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Ceresta In reply to Kuume [2015-01-18 16:57:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much, Kuume!
Talking to people on the internet really helps making me feel better, at least a little. I don't really have anyone to talk to directly about these things. But I'm really grateful so many people around here try to help and listen to me, even though almost none of them knows me personally! I never thought my words and drawings would be able to reach so many people.
I'll gladly accept your offer, if I ever feel like writing with somebody you're one of the first I'll think of! (I really missed you! )

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Kuume In reply to Ceresta [2015-01-19 06:51:06 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for responding as you did. I have really missed you too! I think we had a thread of correspondence going on somewhere but so much has happened apparently that it's better to start over when you feel like it. I know experiences are not comparable, but I've had a hard time with my family too, with my mother very ill (cancers, artificial joints, a kind of early-onset alzheimer's and mental problems) in many ways and wanting to pour that onto me... it makes no sense, because I'm supposed to be the one leaning on them. So we fell apart, and that's been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. We used to be so close and a family should be one's safe harbor... I'm not telling this to complain, but just to tell that I can relate to sadness well. I think online friends as friends too, being a kind of a shy person myself out there. And I got the feeling that artists understand other artists in some ways others might not.

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Ceresta In reply to Kuume [2015-01-19 19:16:26 +0000 UTC]

I'm really sorry I didn't reply for so long! The last time we talked was a few days before my father died and everything got a little chaotic after that.

I'm so sorry, sounds like the last year wasn't a very good one for you either.
I always thought my family would be a support for me too but with my father's illness the whole family fell apart. So many accusations instead of helping each other, I have lost all trust in almost all of my relatives by now. But I felt totally responsible for my dying father as I do now for my mother. She doesn't have any relatives left besides her really old and sick parents. Somehow the roles got totally mixed up. Now I am the person my mother and my grandparents lean on (shouldn't it be the other way around?). While I don't really have anyone who is supportive of me (at least outside of the internet). Why does everyone expect me to care for all sick and dying people around me? I feel like this isn't what the life of a 22-year-old should be like...
What I actually wanted to say with this, I think it was a wise (but surely also a difficult) decision that you didn't take on the responsibility for your sick mother. You're still young, you should live your own life, don't make the same mistakes as me! Your father would be the next one who should take care of your mother. Is he still around?

I guess even an open-minded person like you can be shy. Talking to other artists seems to be easier than talking to non-artistic people for me too (of course there are exceptions!). Most of them just have some sort of sensitivity and understanding others often lack, I don't really know what it is... But maybe we are the weird ones?

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Kuume In reply to Ceresta [2015-01-22 18:44:51 +0000 UTC]

It's alright, really. It happens easily on the internet that message threads just end at some point and reading how you've been doing, it's no wonder I didn't hear from you.
A 22-year old surely should not be expected to take care of their parents or grandparents... I mean, even if you were near 30 like I am, your parents are supposed to be the ones to lean on until they're really old and frail - or that's what I think. And even then fortify you emotionally, tell wise stories... or that's how it should be in an ideal situation. Out of all of my grandparents, I only have the parents of my mother alive, and my mother hates them behind their back, then telling white lies at their face, just waiting for them to pass away. Meanwhile my grandparents are fighting against the inevitable, because they've always lived so superficially and never truly looked within, they have no spiritual depth... It's so sad... I remember at 23 or so when mom was having chemotherapy (it worked, the cancers aren't a problem anymore), she lost her hair and she looked so pathetic without her hair and with her sad attitude towards life... something changed, and I realised I can't be her psychotherapist. I knew my childhood had been over for several years and it wasn't coming back. My dad is still around luckily, and my parents are still together - they will take care of each other now, which is a blessing in all this really. I met my family at Christmas and at least no one started fighting, so I'm happy with that. And I have two great brothers who understand me better than my parents.

Sorry, I didn't mean to start telling of my own worries here - you're the one doing the grieving. I just wanted to tell a bit about where I come from... I've been ashamed of my broken family in the past as it's just something people often don't talk about. But I think they should. Families all over are having trouble, and no one should be left all alone with that experience.

How is your brother handling the situation? Do you still live at home or near home? Do you have any wishes for the future, no matter how distant? I know it must be too early for you (I read your comments under another picture about your entrance exam) but I started to breathe more freely when I moved to the capital, a two-hour train ride from my parents and my grandparents. It's lonely here though. These days whoever I'm dating or my friends are much closer to me than my family.

Yeah, I'm shy and I didn't make as many friends at the university as I should have... the mindset is too different. I'm a dreamer at heart and the academia makes me feel like an outsider in the end. Artists sure are sensitive... I'm glad to have gotten to know them here on deviantart.

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Ceresta In reply to Kuume [2015-01-22 22:52:29 +0000 UTC]

I also only have my grandparents of my mothers side left. But they're both very sick and I'm almost sure they'll both die this year. My mother just lost her husband, and now her parents will pass away too and all that in such a short time! I would feel so bad for leaving her alone in this situation, but I know it would be the best for me. I feel like I can't let my own pain out as long as I try to be strong for my mother who pours all her sadness and desperation over me.

