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Djoseph — Theme 11: Memory
Published: 2009-07-14 00:25:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 727; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 9
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Description
When the bus stoppedI looked out over
green fields of barley
and suddenly felt like running
my hands
through the ears.
But I remained in my seat
leaving a memory
waving at the stop
knowing it would be
wading through emerald waves
without me.
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Comments: 75
Thanks. Then I think I'll settle for it.
I can only agree that #2 feels better after re-reading it now for the first time in some months.
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The break really works here; 'you' made a choice, it needs to be signified.
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Well formulated. 
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It is interesting that I see two types of poets here; those willing to make changes based on commentary, and those who insist on defending the work as is. Too bad, really, because I know what it took for me to improve, i.e. other people reading and commenting on what was and wasn't working.
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I can agree on that for the most part, though there are exceptions as well. I'm not sure what's worse, that or people who criticise without knowing enough about the subject.
Personally I try to see each suggestion as a challenge to come up with something even better myself, since I still want it to be my poetry, though sometimes that's not possible.
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I think it unfortunate when a writer can't hear legitimate critique for whatever reason (and I know there may be many, but mostly these stem from insecurity). Of course, as you said, it has to be critique from someone that thought about it, and not just criticism (I only comment on work if I like it or I think my suggestion may improve it; usually I say nothing). Yes, a suggestion is a challenge to make it better, but it is possible that the suggestion is the one thing that will improve it (I've taken many just as offered). Since I choose to make the change, it's still mine. Since nothing happens in a vacuum, my best stuff is almost invariably those pieces in which I accepted feedback. As an editor as well as a writer, I believe in this process. I'll even go as far to say the 90% of the work of 99% (may be closer to 99.9%) writers' work can be improved by vigorous editing.
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Thanks.
I think dividing it in two stanzas did it for me too. The punctuation wasn't enough for me somehow. I think this version will prevail in the end.
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I prefer version two, but I think it would be improved by using "but I remained" instead of "I remained". It seems like "but" emphasizes your hesitance at remaining in your seat.
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You think so too? Great.
I like both the first and the second version for different reasons, but I consider this to be a bit of an experiment. I'll probably end up keeping both. Great to get so much feedback. Thanks a lot!
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This is extraordinary. We stand at a crossroad, trying to decide right or left, sending energy in both directions, eventually choosing, in a parallel reality, making the other choice, a metaphysical step beyond 'the road less-taken'.
If I might:
as the bus stopped
I looked out over
green fields of barley,
felt the sudden urge to run
my hands
through the ears
but I remained in my seat
and left
the memory (or perhaps 'the thought'
waving at the stop
knowing it
would be wading
through emerald waves
without me
The lines would have to be rearranged, but my suggestions on that count would be according to my ear. My 'total' edit would probably find a way to remove the 'I's.
Hope I haven't over-stepped.
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Hey! An answer finally.
Saying that this is extraordinary is really too kind. I'm just glad it touched you.
No need to worry about over-stepping. I'm mostly putting my things here to get comments so I can improve on them. And while I might have disregarded some of your suggestions, I did get rid of one more "I".
Thank you so much for the kind comment and the critique. It means the world to me that someone not only takes time to read my poetry, but to comment as well.
And sorry about taking so long to answer.
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Very cool. I like the no punctuation version.
How about:
green fields of barley
felt the sudden urge to run
my hands
This a avoids using 'like' and I think it more strongly suggests actual running before before getting to the 'haiku moment' provided by 'my hands'.
English is not your 1st language, right?
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It that obvious? 
I think I can agree with your suggestion, though I would go with "a" instead of "the". I kind of like the conjunction since it gives a slightly... narrative feel to it. I can't really justify the unnatural break that happens when you remove it.
Am I making sence here?
Look how it looks now and say what you think.
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Not at all. I wanted to comment on how well you handle the language. Writing a poem that subtle in a foreign language is an impressive feat.
Reading it again, I agree that 'a' is preferable.
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Still, the time spend shows; the poetry particularly. Joseph Conrad comes to mind.
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Ah, of course! Heart of Darnkess. That Joseph Conrad. Need to actually read something of his though...
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The point is that Conrad wasn't a native speaker of English.
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Aha. Well true, I read his bio yesterday.
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Be looking for you on the bestseller list.
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I hope we'll both live long enough to see me that.
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Perhaps we won't need to live THAT long.
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You have more faith in me than myself even.
Thanks.
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It's easier to have faith in others.
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True. Maybe because you don't know them as well as yourself.
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Perhaps. Perhaps also our perspective does not allow us to see ourselves accurately.
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True true. That's why I think being married is so awesome. We get to know each other and ourselves better at the same time.
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I understand that becomes even more true with kids, though I'll never know that.
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I guess it does.
Though I don't think it's right to use kids as some sort of glue when your marriage is going towards a crisis and even a possible breakdown. It might work for some couples, but to what price I wonder?
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Wasn't thinking about that actually; what I meant (i.e. what I've been told) is that being responsible for a child changes one in a way that has no comparison.
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That's how I interpreted it.
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Thanks.
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Featured in a friends journal, I didn't even notice it was you at first. Hi. I really like this and yes I know the feeling of letting a chance slide by. Why the lack of punctuation? I find it distracting that the first word isn't capitalized. I also like the idea of breaking it into two sentences. Like a period after ears, getting rid of "but" and then starting a new sentence. I would say left a memory instead of it left. And then I'd like a period at the end
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I'm glad to see that you and other people like it and can relate to this too. Then it feels like the poem was well worth the time, and well worth improving on.
Thank you for your kind comment and critique. You are actually pinpointing one of the things I find hard with poetry, and that is punctuation. Not sure why, but I never really cared for it before. I've also read a fair share of prosaic poetry that I didn't enjoy much. When I write I never write in grammatically complete sentences. Grammar comes afterwards. Depending on what type of poem it is of course.
That said I've taken what you said to heart and looked at what could be done. Here's my suggestion to punctuation. Did some other changes as well as you can see. The "it left" is actually Scotty-fish's suggestion, since it creates a bit of a double image of the bus leaving and the memory being left. Here I've taken it out but got another ambiguous line instead. Let's see if you can spot it:
When the bus stopped
I looked out over
green fields of barley
and suddenly felt like running
my hands
through the ears.
I remained in my seat
leaving a memory
waving at the stop
knowing it would be
wading through emerald waves
without me.
Any other suggestions regarding punctuation or other things?
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I guess it's the "it" in the third to last line. For me it's the memory wading throw the grass, but I guess it could be ambiguous or I've just missed it.
I really, really like this version. Very much. Now I think it has enough punctuation, which helps the flow. I think you have to strike a balance, too little and it's distracting, too much - also distracting.
No more suggestions, I really like it
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Yeah. That was the one I meant.
Perhaps a bit too ambiguous, but since you like this revision too I'll put it up for comparison.
Why the sad mood? Not feeling well?
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Well we do a lot of the times. We just tend to remember regrets quite a lot.
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That and most of those chances we take end up being not so great anyway, right?
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Well, probably not as great all the time. Depends on what we expect I suppose.
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Definitely. Though the opposite is prevalent as well.
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