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Description

(From April 2019)

Even long before I knew I was autistic, I felt out of place in life. I never exactly belonged. I felt like a cat born into a dog's world... and looking at that sentiment now, it makes all too much sense.
Dogs and cats are not opposites, and they're not enemies, but they are different, and treating one like the other, or expecting one to behave like the other, will get you nowhere. So imagine growing up with dogs who don't know you're a cat... and you don't know you are, either.
When I was little, I didn't understand why other dogs weren't more like me. They were loud and unruly and liked to play rough, but all that scared me. I didn't know that my ears were so sensitive. I didn't know that the way I liked to play was so different. I just thought everyone else were bad dogs, and I was the only good one.
Teachers noticed that I could do things the other dogs couldn't, but they never told me I was a cat. The other dogs noticed I couldn't do a lot of things dogs could, and they could smell feline on me. Dogs are nice for the most part, but a whole lot of them think it's fun to chase cats. I didn't know why they were being so mean to me, or why they were almost never punished. I was told I was "sensitive"... I was really just going through a lot of grief that I didn't understand and I couldn't run from.
Several bad episodes, one school drop out, one year of home school later, I rejoined dog school... but things were a bit different.
At first, I was angry that so little had changed. All the dogs were still acting like dogs, and I couldn't match that. But over the years, as life's demands began to change, I started to wonder... if I can't do what the other dogs can, then I must be the bad dog. I tripled the effort of behaving and functioning like a canine. For a little while, it worked. If I held myself just right, I just looked like an unusual dog. I did well at dog school and found my way into a pack of dog friends. But trying so hard to be something that you're not will blow up in your face, eventually. I forgot how to dog... and I even forgot how to cat.
For years, I continued thinking that I was just a no good, broken dog. I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I couldn't do what came so easily to everyone else. I found it so hard to understand the way dogs communicate, and to communicate in a way they would understand. I was overwhelmed by the everyday world, and I didn't realize it was because the world is shaped around dogs' needs....
And I'm not a dog.
Doing research, meeting other cats, getting my assessment, it put everything in perspective. The reason I've always felt out of place is because I am. I can't shame myself for being a bad dog when I'm a cat. All I can do is try to find my way with the strengths, limitations, and needs that I have. It's still tough living in a world that, for the most part, is not built for you to thrive in. But it's comforting to know that you're not broken, wrong, or inept. You're just built differently.
I don't know how my life would have changed if I knew I was autistic sooner, but I feel very lucky that I know now, and that people in my life know, too.
Meow.

Description

(From April 2019)

Even long before I knew I was autistic, I felt out of place in life. I never exactly belonged. I felt like a cat born into a dog's world... and looking at that sentiment now, it makes all too much sense.
Dogs and cats are not opposites, and they're not enemies, but they are different, and treating one like the other, or expecting one to behave like the other, will get you nowhere. So imagine growing up with dogs who don't know you're a cat... and you don't know you are, either.
When I was little, I didn't understand why other dogs weren't more like me. They were loud and unruly and liked to play rough, but all that scared me. I didn't know that my ears were so sensitive. I didn't know that the way I liked to play was so different. I just thought everyone else were bad dogs, and I was the only good one.
Teachers noticed that I could do things the other dogs couldn't, but they never told me I was a cat. The other dogs noticed I couldn't do a lot of things dogs could, and they could smell feline on me. Dogs are nice for the most part, but a whole lot of them think it's fun to chase cats. I didn't know why they were being so mean to me, or why they were almost never punished. I was told I was "sensitive"... I was really just going through a lot of grief that I didn't understand and I couldn't run from.
Several bad episodes, one school drop out, one year of home school later, I rejoined dog school... but things were a bit different.
At first, I was angry that so little had changed. All the dogs were still acting like dogs, and I couldn't match that. But over the years, as life's demands began to change, I started to wonder... if I can't do what the other dogs can, then I must be the bad dog. I tripled the effort of behaving and functioning like a canine. For a little while, it worked. If I held myself just right, I just looked like an unusual dog. I did well at dog school and found my way into a pack of dog friends. But trying so hard to be something that you're not will blow up in your face, eventually. I forgot how to dog... and I even forgot how to cat.
For years, I continued thinking that I was just a no good, broken dog. I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I couldn't do what came so easily to everyone else. I found it so hard to understand the way dogs communicate, and to communicate in a way they would understand. I was overwhelmed by the everyday world, and I didn't realize it was because the world is shaped around dogs' needs....
And I'm not a dog.
Doing research, meeting other cats, getting my assessment, it put everything in perspective. The reason I've always felt out of place is because I am. I can't shame myself for being a bad dog when I'm a cat. All I can do is try to find my way with the strengths, limitations, and needs that I have. It's still tough living in a world that, for the most part, is not built for you to thrive in. But it's comforting to know that you're not broken, wrong, or inept. You're just built differently.
I don't know how my life would have changed if I knew I was autistic sooner, but I feel very lucky that I know now, and that people in my life know, too.
Meow.