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DearPoetry ā Shy moon,
Published: 2012-12-16 20:56:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 8488; Favourites: 461; Downloads: 39
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i've got love carved into honeysuckle wrists,a murder of crows in my throat,
& a pack of wolves at my back.
i want to know truths behind these myth eyes, &
the distant galaxies under your fingertips.
but, love me. love me, Love.
show me what's beyond Grimm fairy tales
& scars.
spare me your ribs;
this skyscraper heart
needs a place to go.
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Comments: 102
I've never been personally fond of the use of titles as first lines, but I think it works in styles like this where the narrator addresses a titular subject. Your imagery is quite obviously your strongest point, and each carefully chosen one enhances your tone.
Your syntax is good overall. I'm fond of your capitalization; it emphasizes the grammar very well in your third stanza and allows for the anaphora which, again, emphasizes the longing sensation. However, your line breaks seem slightly inconsistent. In your first and third stanzas your ampersand comes at the beginning of a line, but in the second it comes at the end of the line. I think you might consider moving the one in the second stanza, which also leaves punctuation at the end of that line (like most others). As it is now, you're essentially emphasizing the word "and". I'd be fond of some parallelism between "eyes" and "fingertips".
I'm also slightly confused by your last two stanzas. Your images are still beautiful, and although I'm used to more traditional syntax I can understand that the smaller text does a good job of quieting the statement. However, I'm unsure of what the function of having "spare me your ribs" as its own stanza is. I would think that you would keep it together as a single stanza so as to maintain cohesion between the last two stanzas. Was there a purpose you had in mind? You're definitely a much better poet than I am, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just missing something.
All in all, this is mostly nit-picking. Your idea was brilliant, you communicated it well with perfectly selected archetypal image combinations (which is why I have a problem with "originality" being a category here), and overall it did a great job at what you meant it to. Definitely worth the read! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/sā¦ " width="15" height="15" alt="
š: 0 ā©: 0
I don't mean to come across as the big bad wolf- no pun intended- but... I really don't see anything spectacular about this. It's quite a tragic excuse really... I don't understand these simpletons who hype on about these works that actually suck.
Critique time...
"I've got love carved into honeysuckle wrists (TYPICAL TEEN), a murder of crows in my throat (Desperate attempt at analogy), & a pack of wolves at my back... (Lack lustre)
"I want to know the truth behind these myth eyes" (did you bother to read back on this to realise the error?).
"the distant galaxies under your fingertips (was pretty damn good actually- bravo for that)
"but, love me. love me, Love ('l' 'L'- 'L' 'l')
Next line has great potential "the distant galaxies under your fingertips"
"spare me your ribs; this skyscaper heart needs a place to go" (what the hell! Delete that tripe! It actually made me cringe!)
š: 0 ā©: 1
Okay, I'm just going to clarify some things.
1. I have 'LOVE' tattooed on my wrist. Literally. That line is referring to that.
2. A group of crows is called a murder of crows. Symbolizing my lack of a voice.
3. A pack of wolves is another personal reference.
4. I personally think the line, "I want to know truths..." sounds better without 'the'.
5. If you noticed I didn't capitalize anything other then proper nouns. ( And I was paying homage to e.e. cummings. )
6. As for the last line, it's my favorite and I'm not deleting it. So, cringe away.
But, thank you for the small compliment.
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I have to say, great job, you went above and beyond with this poem.
You knew where you were going with this, and you made sure you got there. I love most of all of your work I read, and you have a great talent.
Your a great writer, and you know how to choose all the write words. I hope to see more poems like this one from you.
This poem really got me wanting to read more and more of your work, keep up your good work, it will get you somewhere in life, just never give up.
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You deserve these stars. I have never been touched more deeply by any poems, never in my short life. You have real potential as an author. We need more people like you who can turn basic words and phrases into an illustrious image inside someone's head without even using descriptions.
I could turn this into a whole scene in my mind. I love the words you used and the references. It made me feel lost. Not a lot of poems do that.
I love this piece, and will continue to love it for as long as I exist.
Happy Holidays.
~Dragon
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Simply amazing. Quite beautiful. This poem has that feeling of a lover that wishes for someone to love him back. You do deserve the 20/20, no doubt of it.
I loved this poem, and I know I will love any other poems you make. Keep it up. Althouhg I don't trust love anymore, perhaps you'll make me try one more time to feel that dangerous but beautiful sensation. People like you are those who are ment to be called "poet(ess)".
I loved it, I loved it, I loved it, I loved it, I loved it!!
Just a tip: to make it look more "decent", you should write the fisrt letter of each verse with initial capital letters.
