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Dancing-Taigan — Florida Apples
Published: 2010-01-24 00:10:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 498; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 3
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Description       Their Denny's sits in a clean, quiet part of the city, with a Popeyes, Perkins, and Seven-eleven for neighbors. Trimmed palm trees yawn above their heads in the cast of fresh Florida sunlight. Kaylin yawns too, on Abel's right arm, leaning into the subtle hills of his muscles.
He laughs, rests his left hand on her head.
     "You're tired?"
     "A bit... I don't know why."
     She watches his lips fold into each other, hidden in the groomed, dark blonde hairs of his beard. His chest rises, then falls in a heavy sigh, and he ruffles her hair before letting his hand fall back at his slacks. Even though the sun is already warm, she wears a light jacket to cover the bandage. Abel says that people will panic if they see, because they're too damn paranoid about getting infected. But as they walk into the clinking of plates and the smell of meats, eggs, maple syrup, his muscles rise like hackles, stiff against her clutching arms and the side of her face.  
     The wound, the bandages-they feel like a brand, an evil mark baking beneath her sweater. She clenches tighter to Abel, tries to convince herself; the eyes are glancing, not staring. They don't know. They can't know. And nothing's wrong with her. She's not one of the paranoid idiots.  
In the far corner, a woman leans over to her companion and mutters something into her ear. Kaylin's face warms. She prays they are talking about the usual, how she's "young enough to be his daughter" or trying to figure out if she is his daughter.  
     She glances at Abel. He's reading the menu even though he'll get pancakes, and he'll share with her because she'll only want one. But he always reads the menu, and always with that serious, creased expression, so she can't tell what he's thinking. She closes her eyes and presses back against his cotton shirt, which, like always, has no smell. His deodorant is unscented, cologne nonexistent, his professor's role only casting his breath with the occasional whiff of hot chocolate, coffee, tea, some quick hot drink never consistent enough to label him.
Abel orders the usual, and when the waitress sets the plate of pancakes onto the table, he slides the top cake onto her empty plate. She stares down at the butter running yellow and watery against the deep amber syrup, and watches them both soak into her pancake like stagnant water on old wood. The butter smells sharp, the syrup rotting sweet, and soon, her mouth waters not from hunger, but from nausea.
     "Kaylin?" Abel pauses with knife and fork poised. The crease between his eyebrows darkens. "You all right?"  
     She nods. "Yeah. I just... I don't know. I'm not really hungry."
     He just stares with his brows furrowed until she turns her eyes down to the soggy pancake, then he returns to his food. It isn't hard to convince him she's not hungry. It's true anyway; she's not.
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Comments: 31

Seeker-Mar [2010-04-19 03:42:00 +0000 UTC]

I think you should consider continuing this story. This is a very intriguing opening. I really like how you described his smell or lack thereof. It lets the reader know a lot about him without a lot of words. I also like the way Kaylin described the people steering. It made me think that there was some underlying guilt in her besides what she was hiding under her jacket. This almost feels like the beginning of a sci-fi story to me with the intriguing bandages and talk of infection.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Seeker-Mar [2010-04-30 20:34:39 +0000 UTC]

Oh really? Well thank you so much! I think enough people have said I should continue (or said this is too short) to motivate me to do so.
And I'm glad you picked up on the infection. It's funny that I keep forgetting about it until people comment on it, and that was what I'd centered the idea around. o_0
Anyway, thank you again for the feedback. I appreciate it very much. And the llama badge!

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Seeker-Mar In reply to Dancing-Taigan [2010-05-03 01:31:36 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome. I enjoyed reading it.

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JessaMar [2010-04-01 22:44:55 +0000 UTC]

This is very intriguing, and I would like to see where it goes...

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to JessaMar [2010-04-03 01:32:15 +0000 UTC]

Why thank you, I'm very glad you think so. In that case, I think I'll upload more eventually. ^^

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oathkeeper-auctor [2010-02-03 15:03:50 +0000 UTC]

It's an interesting opening, though it could go anywhere from here really, which is good and bad in a way.

Kaylin's wound could be anything, or there could be world-wide panic about a disease, about vampires or werewolves, or any other fantastical creature attacking them.

But I think it would have been nicer to have a bit more information about Kaylin and Abel, the implication is they're in a relationship, but it's open-ended as to whether they are just friends.

Effective use of showing and not telling for the workshop exercise, but for me it leaves me wanting a bit more info.

Good piece overall though, especially for your first literature submission - keep up the good work

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to oathkeeper-auctor [2010-02-04 17:30:06 +0000 UTC]

I think your critique sums up how I feel about this piece the most, that it needs more in there.
Thanks so much for the kind comments and critique.

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RBMIfan [2010-01-31 17:46:40 +0000 UTC]

Haha, maybe I read to much sci-fi but the first thing I thought when reading this was that it's either a slow start to a zombie apocalypse or one of those diseases that turn people into vampires But even if I'm wrong, this was a great piece. I love the atmosphere to it, even if there wasn't much time to develop the characters.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to RBMIfan [2010-01-31 18:31:15 +0000 UTC]

Aww, thank you sooo much! ^^
And you're on the right track, actually.

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neurotype-on-discord [2010-01-29 06:05:06 +0000 UTC]

I want to know more--there's definitely enough here to speculate, and I love comparing my guess to whatever was really intended. Great job with the descriptions; 'subtle hills' for muscles just sounds fantastic.
Oddly enough, I felt like I learned more about Abel than Kaylin; I don't know if this was intentional, but it seems as though her exhaustion from her injury is sapping some of her personality, although her observations are quite clear.

