HOME | DD

Description
When Kaidan opened his eyes the dazzling light stung into his pupils immediately releasing a pain to his temples. He felt a pressure on his whole body and a hammering ache beneath his skullcap. His neck was stiff and his spine felt like hell. When he tried to raise his upper body the nausea overwhelmed him pressing him back into his bed. He covered his eyes with his hand took in a deep breath and exhaled calmly. Carefully he started another attempt. He stared at the unknown ceiling before his eyes started scanning his environment. He was in a hospital. Then he remembered what had happened. He had survived.
The door to his room opened with an awfully loud sound making him squint his eyes again.
“Ah!“, he heard a cheerful female voice. “Major Alenko! You're awake.“
He slowly turned his head to the right to recognize a familiar face. “Dr. Michel...“, his voice was hoarse, his mouth dry and his throat was burning. “I need... water.“
Dr. Michel nodded vigorously before leaving to bring him a glass of the desired liquid. “You must drink slowly, Major.“
He reached for the glass with a trembling hand. “Where am I?“, he said, his voice but a whisper.
“Huerta Memorial. On the Citadel. You were out for three days. Can you remember what happened?“, Dr. Michel cocked her head sympathetically.
Kaidan downed the water in one and started coughing. He felt his dizzyness increasing. It took him a while before he could answer. Slowly breathing in and out he found his voice again.
“I remember. I was with Shepard and Dr. T'Soni. On Mars“, Dr. Michel nodded typing something inside a datapad she was holding. “Some kind of cyborg messed me up. I thought I was dead.“
The red-haired doctor smiled softly. “No, but you were unconscious for several days. Actually it was a close call. Good they brought you here instantly.“
“The Normandy?“, Kaidan's eyes slightly widened.
“Yes. They docked on the Citadel and handed you over to our medics. Shepard visited you a few hours later after we had treated you. She was very worried. But I assured her you would survive. You really took heavy damage, Major. I can give you the medical report. In addition to lacerations, contusions and a severe concussion your implant was...“
“Shepard was here?“, he interrupted the doctor, his voice betraying his excitement.
“Yes, yes. The Commander was overanxious. She was afraid you wouldn't make it“, Dr. Michel formed yet another compassionate smile. “I can message her that you regained consciousness and are soon ready to welcome visitors if you're willing to.“
“No. I will text her. Thank you, Doc“, he did not know why but he wanted to write and invite her personally. “When can I leave?“
Dr. Michel chuckled shaking her head. She sighed and her face turned stern again. She lifted her index finger for a reprimanding gesture. “Don't rash things, Major. You just woke up. You still need to recover before we can release you. You're not even to leave this bed. And after your release it will take some more time before you can go into duty again.“
He scowled at the doctor. Definitely not the answer he was waiting for.
“As I was explaining earlier“, she continued not minding his mute objection. “You arrived in a serious state. Your implant was rattled. But it's the cerebral edema that concerns me the most“, Dr. Michel made a worried expression, genuine concern in her green eyes. “I don't want to upset you, Major, but I need to observe your brain under all circumstances. The swelling has decreased slightly. It might take weeks for you to recover.“
Kaidan rubbed his hands over his face. Hearing Dr. Michel's medical report devastated him. It meant he had to lay in this sterile hospital room while the galaxy was going down. It meant he could not fight alongside Shepard and the Normandy. It meant... the occurring thought horrified him. “My...“, he swallowed. “My biotics?“
Dr. Michel took a moment to think before she replied to him. For Kaidan it felt like an eternity. The anxiety seemed to overwhelm him. “At this point I can't give you a certain information yet. But I have already discussed the topic with other doctors. Your implant was not harmed, only rattled. The other doctors and I predict there will be no noticeable change concerning your biotics. But only time can tell.“
Relieved he leaned back into his pillow letting out a long breath he was holding in. “Thank you, Doc. You can't imagine what this means to me.“
Dr. Michel smiled softly. She appeared almost proud Kaidan thought. “Alright, Major. I will arrange for your meal and then we have to take some scans. Don't bother calling our personnel if you wish for something. See you later!“ With that said she turned on her heels and left him to his thoughts.

The last thing he remembered was being held by the mech on Mars and hearing Shepard screaming in exasperation. But he felt he also remembered hearing her voice later without being actually aware of it. A silent, urging beg for him to return. This voice... Warm, familiar, strong yet so fragile. He wondered if he had actually heard her or if it had been his imagination only.
“Shepard...“, he whispered placing his right hand on his chest above his heart. When he was on the verge of death it was her face he was seeing. Her image along with the image of the future. Things that might become reality one day. A galaxy at peace. He remembered how he thought he was dying desperately clutching to the mental image he was creating. How he tried to deny death when there was so much left he wanted to say, to feel, to accomplish. He had survived. The possibility of all this was still existing.
He thought about Shepard. All this time he had rejected her. Telling himself she was not the person he used to know. Merely a copy of the person he once had loved. Flesh without a spirit. A vessel without a soul. He was hurting her so he would not be hurt again. He grimaced at his own imbecility. Only now he realized how wrong he had been. How much time he had lost by neglecting her.

