41:18 +0000 UTC]

Why, besides college.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-29 23:42:52 +0000 UTC]

I love the beauty, the fun, excitement...I know that most of the time it's only because it's a vacationing spot, but really I'd just love to travel...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-30 20:27:41 +0000 UTC]

ME TOO!!! 2 summers ago I went to all of the new england states, it was aesome, we drove, I went to CANADA, the first other country I ever been to, and yeah!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-30 22:13:47 +0000 UTC]

Yeah I've never been to another country...the farthest north I've been is to New York...last March. I went to visit and take classes and Columbia college for editing...it was really cool. I flew there so I've never been any north of tennessee other than that and any west of mississippi. I really want to go to England and Spain!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-30 22:36:24 +0000 UTC]

I want to go to all of Europe, Japan, China, and the Koreas.

Thats cool you like to travel too.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-30 23:51:07 +0000 UTC]

yeah Europe maybe, but not so much the others...Not a big fan of the Orient

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-31 01:42:01 +0000 UTC]

OKies

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

RaInsTar447 [2008-11-30 23:00:03 +0000 UTC]

LOL FUNNY TEARS IN MY EYES LOL!!!!!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to RaInsTar447 [2008-11-30 23:16:22 +0000 UTC]

...??? lol...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

RaInsTar447 In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-03 22:45:42 +0000 UTC]

sorry i'm overdramatic....

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to RaInsTar447 [2008-12-03 22:51:01 +0000 UTC]

Is okay, HEY wanna dev watch eachother?

You sound hyperactive, just like ME!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

RaInsTar447 In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-03 22:58:11 +0000 UTC]

YES! I am VERY HYPER ACTIVE! WHERES THE SUGAR!? I MEAN DEVIANTWATCH CLICKY THINGY GWAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to RaInsTar447 [2008-12-03 23:10:29 +0000 UTC]

Do you know where it is?
Go to my profile, and in the right corner it will say deviant watch. CLICK IT!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

RaInsTar447 In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-03 23:18:28 +0000 UTC]

KK!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

cxsankh [2008-10-28 01:26:21 +0000 UTC]

Good job! There are just little nit-picky things that I found that you could fix in editing.

Always remember that in dialogue there should be some sort of punctuation at the end of the statement. For example :

“Doon this will be fun, trust me"

would become

"Doon, this will be fun, trust me." or "Doon, this will be fun, trust me,"

Toward the ending, the statement "Weirdly, when I got home the door was unlocked." would sound better if you changed weirdly to oddly.

You have a few typos, but other than that, good.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BookBrain In reply to cxsankh [2008-10-28 01:28:46 +0000 UTC]

Wow, thanks for the pointers, I never saw those before.

Thanks again!

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