I assume you'll be submitting more literature, too.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to neurotype-on-discord [2010-01-29 18:59:16 +0000 UTC]

Thanks a lot!
Well, it wasn't intentional in a deep, writerly sort of way where I meant something metaphorical by it. xP But I did kind of want to focus on describing one character. Had nothing to do with her injury. xD I don't really like the choice, though. Oh well, thanks for the feedback!

I sure will.

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LittleRedShany [2010-01-29 00:59:19 +0000 UTC]

whooa you are a seriously talented writer! I would love to see more of what you come up with
fantastic descriptions and mood in this, i definitely could feel what the characters felt, great imagery! Awesome work

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to LittleRedShany [2010-01-29 01:37:11 +0000 UTC]

Awww, thank you so much, I really appreciate that! ^.^=

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Spasm101 [2010-01-28 00:40:10 +0000 UTC]

I have nothing to critique on. ^-^ great job, though it makes me wonder what the bandage is for, and if she has a dangerous disease.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Spasm101 [2010-01-28 02:26:05 +0000 UTC]

Aww, thanks a lot!
Hehe, well, you could say that...

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BibliolepticAttack [2010-01-25 14:17:02 +0000 UTC]

I love the phrase "amputated novels" too. Thank you so much for the read. I feel like this sometimes. You've put it in words perfectly.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to BibliolepticAttack [2010-01-27 19:47:48 +0000 UTC]

Hehe xP You're welcome.
Aww, thanks so much and thanks a ton for the favorite!

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Dancing-Taigan [2010-01-27 19:54:21 +0000 UTC]

Oops, scratch that last part, thinking of someone else. xP Too much stuff in my inbox. @.@

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Halatia [2010-01-24 14:54:44 +0000 UTC]

This is a great piece. I loved the description of Abel, especially, and the way you used Kaylin’s observations to continuously describe him. And great use of surrioundings to flesh out the characters as well. I especially liked how you showed their ages instead of just saying “They were far apart in age,” because it showed both the age and the hostility they had to face.

A couple of small things:

The wound, the bandages-they feel like a brand

I’m not sure a hyphen goes there. Well, no, I know a hyphen doesn’t go there, but I think you meant it as a dash, and I’m not sure a dash goes there. That said, I’m terrible with dashes!

It isn't hard to convince him she's not hungry. It's true anyway; she's not.

I find this to be an odd ending for the piece. It just sort of stops without any resolution. Unless the ‘hunger’ was a metaphor for something up earlier in the piece that I missed and/or I’m missing a glaring bit of subtext. Does it have to do with the wound, like, maybe a side effect of whatever it is? Leaving it with the “not hungry” is a bit unsatisfying. Now all I can think is “Why isn’t she hungry? Why?” and I’ve forgotten everything else in the piece. This could, however, be because I’m obsessive.

I love the characters. Great job!

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Halatia [2010-01-24 16:08:19 +0000 UTC]

First of all, I'd like to say thank you so much for putting so much into your review! It was extremely helpful and I really appreciate it.
On the first note, I did mean to put a dash... oops. xP And I think you're right. A plain old comma would have been better.

On the second note, I was hinting at the wound, but yeah... I didn't like the ending either. Wrapping things up is one of my biggest weaknesses. D: I write amputated novels (with incomplete chapters) instead of complete scenes/short stories. Must work on that. ><
But anyhow, thank you so so so so much for the helpful feedback and the nice, encouraging comments. I'm so happy to know that I did -something- right with my first submission.

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Halatia In reply to Dancing-Taigan [2010-01-24 16:12:47 +0000 UTC]

I love the phrase "amputated novels." Just awesome. Wrapping things up is my weakness, too. If stories could just go on forever, that would be great!

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to Halatia [2010-01-24 16:50:17 +0000 UTC]

Hehe, thank you.
It would be... x333

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zephyrwolfen [2010-01-24 12:51:13 +0000 UTC]

Very interesting! I'd like to read more of this - your description is wonderful

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to zephyrwolfen [2010-01-24 13:03:49 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! ^.^ I think I'll write about some of my real characters in the future, though. This story was painful and bland to write. @_@

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zephyrwolfen In reply to Dancing-Taigan [2010-01-24 13:05:42 +0000 UTC]

You're very welcome

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StormyWolf [2010-01-24 10:24:28 +0000 UTC]

LMAO @ Shycraft XD

I'm thinking either AIDS/HIV or Cancer...

Other than that, I didn't really get much out of this piece. A bit slow and dry (or maybe too fluffy?) and it didn't tell me much about the characters.

Thanks for the read.

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to StormyWolf [2010-01-24 13:01:59 +0000 UTC]

Hehe, even though I won't continue, I won't tell you the answer... XP
Yaaa, that's how I felt when I was writing it. T'was like crapping out cement poop. No inspiration whatsoever. ><

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KCKinny [2010-01-24 05:37:19 +0000 UTC]

She got bit by a zombie!

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to KCKinny [2010-01-24 13:02:14 +0000 UTC]

Lol! Maybeee

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ColorfulGreyscale [2010-01-24 00:41:08 +0000 UTC]

Well, that's quite interesting! As always, Tara, I'm intrigued by what little you give us and what large amount of information goes unsaid. It's very short, so I haven't formed much opinion about the characters, but I can appreciate their situation and start to wonder more about it.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing up here. :3 Maybe I'll finally put some up. ><

...Or maybe I'll just continue looking at yours. xD

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Dancing-Taigan In reply to ColorfulGreyscale [2010-01-24 13:06:55 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. Next time I think I'll write about my characters. I was painfully uninspired while writing this. xx'
Hehe, you shooould. XP

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