He felt it was her voice that had led him out of the darkness of unconsciouscness. He thought it would also be her voice that could make him leave the darkness he had surrounded himself with after she had died. Dead and yet alive. If only he could accept the fact that he had not lost it all and instead had been granted a second chance. The lost time he could have been by her side was irrecoverable but perhaps there was something left to rebuild. Perhaps he could grasp this chance now and make up for his mistakes.
“Shepard“, he said more firmly now. He tried to get up but failed. The pain still prevailing. Hastily he searched for his omnitool with his eyes. Then he found it on a table together with his other belongings. Out of his reach. He sighed exasperated. She would be probably busy anyway. Nevertheless he wanted to message her as fast as he could. To finally start mending things. He was toying with the idea of calling a nurse when his door opened. A relieved smile lightened up his face.
“Wow. Didn't expect you being so pleased to see me“, the woman grinned at him.
His smile vanished only to be replaced by an irritated expression. “Elizabeth?“, his jaw dropped when he watched her entering his room casually. “What are you doing here?“
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “I work here? Heard you woke up so I rushed over“, she shrugged. “How are you feeling, Kaidan? You arrived rather battered.“
“Great, thanks. Would you mind passing me my omnitool?“, he answered sardonically.
She cocked an eyebrow and reached for his omnitool to hand it over. “Were you expecting somebody or why were you beaming?“
“No, I wasn't. Just needed my omnitool. I'm still a little... limited“, Kaidan did not bother to look at her instead he scrolled through his omnitool. It bugged him that Elizabeth had turned up. He still felt uncomfortable having her around after the way the two had seperated. Elizabeth did not seem to feel as awkward though.
“So, not happy to see me?“, she smirked approaching his bed. “It's been quite a while, Kaidan.“
Kaidan did not fail to pick out the seducing tone in her voice. He put his omnitool down to look at her. The last time he had spoken with her had been shortly after meeting Shepard on Horizon. It had roughly been a year. Elizabeth had not change much. She still had her medium-length auburn hair falling down her back and an everlasting glitter in her blue eyes. She was pretty and she seemed more self-confident. But to Kaidan she still appeared dull and lacklustre. Nothing inside him moved when looking at her. “Yeah... I hope you're doing good.“
Smiling she patted his hairline. He frowned. “I do. As you can see I'm still working at this place. I'm quite happy although we have a lot of work lately. No wonder with all that shit going on. When you were brought in I was really upset. The thought of you dying scared me like hell. I was so furious with your Commander.“
“Shepard“, Elizabeth nodded when he mentioned the name. "Why would you be angry with Commander Shepard?"
“She almost let you die, Kaidan“, she expressed it as if she was stating the obvious.
“What are you talking about? We were on a mission. I'm a soldier. Me getting injured is a regular hazard. Part of the job“, her words had infuriated Kaidan and he made no attempt to hide it.
“Oh, please...“, Elizabeth rolled her eyes and made a derogatory gesture.
“No, Elizabeth“, he hissed. “It's not her fault.“
“You're still defending her, aren't you?“, she folded her arms. When Kaidan did not respond she continued. “I'm not surprised. You know, Kaidan, I've always been aware of the fact that you never desired me. You were looking through me. You were always searching for her when you looked at me. You never felt anything for me. I always knew. But I was so desperate, so pathetic. I was wishing so much for you to change. I was wishing you'd get over her. I hoped you'd somehow just stop feeling for her and start feeling for me," she paused, letting her words sink in. "But I was wrong. You were obsessed with her. And when she returned I knew I had lost you.“
Involuntarily Kaidan felt ashamed. He looked down at his hands. In his mind he tried to form sentences to console Elizabeth. After a while he broke the silence. “I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you,“ he rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. Sighing he continued. “I never got over Shepard, that's true. I've spent two years of my life living with the guilt of letting the person I loved down. I felt guilty for surviving when she was dead. I thought I didn't deserve just one more day in this fucked up galaxy when she was missing. In all objectivity things were going well for me. I got promoted, I met a nice girl who liked me,“ he saw her smiling sadly her arms still crossed at her midsection. “But inside of me there was a void I could not fill. I felt numb. I felt dead. I was nothing. I was a ghost controlled by anger, hate and despair. Only the thought of doing the right thing because she would expect me to do it, kept me going. So I tried to move on. I tried to be happy“, he paused for a moment. “Then I saw her again. On Horizon. I didn't want to believe it was her. I was so pissed. But I also realized how much I'd missed her. I realized there would never be a substitute for what she had been to me. Shepard was my missing part. She still is.“
Only the sound of the machines disturbed the silence that fell over the room. Kaidan saw the glistening in Elizabeth' tear-filled eyes.
“She was here“, she whispered hoarsely.
“So I was told.“
“She loves you.“
Kaidan stared at Elizabeth. “What?“
“It's visible to every fool. The way her eyes were restlessly searching for your frame. The way her voice sounded when speaking out your name. The way she looked at me with disgust, after she realized who I was“, she chuckled. “Never thought you'd tell her about me. I feel honoured.“
“I had to. I didn't want to lie to her. You didn't say anything to her, did you?“, he frowned. Suddenly fearing Elizabeth could have ruined the last chances to reconcile with Shepard. If there were some left in the first place. He would strangle Elizabeth if she had done so.
“No, I did not,“ she grinned mischievously. “But she was quite pissed when I said that I'd been checking in on you occasionally.“
Kaidan laughed at the image of a pissed off Shepard. “I guess you misinterpreted her reaction. She was worried because I am her soldier.“
Elizabeth raised a brow. She turned away to fumble around with a machine he was attached to. “You do know that you are breaking fraternization rules? I could report you two.“
Kaidan contorted his face repulsed by her outrageous comment. “When did you become so jaded, Elizabeth? Nothing happened between Shepard and I. Well... At least not after she disappeared.“
“I'm not jaded. I'm just sayin',“ she shrugged. “I don't care if you're screwing her or not but you should be careful. In any case, it's not bothering me anymore. To say being scorned by you didn't hurt me would be a lie, but I never harboured a grudge against you. Or her. I merely gave up on you. I have pride and dignity, you know. I can see how much you eat your heart out at her. And she does, too. Although I don't get what you see in her I wish you best of luck, Kaidan. And I shall not interfere“, she cracked a smile, kissed him on the cheek and left a stunned Kaidan behind as she walked off.

