Comments: 31
Seeker-Mar [2010-04-19 03:42:00 +0000 UTC]
I think you should consider continuing this story. This is a very intriguing opening. I really like how you described his smell or lack thereof. It lets the reader know a lot about him without a lot of words. I also like the way Kaylin described the people steering. It made me think that there was some underlying guilt in her besides what she was hiding under her jacket. This almost feels like the beginning of a sci-fi story to me with the intriguing bandages and talk of infection.
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JessaMar [2010-04-01 22:44:55 +0000 UTC]
This is very intriguing, and I would like to see where it goes...
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BibliolepticAttack [2010-01-25 14:17:02 +0000 UTC]
I love the phrase "amputated novels" too. Thank you so much for the read. I feel like this sometimes. You've put it in words perfectly.
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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Dancing-Taigan [2010-01-27 19:54:21 +0000 UTC]
Oops, scratch that last part, thinking of someone else. xP Too much stuff in my inbox. @.@
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Halatia [2010-01-24 14:54:44 +0000 UTC]
This is a great piece. I loved the description of Abel, especially, and the way you used Kaylin’s observations to continuously describe him. And great use of surrioundings to flesh out the characters as well. I especially liked how you showed their ages instead of just saying “They were far apart in age,” because it showed both the age and the hostility they had to face.
A couple of small things:
The wound, the bandages-they feel like a brand
I’m not sure a hyphen goes there. Well, no, I know a hyphen doesn’t go there, but I think you meant it as a dash, and I’m not sure a dash goes there. That said, I’m terrible with dashes!
It isn't hard to convince him she's not hungry. It's true anyway; she's not.
I find this to be an odd ending for the piece. It just sort of stops without any resolution. Unless the ‘hunger’ was a metaphor for something up earlier in the piece that I missed and/or I’m missing a glaring bit of subtext. Does it have to do with the wound, like, maybe a side effect of whatever it is? Leaving it with the “not hungry” is a bit unsatisfying. Now all I can think is “Why isn’t she hungry? Why?” and I’ve forgotten everything else in the piece. This could, however, be because I’m obsessive.
I love the characters. Great job!
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Dancing-Taigan In reply to zephyrwolfen [2010-01-24 13:03:49 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! ^.^ I think I'll write about some of my real characters in the future, though. This story was painful and bland to write. @_@
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StormyWolf [2010-01-24 10:24:28 +0000 UTC]
LMAO @ Shycraft XD
I'm thinking either AIDS/HIV or Cancer...
Other than that, I didn't really get much out of this piece. A bit slow and dry (or maybe too fluffy?) and it didn't tell me much about the characters.
Thanks for the read.
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KCKinny [2010-01-24 05:37:19 +0000 UTC]
She got bit by a zombie!
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ColorfulGreyscale [2010-01-24 00:41:08 +0000 UTC]
Well, that's quite interesting! As always, Tara, I'm intrigued by what little you give us and what large amount of information goes unsaid. It's very short, so I haven't formed much opinion about the characters, but I can appreciate their situation and start to wonder more about it.
I look forward to seeing more of your writing up here. :3 Maybe I'll finally put some up. ><
...Or maybe I'll just continue looking at yours. xD
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