Comments: 70
DerpyApplejack [2012-07-25 16:06:37 +0000 UTC]
This was very interesting! Love it!
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NerdyPony-HeadSet [2012-07-22 12:26:45 +0000 UTC]
Void of spirit? That is not possible. everything has a body and a soul. the brain is solid. the mind is energy and as it is conciousness it is alive.
All things exist because they're alive, and no matter what you do to kill someone and even long after they are dead they will have and always will exist.
There is no such thing as no soul... everything has a soul and so when she created twilight... she had created life as it should exist.
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Oreeaak In reply to NerdyPony-HeadSet [2018-03-02 05:08:32 +0000 UTC]
I've seen stupidity, but what I just read is... On another level entirely.
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BlazingBlaze In reply to NerdyPony-HeadSet [2013-11-20 03:31:11 +0000 UTC]
everything has a soul
That's a matter of opinion.
As for that other line, not everything that exists is alive, dude.
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NorthernSprint [2012-06-22 20:11:53 +0000 UTC]
this line: "the pony had overwhelming magic, where a void of spirit should have been" seems to have also been use in some various other fan-fics i have read (that is if i am remembering properly)
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PirinjaOhThree [2012-03-27 01:04:56 +0000 UTC]
It took quite a while to find this. But it was worth it to find the first MLP fanfic I had ever read.
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Alexanderan [2012-02-29 03:13:01 +0000 UTC]
Ouch, my heart hurt a bit after I read that Twilight had no soul.Thank Celestia this is a fic....and a damn good one too.
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Aquos4 [2012-02-10 15:23:57 +0000 UTC]
looks awesome, i'll read it when i have time.
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BrutalityInc [2012-02-09 04:19:41 +0000 UTC]
So Twilight was just a expendable tool of the very mentor she looked up upon as a mother...
Dark indeed! I am impressed.
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emangamer [2012-01-21 18:56:41 +0000 UTC]
It is an EXTREAMLY well written fic but I have one problem.
Throughout the fic you imply that the ponies all tolerate each other.
Rarity tolerates Twi, Everypony tolerates RD and Pinkie. They ARE friends...
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SoulReavers [2012-01-15 04:40:38 +0000 UTC]
Though I'm torn on whether or not I like dark MLP stuff, I must admit this was an amazing story! One of the most interesting pieces of fiction I've read in awhile. Keep up the good work!
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BigMac-X-Caramel [2011-12-13 02:57:19 +0000 UTC]
i have a question. im pretty sure you wrote about the guards in the next chapter but... if you were to write a fanfic about the guards would you give them more color then in the series or would you leave them as is? also about there cutie marks. would you change them? sry if im being a nuisence i just wanted to know
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deadz74 [2011-12-01 21:20:45 +0000 UTC]
i got to make time and read this in full its just as grim as celestia nightmare on my blog
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lol1759 [2011-11-08 19:27:00 +0000 UTC]
HO SHIT!
DAT ENDING!
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crashman101 [2011-09-26 04:29:45 +0000 UTC]
Finally found this story again have to say it was one of my faves
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Xanthur34 [2011-09-11 08:00:41 +0000 UTC]
When I read this story, I had accidentally started from chapter 2 and went onward from there, it was only until I'd finished it that I noticed I missed this intro chapter. In all honesty though, having read this now, I feel like the story had more impact on me when I DIDN'T know what was going on at first. I felt like I was just as lost and confused as Twilight was at first. Then learning everything was such a shocker.
Anyway, FANTASTIC story! I haven't enjoyed a story like this since To Kill a Mockingbird, and I tell you I love that book. Hoping you keep up the great work!
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BIGCCV [2011-09-03 21:53:41 +0000 UTC]
Que buen inicio, haber como continua XD
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DracoDei [2011-08-31 22:58:50 +0000 UTC]
Reactions (and possibly corrections) as I go:
It would be much easier if she could get a volunteer, but she didn't like the idea of destroying a living pony for her own selfish needs. Besides, not just anypony would do. No commoner could ever hope to help her beloved little sister.
-So she is going to MAKE Twilight? Or even all of the Mane Six? That would be my guess... either that or her necromancy will result in the villain of this story. I say "necromancy" because I doubt that she is going to turn herself evil... then again, as a test subject for a tweak to the Elements (the rocks, not the Ponies) so that they will heal her sister, rather than re-banish her or something.
A bucket of clay, a pail of water, a sculptor's chisel: all would be used to finish her creation.