Still perplexed by the conversation he just had with Elizabeth, Kaidan took his omnitool to finally message Shepard. 'Hey, Shepard', he started typing but deleted the words again. 'Commander Shepard', he typed but that seemed too formal. He continued pondering how to start the message when his omnitool rang. Kaidan rolled his eyes. He would never finish that message. He winced when he saw who was calling him through a video communication. It was Councillor Udina.
“Councillor Udina, Sir“, he muttered obviously confused.
“Major Alenko“, Udina nodded with a stern face. “If you could spare a moment.“
“Of course, Councillor,“ he shifted inside his bed, wondering what the human councillor could possibly want from him. “I can spare several moments. According to Dr. Michel I'm not leaving this hospital anytime soon anyway.“
Udina forced a smile that did not reach his eyes. “I am pleased to see you're recovering, Major“, Udina folded his hands on the table he was seating at. “Otherwise it would have meant the loss of an exceptionally valuable soldier.“
Kaidan could not help himself. Udina's compliment seemed rather dishonest. Possibly because of the councillor's conceited face or his monotonous, languid voice. Nevertheless he managed to fake a smile. “Thank you, Councillor.“
Udina merely nodded. “I shall come to the point. The council has decided to offer you a status as the second human Spectre.“
“A Spectre?“, Kaidan was startled. The information had taken him by surprise. “Me?“
“Indeed. A Spectre is chosen out of the best. In my assessment you are one of the best, Major.“ Udina watched Kaidan expectantly. Kaidan was at a loss for words. A Spectre. The second human Spectre. He needed a few moments to comprehend what was happening.
“I most certainly understand if you need some time to consider“, Udina saved Kaidan the answer. “Especially at your current condition. Nervertheless I expect an answer soon, Major.“
Kaidan cleared his throat. “You caught me a little off-guard. I'm honoured, Councillor. But, yeah... I need to think.“
Udina nodded. “Please consider the offer. I will come back to you, Major Alenko. Have a good day.“
Kaidan nodded and hung up.
He stared at the wall trying to digest the offer he had just been made. A spectre. He felt overwhelmed, honoured and also anxious. He was not able to decide wether he would accept or turn down the offer. He would ask for Shepard's opinion. He smiled. Finally he was free to proceed messaging her.

