FOOLY-COOLY [2008-09-01 23:31:20 +0000 UTC]

Also, perhaps extend the ending so that the guy doesn't give up and die or whatever. It would be much better if he came up again, tried again, and learned something. Or came up and realized his foolishness.

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FOOLY-COOLY [2008-09-01 23:28:17 +0000 UTC]

Wow. This is a very interesting piece. Flows nicely, even though there aren't rhymes or much of a discernible beat.

"You do it"

I like it, but it may be better with something like-

"And so you do, diving in to the wondrous waves"

Just a suggestion/example, but it works how it is now.


"Letting the painter’s music engulf your soul"

In this phrase, I don't so much like the use of the word 'ainter'. Just doesn't add anything for me. I think it would be better if it said something about the maiden of the sea (or the sea itself). Something about her character, what she's done, lifestyle, personality, business, or make an obscure out-of-text reference.
Painter's Music, although an effective description, only really works for talking about a painter or a visual scene. Try and come up with something better if you wish. Perhaps even rearrange it to 'music of the ___'


"“But you cannot stay among the sea.”

This does work, but perhaps something more interesting- even an entirely new scene inserted- would work better. Perhaps describe a storm dictated by higher powers or something. That line is way too uninformative to be left alone.


"“But what can I do?” You cry into the night"

Fancy that up a bit. Instead of a 'what', try using a 'where'. Where may I turn/stay/go. Avoid 'do'.


"“I’m sorry, my love,” she whispers"

I think 'I'm sorry, Love' would work better. Makes Love more symbolic.


"The words escaping the lips you so wanted to kiss"

Words escaping... try something water-themed. Pouring, frothing, bursting, bubbling, running, etc.

"But the music is gone and the pain in your chest"

The music is gone... way too simple. Again, try something nautical themed. Use adjectives and verbs characteristic of the sea. Personify the sea more. The sea and the music is love and a relationship.

"But the music is gone and the pain in your chest
You never knew was there before"

I have another idea... You make many references to music... so make it like the pain is a beat or music, too, but the music of love has diminished and a stronger, heavy, heart-beat-like melody takes over. One that may or may not have been behind the music all the time. Perhaps the main character did not hear it before because he focused too much on what he wanted to hear?


"Is threatening to break free"

'break'... try and replace it with a water-themed word, or perhaps something like boiling/vapor/steam/evaporation, to be used as a transition to talk of going back to the air.

"And with sudden force the pain bursts from your chest"

Definitely use a water reference there- one of the gas-phase ones.


Words you should consider using"

buoyancy- in the end. Becoming happy again after so much turmoil

Tow, tug, pull, current, drag, weigh- for being pulled down

boil/burst/bubble/froth/fizz/freeze/chill/cool/evaporate/steam/hiss- use those because I recommend you go through all of the phase changes, in order to complete your metaphor.


IN THE BEGINNING...

I don't like how the first person only makes sense in the ending, so in the beginning I recommend you establish more of a setting. Perhaps make the poem one of bitterness from the perspective of the 'I', because she found out she was cheating on him or something, but she still loves him.


Sorry if this is long...
Overall, I think this is a really cool written piece, but i'd avoid undescriptive, passive writing (using is/it/was/do/).

You could go a long way with this from what you have right now. The metaphor could be made really air tight.

I recommend you rewrite and extend, or add in newer parts without extending much. In poetry, especially in free verse, every line has to say a lot.

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