Comments: 206
EquestrianTillTheEnd [2013-05-23 21:18:54 +0000 UTC]
This is amazing, I read Time Cannot erase, and you are an amazing writer, i was seriously so into it! XD
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Whiterose01 [2012-08-08 02:42:46 +0000 UTC]
I only read this part so far and............. i am totally loving it!
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eponalover101 [2011-01-24 23:59:00 +0000 UTC]
wow! this is really good! your such a good author!!
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therawrmaster [2011-01-03 05:35:30 +0000 UTC]
u are truly a awesome writer
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therawrmaster [2011-01-03 05:34:34 +0000 UTC]
wait so this chapter takes place before time cannot erase or after cause they save marths sis and wow im really confused
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ocarinaofart [2010-12-28 23:08:05 +0000 UTC]
wow it was great epic awesome
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marthypie [2010-08-11 19:50:27 +0000 UTC]
huh iam confused , didnt this happen before time cannot erase?
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TheLightGuardian [2010-01-09 01:58:10 +0000 UTC]
I wanna smack link...oh wait! (remembers stress reliever)
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artist-00 [2009-11-04 03:45:13 +0000 UTC]
Roys being haunted
link left without a good bye
Elices heart is broken and marth is pissed
and i love how you start in the middle of a battle but it doesnt suit a story so well like that but its a sequel so it doesnt matter
and its in the past
FLASHBACK
haha and i love the state ment
"Why is it that every time I turn around there’s a castle falling down around me"...
i love it
it suits link so well and thats true for him he always has a castle falling behind him
in oot and Tp i havent played the other games yet but ive heard of Majora's mask
i hear is an awsome game
oh well im rambling again
well its great to be reading again this is so addicting and its 9:42 pm for me tat is and my mom isnt back yet so im good on reading plus i might just stay up late reading this and these chapters are really long damn DX
but its good on the cliffhangers
your just like me when i write i always continue until i find the perfect cliffhanger
well see yah on the next chapter ^^
*o*
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GardusKnight [2009-09-28 23:53:36 +0000 UTC]
Your friend, WishIwould, told me about you. I must say, your fanfic is very interesting. I'm looking forward to read more chapters later on if I have the time.
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Nautical-Nebula [2009-09-07 13:30:01 +0000 UTC]
i have waited forever for some thing like this thank you for writein this
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Ripplespirit [2009-05-30 18:47:59 +0000 UTC]
Is this like...going back in time? I'm quite confused...maybe the next chapter will explain it?
I kept my promise! I will keep this up until there's nothing left! ^^
~Leafy
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swan-swan [2009-04-18 21:14:38 +0000 UTC]
"Medeus bellowed once more, losing his bearings he swerved and crashed into the tower with the power of a small earthquake. He recovered quickly, however, and landed on the edge of the once existing roof, snapping his frothing jaws at Link."
"with the power of a small earthquake"...what is this tell-y nonsense? Get that earthquake into the paragraph, woman! Or else pick up a better analogy...sending chunks of rock flying or "like a battering ram" or even just simplify things altogether. Watch your tenses, too!
His gargantuan body spun around, his spined tail whipping across the room, taking out pillars and reducing them to piles of dust in an instant.
That's more like it, but "taking out" is too much of a casual term. It doesn't apply to pillars. "snapping pillars" would work better.
...fight scenes are incredibly difficult to write, I'm sure you're very familiar with that. I often say (and often hear it said) that there's a reason why Shakespeare always puts down, "They fight."
Marth raised his sword and lunged at the dragon, but Medeus’ neck swung around, catching Marth and throwing him across the room. Marth rolled over the debris strewn ground, clutching his stomach. Medeus turned on him, swaying slightly in his weakened and disoriented state. His eyes locked onto Marth’s fallen body, however, and instantly he was of a single mind. He lunged once more, but Marth swiped desperately with his sword, catching Medeus’ snout. Medeus jerked back with a shriek, and Marth got to his feet but instantly Medeus’ eye caught something else. Elice’s prostrate form was slightly protruding from behind the pillar. With a malignant narrowing of his evil eyes Medeus charged for her.
Too much happening here; break it up, break it up. The first half is okay, but when you end up saying "Marth, Medeus, Medeus, Marth, Medeus" in about two sentences, there's some awkward structure. Remember "dragon" and "human", not to mention "creature," "monster," "manakete", "warrior," "smaller fighter," "prince", and such. Word variety!
