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DennisBoots — Interim
Published: 2014-05-16 01:40:21 +0000 UTC; Views: 279; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Darkness has become my pillow, despair is now my food.Separation is my gospel, and vainglory is for fools.
The lamp unto my feet is fading, as I walk to my demise.
The hope that I once had, is filled with my own lies.
As I walk through my vainglory,
prayers are ashes in my mouth.
My thoughts are of this world,
and my heart is filled with doubt.
The desert of my emotions, is where I live and breathe.
There is nothing for me here, so why do I believe?
My life is a mirage, just a fantasy for me.
The beliefs that I held dear, are now consuming me.
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Comments: 2
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets , stopping by because you requested a critique for this.
The hope that I once had, is filled with my own lies.
***Overall, your rhythm is very good, but I think this line would read better like this (or similar):
The hope that I once had is filled now with my lies.
The desert of my emotions, is where I live and breathe.
***Don't need comma here
The beliefs that I held dear, are now consuming me.
***Consider editing this line to:
The beliefs I once held dear, are now consuming me.
You have a gift for poetry, that's for sure! Great job, and don't let this one be the only one you write now that you're back in the saddle. Keep at it!
Sean
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