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cholie — DFC 2016: 3 - Amistad
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Published: 2016-12-15 22:39:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 795; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 1
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Description
ProjectDFCThe Lüshi is a Chinese regulated form. It has eight lines and specific word restrictions. There are two common types of lüshi which dictate how many characters/words are in each line: the wulü lüshi (five characters), and the qilü lüshi (seven characters). There is also a six character lüshi form which is rarely used. Characters in this context refer to number of words rather than syllables. All lüshi forms monorhyme on the even lines (abcbdbeb).
The first couplet sets up the piece, middle two develops it, and final couplet concludes. Middle two should have some mirrored elements/words in them. Caesuras (pauses) are used to separate different phrases.
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My attempt at the LüShi. I chose to write a Wulü LüShi. I thought it fitting to write an ode to friendship. How did I do? I feel like I'm floundering. I hope I'll be able to write more poetry for DFC even if I do not complete it this year. (Oh my word...so many technical issues when I tried to submit this yesterday. 
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Comments: 22
Hi! I’m here from with some constructive criticism.
First of all, though I’m not familiar with the form, I think you did an excellent job with it! The syllables have a nice rhythm which make them pleasant to the ears when read aloud.
The combination of English with Spanish was an interesting choice; though it’s only in one line, it doesn’t seem abrupt because the title is Spanish, foreshadowing the inclusion of the language later on. As someone who enjoys learning languages and has studied Spanish a little, I enjoyed seeing it in your writing, especially considering that the type of poetry is neither English nor Spanish, but Chinese. The combination of culture in that way is always a delight to see!
However, I wasn’t familiar with the meaning of “forma de ser”, which I now see (having looked it up) is a somewhat complex phrase with no direct English translation. If I were you, I would include a footnote to explain it to readers who aren’t familiar with Spanish.
Moving on to the layout of the poem, I like how you rhymed the end of each couplet by using a word containing “formed” until the end, where you switched to “warmed”. The shift there was subtle, since it still rhymes, but makes the poem seem complete instead of like it’s coming to an abrupt stop. Nice work! It did take me a little while to get used to every other line rhyming instead of every line, since each one seemed to have two distinct parts. However, once I adjusted to it, I realized that the poem does flow extremely well.
I also like that you focused on the subject of friendship. Most poems I read focus on complex and often broken relationships, making this one a breath of fresh air. You did a great job describing friendship, without slipping into any clichés.
There was one part, however, that was a little difficult to understand the first time I read through it: the lines “your wisdom and insight protect / my weaknesses, making me informed”. It felt like the rhyme was a little forced there. Furthermore, it took me a while to realize that “protect my weaknesses” meant something closer to “protect me where I am weak”, since I mistakenly read “weaknesses” as the shortcomings themselves, which don’t require protection. I know how important (and sometimes difficult) it is to keep up the rhythm and rhyme scheme, but be careful to make sure that meaning doesn’t get compromised just to make the line fit.
Other than that, though, I really like this poem! You already seem like a professional, and it surprised me to learn from the comments that this is your first time writing Lüshi. Keep it up!
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I'm not familiar with this form either, but I love how it flows I can hear it in my head when I read it and out loud as well. Flow is hard. Only one suggestion I had a hard time with one sentence though for understanding and flow it was this one: "your effusive forma de ser; a hearth, keeping me warmed." I can't help but feel maybe it's because I have the pronunciation wrong but that it doesn't fit very well with the rest. Other than that great job!
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Thank you for taking the time to read this and for writing me a comment. I appreciate your feedback. The line you're having trouble with has a mixture of Spanish and English. I think the reason you might be having trouble with it because you don't understand "forma de ser" or how it's pronounced. I put a lot of thought into this poem and I've read and reread it many times, aloud too, and that portion of the poem wasn't ever awkward for me. I think I understand why it's jarring or doesn't flow. I think if I transitioned into Spanish earlier, it wouldn't be as awkward for people who don't know or understand Spanish. Once again, thank you for your input. I really appreciate it!
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Your welcome. Yeah, langauge can be hard especially if you're using dual language. Great job though. I wouldn't remove it for fear of losing impact.
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Very true! Thank you! It's something I will definitely keep in mind next time I write a poem with multiple languages.
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I look forward to seeing more!
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Thank you so much! Your support is most appreciated!
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Thank you so much! I appreciate the time you took to read this.
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I'm not familiar with the form. But you seem to have hit the rhyme scheme correctly, without making it feel sing-songy. I should try that challenge at some point, but I don't write a lot of formalist poetry. Even when I start out attempting it, I usually veer off into free verse.
I can rhyme and meter, but it doesn't quite fit my aesthetic sense. I like a more subtle rhythm, with off or internal rhymes.
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I wasn't familiar with the form either. I'm hoping to complete DFC even though I'm behind and late. I'd like to diversify my gallery and strengthen my writing by going out of my comfort zone and writing more fixed form poetry. Thank you for reading and commenting!!!
That's still cool. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just different. One form isn't better than another.
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I love rhyme when it works and flows naturally. But sometimes it can feel forced, and in the wrong poem it can make the verse feel unintentionally sing-songy. But Frost and other formalists managed to avoid this, so I don't reject rhyme and meter in principle. I just find them less natural to my ear. Sometimes I use meter, but disguise it through subtle line breaks. I'm always thinking about rhythm, but I also want it to feel organic, even though it is often intensely structured. None of this has anything to do with your piece. I thought the rhyme scheme worked well.
I was just trying to elaborate. I don't get many chances to talk poetry. lol.
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That makes sense. Fair enough, I think I know what you mean. Is it something like rhyming for rhyming's sake? In other words, feeling pressure to rhyme so you rhyme but it feels constricted or forced? Hm, I'm presuming you are speaking in general terms and you are not necessarily referring to the poem I wrote, is this presumption corrected? That's a neat trick to help with the flow of a poem. I know what you mean, I always try to keep rhythm when I write a poem even if I don't choose to rhyme. Thank you, all I did was follow the rhyming scheme of this fixed form.
Haha, feel free to talk poetry to me anytime.
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You were correct. I was speaking broadly and not addressing your poem. I'm not against Rhyme and meter in any way, but I get a bit annoyed with those self-appointed gatekeepers who try to say that anything that doesn't use those particular tools isn't poetry. Most of the worlds poetry doesn't, and to narrow the definition so arbitrarily is a particularly pernicious form of ethnocentrism. I don't mind if someone doesn't like free verse, only when they try to diminish its status as poetry. I'm completely off topic, butt I hope that makes sense. lol
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I'm thrilled you like it because it's for you.
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