Comments: 12
Ishoam [2016-12-02 11:39:04 +0000 UTC]
Love this story so far! I'm quite behind in my Felarya readings, but I'm really liking this one! It's got good pacing, goes well into detail about the main character's daily life and how he got set up in Felarya. Though I do wonder if that reference about the guy who used to work at the Sushi place before Caigo is a reference to something?
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Ishoam In reply to deviant324 [2016-12-02 12:12:21 +0000 UTC]
Color me impressed! English is one of the hardest languages to learn, especially as a second language. What is your mother tongue if I may ask?
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Ishoam In reply to deviant324 [2016-12-03 09:04:07 +0000 UTC]
Funny how that works out. I credit my English skills because I've played video games all my life and RP a lot XD
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deviant324 In reply to Ishoam [2016-12-03 09:55:56 +0000 UTC]
Video games and more recently anime have probably helped me as well haha
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Leena-Crimson-Terror [2016-11-22 17:21:01 +0000 UTC]
Te he he! Silly Caigo. Neko tails are just like cat tails...ubless you happen to meet one who's building sized~
Very interesting story. Adventure left and right, observations from an off worlder and especially the fairy park itself.Leena has never heard of a live fairy making into Negav outside of two Crimson Maidens by the names of Xanthe and Mara and ofcourse a few Dusk Nymphs. Seems these little ones are less lucky though.
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david-dent-jedai [2016-11-14 01:49:08 +0000 UTC]
Hoo boy I haven't had to give a review like this in ages...
I think you are a good writer, but need polish on actual sentence structure. You use the coma too often. It breaks the sentence itself and makes it choppy and hard to analyze which breaks the spell a writer is meant to weave around their audience. This. Is. A. Killer. You must learn to use your coma's properly and not chop your, that is to say, with regard to, sentences into bits. Other than that? You are a fantastic writer! You did Negav proud representing it quite well both visually and spiritually. Felt as if I were pounding the streets with our n00b Caigo. I loved his reaction to every little thing. Especially his somewhat disappointed reaction when he touched a neko's tail. Most would have excepted a sense of wonder but you did a good anti-climatic bit there showing how it'd really be. XD
Now your little experiment with having fairies inside Negav at first made me want to lecture you about the Eye and caution you to re-read the article but you showed a bit of tech, magi-tech I assume, and I said "Oh well I guess that works". Though you should keep in mind the Eye doesn't repell predators with magic or suppress their magic. It is designed to drive them away. It's not a barrier or a magic removal net, though those are nice ideas for a defenses he said totally not stealing them.
A final note is when the fairy spoke to Caigo I had a flash back to Five Nights at Freddy's Sister Location. Every time she spoke I heard Baby's voice. "Trust me. We need your help."....*Shudders* I do rather hope Caigo doesn't come to regret freeing these fairies. I mean part of me knows there's nothing they can do, what with the way the Eye works, but part of me fears that they could end up hurting him and poor little Aisha too.
All in all? Very fun read, well written and minimal annoyances from your use of comas. Very awesome!
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deviant324 In reply to david-dent-jedai [2016-11-14 05:11:07 +0000 UTC]
Hehe thanks a lot!
I know I have somewhat of an issue with comas, one of my teachers had me explain a sentance in an exam to him because I had too many sub clauses in there (my first language is german)
The reqctions are somewhat natural to me by now since i sometimes feel like the behavior of certain characters of mine may sometimes not make a lot of sense on first glance, thus requiring some thoughts on other options, which in turn ends up breaking the flow every now and then I think I've even found a couple spots when I did proofreading on the last couple of pages this time because I read it out loud for once, but since I did the majority of it at work, that wasn't really an option for the most part.
The thing about the devices was that they basically nullify their magic, just like cages and similar traps that fairyhunters use to get fairies into the city to sell them and what not. I've even had a story (my second halloween special) where a fairy hunter brings a fairy into bis home using such a cage, then proceeds to open it, thus killing her because the moment her powers return, the Eye is repelling her at full force. Same thing basically happened to Fionee (god I still thing the name is too japanese haha), since she managed to destroy the device while still being inside the city.
The last bit of your comment and the fave left me wondering though, did you see that part 2 is up as well?
I reached my goal of having to break the story into two pieces for the second time here (almost into 3 I believe) after all
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Terrorofland1086 [2016-11-13 05:57:29 +0000 UTC]
I liked it. some choppy flow that appears due to being in someone's thoughts but a good story nonetheless.
9.5/10
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