***

“Am I good to go, Doc?“, Eurydice looked up at Dr. Chakwas who was performing a thorough scan on the Commander. “You're too eager since you came onboard the Normandy again.“
Karin Chakwas chuckled.“That's what I do, Shepard. I don't even want to imagine how much you let yourself slide when I was absent.“
Eurydice mimicked a serious face. “What would I do without you, Doc?“
Chakwas pursed her lips and shook her head. “Okay, everything's fine. You're dismissed.“
The commander laughed throatily at the reversal of roles. “Ah, Karin. It's so good to have you back. And Garrus, too.“
Karin Chakwas smiled and sat at her desk leaning back in her swivel chair. “Just like one happy family.“
Eurydice bid the doctor good bye and exited the med bay. In the mess hall she saw the members of her squad engaged in a conversation.
“It's good to have you back, Garrus“, Liara stood outside her office with folded arms but with a content look on her face.
“It's definitely good to be back. Now just add Tali and Wrex and we're complete“, Garrus answered nostalgically who leaned against the wall opposite to Liara.
“Almost complete“, Eurydice added as she walked up to them. She was thinking of Kaidan. She knew Garrus was out of sorts with Kaidan after what had happened on Horizon. However she felt her squad was not complete without Kaidan. Perhaps he would rejoin after his release. Truth be told, she was hoping for it. “So, Garrus, do you think you will adjust?“
Garrus made an expression which Eurydice rated as amused. “Definitely, Shepard. I will move in into my old place again. What would this ship be without my calibrations?“
“There we go with calibrations again“, Joker's voice sounded through the comms.
“I see, nothing's changed. Joker's still spying in on everybody“, the turian's mandibles flared.
“You scared I'll watch you shower, Vakarian? Gotta disappoint you, though. You're not my type.“
Everyone present laughed. It definitely felt good having these people around her, Eurydice thought. With them at her side the future did not seem as dark as she had guessed. With them and with Kaidan.
“Yo, since we're happy family again, let's drink something. Tequila's on me! Need to get to know you guys better“, Vega who was leaning on the mess hall's counter shouted.
“Lieutenant Vega, we're not on shore leave. We're heading to the Citadel, since we're on a mission.“ Eurydice folded her arms and shifted the wait to her other foot. “I don't remember allowing you to have drinks just like that anyway.“
“Ah, come on, Lola!“, Vega lifted his palms up with an exaggerated face of disappointment. “What else do we have that bar for?“
“Lola?“, Eurydice frowned in confusion. Then she rolled her eyes and resignated. “I'm in a good mood today. I'm allowing you all one drink, not more. I'll join you in a bit. Just finishing off some duties which you lot apparently don't have.“
Vega cheered. “Woohoo! Qué bacano! Lola, you're the best. Vakarian, you in for a poker match?“
Eurydice grimaced at her lighthearted team and walked over to the elevator in order to check in on the Primarch Victus.
“Commander, you have new messages on your private terminal“, Eurydice heard Traynor saying when she exited the elevator to the CIC.
“Thank you, Traynor“, she walked to her terminal and logged in scrolling through her messages. There was one from Thane Krios which said he was at Huerta Memorial. It delighted Eurydice. She would visit him later when she had spare time. Then she spotted the email she was anticipating.

Hey Shepard,
Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time.
Councillor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about wether or not I should accept. Stop by my rooms at the hospital when you're on the Citadel. I'd like your advice.
Thanks, Kaidan.

Eurydice fought hard to supress a squeal. So many thoughts flashed across her mind. He was well. He wanted to see her. He will be a Spectre. She felt relieved, happy, excited, proud. With a big grin she rushed over to the cockpit, not minding Traynor's confused look. “Joker! ETA?“
Joker gave her a startled look from his shoulder. “Commander, what's the matter? Am I missing out on some big party on the Citadel, or what?“, Joker typed into a control panel. “Six hours. Want me to speed up?“

***

After several meetings and purchases were done, Eurydice had two hours left before the Normandy would take off to Sur'Kesh. When the elevator's doors to Huerta Memorial opened she was immediately repelled by the stench of antiseptics and blood. The hospital was filled with injured turian that were brought from Palaven. Nurses were running around frantically. She heard people sobbing. On the left of the patient lounge she spotted Thane in front of the window exercising.
“Siha,“ he said turning around. She wondered how he had noticed her. “I was worried for you.“
“Thane,“ she smiled softly. “Good to see you staying in shape. How are you?“
“My disease kills slowly but I'm feeling well. I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle so death can be delayed.“ Although Thane's disease was no news to Shepard his words saddened her. During the time of their suicide mission the drell had grown dear on her heart. “Ah, Siha. Don't grieve for me. What are you doing here?“
She looked to the direction of Kaidan's room. “I'm visiting a friend. Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me.“
Thane nodded. “The human biotic. We have spoken. He seems an honourable man. I see you are caring for him. I will look out for him while he's here.“
Moved by his concern Eurydice gently touched the drell's arm and smiled at him thankfully. They continued talking about Thane's disease and about Shepard's mission.
When they had finished Eurydice stopped at a store called Sirta Supplies. She thought it would be nice getting something for Kaidan. Browsing through the store she spotted a Peruvian Whiskey. “Perfect“, she spoke to herself grinning.

