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burningmonk — Dormant Creatures by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-07-14 18:29:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 791; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 9
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Description We sleep in the sing song
windy window rattle of
Tuesday afternoons,
late for class and life
amid used books scattered
half-read and dogeared,
cold pizza and debt.
        —as the suns sets in Damascus,
some woman bleeds in Persia,
the colossus sinks into the sea,
we write dissertations
on bud brewed chai:
honey sweetened
jasmine spiced
earthly melange
        —we ponder the beginning,
in Africa-ca-ca-ca....
the first dustings of
monkey perception
rising from the valley.
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Comments: 3

obbycomma [2009-07-15 23:39:37 +0000 UTC]

I'm really glad to read something new from you. I think it's technically good, and it's got a lot of nice imagery. It's well composed, but I don't really feel a connection between the students and the Persian woman. And in the last stanza, are you wanting the word Africa to echo out? If so, you might try to do it so it comes out a little softer. If you read it aloud, it kind of sounds like a bird of paradise making a really loud warble. Overall, very good. I like the alliteration and the little details that make everything come together. I guess my real suggestion is to make sure the thoughts and themes are cohesive. Sorry for the long critique. I guess I just feel like pontificating today.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

burningmonk In reply to obbycomma [2009-07-16 04:39:20 +0000 UTC]

Long critique = great critique. It is kind of incohesive, huh? Honestly, I don't know what I was going for.

These three lines:
—as the suns sets in Damascus,
a women bleeds in Persia,
the colossus sinks into the sea,

...were originally:
—as the world crumbles,
a fire bruns in Babylon,
a woman bleeds in Persia,

Maybe that sheds more light on the contrast I was going for. But then I thought it was too obvious and I toned it down to make it more mysterious.

Anyway,thanks so much for reading it! I really really appreciate it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

obbycomma In reply to burningmonk [2009-07-16 14:03:15 +0000 UTC]

I think you're right. The original lines shed more light on the matter, but then again maybe too much. There's probably a happy medium in there somewhere.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0