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browneyedgirl07 — Alice... Or Was It Amber?
Published: 2008-12-16 03:45:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 109; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 1
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Alice-Thanks for agreeing to walk Rocky this week! I am sure he appreciates it just as much as I do. I left you forty dollars for this week. I hope that is a good amount for you.
Thanks again - Mary
Mary -
Thank you! Rocky is a complete joy. He's very friendly. He did his business very quickly and enjoyed the rest of the walk with no more interruptions. Out of curiosity, how long should his walks be?
-Alice
Alice-
It doesn't matter much how long his walks are; they can be however long you have time for! Just make sure he does his business. He loves to walk, but, as you may have noticed, his age is catching up to him. He always assumes he has more energy than he ends up having, so don't walk over a mile.
-M.
M-
Thanks. Will do.
-Alice
Alice-
I hope your walks are going well. Here is another forty dollars.
-M.
M-
They are going very well, thank you. Rocky is still a fantastic companion on these walks. How has your week been?
-Alice
Alice-
My week has been very nice, but sadly uneventful. Thanks for asking. The only unusual happening this week was the return of an elderly man with eyeglasses thicker than my thumb. He checked out several books in the Adventure Fiction section. He has quite an appetite for reading, and he would not shut up about it.
How has your week been?
-M.
M-
He sounds like an interesting character! I've been okay. Not very fantastic. Everything has been rather monotonous lately, you know? I’m a little bummed out that we don't have another break for a while. I have to admit, your week was a little more exciting than mine. But the walks have been nice.
-Alice
Alice-
I'm sorry to hear that your week wasn't very nice, but I'm glad the walks have made it bearable. Here's another forty dollars for this week. I hope you have a better week!
-M.
M-
I do hope so as well. Thanks again.
-Alice
Alice-
Today, I had a very funny woman walk into the library. She was holding a cat! None of the librarians wanted to interrupt her, because she looked to be very involved in her selection on the bookshelf. Technically, we shouldn't allow cats in the library due to potential allergies, but no one had the heart to tell the little old lady.
How has your week been?
-M.
M-
She sounds strange! Once again, it's been okay. Something's been wrong this week, and I can't tell what it is. I've just had an off-feeling, that's all.
-Alice
Alice-
I'm sorry about that. Please keep me posted on your week; I hope it picks up soon!
The little old cat lady came in today, again, with her cat. I almost feel bad for her, the way she subjects herself to such strong stereotypes. Old, crazy cat ladies are just asking for it, I guess.
-M.
M-
Once again, it's been okay.
Something's is still off, and I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue. Rocky is still being a very nice dog, though, and I think the walks are what gives a little color to my days now.
-Alice
Alice-
She came back today. I wonder if she's okay. Today, her eyes were puffy. I wonder if she has an allergy to her cat. Very possible. It didn't look like the nicest thing, either. Maybe it scratched her.
-M.
M-
Today, while I was walking Rocky, I realized something. Life is dull. I mean figuratively and literally. And sometimes it's hard to walk dogs.
-Alice
Alice-
Again, today. She stayed in the library for almost two hours, hiding in between the Biographies and the Autobiographies. When she came out, she was covering her eyes with her broad, sun-hat, despite the overcast weather.
Here's another weekly payment.
-M.
M-
I don't know if I can walk Rocky much anymore. I'm not feeling well.
I have a few books you might want to look at. Maybe before I leave, you could. You seem interested in unusual characters. I find Holmes very unusual.
-Alice
Alice-
Thank you, dear, but I have plenty of books.
She keeps coming back. Every day. I wonder why.
-M.
M-
Goodbye. And I left you a book, anyway.
-Alice
Alice-
Thank you.
She didn't come today.
-M.
Comments: 29
Hmm, I couldn't figure out what the cat-lady stood for.... but don't tell me! It will come to me in a few years... The first time I read this I didn't pick up on all the hints you gave about Alice not seeing colors. Now when I look back they seem much more obvious! 
