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collinsajoshua — peddle
Published: 2011-06-17 07:08:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 103; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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Description
All we know is anarchyA meaningless walk towards death
Living out the closest thing we know of life
A dance with your self
It is the same everywhere
A single message to the masses
Do what thou will
Don't feel guilty that your words are masturbating
Is this song of self the only sound we know?
Somebody said I was loved
I said of course
I love myself
But what of those beleivers of the farce?
Sickening history
Conservative community
Apocalyptic bastards
Peddling an impossible cure
Ravenous wolves feeding on the ignorant sheep
We shall now divide the man from the God
Thank you dear Jehovah
For the air in my lungs
Blessed forever you be
Yet knowledge is agony
All thought is a mystery
Open the door
For we are stuck in a cell
Never meant to be
But it is what it is
A prison of words
Date the future
Speak a hope
A hope in something more
More then this mirror
A voice in the wilderness said,
Josh,
Write it out faster
Ok
Here I go
Somebody said we were different
I said it was him
He said it was me
The angels said it was the darkness of night which meant our fellowship could never be
So He crucified the self with his word love
Then said a simple thing
Whomever repeats his word finds truth
Yes he finds fellowship with that which is planted above
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Comments: 2
Thank you for the well thought critique. You are absolutely right that love can be an old worn out word and all that rhymes with it. I am in a habit of using the word too much in my writing.It is something I need to work on aboslutely.Thanks once again for taking the time in writing this!
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Okay, you should definitely start submitting this stuff to poetry groups, all of your poems so far have made me wonder about something more, they're vague in just the right way, they draw the audience in, and they leave you with quite a few questions not only about the author, but about the poem, questions probably best left unanswered, or not. The symbolism you use is amazing, and the subtext is great.
A couple words of warning though: people always rhyme "love" with "above", and sometimes it can get a little old, what some poets do to counteract this is rhyme love with a word that nearly rhymes with it or only looks like it rhymes with it: "Come live with me and be my love/ and we would all the pleasures prove" (Christopher Marlowe). "Forsake thy love/ thy treasured trove:/ such deep desire/ I'll never know" (Me). Also, you're very good at saying a lot in a few words, you can use that to shorten lines and bring a better cadence to a poem.
Other than that (and most of it is just me being nitpicky, and annoying", I think this stuff is really good, and that you should submit it to tons and tons of poetry groups. What I like most about it is that it isn't angsty in an emo kind of way and that it uses symbolism and makes the reader interpret it. So, yeah, I just wrote a critique that's longer than your poem, I guess that means I really like it. Good work
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