No need to apologize! Maybe your experience can help me too.
I often feel like I can't talk to people around me about my father's death and how much it makes me suffer in many ways. Especially to people at my age, most can't relate to this kind of feeling at all since they didn't make any similar experiences before. The extremely painful feeling of loss is something I couldn't have imagined until I had to go through it myself. Of course many already have lost their grandparents at this point of their life, I also have, but that's a completely different feeling.
Young people often don't want to hear about such things because they simply can't relate to them. And I can't blame anyone for that, I was the same before it happened to myself. I guess I also still have to learn to listen to others pain more patiently even if I can't empathize with everything. It's sad we can't talk about the negative things in our life more openly. But those negative feelings can't get out of us if we keep them all to ourselves. I'm extremely thankful I met so many supportive people at deviantart who offered to listen to me anytime! Thanks to you too, Kuume!

I don't know how my brother is handling the situation. He's only my half-brother to be exact. We never lived together, he only came to visit my father on weekends now and then, but we never were really close. 
I still live at home, but I feel like I should get out of here as soon as possible! I'll apply to art school again, but I'm not sure if my nerves will play along this time, but I definitely want to give it another try! But I'm not very positive that I will make it...

I also started going to university last year (well, let's say I was 'forced to' because of stupid reasons...), but I only went there for about two weeks or so. And I felt exactly like you, like a total outsider. I don't have problems to get into contact with other people at all, but sooner or later they always tell me that I am 'weird' because they don't understand my way of thinking and living. Having lost my father only two weeks before starting uni didn't help either. I felt like the things that occupied my mind were so different from the thoughts of the other students that I almost felt like an alien. And this made me feel even more miserable and I stopped going there completely.

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Kuume In reply to Ceresta [2015-03-23 18:35:45 +0000 UTC]

How are you now? Anything new? It's been a long time since you sent me this message, sorry for being so slow again. These are tough issues with no clear answers. I'm one of those few people who appreciate talking openly about one's challenges in life, even its darker aspects, although I know it's both hard to share problems and listen to them over a long time period. But knowing about them shows something real about our values and what is important to us... It's natural to shy away from talking about our mortality, but the older you get the more you will have to face it, also through yourself. My health isn't as great as it was in my early 20s for example, I have chronic knee pain since almost a year now... it forces me to be humble... And hard things also make me understand how much we need security, good people and good things in our lives, because I can't take them for granted. You are such a kind person and will eventually find a way to turn all this into strength and understanding some day. One thing to really learn is to draw your own boundaries first though, so you will not be overwhelmed and can find your true center... Anyway, I'm thankful you wrote to me and hope you will do better.

When is the next chance to apply for art school? I really hope you will get in next time, you've got so much talent. Oh, and why do people think you're weird? Normalcy is overrated.

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Ceresta In reply to LostbunniesofWendy [2015-01-13 10:43:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much!
I know he wouldn't want to see me like this. But I really don't know how to think positive with all this bad memories replaying in my mind everyday. They just won't get out of my head!
And when I look at the rest at my family the only thing that I can see are even more sick and depressive people.

I hope drawing can help me to get rid of those emotions. Or at least make them more bearable.
Everyone who simply listens to me is a great help right now, thank you so much.

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LostbunniesofWendy In reply to Ceresta [2015-01-13 16:58:57 +0000 UTC]

Thats kind of part of the mourning you have inside. But keep doing things, things that make you happy, drawing, go for a walk, chat with your friends.
I had the same problems aftr my granma died. It was an horrible year for me, for a lot of things and I hadn't the best relationship with my parents after that. We were all stressed. But with time we all heal. I need help from my friends and my boyfriend, and yes, drawing is the perfect way of purge sentiments. 

I just want you to know that even when the memories still there, I know I'm strong enough to bear them, and that I can go through anything because those experiences show me I was stronger that I though. Thats way I say to you to keep it positive, and give time to time.

I'm glad I helped you n.n I'm here for anything you want.

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Ceresta In reply to LostbunniesofWendy [2015-01-13 18:16:18 +0000 UTC]

I'm sad to hear you also had to suffer like this after your grandma's death! You must have been really close.
Hm, there aren't many things that I enjoy lately. Drawing is more like a compulsion to me and I don't really have any close friends with whom I can talk about such things.
I hope it's going to get better with time, I'll try my best to think positively of the future...

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LostbunniesofWendy In reply to Ceresta [2015-01-15 02:38:54 +0000 UTC]

Its going to get better, no wonder about it!

I'm going to watch you, so you can found me easy if you need to chat, okey?

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Ceresta In reply to LostbunniesofWendy [2015-01-17 23:31:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, that's really nice!

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LostbunniesofWendy In reply to Ceresta [2015-01-22 05:07:06 +0000 UTC]

You are welcome!

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