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I shouldn't tell you about the cat-lady? Okay...
Wow, thank you very, very much. And I'm so glad you picked up on the whole way "Alice" and "M" focused on Alice. But you focused on Mary? That's odd... I felt like if I had a whole conversation between "A" and "M," the reader could get confused or bored...? I'm not sure... Sorry about my overuse of ellipses...
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Yeah, well, I guess I focused on Mary because it seemed like more of the plot was centered around her, while Alice was just saying strange things while walking a dog. Do keep in mind that I read this quickly the first time (and mush more slowly the second) so I got a pretty quick glimpse. You'd think that by now I would know that I can't read your writing quickly; it's much too deep. I guess I just feel that keeping Alice's name a secret would add more interest to her character? Whatevs, you should get a second (and probably a third) opinion.
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No, that makes a lot of sense! Okay, I'll keep thinking about it!
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Wow. I really liked this. I won't go into too much detail because the first commenter said everything I have to say pretty much, only better, but I really enjoyed how you managed to subtly shift the mood from the beginning to the end. The ending was completely unexpected and I agree that this could easy be worked in to a longer piece.
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Thank you!
You both said it could be worked into an easier piece, but I was wondering how. I feel like a Post-It Note exchange (which is what this is, actually) about dog-walking is a little limiting. I don't want to break either of the characters by making them share any more about themselves with the other, because part of the point is that they don't really know the other.
Thanks for the comment!
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Wow , i might need to read this again or talk to you about it in person, but i think i liked it =]
P.S are you still awake? i noticed i got another deviation while i was reading this one. 
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I'm glad you think you like it.
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sorry i was so extreamly vague =\
But yeah like i said, sometime when you are avaliable to explain i would love to hear 
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Remind me sometime to explain it to you!
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At our house-gossip-sleepover-extravaganza of course!
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Of course! ...When is that happening?
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TUESDAY...right... after your dinner thing? i mean thats the only time before i leave to NYC.
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Then yes please.
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And I have some idea what the old lady in the library represents, but I'm sure it's wrong.
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Judging by your previous comment, you're probably not wrong. Even if you are, I'd love to hear your interpretation. Could you tell me what you think the old lady represents?
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Oh, man. Death or the passage of time. Her allergies threw me off. Was I sort of correct?
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Death is definitely pretty much it. I was planning for the lady to be a metaphor for Alice's illness. She comes more and more as Alice gets sicker and sicker. Then they both disappear at the same time. This hints that Alice's illness went away, so then the question is whether or not she died.
So yes, you were sort of correct.
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Awesome. I'm not as blind to literary depth as I thought I was.
Good metaphor. What was with the allergies? Was that coincidental, or simply another hint to what she represented?
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Haha, no you're not. And don't worry; I'm completely blind when it comes to literary depth!
Thanks. The allergies were both coincidental and on purpose, I guess. They were to show just how either ignorant or wishful Mary is. She either legitimately thinks the lady has allergies or she doesn't want to believe the lady was crying. Does that make sense?
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Whoa.
Dear Lord. The ending was completely unexpected. I love how this started out one way, and ended up completely different. At first the tone was casual and formal, but turned into something ominous and disturbing...creepy!
I wonder what this is connected to. I definitely think you should flesh this out; this might be better as a novel or a more extended piece because the mood change from the first half to the second is incredibly rapid. The fear element is there--was that intentional, for this story to be scary?--but I almost didn't have enough time to breathe because everything (Alice was getting sick and M was at the library and there was a cat lady and color was symbolizing something...) was happening at once.
I had a slight issue with these lines:
M-
Today, while I was walking Rocky, I realized something. Everything was in black and white, and different shades of grey.
