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The Sixth Renga
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Published: 2005-11-02 10:49:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 1359; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 194
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Description
The Mixed Renga!!Introducing cloudkitten:
My bed calls to me,
It is time for me to sleep
For I am tired.
curiosity:
A weary mortal,
dreams are my salvation, though
emotions trick me:
and also Introducing moon-lapse:
when Sad weaves her spell,
Upon defenceless platoons;
Happy's never far
please welcome flappability:
Far is where my wings collapse.
Collapse and nudge me back.
Back to cage with your heart's syrup softly clipped.
Clip me there too.
Dark0Dark:
He sheds his wings, like
a sleepless giant on a
journey of darkness.
Enter the dashing saiun:
Out of velvet dusk
A star twinkles to life.
Spellbound by the sky ---
DarkSoulGoddess:
Hypnotising me
with my slow limber body
burning deep inside
mdog02:
Inside this vessel a fire burns bright,
bright as spells cast to dark corners,
corners too blind to appease my senses;
senses well worn and oft betrayed.
flappability:
Betrayed to the once crispy edges serrating these senses,
Senses so wistful, so buttered, so tumbling --
Tumbling to the noiseless, ample, doleful corners.
Corners where me is all that I can be.
Introducing Deadpoet-16:
Be strong young dreamer
Diamond stars shine above in
Empty heaven skies.
Skies burn blue tonight
sapphire fire ripples like the
pure ocean waves.
Waves carry home
Every lost dreamer who
Sails the soft bed boat.
.
.
.
Comments: 54
Thank you very kindly for the comment, darlin' 
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As inziladun has been going on about the generalities, I will try to point out a few technicalities. First of all, Renga (ι£ζ
The capitalization is very inconsistent. especially in the beginning of each line. I see no good enough reason for you to mar the general flow of the piece as a whole in this way, and the piece would look much more presentable if cleaned up as a single piece. A little revision after the contributions have been collected goes a long way; I would also suggest putting deviant names at the bottom instead of between the stanzas (e.g. Lines 1-3 by so and so) for better readability. There is an obvious break in sentence structure between stanza 3 and 4 and the connection doesn't make sense. "Back to cage" = "Back to MY cage" perhaps? A disconserting introduction of a third person "he" in stanza 5 who suddenly appears and never shows up for the rest of the poem. I'd prefer these loose ends neatly wound up.
All for now.
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hay thar
Hit me up on AIM sometime.
SAME NAME!
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i agree with inziladun and itainohime on the basis that there shouldnt be an introduction between the verses and that the introductory haiku was less than proficient (i'm sorry, but it seemed like a bedtime story for kindergarteners to me. =X )
however, some of the abstract concepts introduced by the later poets were interesting and captivating. For example, Dark0Dark, the dashing saiun, and mdog02 all introduced thought-motivating topics that stuck to the topic (more or less).
i think the sestina's forced word choice makes the poem a bit cramped, but it also makes it more coherent, but when the haikus are randomly plopped in, the whole renga seems a bit disconnected. Perhaps stick to just haikus but with different meters?
just a thought.
and i'd like to participate in the next one.
and a bit of on the spot poetry (that will undoubtedly make everything i just said hypocritical because it sucks so much) just because i want to go to bed so much (hence the w.c. salvation)
back to salvation
cushioned fantasies beckon:
dreams beyond conscience
(i really really really dislike the meter. >[. i think i'm a bit more proficient at free verse. *shrugs*)
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Wow...those are some beautiful pieces of imagery!
Like lighthouse beams cutting through
the darkness,
On this hellish, murky black sea,
Your words entice and draw me near
And ultimately comfort me.
Awful, but I'm not so great at on-the-spot poetry 
Later days! Keep it up, guys! <3
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Thank you very much.
The more you write, the more you learn. *grin* Keep writing and feel free to join us.
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Welcome!
I should, eh?! I'd learn so much <3 I'm finally coming outta my slump
Again, great piece!
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I have no clue how this got a DD.
This needs to be cleaned up- badly.