Nervous she entered the door to his room and found Udina speaking to Kaidan. Instinctively she wanted to turn around and leave them be, but apparently Udina was already on his way out. The councillor greeted her and she followed suit. Then she turned around to a tentatively smiling Kaidan.
“Hey you,“ she said trying to sound casual. He was still badly bruised and seeing him like that ached her. Then again, the mission on Mars happened no more than a week ago, so he was doing rather good.
“Hey, Shepard. I was hoping you would come around.“
She thought of the day he was attacked. How anxious she had felt when he was rushed in here. How bummed out she had been when she saw him lying here unconscious. Now his amber eyes were looking at her and his low, husky voice was audible again. It made her feel at peace.
She wanted to tell him that his condition had been constantly on her mind and receiving his mail had made her so happy. She brushed it off though and seated herself on the chair next to his bed. “So, what did Udina want? Did you accept his offer?“
Kaidan averted his eyes from her. “He wants me to decide already. But I'm not sure. I don't know if I am the right person to be a Spectre.“
“Of course you are!“, Shepard's voice pitched a little higher. “I can't imagine anybody who'd be more fitting than you are, Kaidan Alenko.“
He looked at her in surprise. “You really think so?“
She smiled gingerly and nodded. Then she remembered the bottle and reached into her bag. “Here. I got you something“, she said and offered him the bottle of whiskey.
Kaidan's eyes widened and a big smile extended across his face. “Thank you, Shepard. You're... That's great. When I'm out we'll crack it open and celebrate,“ he snorted. “Damn, I really want to get out of here already.“
Eurydice chuckled. “I've been talking to Dr. Michel. She gave me your medical report. No way in hell are you going to leave so soon.“
Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Great. Now you're in bed with her, too.“
“Speaking of which,“ Eurydice raised an eyebrow. “I've met the charming Dr. Drake,“ she saw Kaidan's face reddening immediately. He began stuttering. “Your girlfriend?“
“No!“, he exclaimed. His face a mixture of embarrassment and dismay. “No, Shepard. She isn't... I mean...“
Eurydice swallowed. She regretted her question. She was curious but she was also afraid of his answer. And seeing him stumbling around like that was confirming that there was more to it than 'drinks on the Citadel'. “It's alright, Kaidan. What we once had, lies in the past. I can perfectly understand. I died, you moved on. After all you think I'm a husk,“ she chuckled bitterly.
Kaidan gripped her hand and her face froze. He glared at her, his angry look confusing her. “Listen, Shepard. Where should I start? I had broken off contact with Elizabeth after what had happened on Horizon. Plain-spoken after seeing you, I realized I had not moved on. She is working here, that's all. We're neither together nor friends,“ Eurydice tried to pull herself together not to show her relieve. “I never called you a husk by the way.“
She felt the jealousy that had been accompanying her fading. Whatever had happened between him and other women should not be of her concern, nevertheless she was glad there was nothing going on between him and that arrogant bitch anymore. She felt his warmth through the embrace of their hands. It felt good. Then she pulled her hand away. “You did. On Mars.“
“Then I clearly lost my memory over there“, she could not help but laugh. As a result he also smiled at her. “I wonder, Shepard. Will we ever be able to get over this? I mean after Mars, after Horizon. The horrible things I've said to you back then, I can't apologize enough for what I've said. Instead of being happy that you were brought back and I was given a second chance, I rejected you. I'm sorry. I hate myself for that. But mostly I hate myself for the time I've lost because I was busy being a jerk.“
She looked into his grief-stricken eyes. Eyes that were supposed to be filled with warmth and content. She studied his features. Time, he said. Time had changed them both. She saw the little grey streaks in his black hair, the faint wrinkles on his forehead. She knew what he meant. She also regretted every day she could not have spent near him. Two years he lived on, growing older, where she was not even existing. Missing out on him. Time. There is nothing crueler than time.
“Don't blame yourself, Kaidan“, her voice was silent. Hesitantly she touched his bruised cheekbones with her fingertips. She felt her skin burning where she touched his. “You've been through so much. As am I.“
“Do you even understand what you died means, Shepard?“, she frowned at his still angry tone. “On Horizon, I was full of hate and anger. I had spent the two years grieving and strolling around through life as an empty shell. I had lost the person I loved. She died. There was a funeral service. They buried an empty coffin. On that day when the Normandy went down I died, as well. When I saw you on Horizon nothing made sense to me anymore. Everything I had established in order to move on, in order to live again, was crumbling down the moment I'd seen you again,“ he gritted his teeth. It took him a while to continue. “I wanted to believe it was you but I was also scared of you. Scared of losing you again, scared of being hurt again. But now I know I handled it all wrong.“
She had failed to choke back the tears that were running down her cheeks. What he was saying made sense. She felt guilty for everything he had to endure. After Mars she had caught a glimpse of what he must have experienced.
“Hey, Shepard. What's going on?“, he gently wiped away the tears from her face. “Don't cry.“
“I'm so sorry...“, she whispered.
He smiled and took her hand again. At first squeezing it firmly, then carefully stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Her heart skipped a beat. “Don't be. I just want to know if we're good. If you can ever forgive me.“
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, suddenly embarrassed he was seeing her this way. “I've already done so, Kaidan. Don't worry anymore. Just focus on getting well.“
“I want you to know... I want you to know that I still care.“ Upon hearing his words she fought back the urge to bend over him and kiss him. She was afraid she would be too demanding. Everything felt so surreal. She cupped his cheek with one hand and formed an inaudible 'me too' with her lips.
She had some time left before she had to return to the Normandy. They had changed the topic and he was telling her about his spec ops program - the Biotics Division -, his family, his time in the hospital. They also began to flirt again reminding her of the time back on the first Normandy. When she left the hospital she felt light-hearted. She thought it weird. So much was going on around this galaxy and having a chit-chat with Kaidan made her feel optimistic again. In any case the time with him had lifted a huge weight off of her. It felt like she had finally escaped the rain.

