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Description
What I truly adored about him was the way he smiled, the wind caressing his face as he did. He’d close his eyes, and tried to tuck a few of his flying strands back to his ear but always to no avail. In my eyes; he looked wonderful in that sense, the way his face seemed so relax and without a care in the world. Deep in my heart, that picture of him walking along the somewhat wet sands of the beach, footsteps left on the floor of the shorelines. He would never say a word, but that was okay, because I know that even a thousand words could never ever define the feelings that overwhelmed me whenever I see him.

Actually, there was, three in fact.

I loved him.

You were so sincere, you were honest and you were kind to a fault. I could never understand how someone could manage to retain qualities like those in a cruel world like this. I was supposed to be ironic, cynical and unbelieving of such morals because in the years that I have passed through this mortal plane, I only see hurt. I only see pain. I only see illusions of what could be real but never really was. It was not to say that I was never happy, truly I was, happy and joyful of the simple things that my life brought to me. Of my family and friends who showed their affections and their loyalty. Of people who I would never know, who will always be dedicated to me even when I never asked.

But then you see the hideous things, the colours of grey draining way to deathly black and you forget there was ever anything wonderful to look forward to.

Yet, the flicker of your happy face and I was shaking my head in shame, smiling at my own foolishness while you hold my hand. You kissed my fingers and told me, it was okay.

Sometimes, you’d forget that there were such things as kindness too.

But.

You would add and I look up to see you beaming with such radiant beauty, my heart, oh my heart. I could feel beating it so hard in my chest, and I could feel my cheeks flare from the blood that was rushing to my face.

But.

And I feel the side of my own lips lift up to mimic the smile on your own exquisite features.

You’d see me. You start off, looking down and feeling somewhat embarrassed of what you wanted to say. You’d see me, you will repeat, a little bit firm and a little bit louder so my ears can pick up the words. You’d see me, and you realize who are you to forget the one magnificent thing life has given you.

The first time you told me, I scoffed and flicked my hand away trying to dissuade you of your ideals.

The last time you told me, I still kept my somewhat strong front and only laughed at your feelings. But deep down, you knew I was lying and I was crying inside. And even then, you’d loved me with all your heart because you knew I was lonely, truly, I was happy to have you as my friend.

But I was happier to have you as my lover.

I looked out the window; the evening canopy was dressed up in all the colours of the stars.

I looked out the window; it was a wonderful evening, one that was good for inspiration and for young love to blossom.

I looked out the window; you were waiting patiently outside my door, yawning from having to be awakened in the middle of the night. But you came to me, and that’s what matters.

Holding you always feel like the first time, in my arms, you were the most precious thing God could ever bestow unto me. There were times when you would come over to my home, and without hesitation, I’d pull you for a fierce kiss, hungry and passionate, my arms over your shoulders as I pull you into my bedroom. Your hair curtaining our faces as we fell on my bed, me on top of the mattress, and you on top of me. It felt so good to have you all over me, as I am all over you.

The sound of your pained yet pleasured moans intoxicates me, as I pull you closer to release. Your fingernails digging into the skins of my shoulder, your raspy breathe against my neck.

You’d begged me to never let go.

Don’t ever stop.

Please don’t let this moment end.

I’d fear I would never get used to the feeling of your naked body against mine.

I didn’t see you slip out of my arms and walk into the night, without the stars and lonely in your wake. When I finally did wake up, I was near petrified at the thought of your lost. My body feeling cold and my soul feeling empty. But I saw a note with your name and an apology written in fine Japanese. You never did state a reason, but you said to have faith because you will always come back for me.

I waited.

Tonight, your face didn’t smile and it held a thousand and one tears and I tried my best, as I cupped your face with shaking hands to comfort you and kiss away your tears. You didn’t know how, you didn’t why, and I couldn’t understand or fathom of all people it could happen to you. My shoulder was soaked in your tears, and for your sake, I looked up, trying to balance my own emotions before they come crashing down on me the same way your words had first left me.

I didn’t say anything, nothing could remedy this. Nothing.

A few days later, you were coughing out blood. It shined against your palm, your eyes widened in horror, as you watched it leak from your mouth to the wide of your hand. It was a Monday morning; you were washing your face, your trauma almost near forgotten from all the work we got from the studio.

We thought we already woke up from the nightmare.

You never noticed the scared expression on my face, plastered over the mirror as I stood by the doorway.

You looked so beautiful. Lonely, but ever enchanting, sometimes surreal but I know you are not a dream. Yet, as you walked to the beach, your toes sinking in the sand, you looked across the ocean that stretched forever without end. You held yourself with your arms, feeling cold without me because you refused my company for the first time. I followed you all the way even then. You looked fragile, you looked sad.