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Mmm. The format does need work. Welcome to an evolving work in progress, darlin'. Feel free to add your ideas to ours in the next one.
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The only problem with an evolving work of progress is when the writers themselves are evolving works in progress. I spoke to the one who chose this as a DD and she told me that the writers themselves are of varying ages themselves, some under 13. If that is correct, then theres' no way for this to work, because no matter what you do, the quality of the writing is going to be mishmashed and varying.
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But doesn't that, in and of itself, offer a certain appeal? Artistic content and form perfection aside, isn't the act of experimenting and including a entire spectrum of talent and skill worthy of the renga ideal - where each person puts their own perspective into a piece to create a whole?
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I'm not so sure...I, being the perfectionist that I am, wouldn't even bother unless the product was completely perfect- I can't sit idly and read something that I wouldn't want to bother with- I feel as if most people would feel the same.
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*nod* I suppose there's that point. Luckily, I'm sure there are many spots on dART where you can find things more suited to your persepctive. 
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Rude, much? Complain to the person who chose the piece, not to the person who composed it.
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Already did.
It's not meant to come off as rude- just my inital impression.
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It got a DD because i chose to feature a community project that involves committed and improving writers.
I'd be really happy to discuss my selections with you via note or email, or on my page
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Quick reviews of the parts of the renga:
Cloudkitten's opening haiku is really simplistic, so much so that it feels both patronizing and silly. Curiosity's follow-up is interesting, in the questions it brings up--what do the narrator's dreams save him from, and why are his emotions foiling his dreams? While moon-lapse's verse attempts to tie into the "emotion" brought up in the previous stanza, I think it fails. Identifying the emotions with the childish words of "Happy" and "Sad" doesn't really work, I think. Also, I believe it's spelled "defenseless".
Flappability's stanza, in my opinion, shouldn't start with the last word of the previous one. Repitition should be sparingly and purposefully used, and here, it doesn't seem to serve any reason. While Flappability goes on to repeat every last/first word--"collapse./Collapse", "back./Back", "clipped./Clip", it doesn't feel like a good move. It breaks away from the haiku theme of the beginning of the renga.
I love Dark0Dark's contribution. It visually ties into the theme of sleep and dreams, hooks into the previous stanza perfectly, and is thought-provoking. 
I have been a fan of mdog02 for some time, so of course, I love his contribution to this. He does a good job, once more, of letting his verse tie into the previous one. However, again, he breaks away from the haiku structure, which gives the entire renga less of a coherent, unified feel. I'm still not sure what the "Word/word" repitition is supposed to mean, other than it's probably a form of poetry that I'm ignorant of.
Flappability's food-words--"crispy", "buttered"--no offense is meant, but they're weird. They don't really fit in with the theme of sleep. Deadpoet-16's stanza feels like an attempt to return to the sleep-theme, but the inconsistent punctuation makes it confusing.
Overall, it reads exactly like what it is--that is, a bunch of people all writing on a similar theme. The theme isn't enough to unify, though. Little attempt appears to have been made to make the different stanzas relate to each other directly. I don't profess to be a renga expert, but I know a bit of round-robin story-writing, and what makes the final product a good read is being able to marvel over how seamless it is, and how one would honestly never know that it was cobbled together from various parts, rather than one person.
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Thank you very kindly for your assessment. I'm sure our various participants will find your words informative.
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^^ I'm glad you found my opinion worthwhile. I'd be most willing to go through the earlier rengas, certainly. The whole concept sounds like fun; if I can get the free time, I'll most probably try to join in.
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It's always a pleasure to get feedback
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Hi ~itainohime , it's great to see you, and I thank you for your very welcome observations.
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I'm glad no offense seems to have been taken. 
The conachlonn sounds like a fascinating format. Had I known its name, I would have Googled it and saved everyone some time.
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No worries, I took no offense at all to your comments. We do these rengas for fun and collaboration, and I find it interesting and enlightening to see what people have to say when one of them is held up to the kind of scrutiny a DD brings.