Also, get into the heads more. Remember the fight between Azula and Zuko and Katara? In the critical moment, we get Azula's frenzied lighting creation, cut to Zuko being ready, then focus on Azula's gaze, thereby seeing what she's thinking, helped along by the zoom-in on Katara, then we have Azula's smile to tell us what she's decided to do, then she does it, then we see slow-mo Zuko realize what's going on, then we see him move, intercept, catch, Katara horrified, Zuko down....
But it's those close-ups of the face where you need to get the thoughts in.
Also, and this is a big tip that you may have fixed somewhere along the fifty chapters I have yet to go, but I usually tend to start a new paragraph when the camera changes angles; it makes for short paragraphs, but sometimes that helps in a battle. Other times, it becomes unwieldy, but all fight scenes are. If you lock a moment of decision in the monster's head, or Marth's head, or someone's head...or even just blend some dialogue in there...it works better. More intensity, more at stake, less boring.
The sight of the dieing dragon shook him.
*takes sledgehammer to head*
SPELLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!! SPELL-CHECK, SPELL-CHECK, SPELL CHEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
There was no denying the sense of satisfaction Roy felt at the sight of the dying monster. Medeus had terrorized their kingdom for far too long. He had destroyed dozens of cities and killed thousands of innocent people. He cared nothing for the suffering of others. He had murdered without cause and reveled in his cruelty. He was a creature of pure evil: a dragon of darkness.
You're tell-iiiiiiiing! *waggles finger in reprimand*
“Traitor,” the barely audible word slipped from the mouth of the dragon.
I believe the word for that is "exposition," though "conflict trigger" also comes to mind. In short, this is where the gun goes "bang."
Link smiled bashfully, never able to handle praise well.
Oh, come on!!! XD
Actually, you really do have to play Majora's Mask, though I think you may have already seen Link's greatest moment of all time...his salute to Captain Keeta....
“You don’t understand,” Elice fired back, “because you’ve never been in love!”
Snap?
“You want to know what happened to me?” Elice was quivering, overcome with emotion. She had wanted to tell him. It was too horrible to talk about and too frightening to keep inside, and so she was trapped. Now, however, she could hold it in no longer. “He chained me up for three months in that bitter cold tower,” she sobbed, her eyes growing wide with terror. “One by one he killed the other prisoners. My only companion, an old priest, died after a month. After that I was left alone, in the dark, in the cold- all alone. He fed me just enough to keep me alive. Every day he would threaten that each day was my last- that I was only alive to lure you to him. He promised that once you came he would kill us both. You can’t imagine my fear! Every moment not knowing whether I would live or die, and sometimes wishing it would all just come to an end so that the pain would go away! I couldn’t bear to think that you were coming for me and that because of me we would both die. Every moment was agony. Every moment was filled with terror. Even now, I cannot escape it. I see his shadows in the darkness. He haunts me when I am awake and when I dream he is still there. I cannot sleep. I cannot rid myself of him,” she whispered, desperately pleading for help.
Is Marth the right one to hear this speech?
She and Link were together for about, what, two days? More importantly, about six sentences of dialogue. If you want to suggest a bond of love, you may need more connections. More emphasis on the two of them. Give Link something special.
...reading on shows more time together, but, again, what matters may be the six sentences of dialogue.
...
...
...
...
Goodness, this chapter is long!!!
...
Okay, not as long as I thought. Lots of comments, I suppose. LONG comments.
And here's another one. *jabs finger up at above paragraphs*
But who is Elice?
Not much to her character at the moment. I warn you, boy-obsessed-girl is not one of the tropes I latch onto immediately. Despite Mai's efforts. But she, of course, set that up at the end of the episode where she was perpetually bored, action-seeking, and sarcastic. And rich and snobby. And evil. Then they let her romance slip in. Make sure that it's a person falling in love, and not person made for love.
Now, it does work sometimes. But usually, the character has to play to that angle in a different way. In Soul Eater, for example, Marie's first scene is all about her feelings on men...and when her BFF (the Mai to Marie's Ty Lee) essentially says that all men are stupid, Marie gets annoyed at her friend's nonexistent sensistive side and punches her with enough force to bring blood from BOTH nostrils--and at the same time revealing that she is one of the Death Scythes, elite human weapons who have no equal in the world. And then she proceeds to launch the most epically hilarious speech on ideal partners in fictional history. But her character is revealed to be scatterbrained and soft...though determined and protective, as well.
The point being, I hope that I see an independent side to Elice in the future, or else you need to establish more in the beginning.
Still, good opening chapter. Will continue reading.
Also, mind your grammar. There were one or two instances where hyphens belonged between two words, several tense issues, and at least one spelling error. Re-read and grammar-check, ma'am!
