Mutitus [2013-08-27 18:43:33 +0000 UTC]
Sorry I didn't get to your work sooner; things have been pretty busy for me.
Your story structure is good for the purpose of your writing and you have done a good job of setting the scene, so keep doing what you are doing. A bit more background would have been nice, but I'm not sure if you are just dictating a battle or if you are actually constructing an entire story; if it is the former, then what you have is fine, but you should elaborate if the latter is the goal. You also might want to elaborate a bit more on the action in battle; you're on the right track with how the battles are laid out, but you might want to expand things to create a more vivid visual image, even if it is at the risk of seriously lengthening the piece.
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EagleNut In reply to Mutitus [2013-08-31 14:55:15 +0000 UTC]
It's perfectly fine, I know what it's like to be super busy.
This started out as just a battle for the sake of a battle, given the lack of six on six battles I've been able to find on the Internet in general, but it's evolving (ha, Pokè-pun, evolving, I crack myself up) into a story of its own. I've even got a third place match for this tourney laid out, because my brother and his friend really wanted to have a battle like this. But that's besides the point. I fully respect your criticisms, since often one must take a step back to go two steps forward. I just have a couple of questions, which if I fail to get to here, I'll ask in the other comments you've so graciously provided.
First off, how would you suggest "elaborating" on the battle actions? While I've used the Bulbapedia description of the attack as the base for my description, it's apparently lacking, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what exactly I am lacking.
Second: backgrounds. I do realize that I might have rushed into the battle a little quickly, but in my mind, I had loosely based this battle as part of my Pokémon USA idea, which is located in my gallery; essentially combining the first four generations into one big game laid out across the US. As to make it more realistic, this battle(s) are set as the semifinal and final of the annual state tournament. Every state in the US holds one to determine the best trainer in the state for each age group (U13, U21, and over 21) and the winners of each state qualify for the national tournament, if they so choose to participate. Did I mention enough of the history between my rival to get the point across, or do I need my own separate story/cutscene to better get the sense of rivalry across?
Thank you for taking the time to review my work, it's greatly appreciated!
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Mutitus In reply to EagleNut [2013-09-07 15:19:36 +0000 UTC]
Certainly; I am always open to questions.
When describing the action of a battle, there are two different grounds that can be taken. On one hand, you can be a minimalist like me and simply use vague descriptions in a battle, like "the competitors battled back and forth, lashing out at each other at every opportunity"; this works really well if you are trying to focus on a story over the battle itself, plus it leaves the actions of the battle up to the imagination of the reader. On the other hand, you can describe the action movement by movement, noting every single small detail that goes on; this works well if you want to focus on the battle, and it tends to work really well if you switch perspectives at least a few times, like going from viewing the battle from a spectator's eyes to that of the trainers and even their Pokemon. Your work lies somewhere in the middle, which works fine if you are balancing the story, but you are not; the focus of the story is the battle itself. As such, you will want to try and adapt the latter option as much as possible.
As for the Pokemon USA idea, I apologize; I did not read that beforehand. If that is what you are going for, though, you might want to actually mention it as part of the story and build up the characters from there. When working with a story, you almost always have to lay out the background of the world it is placed in context with before starting the story itself; that, or you could gradually build up the world as the story goes on, piece by piece. Either option could work, so it's up to you. The rivalry you speak of should in turn become reflective of the background; as long as people know what's going on in the greater world or scope of things, they will be better able to grasp the significance of the rivalry placed before their eyes and ears.
And you are quite welcome; I'm always here to lend a hand.
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