-Ah, so not necromancy or modifications to herself then... we shall see if she creates Twilight, all the Mane Six (she can totally have the foals swapped or modify memories to give them birth-parents), or the villian.
She was a unicorn mare made of naught but clay, with a straight and orderly mane and tail.
-Ok, so probably Twilight, although that would PROBABLY be a "filly" not a "mare", unless some MAJOR memory tweaking is involved (like faking her parents' entire existences in her mind as part of the creation process). Still could turn out to be a failed prototype/first try that turns evil.
Well, actually, she would be her mother anyway, so it all worked out nicely.
-Looks like the parents', as seen in "The Cutiemark Chronicles" are fictions created in Twilight's imagination... unless it IS going to be a "failed prototype".
Not only had she created a masterpiece sculpture, but soon she would create the perfect vessel for her dear Luna's spirit to be poured into. Then, she could kill Nightmare Moon with nothing to hold her back, and finally apologize for not paying enough attention to her beloved sister.
-Ah... I see... so this might be the filly that was discovered in the ruin's of Nightmare's armor, or it could turn out to be Twilight, with a soul that Celestia grows to love, and thus can not sacrifice when push comes to shove... a sacrifice that God (I prefer to see the Sisters as more on the level of Arch-angels, or the Greco-Roman deities as portrayed in C.S. Lewis's work)/fate/whatever honors with Luna's survival. Still could be a horrible mistake that will be the villain of this story.
She almost felt pity for a moment, since she would basically be creating a life for the sole purpose of dying.
-This refines things, but doesn't actually rule out any of the possibilities I mentioned above...
"Take two," she spoke into the nothingness before summoning her strength again.
She was a beautiful filly with a purple coat and navy blue mane, sleeping soundly and happily on the floor.
-Take one could be our villain, take two matches the descriptions of both Twilight (except there aren't any hair streaks) AND Luna-reborn.
Prodding into the sleeping pony, however, the princess saw something she didn't account for; the pony had overwhelming magic, where a void of spirit should have been, and would be unsuitable to hold her sister.
-Ah, Twilight it is... still think the extra mass might become our villain...
It was a minor set-back, given the time she still had, even if it wasn't a lot to a being like her.
-This sentence doesn't quite seem to hold together... I would suggest that you put "minor" when you meant "major", but even that doesn't quite work...
Celestia pondered hard about whom to give the unicorn foal in the basement to. They would need to be married and be close enough to her to trust with the truth.
-Right... no memory messing about with the parents(and perhaps none with Twilight herself), and actual parents... that is the heroic Princess I know and love.
It was refreshing to see such bright colourations on ponies these days.
-A new feature of the race? Perhaps added by herself?
On top of it sat many pictures in gilded frames, some of them rather horrid in quality, but she loved them all the same. Of every student she ever had, the princess would select the best drawing they made and mount it so that she could always see it and remember them.
- Ah yes... immortality... surprisingly it can make the life of a mortal seem all the more precious and fleeting, yes? Many think it would be an unbearable sadness. I think that the ability to savor the brief decades with each friend would be a trait that most immortals would learn, if it was not in-born to them.
On top of the ancient desk, Celestia liked to keep it relatively clean.
-This sentence feels awkward. Try "As for the top of the ancient desk, Celestia liked to keep it relatively clean.", or some such?
The mare and the colt looked stunned for a second, but quickly nodded their heads in understanding.
-I prefer "stallion" for adult male ponies. I realize the implications may be a bit wrong in many people's minds, but it IS the correct term IRL, and it adds more precision, diversity, and richness to the lexicon of the fanfic. The exception to this is when modifying RL words, one should consider the flow. For example: "Fillies and Gentlecolts" (I believe this was in episode 1) flows off the tongue much better than "Mares and Stallions".
It only seemed like yesterday that she became re-united with the small unicorn she created, given the name 'Twilight Sparkle' by her adoptive parents.
-Final confirmation, if any were needed. It does occur to me that people don't generally remember much before a certain age, and with 20 years from her creation to the first time we see her in Episode 1, it seems reasonable that no memory-faking would be necessary. Celestia dodged a bullet there.
"We're not sure if we're ready, or able to raise a foal, Princess. I mean, we're flattered you thought of us, but we're not sure if we can do it."
"I have faith in you both. Besides, sooner or later, I expect this foal to discover and become very interested in magic. When she starts to show this potential, try to enroll her at the academy and you won't have to worry about her anymore," the Regent of the Sun replied.
