Comments: 5
ThinkerGirl96 [2012-01-11 05:16:25 +0000 UTC]
I must have read this about 25 times already, and I just LOVE it! I don't understand how earth I haven't added it to my favorites!
Awesome poem. It's amazing how one little, seemingly insignificant detail can inspire something like this.
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Wookiee7 [2012-01-09 00:22:53 +0000 UTC]
You get big points out of the gate for a fairly original idea. It flows well and rhymes nicely. Nothing too predictable. But the tone of the second stanza doesn't quite seem to mix with the first. It seems to go from the character's thoughts to a plea, which don't really mesh. Other than that it works really well.
And I didn't make this a "Critique" because I consider those to be gimmicky. I don't really understand why they even need a critique section if you can just type up your opinion in the comments section instead.
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borishu In reply to Wookiee7 [2012-01-09 00:56:58 +0000 UTC]
I'd have to agree with you on the second stanza. I really like it though, which is why I was torn about putting it in. Do you think maybe another stanza in between would help, to act as a better transition?
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Wookiee7 In reply to borishu [2012-01-09 01:57:25 +0000 UTC]
Perhaps. I imagine it would half to be a short stanza. Perhaps the character's thoughts could linger over to the narrator before speaking directly to him.
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