But you were still beautiful and I wished I bought a camera, my phone or something, anything just so I could capture this moment and frame it forever. I know it would never be as good as you, but I needed something to preserve. Something with your essence and soul, something I could keep close to my heart for the rest of my life while you moved on to the next.

I tried my best not to think about it, but every day that I spend with you is one more day you slowly drift away from me. Your eyes never glowed in that lovingly way anymore; your smiles were reduced to forced movement of the lips. And you stopped talking.

I wished it would go back to normal, that nothing has changed that we were still playful and running around with our taboo love. Kissing in the dark of the night, hands running sweat soaked skin and exchanging kisses more often than not.

But as I open my eyes, you were walking towards the middle of the ocean.

I screamed for your name, come back. Come back, tetsu. And I ran after you as you tried to perform some sort of slow ritualistic suicide, my legs and lower body buried in the not so deep parts of the water, I cried out to you.

Please don’t do this. You still have a few more months to live.

Don’t leave me.

You promised you will come back

I cried as I held you in the ocean. Your face tear stained and intent on gazing at the waters that was beyond yours or my reach.

One last time. One final time.

You smiled.

My heart melted the same way it did when I first saw it on the beach. I held your hand all throughout the night as you lay on the hospital bed, too weak to move and sometimes... too weak to even breathe. Most of the time, your eyes would be closed, sealed softly practicing over and over your routine before it becomes a reality.

This time, it was I who kissed your fingers, your cold and weak fingers. I’d stay here beside you, all day long, waiting for you to even flutter your lids, just for me and only for me. And spending so much time waiting, you finally did even if it was for a few minutes, you finally did open your eyes.

I nearly burst into tears, but I couldn’t cry in front of you, I should be happy that you still had enough strength and will to live. That you were still fighting even when everything was going downhill and there was no more point in even trying to think there was going to be a way out.

You shook your head as best as you can, your lips were turning into a sickening shade of blue. Your face was starting to lose its colour, the essence of your reality was peeling away from you but you managed to live through them all even for just a little while.

I held what I can of you, your hand; your soft near breakable hand. I tried to be brave, joking about what has been going on without our fearless leader. Saying how you should get well... so you can go... back-

But I fell flat and I silenced myself. Your eyes were already closed by then.

You will come back to me, I whispered as I kissed the wide of your hand.

I looked out the window, the dark colours of midnight caressing the surface of the skies.

I looked out the window; the stars weren’t where they were supposed to be, hiding from sight and from the world.

I looked out the window and knowing why you haven’t and will never come back home to me.

Description
What I truly adored about him was the way he smiled, the wind caressing his face as he did. He’d close his eyes, and tried to tuck a few of his flying strands back to his ear but always to no avail. In my eyes; he looked wonderful in that sense, the way his face seemed so relax and without a care in the world. Deep in my heart, that picture of him walking along the somewhat wet sands of the beach, footsteps left on the floor of the shorelines. He would never say a word, but that was okay, because I know that even a thousand words could never ever define the feelings that overwhelmed me whenever I see him.

Actually, there was, three in fact.

I loved him.

You were so sincere, you were honest and you were kind to a fault. I could never understand how someone could manage to retain qualities like those in a cruel world like this. I was supposed to be ironic, cynical and unbelieving of such morals because in the years that I have passed through this mortal plane, I only see hurt. I only see pain. I only see illusions of what could be real but never really was. It was not to say that I was never happy, truly I was, happy and joyful of the simple things that my life brought to me. Of my family and friends who showed their affections and their loyalty. Of people who I would never know, who will always be dedicated to me even when I never asked.

But then you see the hideous things, the colours of grey draining way to deathly black and you forget there was ever anything wonderful to look forward to.

Yet, the flicker of your happy face and I was shaking my head in shame, smiling at my own foolishness while you hold my hand. You kissed my fingers and told me, it was okay.

Sometimes, you’d forget that there were such things as kindness too.

But.

You would add and I look up to see you beaming with such radiant beauty, my heart, oh my heart. I could feel beating it so hard in my chest, and I could feel my cheeks flare from the blood that was rushing to my face.

But.

And I feel the side of my own lips lift up to mimic the smile on your own exquisite features.

You’d see me. You start off, looking down and feeling somewhat embarrassed of what you wanted to say. You’d see me, you will repeat, a little bit firm and a little bit louder so my ears can pick up the words. You’d see me, and you realize who are you to forget the one magnificent thing life has given you.

The first time you told me, I scoffed and flicked my hand away trying to dissuade you of your ideals.

The last time you told me, I still kept my somewhat strong front and only laughed at your feelings. But deep down, you knew I was lying and I was crying inside. And even then, you’d loved me with all your heart because you knew I was lonely, truly, I was happy to have you as my friend.

But I was happier to have you as my lover.

I looked out the window; the evening canopy was dressed up in all the colours of the stars.

I looked out the window; it was a wonderful evening, one that was good for inspiration and for young love to blossom.

