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{ please listen. }

[ ix. the hermit. ]

( come out, come out
to the sea, my love
and just
drown with me. )

i. would you die for with me?

the first time he says that, he laughs.

his voice dramatic, his tone joking.

“to die with someone so beautiful,” he exclaims, a bright smile on his face, “would be an honor.”

your first impression of dazai burns itself in your memory.

ii. you don’t like pain, so you ask for a mindless death. ( why? )

you’ve never forgotten those words after all these years. even if it had slipped from your memory, he never lets you forget. you first thought it to be some strange joke-- some dark humor that you never understood.

but the ongoing mentions--

you learn to realize that the one you’ve learned to love is the one who no longer wants to exist.

iii. when the time comes and fate has forgiven us for our sins, maybe, just maybe, we can grow old and gray together. ( our endings will intertwine; you’ll get what you’ve always wanted. )

it’ll come one day. he knows this.

death is inevitable.

you would die for him. you would save him, protect him, do anything for him. but to die with him--

not yet, you think. if death were to ever greet you together, you’d hope it’d be when you’ve reached the end of the line with your hands wrinkled and minds peaceful.

not yet.

iv. would you?

“why do you want to die?"

your voice comes out more shattered than you’d ever expected. a broken heart leads to broken words and broken expressions. your thumb grazes over his cheek and you stare at him so longingly and intently; it’s as if you’re searching for him. searching for someone who may not even be there.

because he holds a persona that seems so light, so happy with the cheerful, silly voices and the acts that never end. a persona that hardly falters, never daring to break to reveal that quiet, suffering boy underneath.

“dazai, do you really want to?” you whisper, your voice thick as if the lump in your throat has only grown bigger from the urge to cry.

his visage holds a strange, bitter gentleness that feels so empty yet whole--

indescribable. unreadable.

you’ve always felt that way about him. a mystery engrossed with death yet so afraid of suffering and pain.

he doesn’t speak. he smiles, but it doesn’t remind you of quiet, sunny mornings. it reminds you of lonely nights and gloomy skies. his arms wrap around you, bandages tightly coiled around his neck and wrists. he buries his face in the crook of your neck and you can feel his lips against your skin.

you feel the smile disappear and your tears threaten to fall.

v. live.

dazai has lost too many people to count. he’s learned that happy endings only exist in fairytales.

to live is to suffer. to live is to lose everything and everyone you’ve ever cared for and loved.

this is why. this is why he wants to die. because pain is unavoidable and everything he’ll ever have will be torn away, no matter how hard he tries to protect it.

there are too many things in his heart that he will never wear on his sleeve. this is one of them.

even if he loves you more than the world itself, he will keep these thoughts where they belong.

“you never answered me.” your voice breaks the midnight silence. the bed creaks under your weight when you lie next to him. it was only a few hours ago that you asked; he had held onto you for so long without a word that you pushed him away, isolating yourself so the world wouldn’t see your tears.

he still won’t.

“i don’t want you to die.” your voice threatens to waver, but you keep composure. “i want you to live--”

you want him to live because you want him to be around. because you’ll miss him if he was gone. because you’re selfish.

but more than anything, you want him to live because you want him to feel joy. to feel happiness and laugh with the ones he cares for. to smile genuine smiles.

“--for yourself.”

a flicker of surprise on his features that dies down like a flame. not a word.

“i want you to live for yourself. not for me, not for anyone else. for you.”

easier said than done. you know it’s a request that can’t be fulfilled so suddenly. you can’t change his mind in mere seconds.

"i want you to want to be alive. to exist."

you don't make him promise. you don't make him swear to your words.

you can only hope that these thoughts that fill his mind will leave one day.

he holds you closer that night, his lips pressing kisses against your knuckles.

silence fills a cold room.

he never answers.

Description

{ please listen. }

[ ix. the hermit. ]

( come out, come out
to the sea, my love
and just
drown with me. )

i. would you die for with me?

the first time he says that, he laughs.

his voice dramatic, his tone joking.

“to die with someone so beautiful,” he exclaims, a bright smile on his face, “would be an honor.”

your first impression of dazai burns itself in your memory.

ii. you don’t like pain, so you ask for a mindless death. ( why? )

you’ve never forgotten those words after all these years. even if it had slipped from your memory, he never lets you forget. you first thought it to be some strange joke-- some dark humor that you never understood.

but the ongoing mentions--

you learn to realize that the one you’ve learned to love is the one who no longer wants to exist.

iii. when the time comes and fate has forgiven us for our sins, maybe, just maybe, we can grow old and gray together. ( our endings will intertwine; you’ll get what you’ve always wanted. )

it’ll come one day. he knows this.

death is inevitable.

you would die for him. you would save him, protect him, do anything for him. but to die with him--

not yet, you think. if death were to ever greet you together, you’d hope it’d be when you’ve reached the end of the line with your hands wrinkled and minds peaceful.

not yet.

iv. would you?

“why do you want to die?"

your voice comes out more shattered than you’d ever expected. a broken heart leads to broken words and broken expressions. your thumb grazes over his cheek and you stare at him so longingly and intently; it’s as if you’re searching for him. searching for someone who may not even be there.

because he holds a persona that seems so light, so happy with the cheerful, silly voices and the acts that never end. a persona that hardly falters, never daring to break to reveal that quiet, suffering boy underneath.

“dazai, do you really want to?” you whisper, your voice thick as if the lump in your throat has only grown bigger from the urge to cry.

his visage holds a strange, bitter gentleness that feels so empty yet whole--

indescribable. unreadable.

you’ve always felt that way about him. a mystery engrossed with death yet so afraid of suffering and pain.

he doesn’t speak. he smiles, but it doesn’t remind you of quiet, sunny mornings. it reminds you of lonely nights and gloomy skies. his arms wrap around you, bandages tightly coiled around his neck and wrists. he buries his face in the crook of your neck and you can feel his lips against your skin.

you feel the smile disappear and your tears threaten to fall.

v. live.

dazai has lost too many people to count. he’s learned that happy endings only exist in fairytales.

to live is to suffer. to live is to lose everything and everyone you’ve ever cared for and loved.

this is why. this is why he wants to die. because pain is unavoidable and everything he’ll ever have will be torn away, no matter how hard he tries to protect it.

there are too many things in his heart that he will never wear on his sleeve. this is one of them.

even if he loves you more than the world itself, he will keep these thoughts where they belong.

“you never answered me.” your voice breaks the midnight silence. the bed creaks under your weight when you lie next to him. it was only a few hours ago that you asked; he had held onto you for so long without a word that you pushed him away, isolating yourself so the world wouldn’t see your tears.

he still won’t.

“i don’t want you to die.” your voice threatens to waver, but you keep composure. “i want you to live--”

you want him to live because you want him to be around. because you’ll miss him if he was gone. because you’re selfish.

but more than anything, you want him to live because you want him to feel joy. to feel happiness and laugh with the ones he cares for. to smile genuine smiles.

“--for yourself.”

a flicker of surprise on his features that dies down like a flame. not a word.

“i want you to live for yourself. not for me, not for anyone else. for you.”

easier said than done. you know it’s a request that can’t be fulfilled so suddenly. you can’t change his mind in mere seconds.

"i want you to want to be alive. to exist."

you don't make him promise. you don't make him swear to your words.

you can only hope that these thoughts that fill his mind will leave one day.

he holds you closer that night, his lips pressing kisses against your knuckles.

silence fills a cold room.

he never answers.