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I could never forget the feeling of pure hatred. It stings, it brings that buzz to my finger tips and i feel that heavy feeling in my throat as if i was chocking. My mom, she never understood that she was the reaason i would cry myself to sleep sometimes. She was why i was drivin so far into the depression pit im in. She would yell at me for everything. she demanded too much at once. she was always on my case. My grades dropped, My wrist was constantly covered by worn down wrist bands to hide the cuts and burns. The scars all told theyer stories, some were ggod and some were bad. They each had a voice. each just reminded me how much ive bin through. and how no one would understand what its like to be me. Maybe if i wasnt so stupid i wouldnt of caused the painful memories that forever repeat in my head and make me speechless, the heavy feeling would fill my throat.I was in the 8th grade.
  I sliced my wrist the morning of tuesday while in the shower, the reason why was cuz my dad was drunk, it wasnt even 8 in the morning and already my dad was drunk. even though he promised to stop. and at the time i was already feeling depressed the last week or so before. I dragged myself out the door and to the bus stop to meet up with my friends.it was a normal day, we walked to the drug store right next to the bus stop and bought random snacks like we always did every morning. The bus came and we got on, nothing out of the ordinary. It wasnt till 3rd period where i made the mistake to sit in the front of the class on a day i forgot to bring my wrist band. the teacher had an assistant who sometimes tought us while our teacher was out. She saw my wrist and asked bout it. she told my teacher bout it, who the next day came up to me and told me to walk with her to the office, i always thought she liked me, whenever she left her assistant to teach and go to the office for an erran she would take me and talk to me. that day out conversation started with her saying "so i heard bout what you did to your wrist, and thats not good" I felt nervous but continued to pretend nothing was wrong. "so i aranged for you to go talk to the councler to see if that helps" i didnt speak, after she went through details and asked how i have bin i said i was fine, i told her i still went to alanon, a drinking program, even though i had stopped going. When we returned to the classroom i felt like i had just released all hell. I still went home like nothing had happened. it wasnt till the next day where i regreted ever showing up.
When it was 3rd period again i was called into the counclers office. He had me sit down, and he said this exactly " ok, whatever you say in this room will STAY in this room, i will not share anything you tell me to anyone else, not my wife (surprised) not your parents not my dog, this is a safe room" he said closing the door. I made the mistake to beleive him. after i had felt safe to talk, i told him how lately ive bin suicidal. i told him how i would be crying on the phone to my friend while holding a bottle of pills. After i told him all the details this was his response "ok so this concerns the law, if a report ot self harm or harm of someone else i have to tell your parents" i paniced, i began to beg him not to tell my parents, i was in tears telling and begging him not to call my mom. The way i was panicing i made it sound like i was going through some sorta child abuse,anytime he asked me why not to call her i simply replied "she'll be mad, she'll blame my friends, Please dont" i continued to beg and beg. I even threatened him i looked him in the eyes and said in a shaky voice " if you call her and tell her i SWEAR i will run away, i swear to you i will" that didnt stop him, he left thr room and said he would return, i thought maybe he'll let me go back to class and finish today at school. and after class i would take a differant bus and walk to a friends house and call my parents saying i wasnt coming home and run away to near by abandon warehouse.but my plan wasnt going to be that easy, the councler came in again, and following him was my mom. i began to cry and under my tears i said "oh no" she sat next to me, she ask me whats wrong, the councler told her EVERYTHING i had told him, even bout the threats. I was forced to sign a paper saying i wasnt gonna run away or killmyself, my mother signed it too. then she took me home. i felt like maybe she'll treat me differant. but if anything, it got worse.
  The following weekend she took me and my brother to a fast food place, and when she asked what i want, and i replied nothing she fliped out. her words after that never leave my head, she got in the car and just barked at me, i remember exactly what she said to me "You xant even pretend to be happy? your a bitch, oh poor little ines (my real name) poor this poor that, you just want everyone to feel sorry for you huh like this is a game, "oh im ines and im going to kill myself" well do it, i fucking dare you to do it. if you die oh well bye bye..." the tears flowed down my face. and my little brother to watch it. after maybe twenty mins of yelling i spoke in tears "im not hungry cuz i already ate" as i sobbed she was silent, you can tell she was really emberrised. she didnt know i had eatten or not. i really didnt eat that morning i just said that to shut her up. i was crying so hard i couldnt breath. i tried so hard to cry silently so she wouldnt get mad again. she drove to a mcdonald and got my brother food. i stayed in the car trying to control my sobbing. i cried myself to sleep that night.