-Seems like she would know Pony psychology (assuming that it is like human psychology in this regard) better than to think they wouldn't get attached in the years between Twilight first attending the Summer Sun Celebration and the entrance exam where she hatched Spike... then again, offering that out NOW, even if she knows the option wouldn't be likely to be taken would be perfectly appropriate psychological technique to set them at their ease.
Call it a guilty little pleasure, but she had grown fond of those stories, just like how she had grown fond of her gol... of her student.
-"Golem" huh? I wonder if that means that she is physically different, or has an practical implications as far as her biology or how she might react to magic?
How could she send her early without rousing suspicion?
-EARLY?! So either she was planning on cutting it EVEN CLOSER, or she was going to have the Elements do their thing at a later time (perhaps under the pressure of Eternal Night drawing them together, or perhaps she didn't plan on losing to Nightmare Moon the second time around?).
Looking out the large window behind the desk, the princess watched helplessly as the four stars began to draw closer to the moon with increasing haste, eager to revive their felled mistress.
-Should be "fallen mistress" or perhaps "fel mistress".
"Do not underestimate the purple unicorn."
-Seems a bit much to give that much warning... unless she knew that Luna was trapped inside and her words would encourage her.
The only thing stopping her from bursting into flames from the sheer heat of the sun was her divinity and immortality.
-Good... Some people have her banished to the moon, but she comes out of the SUNRISE when she comes back, and... well I like to think that there is something about magic that makes it easier to bind them to the object that is the focus of their greatest power.
-The reunion scene is every bit as touching as in the original... I do wonder if Twilight will discover things and be resentful (I have seen another fic that took that direction, but I don't especially like the idea, as a long-term thing that ends in "I forgive you" rather than "No, you did exactly the right thing by putting me on this path").
Or so she thought.
-And thus we have a plot beyond this point...👍: 0 ⏩: 0
JnFProductions [2011-08-28 23:00:26 +0000 UTC]
So according to this, Twilight Sparkle is a Golem?
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DemonPanther [2011-08-16 12:39:03 +0000 UTC]
When I read the part about the purple coat and navy blue mane, it wasn't that hard to put two and two together. And here to express my thoughts is M. Night Shyamalon!
"What a twist!!!"
Onto chapter 2!
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Xeno-the-Hedgehog [2011-08-12 03:03:45 +0000 UTC]
Did you also write that other fic where Twilight falls in love with Princess Luna, finds out she's a golem, frees Celestia from her own possession, and becomes an alicorn?
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Ciroton In reply to Xeno-the-Hedgehog [2011-08-12 03:24:35 +0000 UTC]
Nope, that was written by a guy called 'AVeryStrange' In fact, I Favorited that very story, so you can find it again in my favorites. I have no clue which came first though. It's probably just a coincidence. You'll have to ask the author.
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Xeno-the-Hedgehog In reply to Ciroton [2011-08-12 19:33:23 +0000 UTC]
nonetheless, you are both supremely talented authors, and I'm glad I took the time to read your work.
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justapassingby [2011-07-19 05:04:41 +0000 UTC]
so wait twilight has huge amounts of magic were her soul should be
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Salnax [2011-07-04 07:01:40 +0000 UTC]
For some reason, I could hear a thousand shippers crying when you described how Celestia created Twilight.
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ApocalypticDusk In reply to Salnax [2011-09-13 06:51:05 +0000 UTC]
I just read this comment months later, and I lmaod.
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WolfJoeBrony [2011-07-01 01:41:20 +0000 UTC]
The first chapter, after getting this fanfic purposed, ill thought to give it a try. The pre-story about Twilight Sparkle is really dark and shows another, opposite side, of Celestia and it seems nothing happens by chance and that she really likes to stay in control. It remembers me of a really dark vilian creating one of his monsters, instead of creating a little filly unicorn, more like a minion, the only thing which still remembers of Celestia in the Show is the part feeling sad for the golem. Really grew my interest even so the 2nd part is just a retell of the 2nd Episode with Celestias feelings.
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DuplexFields [2011-06-07 22:26:40 +0000 UTC]
I make it my policy to only fave the first part of a multi-part story. Nevertheless, I do need to inform you that the final chapter IS TOTALLY AWESOME.
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northerntoe [2011-06-02 00:05:20 +0000 UTC]
"ignoring the abomination before her. "Take two," she spoke into the nothingness before summoning her strength again."
that line was so perfect, funny yet incredibly dark ...........