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as an idea this is certainly nice.. but very, very little attention seems to have been paid to anything but a syllable scheme and some kind of continuity. a majority of these, in my opinion, are not good as poems and even less good as haiku. it makes me wonder why you've chosen to call this little series a renga instead of just calling it a collaboration, because there's not a lot here to signify the former. I really don't mean to be a purist prodder criticising these based on an ideal I may have, but in my honest opinion this is far from a successful renga.
to be honest, the fact that almost none of these poems feature any kind of insight or respect towards nature doesn't bother me that much; nature and the seasons are, to me, indispensable to japanese poetry (including and not limited to the haiku) but I concede that disregarding that aspect of the artform is a characteristic of the way the japanese forms have been substituted into the western poetic tradition. I resent it a little bit, and discourage it whenever possible, but leaving out nature is not the reason I think this collaboration is unsuccessful. what erodes this collection of poems is a heightened and insufferably intangible abstractness that just about every poem here exudes; taking =curiosity 's one as a random example: there is no imagery here whatsoever. we are given dreams, weariness, mortality, salvation, emotionsβbut nothing whatsoever to actually observe and take interest in. and the opening verse, the hokku which is supposed to be of especial insight, is dully and mundanely worded: "It is time for me to sleep for I am tired." it is apparent that these lines have been used because they are straightforward and dimensionless, thus easy to come up with, and because they satisfy the fetish (because that's what I think it is) for '5-7-5'. there are lots of ways to communicate weariness without making it so boring and overt; haiku and tanka and senryu all deal with connections and connotations and moments of imageryβthat has been completely diregarded here. the only entry I feel has merit is =saiun 's, because he communicates the general tone that has inexpertly but clearly been built up: sleep, dreams/spells.. and it is made through an observation, something the reader can witness and grasp. that type of conveying makes the realisation of what is being said all the richer, because it is given through an ageless context (Nature) and is conceived of by the reader himself. the opening-hokku treats the reader like an idiot; the reader, generally, is not an idiot and is open to experiences and moments, not dry phrases that mean nothing to him.
in addition I could go on about how lots of the poems in the collaboration are far too long to be haiku or anything similar, and the whole purpose of 'renga' is shooed aside here at latest. it isn't just the number of lines used or the number of syllables usedβso many writers who attempt haiku or tanka or similar are so hung up on syllables, it's ironic that they have very little to do with what the poems are supposed to representβit's the amount and above all the type of content given. "Back to cage with your heart's syrup softly clipped. / Clip me there too" doesn't tell me anything at all, it is vague to the point of arrogance. there's a world of difference between being subtle and being vague, and a majority of these poems are without doubt the latter.
I'm sorry to criticise your efforts like this, because the idea of collaboration is admirable; and I won't say that the theme and topic and tone of the collaboration aren't maintained throughout, because that aspect at least has been payed attention to and not let slip. but it's not much consolation, since the poems presented here (in my opinion, which I want to make clear this all is) are of mediocre quality at best. this collaboration represents great team spirit and admirable eagreness, but very little else. you seem to be an advocate of japanese forms, and it puzzles me as to why you have not recognised the traditions embedded in renga for what they are: the very things that make renga successful.
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We have an ever-changing cast of participants who come and go with various levels of poetic talent and so I expect things to improve always as we go but I understand that there will be differences between our Renga and the traditional expressions.
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I was going to comment, but I really couldn't say anything that you didn't.
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I don't think that your critique of the renga is unwarranted, entirely.
For one, I agree that =cloudkitten 's opening is overly simplistic, to the point of being patronizing. And I also agree that, traditionally, the haiku form is not merely 5/7/5 or 7/10 in meter, but an observation. However, to be fair, the traditional rules for composing haiku only apply to writing it in Japanese. In foreign languages, there is no consensus for what makes a haiku, beyond the 17-syllable meter, because it's essentially an importation of a foreign form of poetry.