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WishIWould In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 22:39:51 +0000 UTC]
Kay, reread. I think mostly you just had no idea what was going on, especially how you're talking about Elice - admitting, yes, Chrissy knows she needs to come back and rewrite this - but the assumptions you're making about Elice are incorrect because you haven't seen the 20 chapters of situations and development in TCE. Also AtA 1 is mostly a flashback/dream...not sure if you caught that.
But yes, no worries about character, no characters are "made for something," they're all developed and very complex - believe me, nothing you brought up here is actually validly a concern with the story itself. If you still want ot read and can't wait for the TCE Revamp, I definitely recommend reading TCE un-revamped instead of going on with AtA without the background...it's just too important.
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swan-swan In reply to WishIWould [2009-04-18 22:41:42 +0000 UTC]
Un-revamped...hmmmmmm....
See, I have this crazed desire to read the sequel, though....simply because I've enjoyed doing that in the past. It provides a unique angle.
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WishIWould In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 22:50:54 +0000 UTC]
I understand that, but I still recommend - that you've read is a "glance" that you'll understand differently later. Too much comes from TCE plot-and-characterwise, you CAN read AtA first, but I say TCE all the way.
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swan-swan In reply to WishIWould [2009-04-18 22:54:26 +0000 UTC]
I left it up to chance. Heads, TCE, tails, AtA. Came up heads. Harvey Dent logic wins.
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WishIWould In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 21:56:20 +0000 UTC]
Okay -
1.) If you're going to focus on grammar and things, save it for the more RECENT chapters. It's really ridiculously annoying to have someone rip apart something written two years ago that you KNOW needs fixing, as if you don't know any better now (she does).
2.) AFTER the TCE Revamp, we will be going through these again, but we know what needs to be done, you don't need to edit it yourself.
3.) If you waited to read TCE Revamp as it comes out, you wouldn't be confused by characters and their relationships, pointing out that as a criticism when you skipped the whole first story is a rather superfluous thing to do.
4.) I know a lot of people put things on dA in order to receive critique and advice, but Chrissy does not. Friendly corrections on up-to-date material is different, but yeah...she KNOWS how to write, she knows much more now than she did January of 2007, and she has an editor already and it's me.
I know you're trying to be a friend and helpful, but really, this is actually very unhelpful. Nothing you've pointed out is anything that Chrissy doesn't already see herself, or that I as her editor don't see. Other fan-fic authors on dA and ffnet would LOVE such a review as this, but for Chrissy? It's really just, so beyond anything she needs to hear - she's a better writer than that (now). To have a friend (long-awaited as a reader) point out a bunch of mistakes she no longer ever makes, as his only response to the chapter he finally read? It can't feel good, it's demeaning (like you think she doesn't know better, even though you just came from reading TCE 1, which obviously shows her writing quality is not what it was at the time of AtA 1).
She's a brilliant writer, but she didn't hit her stride until a few more chapters into AtA. If you could trust that and please refrain from these editing/suggestion kinds of comments, that would really help. If you keep reading AtA instead of waiting for TCE like suggested, you'll see that quality you're trying to "teach her" how to do will show up as you continue. We're very aware that these early chapters are not the same as every chapter from about ch. 13 on out.
So basically: if you could go from here on out not assuming that Chrissy needs help from you, that would help a lot. I know you didn't mean to, but especially with the way things left off last night - getting this comment from you today really sent her off the edge, sapped her already strained emotions so badly that she's just kind of shut down. She already was struggling today to work on TCE ch. 2 like she was going to, and receiving this comment just sent her off the edge. Good intentions? I'm sure they were, even with the (I'm also sure unintentional) condescending tone (that if you're aware of at all, I'm sure it's only semi-aware of). Yes, good intentions...still hurt, though. I'm not sure if you can see WHY this would be so upsetting, but, yeah, or understand HOW upsetting it was.
Thanks much, sorry for such a downer-sounding reply after so long of waiting for you to read it, but I hope you can pick up on what's going on with this. I don't even know if you can understand what a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge emotional impact this comment had on her, and I'm completely aware that you had no idea it would be like that when you wrote it, so I just don't know what to tell you except what I already have, and to try to be more mindful of when you sound condescending/demeaning (especially to someone who doesn't deserve it).
But I have no reservations in assuring you that all this advice is completely pointless because her writing is astronomically better than that, now. You saw a glimpse of that in TCE 1, even if you didn't quite tune into all the depth and subtexts and perfect emotional/situational set-up going on it. AKA, what you're looking for in her writing? You'll find it if you keep going. But please don't tell her how to "fix" her writing - it's not broken.