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leonisgreat [2011-06-01 23:02:41 +0000 UTC]
I'm kinda confused at one part so I have a question. Was Celestia enraged or something when Twilight sent the letter? If so, why was she angry?
Another question. Why was Twilight created in the first place?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ciroton In reply to leonisgreat [2011-06-02 01:00:17 +0000 UTC]
Not enraged, just a little inconvenienced that she disrupted her bath. Also, it's heavily hinted at over the chapter, and even said outright a few times that Twilight was made to free Luna from Nightmare Moon. At first, it would be by serving as her body, but it evolved into her utilizing the Elements of Harmony by making friends.
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leonisgreat In reply to Ciroton [2011-06-02 03:24:37 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. I was trying not to use enraged but just couldn't think of a better word. I could've just used a simple word like annoyed. Also, I have seen the hints lying here and there, but I was probably not paying much attention to when they did say it.
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RangerGxi [2011-06-01 22:16:30 +0000 UTC]
Or so she thought...
Celestia created Twilight. This will be WIN.
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SgtNolisten [2011-05-25 02:23:34 +0000 UTC]
The only reason why I'm doing sadness for this is because I've finished what you have so far and, while awsome and "20% Cooler" (couldn't resist), it's hard to see one of your favored characters (though I prefer Applejack and Rainbow Dash more) fall like that.
Great story mate. Another to add to my impressive grimdark collection (spread over ff.net, here, and equestria daily)
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Paprika1 [2011-05-18 06:49:50 +0000 UTC]
next chapter plaese
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Shikogo [2011-05-11 20:11:03 +0000 UTC]
Best fanfic I've seen yet. I haven't read a lot yet, but I think this one is hard to surpass.
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thelovelypenguin [2011-05-11 03:25:58 +0000 UTC]
Came here from Equestria Daily. While sad and grimdark fics aren't usually my cup of tea, the premise of this story drew me here anyway. And man, the premise certainly is interesting! I wonder what all is gonna happen. Also, I enjoyed reading about the events of the pilot from Celestia's perspective.
For the most part, the story flowed pretty well mechanically (spelling, grammar, etc). One thing that really bugged me, though, was you used "then" a lot when I think you meant "than." For example: "Even more impressive then Canterlot itself," should be "Even more impressive than Canterlot itself." If you could just fix those errors, I'd say perfect story!
So yeah, fix the spelling errors, and keep up the great work! I can't wait to see where this story goes.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ciroton In reply to thelovelypenguin [2011-05-11 03:30:52 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I've always had a problem with those. I'll keep it in mind for Chapter 3. I'll give you all a hint to the content:
"Sunset - Chapter 3: Eclipse."
Keep an eye open for it. ;D
(Yes, I am a horrible tease, thank you. x3)
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AJTalon [2011-05-11 03:24:39 +0000 UTC]
Nice idea and so far, it's been well written. Keep up the good work.
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heartsvenom [2011-05-04 02:26:34 +0000 UTC]
Sorry about double post did not think the first one posted...
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heartsvenom [2011-05-04 02:25:37 +0000 UTC]
I am impressed sir.
I applaud your creativity and description.
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heartsvenom [2011-05-04 02:24:51 +0000 UTC]
You have impressed me sir.
I applaud you creativity and description.
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WingZero032 [2011-05-04 00:19:07 +0000 UTC]
.... and once aware and acnologed the true reason of it's existence and it's real origins....THE CREATION TURNS AGAINST IT'S CREATOR, NOW AWARE OF THE REAL EXTENT OF IT'S TRUE INFINITE POWER IN A BATTLE THAT WOULD REDEFINE THE FUTURE OF PONYKIND WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSTAND SUNS!!!...or at leatst an overpowered family quarrel of bloddy propotions
also you can put some clues for Twilight about her true nature, like never bleedig while injured(damaged), or if she despite being a 24/7 bookworm can outlast the most atlethic pony of the group (Endurance does not mean speed or strenge) like nothing, of if sleeping feels to her unnesesary, but the books she had read tells otherwhise, or if she has the fastest healing rate,or if she was completly aware of what's happening when she was "tuned into rock statue" or why she had never gotten sick or someting, but especially of how could sha have survived an anvil, a piano, and a heavy loaded cart falling over her concecutively almos at the same time, or things like that the series could not explain (lack of blood while injured)
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