Description
When Kaidan opened his eyes the dazzling light stung into his pupils immediately releasing a pain to his temples. He felt a pressure on his whole body and a hammering ache beneath his skullcap. His neck was stiff and his spine felt like hell. When he tried to raise his upper body the nausea overwhelmed him pressing him back into his bed. He covered his eyes with his hand took in a deep breath and exhaled calmly. Carefully he started another attempt. He stared at the unknown ceiling before his eyes started scanning his environment. He was in a hospital. Then he remembered what had happened. He had survived.
The door to his room opened with an awfully loud sound making him squint his eyes again.
“Ah!“, he heard a cheerful female voice. “Major Alenko! You're awake.“
He slowly turned his head to the right to recognize a familiar face. “Dr. Michel...“, his voice was hoarse, his mouth dry and his throat was burning. “I need... water.“
Dr. Michel nodded vigorously before leaving to bring him a glass of the desired liquid. “You must drink slowly, Major.“
He reached for the glass with a trembling hand. “Where am I?“, he said, his voice but a whisper.
“Huerta Memorial. On the Citadel. You were out for three days. Can you remember what happened?“, Dr. Michel cocked her head sympathetically.
Kaidan downed the water in one and started coughing. He felt his dizzyness increasing. It took him a while before he could answer. Slowly breathing in and out he found his voice again.
“I remember. I was with Shepard and Dr. T'Soni. On Mars“, Dr. Michel nodded typing something inside a datapad she was holding. “Some kind of cyborg messed me up. I thought I was dead.“
The red-haired doctor smiled softly. “No, but you were unconscious for several days. Actually it was a close call. Good they brought you here instantly.“
“The Normandy?“, Kaidan's eyes slightly widened.
“Yes. They docked on the Citadel and handed you over to our medics. Shepard visited you a few hours later after we had treated you. She was very worried. But I assured her you would survive. You really took heavy damage, Major. I can give you the medical report. In addition to lacerations, contusions and a severe concussion your implant was...“
“Shepard was here?“, he interrupted the doctor, his voice betraying his excitement.
“Yes, yes. The Commander was overanxious. She was afraid you wouldn't make it“, Dr. Michel formed yet another compassionate smile. “I can message her that you regained consciousness and are soon ready to welcome visitors if you're willing to.“
“No. I will text her. Thank you, Doc“, he did not know why but he wanted to write and invite her personally. “When can I leave?“
Dr. Michel chuckled shaking her head. She sighed and her face turned stern again. She lifted her index finger for a reprimanding gesture. “Don't rash things, Major. You just woke up. You still need to recover before we can release you. You're not even to leave this bed. And after your release it will take some more time before you can go into duty again.“
He scowled at the doctor. Definitely not the answer he was waiting for.
“As I was explaining earlier“, she continued not minding his mute objection. “You arrived in a serious state. Your implant was rattled. But it's the cerebral edema that concerns me the most“, Dr. Michel made a worried expression, genuine concern in her green eyes. “I don't want to upset you, Major, but I need to observe your brain under all circumstances. The swelling has decreased slightly. It might take weeks for you to recover.“
Kaidan rubbed his hands over his face. Hearing Dr. Michel's medical report devastated him. It meant he had to lay in this sterile hospital room while the galaxy was going down. It meant he could not fight alongside Shepard and the Normandy. It meant... the occurring thought horrified him. “My...“, he swallowed. “My biotics?“
Dr. Michel took a moment to think before she replied to him. For Kaidan it felt like an eternity. The anxiety seemed to overwhelm him. “At this point I can't give you a certain information yet. But I have already discussed the topic with other doctors. Your implant was not harmed, only rattled. The other doctors and I predict there will be no noticeable change concerning your biotics. But only time can tell.“
Relieved he leaned back into his pillow letting out a long breath he was holding in. “Thank you, Doc. You can't imagine what this means to me.“
Dr. Michel smiled softly. She appeared almost proud Kaidan thought. “Alright, Major. I will arrange for your meal and then we have to take some scans. Don't bother calling our personnel if you wish for something. See you later!“ With that said she turned on her heels and left him to his thoughts.

The last thing he remembered was being held by the mech on Mars and hearing Shepard screaming in exasperation. But he felt he also remembered hearing her voice later without being actually aware of it. A silent, urging beg for him to return. This voice... Warm, familiar, strong yet so fragile. He wondered if he had actually heard her or if it had been his imagination only.
“Shepard...“, he whispered placing his right hand on his chest above his heart. When he was on the verge of death it was her face he was seeing. Her image along with the image of the future. Things that might become reality one day. A galaxy at peace. He remembered how he thought he was dying desperately clutching to the mental image he was creating. How he tried to deny death when there was so much left he wanted to say, to feel, to accomplish. He had survived. The possibility of all this was still existing.
He thought about Shepard. All this time he had rejected her. Telling himself she was not the person he used to know. Merely a copy of the person he once had loved. Flesh without a spirit. A vessel without a soul. He was hurting her so he would not be hurt again. He grimaced at his own imbecility. Only now he realized how wrong he had been. How much time he had lost by neglecting her.

