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Glass
Published: 2012-10-21 16:27:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 6164; Favourites: 327; Downloads: 1022
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Description
I always laugh when you refer to me as glass.Not just because of the way you say it,
(glass-as-in-gas).
Or because I know it's a crack at my fragility.
Glass is pure.
I am like granite -
my body nullified from too many clashing traits.
Glass is transparent.
I am like clay -
illegible from all the plastered smiles.
Glass is unyielding.
I am like chalk -
easily broken and scuffed away by meagre things.
Glass is hung up on walls and in great cathedrals,
tinted for enhancement, but only ever painted on by fools.
I am hidden behind keypads and camera lenses,
coated in a thick paste of deceptiveness.
No, my love,
I was never glass. (Despite my fragility)
Call me granite or clay or chalk
and be done with me.
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Comments: 79
It's the truth from my point of view
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I will be critiquing this piece on behalf ofa.deviantart.net/avatars/s/u/s… " alt=" " title="SuperWritersHelp" />
Firstly, I love the way you draw the reader in with your first ST by explaining the 'glass-as-in-gas' pronunciation.
Now, the crit:e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="
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ST 1, L4 - 'either' isn't needed here because you have just started a new sentence and are not comparing the crack to anything else yet.
ST 5 L1 - you need a comma after 'cathedrals' otherwise you are implying that the cathedrals are tinted and not the glass.
ST 6 L1 - again a comma is needed here after 'lenses' for the same reason as above.
I love the contrast between the different elements of the glass with the granite, clay and chalk. You have done well to continue your metaphor throughout the piece.
Personally I would remove the third lines of both ST 5 and 6, as they seem unneeded in a way, and almost get in the way of the message you are trying to bring through.
Overall, a really good piece.
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Thank you so much!
I'll get down to changing these things.
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i kinda wanted to see the unedited one also
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Sorry, I don't remember it
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Hello from the writers club! a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w… " alt=" " title="Writers--club" />
I see that you've already been critiqued on this so I'm going to keep this quite short. When I give critiques I always try my best to actually criticize, but, I only have praise for you. This is a beautiful piece of work. I love your use of punctuation (so many poets forget to use it at all). I thought the way you used the glass metaphor throughout your entire poem was genius. This is a such an original and captivating poem. It was a pleasure to read your work, keep up the great work.
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Thank you, this was great to read
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An excellent metaphor of glass versus chalk. I like how you contrasted aspects of glass with characteristics of chalk. it would flow better if you kept to this compare and contrast scheme throughout the whole piece.
Your vocabulary choice is very nice. I like how in one stanza you use words such as "cathedral" and "enchantment" and in the next one use terms such as "paste" and "keypads". It is a nice contrast that parallels the preexisting contrast between glass and chalk.
To make this piece even better, I would suggest working on the flow and rhythm, because it was a little difficult to follow parts of it. The ending, though, is a perfect wrapping-up of the whole piece. Succinct and simple.
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Thank you for this!
You're right about that, I see exactly what you mean about the chalk, it is a much better contrast for the glass as opposed to the other things I've written. I'll work on changing the others to suite it better.
Reading it through again I'll work on the flow as well.
Very helpful, I love critiques.
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This is as beautiful now as it was to me when I read it 2 years ago. I know neither of us have been very active on the site, but I do hope you're still writing. You have a real gift and I'm glad you received the DD - as you are infinitely deserving of it - so others could read your work. If you return to the site and see this, whatever month or year it may be when you do, know that I am and always will be your fan.
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Thank you so much, this meant a lot!
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my apologies if the comment is a repeat and for my lack of remembering the technical terminology
at magical joey: the comma after cathedrals is irrelevant because of the following syntactical device: The tourists who knew of the flood took a different route. (compared to) The tourists, who knew of the flood, took a different route.
the comma simply differentiates which tourists are included in the description following the noun 'tourists'. same for cathedrals. writer of this piece would need to place the quality of tinted and such following glass. same for the following stanza
as per grammatical usage, no rudeness intended c:
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I'm sorry? I'm confused.
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the other guy made an incorrect analysis of your grammar, so i corrected that. i didn't know how to reply to him personally, but i saw you'd possibly edited your piece regarding his comments about commas
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Oh right! Now I see what you mean
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sorry for any confusion or clutter on your piece
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I love how you used the concept of contradiction in every simile in this piece. Lovely.
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This is so bluntly true, for everyone. Even the fragile things are made of rocks.
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Congrats on the well deserved DD! 
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't was my pleasure
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i'm sure i've heard this before. i know i have. this has been written before.
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A day before I submit it so Oct. 20 2012
Is it somewhere else?
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definitely. i have definitely seen this. the part about chalk has been used word for word before. no question
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Oh, could you link me where?
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