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swan-swan In reply to WishIWould [2009-04-18 22:36:35 +0000 UTC]
Wait, she's working on TCE 2???
When and where?
And I made my reply. ^_^
Thanks for this thing, though, it summed it up...and I think I covered most of it. So, look but don't touch?
Again, though...I know it sounds really cold and heartless, but that's how I roll in criticism...if she's fixed up the mistakes I've pointed out, there shouldn't be any conflict with that. Grin and say, "I took care of that" or "That problem vanishes later." That's all.
That's all.
I read, I criticize...and this is good stuff.
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WishIWould In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 23:02:24 +0000 UTC]
That's nice to say - assuming she's a person like you. But she's not. It sounds, especially with the convo yesterday - it sounds like "I look at you like a Stephenie Meyer and wish I could edit SM" then came over here and projected that onto her.
The thing you need to understand here is that Chrissy's not like you, and you can't expect her to feel the same way about things that you do. You'd react that way, okay. That's fine and nice, but she's not you. So yeah, all logic aside, not saying how she SHOULD have reacted - just recognize how she DID react, and recognize that intending to or not, you deeply hurt a friend. So badly that by her own description, both her stories shriveled up and went away in her head when she read your comment.
So yes, she WAS going to spend all day working on TCE 2 and getting it posted tonight, and now she's not - I know @_@ I knooooooooooow there's no way you can understand what's going on in her emotions, and probably know way you'll apologize since you consider it all justified and fair and not personal, never minding the effect it had on her. It's not the critiquing itself that's "cold and heartless" - it's that hearing how it made her feel, your reaction keeps being to explain why what you said was okay because "that's how you roll in criticism" ... see?
"Look but don't touch" - grammar and corrections? Yes. Your thoughts, your guesses, your theories, a question of you're confused, your emotional reactions to what's going on in the story? No way, that's exactly what we want to hear. And what we always thought you'd be so great at doing, considering your journal responses to shows and books you're always reading.
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swan-swan In reply to WishIWould [2009-04-18 23:06:13 +0000 UTC]
*headbanger*
*headbanger*
*headbanger*
Get her to write!!! Maybe her methods aren't the same as my methods, but I know my method of writing-procrastination has never helped me get something written! *angryflail*
*resumes headbanging*
Tell her if that's what she was like all that time ago, she's got nothing to worry about from me!!!
AAAH!!!
*gnaws on finger*
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WishIWould In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 23:11:25 +0000 UTC]
It's not writing-procrastination, that's a different thing - this is like...complete collapse of emotions? There's no way she won't try, though, but I think she honest to goodness needs...something and I'm not sure what. She couldn't even RP, which is ALWAYS our go-to when one of us is upset. Maybe just being able to write responses to you and tell you how it's making her feel is what she needs, other than that I'm clueless.
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swan-swan In reply to WishIWould [2009-04-18 23:13:39 +0000 UTC]
Tell her men are jerks and I'm a man!
Or don't!
I don't know how that would work out...
Men are jerks and I'm a man!
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CallistoHime In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 23:34:07 +0000 UTC]
<_< That made me giggle.
I keep thinking as I read through these conversations, you're dealing with this like a man, I'm dealing with this like a woman. How do we then solve this timeless problem?
Usually the guy gives in when the girl cries... I've been crying for 2 hours. That do anything?
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swan-swan In reply to CallistoHime [2009-04-18 23:43:46 +0000 UTC]
Besides make me want to crawl under my bed and assume the fetal position and not come out until I have to move out? Not much....
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CallistoHime In reply to swan-swan [2009-04-18 23:54:30 +0000 UTC]
Hooray! I have accomplished my woman's work... making a guy crawl under his bed in a fetal position. It's true, it's what we're always after.
I'm making jokes which means I'm not crying anymore ^^
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CourierBell [2009-02-12 19:18:44 +0000 UTC]
Awesome!! But, I can't finish right now...I'll finish tommarow! Or sooner! I'll read it over vacation!! I'll-!!
Guy: SHUT UP!! We get it!!!!
Me: Light arrow!
Guy: Can you ever be serious?!
Me: Hell no!
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Laurens-Comics [2008-09-27 02:49:33 +0000 UTC]
wow. that's the best thing I've read since harry potter! [link]
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Natalia95 [2008-08-27 20:27:47 +0000 UTC]
before i download this can anything bad happen to my computer if i download it??
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CallistoHime In reply to Natalia95 [2008-08-27 23:42:57 +0000 UTC]
No, it just lets the text appear =3
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