He felt it was her voice that had led him out of the darkness of unconsciouscness. He thought it would also be her voice that could make him leave the darkness he had surrounded himself with after she had died. Dead and yet alive. If only he could accept the fact that he had not lost it all and instead had been granted a second chance. The lost time he could have been by her side was irrecoverable but perhaps there was something left to rebuild. Perhaps he could grasp this chance now and make up for his mistakes.
“Shepard“, he said more firmly now. He tried to get up but failed. The pain still prevailing. Hastily he searched for his omnitool with his eyes. Then he found it on a table together with his other belongings. Out of his reach. He sighed exasperated. She would be probably busy anyway. Nevertheless he wanted to message her as fast as he could. To finally start mending things. He was toying with the idea of calling a nurse when his door opened. A relieved smile lightened up his face.
“Wow. Didn't expect you being so pleased to see me“, the woman grinned at him.
His smile vanished only to be replaced by an irritated expression. “Elizabeth?“, his jaw dropped when he watched her entering his room casually. “What are you doing here?“
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “I work here? Heard you woke up so I rushed over“, she shrugged. “How are you feeling, Kaidan? You arrived rather battered.“
“Great, thanks. Would you mind passing me my omnitool?“, he answered sardonically.
She cocked an eyebrow and reached for his omnitool to hand it over. “Were you expecting somebody or why were you beaming?“
“No, I wasn't. Just needed my omnitool. I'm still a little... limited“, Kaidan did not bother to look at her instead he scrolled through his omnitool. It bugged him that Elizabeth had turned up. He still felt uncomfortable having her around after the way the two had seperated. Elizabeth did not seem to feel as awkward though.
“So, not happy to see me?“, she smirked approaching his bed. “It's been quite a while, Kaidan.“
Kaidan did not fail to pick out the seducing tone in her voice. He put his omnitool down to look at her. The last time he had spoken with her had been shortly after meeting Shepard on Horizon. It had roughly been a year. Elizabeth had not change much. She still had her medium-length auburn hair falling down her back and an everlasting glitter in her blue eyes. She was pretty and she seemed more self-confident. But to Kaidan she still appeared dull and lacklustre. Nothing inside him moved when looking at her. “Yeah... I hope you're doing good.“
Smiling she patted his hairline. He frowned. “I do. As you can see I'm still working at this place. I'm quite happy although we have a lot of work lately. No wonder with all that shit going on. When you were brought in I was really upset. The thought of you dying scared me like hell. I was so furious with your Commander.“
“Shepard“, Elizabeth nodded when he mentioned the name. "Why would you be angry with Commander Shepard?"
“She almost let you die, Kaidan“, she expressed it as if she was stating the obvious.
“What are you talking about? We were on a mission. I'm a soldier. Me getting injured is a regular hazard. Part of the job“, her words had infuriated Kaidan and he made no attempt to hide it.
“Oh, please...“, Elizabeth rolled her eyes and made a derogatory gesture.
“No, Elizabeth“, he hissed. “It's not her fault.“
“You're still defending her, aren't you?“, she folded her arms. When Kaidan did not respond she continued. “I'm not surprised. You know, Kaidan, I've always been aware of the fact that you never desired me. You were looking through me. You were always searching for her when you looked at me. You never felt anything for me. I always knew. But I was so desperate, so pathetic. I was wishing so much for you to change. I was wishing you'd get over her. I hoped you'd somehow just stop feeling for her and start feeling for me," she paused, letting her words sink in. "But I was wrong. You were obsessed with her. And when she returned I knew I had lost you.“
Involuntarily Kaidan felt ashamed. He looked down at his hands. In his mind he tried to form sentences to console Elizabeth. After a while he broke the silence. “I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you,“ he rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. Sighing he continued. “I never got over Shepard, that's true. I've spent two years of my life living with the guilt of letting the person I loved down. I felt guilty for surviving when she was dead. I thought I didn't deserve just one more day in this fucked up galaxy when she was missing. In all objectivity things were going well for me. I got promoted, I met a nice girl who liked me,“ he saw her smiling sadly her arms still crossed at her midsection. “But inside of me there was a void I could not fill. I felt numb. I felt dead. I was nothing. I was a ghost controlled by anger, hate and despair. Only the thought of doing the right thing because she would expect me to do it, kept me going. So I tried to move on. I tried to be happy“, he paused for a moment. “Then I saw her again. On Horizon. I didn't want to believe it was her. I was so pissed. But I also realized how much I'd missed her. I realized there would never be a substitute for what she had been to me. Shepard was my missing part. She still is.“
Only the sound of the machines disturbed the silence that fell over the room. Kaidan saw the glistening in Elizabeth' tear-filled eyes.
“She was here“, she whispered hoarsely.
“So I was told.“
“She loves you.“
Kaidan stared at Elizabeth. “What?“
“It's visible to every fool. The way her eyes were restlessly searching for your frame. The way her voice sounded when speaking out your name. The way she looked at me with disgust, after she realized who I was“, she chuckled. “Never thought you'd tell her about me. I feel honoured.“
“I had to. I didn't want to lie to her. You didn't say anything to her, did you?“, he frowned. Suddenly fearing Elizabeth could have ruined the last chances to reconcile with Shepard. If there were some left in the first place. He would strangle Elizabeth if she had done so.
“No, I did not,“ she grinned mischievously. “But she was quite pissed when I said that I'd been checking in on you occasionally.“
Kaidan laughed at the image of a pissed off Shepard. “I guess you misinterpreted her reaction. She was worried because I am her soldier.“
Elizabeth raised a brow. She turned away to fumble around with a machine he was attached to. “You do know that you are breaking fraternization rules? I could report you two.“
Kaidan contorted his face repulsed by her outrageous comment. “When did you become so jaded, Elizabeth? Nothing happened between Shepard and I. Well... At least not after she disappeared.“
“I'm not jaded. I'm just sayin',“ she shrugged. “I don't care if you're screwing her or not but you should be careful. In any case, it's not bothering me anymore. To say being scorned by you didn't hurt me would be a lie, but I never harboured a grudge against you. Or her. I merely gave up on you. I have pride and dignity, you know. I can see how much you eat your heart out at her. And she does, too. Although I don't get what you see in her I wish you best of luck, Kaidan. And I shall not interfere“, she cracked a smile, kissed him on the cheek and left a stunned Kaidan behind as she walked off.