To compare it to other forms of poetry, take the sestina. What makes a sestina so overwhelmingly difficult is being forced to write so much, having to re-use the ending words of each stanza, and so on. Perhaps, in the original French, one was required to write on a specific topic, but as the poetry form has spread, it has become known simply by the forced choosing of words, and so on. The same goes for the sonnet--it's traditionally a form dedicated to love poetry, but not all sonnets have to be themed around love.
I agree, though, that if one person writes in haiku form, they should all have to--it makes the renga not read very smoothly when one has to switch gears with a new rhythm halfway through the work.
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traditionally renga were written with alternating verses of seventeen and fourteen onji, i.e. not haiku after haiku. but yeah the gear-shifting is not smooth at all here.
you make a good point with the sestina and sonnet, but what differentiates the haiku from them is that content has always been more central to the form than the presentation has. I can see why a lot of people in the west think 'haiku = 5-7-5', because form seems always to have been primary in the western tradition, trumping insight of content.
excuse me, but that sounds like something that could easily become an excuse for disregarding and disrespecting the haiku spirit, rather than an explanation for differences between japanese and english haiku. the only differences between japanese and english haiku pertain to linguistics; in japanese, seventeen onji is far, far less than seventeen syllables in english. this isn't because an onji is terribly different in length from a syllable, but because the english language simply needs more space to say what japanese says in less. another difference is with kire-ji, japanese words that naturally signify a pause of various possible kinds, which in english have to be substituted with punctuation marks; far less of an issue than the illogical syllable travesty oh I mean rule. ;>
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<< traditionally renga were written with alternating verses of seventeen and fourteen onji, i.e. not haiku after haiku. but yeah the gear-shifting is not smooth at all here. >>
Somewhere in this comment thread, :devmdog2: explained that they were deliberately trying to get away from the traditional renga formatting. It's understandable, I suppose, but I still think it could have been more smoothly executed.
<< excuse me, but that sounds like something that could easily become an excuse for disregarding and disrespecting the haiku spirit, rather than an explanation for differences between japanese and english haiku. >>
I didn't mean such a thing.
A lot of people in the West consider haiku to equal 5/7/5, or 7/10, because that's how they identify poetry. If one were forced to define poetry, one could say that it is a piece of writing that uses visuals and sounds, not just the words themselves, to describe something. The central difference between poetry and prose is that poetry uses trappings like verse, rhyme, rhythm, alliteration, meter, and so forth--even to the point of mis-arranging and misspelling words in order to create an overall feeling. Prose, on the other hand, makes use of sentences, punctuation, and paragraphs. The central difference is not length or content, but arrangement. Because of that, stylized poetry is often regarded as being limited in how you can arrange the words, but within the limitations, you can say what you like.
Like I said before, the sonnet is traditionally dedicated to love poetry. But really, all that makes a sonnet is lines of verse in iambic pantameter, with the rhyme scheme only variating between the English and Italian styles. And if these requirements are not met, then it is not a sonnet.
I don't view this point of view to be a bad thing, necessarily, but you are certainly entitled to your opinion, as poetry is a topic that is quite open to debate.
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and what I forgot to mention was that the continuity of these poems is severely mangled by the inane "introducing.." texts between each contributor's piece. could the names and poems of the contributors not have been mentioned in the description, to let the collaboration carry itself along?
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I'm glad you like it. Thank you very much! 
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And you guys have done it well too!
I've followed your rengas for a year now (or almost a year I think ) and I was always amazed at them!!
You guys rocks!!
Congrats on the daily dev! it's well deserved guys!
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Thank you, darlin'.
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I can't write!!! That's you guys that can lol
I like to sit back and admire.
I am so happy for you guys
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*laughs* I suppose I'll let that stand, then. 
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Wow.... I think I added my verse in last year?
Long time. ^^
Woah.
I'm definately going to drag my fingers across the keyboard and do it again!
It's rufty tufty.
Hi curio!
May your keyboard never stop getting poked!
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*laughs* Thanks, flappability. I'm looking forward to seeing you in the next one.
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Hurrah! Another renga completed! As always, it was my pleasure to be a part of it, minimal though my participation was in this one. I'll get it into my gallery asap.
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