I looked out the window; you were waiting patiently outside my door, yawning from having to be awakened in the middle of the night. But you came to me, and that’s what matters.

Holding you always feel like the first time, in my arms, you were the most precious thing God could ever bestow unto me. There were times when you would come over to my home, and without hesitation, I’d pull you for a fierce kiss, hungry and passionate, my arms over your shoulders as I pull you into my bedroom. Your hair curtaining our faces as we fell on my bed, me on top of the mattress, and you on top of me. It felt so good to have you all over me, as I am all over you.

The sound of your pained yet pleasured moans intoxicates me, as I pull you closer to release. Your fingernails digging into the skins of my shoulder, your raspy breathe against my neck.

You’d begged me to never let go.

Don’t ever stop.

Please don’t let this moment end.

I’d fear I would never get used to the feeling of your naked body against mine.

I didn’t see you slip out of my arms and walk into the night, without the stars and lonely in your wake. When I finally did wake up, I was near petrified at the thought of your lost. My body feeling cold and my soul feeling empty. But I saw a note with your name and an apology written in fine Japanese. You never did state a reason, but you said to have faith because you will always come back for me.

I waited.

Tonight, your face didn’t smile and it held a thousand and one tears and I tried my best, as I cupped your face with shaking hands to comfort you and kiss away your tears. You didn’t know how, you didn’t why, and I couldn’t understand or fathom of all people it could happen to you. My shoulder was soaked in your tears, and for your sake, I looked up, trying to balance my own emotions before they come crashing down on me the same way your words had first left me.

I didn’t say anything, nothing could remedy this. Nothing.

A few days later, you were coughing out blood. It shined against your palm, your eyes widened in horror, as you watched it leak from your mouth to the wide of your hand. It was a Monday morning; you were washing your face, your trauma almost near forgotten from all the work we got from the studio.

We thought we already woke up from the nightmare.

You never noticed the scared expression on my face, plastered over the mirror as I stood by the doorway.

You looked so beautiful. Lonely, but ever enchanting, sometimes surreal but I know you are not a dream. Yet, as you walked to the beach, your toes sinking in the sand, you looked across the ocean that stretched forever without end. You held yourself with your arms, feeling cold without me because you refused my company for the first time. I followed you all the way even then. You looked fragile, you looked sad.

But you were still beautiful and I wished I bought a camera, my phone or something, anything just so I could capture this moment and frame it forever. I know it would never be as good as you, but I needed something to preserve. Something with your essence and soul, something I could keep close to my heart for the rest of my life while you moved on to the next.

I tried my best not to think about it, but every day that I spend with you is one more day you slowly drift away from me. Your eyes never glowed in that lovingly way anymore; your smiles were reduced to forced movement of the lips. And you stopped talking.

I wished it would go back to normal, that nothing has changed that we were still playful and running around with our taboo love. Kissing in the dark of the night, hands running sweat soaked skin and exchanging kisses more often than not.

But as I open my eyes, you were walking towards the middle of the ocean.

I screamed for your name, come back. Come back, tetsu. And I ran after you as you tried to perform some sort of slow ritualistic suicide, my legs and lower body buried in the not so deep parts of the water, I cried out to you.

Please don’t do this. You still have a few more months to live.

Don’t leave me.

You promised you will come back

I cried as I held you in the ocean. Your face tear stained and intent on gazing at the waters that was beyond yours or my reach.

One last time. One final time.

You smiled.

My heart melted the same way it did when I first saw it on the beach. I held your hand all throughout the night as you lay on the hospital bed, too weak to move and sometimes... too weak to even breathe. Most of the time, your eyes would be closed, sealed softly practicing over and over your routine before it becomes a reality.

This time, it was I who kissed your fingers, your cold and weak fingers. I’d stay here beside you, all day long, waiting for you to even flutter your lids, just for me and only for me. And spending so much time waiting, you finally did even if it was for a few minutes, you finally did open your eyes.

I nearly burst into tears, but I couldn’t cry in front of you, I should be happy that you still had enough strength and will to live. That you were still fighting even when everything was going downhill and there was no more point in even trying to think there was going to be a way out.

You shook your head as best as you can, your lips were turning into a sickening shade of blue. Your face was starting to lose its colour, the essence of your reality was peeling away from you but you managed to live through them all even for just a little while.

I held what I can of you, your hand; your soft near breakable hand. I tried to be brave, joking about what has been going on without our fearless leader. Saying how you should get well... so you can go... back-

But I fell flat and I silenced myself. Your eyes were already closed by then.

You will come back to me, I whispered as I kissed the wide of your hand.

I looked out the window, the dark colours of midnight caressing the surface of the skies.

I looked out the window; the stars weren’t where they were supposed to be, hiding from sight and from the world.

I looked out the window and knowing why you haven’t and will never come back home to me.