  The next few days felt the same as usual. it wasnt till my brothers friend came over where trouble came again i was just messing around, all i did was joke around with my little brother, but he didnt see it as a joke, so i got in trouble, it was just one little white name call and she just cursed me out for what felt hours, i was sobbing and crying, after she stopped i went to my bed, and while everyone was busy getting ready for bed, i continued to cry while i approched the door, i was running away to my friends, her mom always loved me as her own. she told me if i ever needed a place to stay, i was welcome. I slipped out the door and i started to run, i ran and ran. when i got to her house, i just cried. i looked at her and said " i dont know what to do" they let me in and i felt safe to be there. i left my phone at home, i didnt think to take it. around ten, i was laying in bed with my friend. we were like sisters. i thought this would be perfect cuz my parents didnt know where my friends house was.
  around ten at night someone began to knock on the door. i was scared. when the door opened it was my parents. both crying. I had no choice so i went with them. on the way home they told me how my mom went to say sorry to me for once, and that she did over react. the one night she wanted to appoligize was the night i chose to run away. i went to bed promising i wasnt gonna run away anymore. I went to bed and went to school the next day like nothing happened.
Soon as i was at school all my friends came and asked if i was ok, everyone was looking for me the other night. My parents went to all my friends houses to find me. i explained what happened and soon the subject was dropped.
anytime my mom yells at me the only thing that i hear is what she told me to do in the car. how she DARED me to kill myself. it hurts from time to time. Now my depressions just way worse. I cant sleep till maybe 5 am. i cant eat, i became anerexic AGAIN. i cant keep my grades up. i get in more trouble at school then a gang member in a drug store. i still feel suicidal, but never as bad as then that week. I cant forget it.

Description
I could never forget the feeling of pure hatred. It stings, it brings that buzz to my finger tips and i feel that heavy feeling in my throat as if i was chocking. My mom, she never understood that she was the reaason i would cry myself to sleep sometimes. She was why i was drivin so far into the depression pit im in. She would yell at me for everything. she demanded too much at once. she was always on my case. My grades dropped, My wrist was constantly covered by worn down wrist bands to hide the cuts and burns. The scars all told theyer stories, some were ggod and some were bad. They each had a voice. each just reminded me how much ive bin through. and how no one would understand what its like to be me. Maybe if i wasnt so stupid i wouldnt of caused the painful memories that forever repeat in my head and make me speechless, the heavy feeling would fill my throat.I was in the 8th grade.
  I sliced my wrist the morning of tuesday while in the shower, the reason why was cuz my dad was drunk, it wasnt even 8 in the morning and already my dad was drunk. even though he promised to stop. and at the time i was already feeling depressed the last week or so before. I dragged myself out the door and to the bus stop to meet up with my friends.it was a normal day, we walked to the drug store right next to the bus stop and bought random snacks like we always did every morning. The bus came and we got on, nothing out of the ordinary. It wasnt till 3rd period where i made the mistake to sit in the front of the class on a day i forgot to bring my wrist band. the teacher had an assistant who sometimes tought us while our teacher was out. She saw my wrist and asked bout it. she told my teacher bout it, who the next day came up to me and told me to walk with her to the office, i always thought she liked me, whenever she left her assistant to teach and go to the office for an erran she would take me and talk to me. that day out conversation started with her saying "so i heard bout what you did to your wrist, and thats not good" I felt nervous but continued to pretend nothing was wrong. "so i aranged for you to go talk to the councler to see if that helps" i didnt speak, after she went through details and asked how i have bin i said i was fine, i told her i still went to alanon, a drinking program, even though i had stopped going. When we returned to the classroom i felt like i had just released all hell. I still went home like nothing had happened. it wasnt till the next day where i regreted ever showing up.