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And I honestly mean everyone of the 20/20 stars I gave this poem.
the way it's worded is beautiful and amazing, I think you should publish a book of your poems! they're so original yet so beautifully worded it's like taking a walk in your imagination because of the amazing detail and description you use!
You aren't obcessed with comments or faves, you write because you're a writer and I love that, I love the way you write and i hope you never stop!
seriously I could read your poetry for ever and still not have enough, you're exactly the person I want to meet in real life.
xxxx
Celestia.
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Can't believe I never saw this amazing poem.Ā
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such a sense of the vast & the personal, something wanting to burst out of its shell...
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"honeysuckle wrists" you are a genious. wish I knew you.
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Aww! I'm not all that special.
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Hide that you bloody fascist! Stepping all over my rights for freedom of speech! Why, no wonder you have all the bloody praise... any critique you delete!
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I'm not looking for drama.
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Oh my goodness this poem reminded me why I miss having internet so much. You can be gone forever but come back and find something amazing like this! Kudos to your talent.
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I don't know how many times I can just write how beautiful your poems are. But they are! Purely magnificent. and this one is no different. I love it, especially because I can relate to it so much. It fits my recent mood perfectly.
"but, love me. love me, Love.
show me what's beyond Grimm fairy tales
& scars." I love this!
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Thank you! I like those lines as well.
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This is a little disjointed, but the imagery is very provocative. This is certainly the most moving poem I've read in some time-- well done!
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Yeah, it might need a little work. Thank you!
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I have to admit this poem has great tone
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I really enjoyed it, bravo hope to read more haha
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Something about this poem really struck me. Wonderful writing.
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Bloody imbecile
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I'm not an imbecile. I'm merely complimenting the writer on her work. If you have a problem with people being nice, then you're going to find a lot of problems in the world, and your life.
š: 0 ā©: 1
If you was talking about a childs drawing, yes, by all means praise and give confidence. Because their skills can develop and thrive. But why give false hope to someone old enough to know where their creativity lies? The writer is amateur. And all this praise on that work is ridiculous. It's not even sincere! If it were, I'd say 'to each to their own'. But you're just jumping on board with the masses. If you keep following everyone else then you're going to find a lot of dissatisfaction in the world, and your life! There is nothing at all in being nice, but you could be nice by nodding and moving on. You don't have to give throwaway comments like 'best work ever!'. Could you be any more patronising? Or perhaps you are that immature thinking. Or, like I said before... a simpleton.
š: 0 ā©: 1
Just because I think this poem is written well doesn't mean that I'm a simpleton, or that I go with the crowd. You have no idea who I am, what I like, dislike, or what I go through. Before you judge, or insult someone, you might want to take a second to think. Think before you speak, or in this case: write.
The reason I said that this was wonderful writing was because I feel that I understand what the writer is talking about. Or maybe I don't, and have taken a completely different meaning to what this poem means. That's the beauty of it. Isn't that what a poetry writer strives for? To have people take their own meanings on what they write? That's what I believe. So in my terms, I never gave this writer false hope, because I speak truth when I give writers feedback.
And so what if this writer is an amateur? Everyone has to start from the bottom to get to the top. If you really wanted to have this writer acknowledge your thoughts, maybe you should have told them. And maybe say it more nicely, not just plain insults. This writer will never get better if you don't give them constructive criticism, that's how every writer gets better. I was being nice, by telling the writer what I felt about the poem. Just as you. But like you, I was not content in just nodding and moving on; I'm not going to be another sheep in the herd.
And another thing- who said I think this was the 'best work ever'? I would really appreciate it if you would not put words in my mouth. I don't believe that my comment was something that was a 'throwaway' comment, no matter how minuscule it is. I'm a writer, and every comment I get counts, no matter the length, or the content.
What question though is why you think the writer isn't sincere? What if they are, and you just don't understand what they mean? I'm not saying that you are incompetent at understanding literature, no I can tell just by how you say things that you are incredibly intelligent. But is the concept completely new to you? Or maybe it's because you and the writer are two completely different people, and think in entirely different ways. To put it as you have, to each their own.
You have every right to think this way, and say what you feel; its basic human right to have your own thoughts on anything, even if people don't like it.
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You're alright... lol.
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You're welcome!
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show me whats beyond Grimm fairy tales
---
*what's
*fairytales
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Fixed what's, but fairy tales is correct, that is the title of the book.
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wow finally good poetry on the front page. insta watch
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This beauty is on a whole other level.
Your simply fantastic! The way you weave your words in such sentences and phrases leave me speechless.
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