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i hate you
i hate you so much
an it is the most platonic hate the planet has evver seen
the mental torture is so bad i can physically feel it
i can feel your damn wwords slicin through my skin
youre deceptivve, disgustin an you make me sick
i wwish there wwas a wword i could use to describe you
i havve nevver stated somethin about you that wwasnt true so you can keep your trap shut about me manipulatin people into hatin you
its ironic because you havve sent people to murder me in the past
you sent people to murder me because i savved my matesprit from you wwhen you tried to kill him
an that wwas part of 'a plan to make eridan angry on purpose'
you make me so sick i cant stand it
you think its fun to torture me? to attack the only person i had?
because in the end thats howw it wwas
you alwways complained about bein alone
when you nevver paid any attention to me wwho had truly been alone for so long
you tried to rip my happiness awway from me
the one troll i had
an then you played the vvictim card like it wwas my fault for killin you wwhen you tried to murder him
its not a game
you thought it wwas fine to lock me awway from him, to shovve him into a room wwith karkat in a sad attempt to force them into a quadrant, then wwatch me sit wwith my hand against the door, wwith you complainin about our relationship?
you thought it wwas fine to abuse me, to mention my wweight sevveral times despite you knowwin i havve a eatin disorder, labellin me fat knowwin it wwould havve me wwretchin ovver a lavvatory before i could evven blink again
you threww me to the floor an carvved your damn symbols into my cheeks, nearly blindin me as you told me to kill myself along with my matesprit, to be wwith each other in the dream bubbles instead, pushin us to suicide
youvve made me kill myself sevveral times, only to come an revvivve me like its fun to keep wwatchin it happen
you apologise only to repeat yourself ovver an ovver, an you probably wwondered wwhy i didnt accept your last one
ivve had enough a your abuse
the agony you inflicted upon me an my matesprit
he nevver got ovver it
youvve broken us both
made sol start self harmin
do you understand howw hard that wwas to wwatch? to accept?
to see the scars across his arms that wwere there because a your selfish actions?
an leavvin me to pick up the pieces a the emotions an bonds you shattered
im exhausted
i do not turn anybody against you
i tell them the truth
evven then they just tell me they understand, that they didnt knoww it wwas like that, make me feel like they finally see it my wway, believve it, then they just go right back ovver to you, like wwhat i said wwas somethin out of some sad badly wwritten novvel
it hurts me so badly
they think its a joke that you made me kill myself, that wwe self harmed ovver your actions as wwe cried together on so many occassions, that i had to wwatch you try to rip my matesprit to shreds, that you told us to commit suicide after mutilatin me an laughin at my disorders
just because i am not some tiny embodiment of cute like you apparently are doesnt mean im lyin wwhen i tell people wwho you really are
it makes me sick to knoww you havve friends
to knoww that one day they could fall vvictim like me
an no matter howw many times i say i wwant to movve on, you come back, an persist to be around me
evven though you knoww you broke me an the one troll i lovve
its like just lookin at us givves you a horrible sense a pride
knowwin you shattered us into tiny fragments
i tried so hard to be civvil wwith you ovver time, after all of this, to try an restore some peace
i wwas nice to you, i spoke to you an i hugged you, several times
an then one day you decided it wwas okay to make another joke about my wweight, about my eatin disorder
that nearly killed me
i forced myself to function for my babies
i wwont let you steal their mother awway like that
nevver
you wwere alwways sayin you wwere alone but you wwere alwways quick to find someone to attack me an to lie to about me
to twwist the story to as they pet your head an tell you its all okay

im still so thankful for kanaya for believvin me
for stickin up for me an holdin me
i lovve her so vvery much
her an sol wwere the only ones wwho stood by me an believved in the truth
it felt like my pain, our pain
wwasnt inflicted pointlessly
it wwas such a small feelin a justice
but it felt amazin
to finally havve someone believve me wwhen im tellin the truth
an if anyone dares to continue to call me a liar
to not see the extent a this damage
youre lyin to yourself
as im pourin my heart into this to provve i havve nevver lied about such a thing
despite those around me believvin otherwwise
sidin wwith that monster despite the heartwwrenchin destruction a my being, a my matesprit, a my life

an after all this
you dare to sit an then say you realise it wwas wwrong
then you wwonder wwhy i still cant get ovver it
im sorry but such torture doesnt fade so easily
its so easy for you to say
but for us the time i spent tryin to get along wwith you wwas the most agonisin thing wwevve evver experienced
i knoww if i forgavve you it wwould just happen again
youd make another comment like you alwways do
settin it all back off to wwatch me struggle as you send people to attack me
play the vvictim card once more
use my dowwnfalls an my issues as a excuse an try an turn the tables on me knowwin people wwill just lovve howw cute an cuddly you are
couldnt possibly hurt anyone wwith that appearance, right?
obvviously not
because no matter howw many people i tell
they dont listen
they pretend to, wwhich hurts evven more
like they dont care

so thank you
for breakin me
for breakin sollux
ovver an ovver an ovver again
an wwatchin me build us up afterwwards
just so you could break us dowwn time after time again
it wwas so agonisin
i can still feel your symbols clawwed into my cheeks
the sting i felt as my tears dripped into my open wwounds an vviolet flowwed dowwn my face
my head bandaged up as blood seeped through the mesh
i hope it wwas wworth it
abusin me
both physically an emotionally
ill nevver forget it
evven if you can so easily
an ill wwatch evveryone suck up to you for another day
to pour ovver you as you sit so innocently in their laps
an ill relivve old memories of pain an destruction
to realise they nevver faded awway
my bandages may not be vvisible to the likes a you
but i can see em
clear as day
an id givve anythin to showw em to someone else
but it seems to be only me an my matesprit, wwith identical dressins
wwho can see em
the rest givve us a pat on the back an scamper right back ovver to you
as i cry for em, knowwin wwhat theyre gettin themselvves into
i wwish i wwas exaggeratin
i truly do
i dont wwant anyone else hurt like this
its so painful it drovve me to suicide
slices an scars of vviolet decoratin my person
evven noww as i say this
my matesprit tells me he thought of killin himself so many times durin your hold on us
im glad it didnt go that far
id havve held myself responsible an i bet you wwouldnt havve cared
evven feigned it
but ill wwatch em again
as they mutter howw delusional wwe are
that wwe must havve some sort of issue
euphemisms for liars
an ill cry all ovver again
until they realise i am a survvivvor of your torturous self
my wwounds may nevver heal
but one day i shall be free
evven if they nevver realise or understand our story

after all
you couldnt possibly hurt someone wwith a appearance like that
much less ruin their life

right?