When it was 3rd period again i was called into the counclers office. He had me sit down, and he said this exactly " ok, whatever you say in this room will STAY in this room, i will not share anything you tell me to anyone else, not my wife (surprised) not your parents not my dog, this is a safe room" he said closing the door. I made the mistake to beleive him. after i had felt safe to talk, i told him how lately ive bin suicidal. i told him how i would be crying on the phone to my friend while holding a bottle of pills. After i told him all the details this was his response "ok so this concerns the law, if a report ot self harm or harm of someone else i have to tell your parents" i paniced, i began to beg him not to tell my parents, i was in tears telling and begging him not to call my mom. The way i was panicing i made it sound like i was going through some sorta child abuse,anytime he asked me why not to call her i simply replied "she'll be mad, she'll blame my friends, Please dont" i continued to beg and beg. I even threatened him i looked him in the eyes and said in a shaky voice " if you call her and tell her i SWEAR i will run away, i swear to you i will" that didnt stop him, he left thr room and said he would return, i thought maybe he'll let me go back to class and finish today at school. and after class i would take a differant bus and walk to a friends house and call my parents saying i wasnt coming home and run away to near by abandon warehouse.but my plan wasnt going to be that easy, the councler came in again, and following him was my mom. i began to cry and under my tears i said "oh no" she sat next to me, she ask me whats wrong, the councler told her EVERYTHING i had told him, even bout the threats. I was forced to sign a paper saying i wasnt gonna run away or killmyself, my mother signed it too. then she took me home. i felt like maybe she'll treat me differant. but if anything, it got worse.
  The following weekend she took me and my brother to a fast food place, and when she asked what i want, and i replied nothing she fliped out. her words after that never leave my head, she got in the car and just barked at me, i remember exactly what she said to me "You xant even pretend to be happy? your a bitch, oh poor little ines (my real name) poor this poor that, you just want everyone to feel sorry for you huh like this is a game, "oh im ines and im going to kill myself" well do it, i fucking dare you to do it. if you die oh well bye bye..." the tears flowed down my face. and my little brother to watch it. after maybe twenty mins of yelling i spoke in tears "im not hungry cuz i already ate" as i sobbed she was silent, you can tell she was really emberrised. she didnt know i had eatten or not. i really didnt eat that morning i just said that to shut her up. i was crying so hard i couldnt breath. i tried so hard to cry silently so she wouldnt get mad again. she drove to a mcdonald and got my brother food. i stayed in the car trying to control my sobbing. i cried myself to sleep that night.
  The next few days felt the same as usual. it wasnt till my brothers friend came over where trouble came again i was just messing around, all i did was joke around with my little brother, but he didnt see it as a joke, so i got in trouble, it was just one little white name call and she just cursed me out for what felt hours, i was sobbing and crying, after she stopped i went to my bed, and while everyone was busy getting ready for bed, i continued to cry while i approched the door, i was running away to my friends, her mom always loved me as her own. she told me if i ever needed a place to stay, i was welcome. I slipped out the door and i started to run, i ran and ran. when i got to her house, i just cried. i looked at her and said " i dont know what to do" they let me in and i felt safe to be there. i left my phone at home, i didnt think to take it. around ten, i was laying in bed with my friend. we were like sisters. i thought this would be perfect cuz my parents didnt know where my friends house was.
  around ten at night someone began to knock on the door. i was scared. when the door opened it was my parents. both crying. I had no choice so i went with them. on the way home they told me how my mom went to say sorry to me for once, and that she did over react. the one night she wanted to appoligize was the night i chose to run away. i went to bed promising i wasnt gonna run away anymore. I went to bed and went to school the next day like nothing happened.
Soon as i was at school all my friends came and asked if i was ok, everyone was looking for me the other night. My parents went to all my friends houses to find me. i explained what happened and soon the subject was dropped.
anytime my mom yells at me the only thing that i hear is what she told me to do in the car. how she DARED me to kill myself. it hurts from time to time. Now my depressions just way worse. I cant sleep till maybe 5 am. i cant eat, i became anerexic AGAIN. i cant keep my grades up. i get in more trouble at school then a gang member in a drug store. i still feel suicidal, but never as bad as then that week. I cant forget it.