-Alice
I get what she's trying to say. Too well. That's the problem. The strength of this story is subtlety. Something sinister, something bigger is being conveyed by the seemingly simple connection of a young girl and an elderly lady. The old lady is a minor character, but she's so significant because her appearance coincides with Alice's sickness. The black and white and different shades of gray thing is a cliche way to describe Alice's situation--I mean, it's rooted in an expression that everyone's familiar with, right? The foreboding aura is gone; change is now the elephant in the room more so than a pivotal element of the story.
So alter that portion, consider fleshing this out, and you've got yourself some worthy literature here.
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Thanks! The ending just sort of worked itself itself out. The original plan for this piece was that it would be something a suicide note, but it didn't really turn out that way. I wanted Alice to start to realize that life was boring and she couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't come out and tell Mary this, of course, but she would drop hints here and there before finally disappearing, and whether or not she died would be up to the reader. I don't know how well, if at all, I accomplished that.
Yes, the mood change is way too fast. I will work on that. My only excuse is that I was writing it at 11:00 last night, which is officially what I call my Zero-Productivity Time.
I had not intended for there to be fear, but I welcome it into the story nonetheless. The original intention was an air of confusion, and the idea that you're really not sure what's going on because neither of the note-writers really understands the other. I definitely encourage the fear, though. As long as my readers feel emotion, I usually don't mind what emotion it is. Fear and confusion usually come together, so I guess that's sort of an accomplishment for me.
I completely understand your issue with those lines. They came from my earlier piece, Shades of Grey (34), which featured Alice (though you don't know her name yet) going through a complete day before realizing, as she went to bed, that she was only seeing in shades of grey. The reason I use that term is because the prompt is Shades of Grey. That definitely does break the flow, though. It plunges the reader into a completely different feel (and a rather cliché one at that), and I don't think the reader would be ready for it.
Thank you very, very much for the critique!!
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You're welcome. You asked for advanced critique, and I was honored to give it to you. It's a very well-written story.
A suicide note? Whoa. I completely missed that; I really did think she fell ill and died. Hmm. You might want to make the cause of her death more clear. Maybe her saying she doesn't feel well is a bad idea, especially because the actual dialogue of the characters allows the least room for subtlety. It's like, the reader is supposed to trust the accounts of what M and Alice say, but have his own interpretation of it. If Alice says she's feeling ill, that can't be interpreted in many different ways by an audience; it gives the impression her suffering is more mental than physical.
Maybe have Alice describe her sickness? Her experience--which she can't put her finger on--will allow multidimensional meaning to her illness, and ultimately a more vivid picture of what Alice is going through. Just a thought.
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I've been wanting to do a subtle suicide note for a while, now, and this is how it turned out. I guess I didn't really get what I was shooting for, but I still like the way it turned out. The illness was originally supposed to be depression, and then she killed herself at the end.
So maybe I'll try to say she's not feeling well in more subtle ways...? I had some friends read it, and they said it took a second to really understand it. That's what I want. But I don't want to risk making it incomprehensible completely, just a little subtler.
Yeah, I'll try to have her describe her illness without saying she doesn't feel well, but that might be a little hard.
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So maybe I'll try to say she's not feeling well in more subtle ways...?
Not necessarily. Try specifying what type of illness it is. There's a huge difference between not feeling well, and the illness resulting in death, and suicide. One fate seems a little more voluntary than the other; so the reactions from the reader are greatly varied. Suicide evokes a much different and somber meaning than succumbing to an illness. Maybe hint more that her death was by her own hand, not simply from an illness (which one? Depression? Polio? Claustrophobia?) that she couldn't control.
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Okay, that's a good idea. Then the question is, do I still want it to be a mental illness? You said you enjoyed it, right? But you thought it was a physical illness. Maybe I should keep it that way. Maybe she has both. Maybe she has an illness that will kill her, so she wants to kill herself first. Multiple Scelrosis comes to mind. A little less cliche than cancer.
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Sounds like you've got some great ideas forming. I think whatever revisions you'll make will add to the quality of the story. Definitely. ^^
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