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#adhesion #love #water
Published: 2014-11-02 23:25:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 402; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description
How can things like youTreat me so well
But at the same time
Have a chance to give me hell
But not that type of hell
that you can make disappear
That horrible hell
with pollution and pissing deer.
We manipulate you
To turn from science to beer
But when you and salt appear
i hear-
*cough*
*cough*
death.
Comments: 4
It's not a bad piece, but it feels like you strained a little too hard with the rhyming. It's tough to say for sure, based on only one piece, what would work better for you: either a tight, disciplined meter and rhyme scheme, or something a little more loose. Best guess: something more loose. Perhaps something like a rondel (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondel_%… , where the meter rules aren't strict? That would add a dash of structure without pinning you down to a heavy-handed set of rules that stifle your preferred style.
Okay, specifics: in the first line, "thing like you" brought me up short. Are you not addressing a person rather than an object? That was my impression. Hmm...perhaps "How can those like you"...?
In the fourth, the "have a chance" implies that you might have gotten the hell; just that you could have. If that was what you meant, then "choose to give me hell" is closer to your intentions.
I'm curious about "that type of hell / you can make disappear..." It reminds me, vaguely, of something out of Constantine. The "pissing deer" was a startling line. Aren't pissing deer a natural thing, even if the stench might make you wretch?
The abrupt ending is a fun shift of tempo, though if you had chosen a more formal style it would stun even more.
FYI: I should note that I didn't visit the Live-Love-Write page to see the challenge; I wanted to view your work as freestanding. So: I didn't judge based on whether you met their challenge or not.
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Thanks for the criticism, man. I will be sure to take this into consideration.
Now, here's my response:
Honestly, I don't like rhyming but I thought it would be ok so it could flow better. Flow better? I don't know. Maybe I was better without it. But, I will take your advice and look at the rondel stuff.
As for the first line, I agree that I should change it to "how can those like you". But, I thought "thing like you" would have more of a direct address to it and thus would make it sound like I am talking to a direct object.
What "type of hell/you can make disappear" means is that hell is full of lava and fire and since this was talking about water, I just wanted to reference "dousing" in a curious way for the hell of it. Also, never watched Constantine. Sorry.
As for the "pissing deer" line, again, just wanted to rhyme but I would have been better without it. And yeah, it is a natural thing, but that does not mean the water likes it.
Also, when it comes to making stories, I don't know what "formal" means, but I will try to be more formal and less mysterious.
Once again, thanks a lot and have a cookie.
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You're welcome! Rhyming is no sin, and I understand what you mean about flow. The late, great Theodore Sturgeon would often write stories in prose that used poetic techniques as a means of boosting flow. You're in good company! It's only a matter of polish. A rhyming dictionary comes in handy for that. I had to dive deep into one many times with my work, especially my "Green Lantern" series. Yeesh!
There's no law that says you have to read the Constantine comic books, watch the movie from a few years ago, or view the new TV show. It isn't everyone's tastes. Heck, fans got annoyed at the movie for having Keanu Reeves star in the story of a guy who is supposed to be a skinny British former punk rocker (at least he chain-smoked and drank, as in the series). Anyway, I brought it up because it envisions heaven, hell and Earth as co-existing side-by-side. That is, you are already in all three....sort of. If you step sideways into hell and you live in New York City, you'll see NYC -- but crumbling and on fire. I forgave the movie its flaws because of that conceit.
There are dozens of amazing rhyming and metering methods, and you can have fun fiddling with them. Not to toot my horn or anything, but if you want examples of these, my Green Lantern series used a dozen different types. No promises of genius there, heh; just a handy list of simple types with examples, if you want.
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