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Drunk-Web — Nooostalgia
Published: 2014-11-26 22:45:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 442; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 0
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Description
Remember when we loved our earthWe used to be entertained by many great things
Like water and food
Love and happiness
Equal opportunities after equal opportunities
I would always hold you until the day we shriveled
Our dust passed through the almighty evil
And then we got captured by the almighty evil
It seems that they wanted to do the deeds of the devil
Because the devil wants us all to be dead human cells
Then we were treated with treason
Killed, whipped, abused for no apparent reason
All we wanted was to live and be free
But they would never listen and just kick our asses
However, we would always have faith
That somewhere up there love will always be
Our unborn children and our dead relatives
Watching us and rooting us from up above
Of course the almighty evil could not hear the cheer
Instead all they could hear was money and our screams
They turned our earth from selfless into selfish
Turned our earth into beast from beauty
Turned our earth from love to hate
So, my final question to my family above
Were those the days?
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Comments: 6
I believe that everyone things their time isn't the best one to be alive in. I like how you brought up physical torture and then banks and how they "steal" from the people. Nice work.
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I really like the rhyming in this it fits really well! This rings a bell with me I really love it!
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I really shouldn't try to critique poetry as I usually don't understand it and have no idea what you were trying to convey. I also know nothing about rhythm and meter. This felt awkward to me. In one place it rhymed but most other lines don't. I just couldn't understand at all what you were going for. In the second paragraph, or whatever it's called in a poem you repeat almighty evil. It's usually never a good idea to repeat a word or phrase so close together like that. At first it feels like you are talking how people are at first loving the Earth and then are neglecting it, but then it's something about the devil. So I guess I feel that it lacks focus. Again though, I am not good at noticing when something has a deep meaning and I tend to only see the obvious. Still I think this could be a lot clearer.
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I just can't stop being mysterious about stuff. I'm sorry you didn't like it.
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Well no matter what not everyone will like a persons work. I don't know if my comments helped at all. I just joined the critique group and wanted to help as many people as I could in hopes people would return the favor. I want to make my Zeltis book as good as I can. Anyway, good luck and keep trying.
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Thanks, man. Again, sorry you did not like it.
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