Comments: 21
christinamarieweir [2008-12-29 23:25:48 +0000 UTC]
1. The very first sentence, "Florida sucked, even though I had lived there my whole life, things were different know. " "know" should be "now"
2. The first sentence in the second paragraph, "Of course I had friends in Florida, but I was willing to let them go, even though I would be put to my misery later on." You should never end a sentence in a preposition, in which case, it should not say "later on." So try to change that up a bit!
3. Ok, the sentence after that, too, ends in a preposition. "off"
4. "I never had any real family in Florida, let alone the whole entire world. My parents got divorced when I was twelve, and now four years later ,I’m still taking it well. I never liked my father anyways, yet my mom’s a nag." You should take "whole" out of the sentence...and take "got" out of the next sentence. The word "anyways" is not a word, it should be "anyway." "Yet" should be "but."
5. "Before moving, I had the option of either moving to Massachusetts, or Oregon, where my father lived. " It should say "...the option of moving either to Massachusetts...."
6. "'Doon, this will be fun, trust me.' She would always say to me" There needs to be a comma after "me" in the quote and a period at the end of the sentence. "She" needs to be lowercased.
7. “Mom, I’m happy, don’t worry.” I would say back, repeatedly, every day. needs to have a comma after "worry" too.
8. "Even though somewhere in my gut, there was a gentle pulsating telling me that it was all a lie and that I never really wanted to move, in fear of not being accepted in a new environment." The word "pulsating" is a verb but it needs to be a noun.
9. "Her aged and wrinkly face, showing occasional liver spots, looked repulsive. This lady obviously didn’t have that good of a life," end it with a period.
10. "'Doon Chambers,' I responded daintily" end it with a period.
Ok, that's all I have for now but this is basically what I've been trying to write. I've been through a lot with this whole economy thing...a lot more than you might think. I started writing a story too but never got back to it, though I should. I'm sorry about all the marks. I'm the editor of my high school newspaper and I'm just really used to nit-picking. I really like the way this is going though!
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christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-29 23:35:04 +0000 UTC]
Ok...sorry, just thought it sounded remarkably the same as what I'm going through...
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christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-29 23:42:52 +0000 UTC]
I love the beauty, the fun, excitement...I know that most of the time it's only because it's a vacationing spot, but really I'd just love to travel...
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BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-30 20:27:41 +0000 UTC]
ME TOO!!! 2 summers ago I went to all of the new england states, it was aesome, we drove, I went to CANADA, the first other country I ever been to, and yeah!
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christinamarieweir In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-30 22:13:47 +0000 UTC]
Yeah I've never been to another country...the farthest north I've been is to New York...last March. I went to visit and take classes and Columbia college for editing...it was really cool. I flew there so I've never been any north of tennessee other than that and any west of mississippi. I really want to go to England and Spain!
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BookBrain In reply to christinamarieweir [2008-12-30 22:36:24 +0000 UTC]
I want to go to all of Europe, Japan, China, and the Koreas.
Thats cool you like to travel too.
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RaInsTar447 [2008-11-30 23:00:03 +0000 UTC]
LOL FUNNY TEARS IN MY EYES LOL!!!!!!!!
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RaInsTar447 In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-03 22:45:42 +0000 UTC]
sorry i'm overdramatic....
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BookBrain In reply to RaInsTar447 [2008-12-03 22:51:01 +0000 UTC]
Is okay, HEY wanna dev watch eachother?
You sound hyperactive, just like ME!
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RaInsTar447 In reply to BookBrain [2008-12-03 22:58:11 +0000 UTC]
YES! I am VERY HYPER ACTIVE! WHERES THE SUGAR!? I MEAN DEVIANTWATCH CLICKY THINGY GWAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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BookBrain In reply to RaInsTar447 [2008-12-03 23:10:29 +0000 UTC]
Do you know where it is?
Go to my profile, and in the right corner it will say deviant watch. CLICK IT!
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cxsankh [2008-10-28 01:26:21 +0000 UTC]
Good job! There are just little nit-picky things that I found that you could fix in editing.
Always remember that in dialogue there should be some sort of punctuation at the end of the statement. For example :
“Doon this will be fun, trust me"
would become
"Doon, this will be fun, trust me." or "Doon, this will be fun, trust me,"
Toward the ending, the statement "Weirdly, when I got home the door was unlocked." would sound better if you changed weirdly to oddly.
You have a few typos, but other than that, good.
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