Still perplexed by the conversation he just had with Elizabeth, Kaidan took his omnitool to finally message Shepard. 'Hey, Shepard', he started typing but deleted the words again. 'Commander Shepard', he typed but that seemed too formal. He continued pondering how to start the message when his omnitool rang. Kaidan rolled his eyes. He would never finish that message. He winced when he saw who was calling him through a video communication. It was Councillor Udina.
“Councillor Udina, Sir“, he muttered obviously confused.
“Major Alenko“, Udina nodded with a stern face. “If you could spare a moment.“
“Of course, Councillor,“ he shifted inside his bed, wondering what the human councillor could possibly want from him. “I can spare several moments. According to Dr. Michel I'm not leaving this hospital anytime soon anyway.“
Udina forced a smile that did not reach his eyes. “I am pleased to see you're recovering, Major“, Udina folded his hands on the table he was seating at. “Otherwise it would have meant the loss of an exceptionally valuable soldier.“
Kaidan could not help himself. Udina's compliment seemed rather dishonest. Possibly because of the councillor's conceited face or his monotonous, languid voice. Nevertheless he managed to fake a smile. “Thank you, Councillor.“
Udina merely nodded. “I shall come to the point. The council has decided to offer you a status as the second human Spectre.“
“A Spectre?“, Kaidan was startled. The information had taken him by surprise. “Me?“
“Indeed. A Spectre is chosen out of the best. In my assessment you are one of the best, Major.“ Udina watched Kaidan expectantly. Kaidan was at a loss for words. A Spectre. The second human Spectre. He needed a few moments to comprehend what was happening.
“I most certainly understand if you need some time to consider“, Udina saved Kaidan the answer. “Especially at your current condition. Nervertheless I expect an answer soon, Major.“
Kaidan cleared his throat. “You caught me a little off-guard. I'm honoured, Councillor. But, yeah... I need to think.“
Udina nodded. “Please consider the offer. I will come back to you, Major Alenko. Have a good day.“
Kaidan nodded and hung up.
He stared at the wall trying to digest the offer he had just been made. A spectre. He felt overwhelmed, honoured and also anxious. He was not able to decide wether he would accept or turn down the offer. He would ask for Shepard's opinion. He smiled. Finally he was free to proceed messaging her.

***

“Am I good to go, Doc?“, Eurydice looked up at Dr. Chakwas who was performing a thorough scan on the Commander. “You're too eager since you came onboard the Normandy again.“
Karin Chakwas chuckled.“That's what I do, Shepard. I don't even want to imagine how much you let yourself slide when I was absent.“
Eurydice mimicked a serious face. “What would I do without you, Doc?“
Chakwas pursed her lips and shook her head. “Okay, everything's fine. You're dismissed.“
The commander laughed throatily at the reversal of roles. “Ah, Karin. It's so good to have you back. And Garrus, too.“
Karin Chakwas smiled and sat at her desk leaning back in her swivel chair. “Just like one happy family.“
Eurydice bid the doctor good bye and exited the med bay. In the mess hall she saw the members of her squad engaged in a conversation.
“It's good to have you back, Garrus“, Liara stood outside her office with folded arms but with a content look on her face.
“It's definitely good to be back. Now just add Tali and Wrex and we're complete“, Garrus answered nostalgically who leaned against the wall opposite to Liara.
“Almost complete“, Eurydice added as she walked up to them. She was thinking of Kaidan. She knew Garrus was out of sorts with Kaidan after what had happened on Horizon. However she felt her squad was not complete without Kaidan. Perhaps he would rejoin after his release. Truth be told, she was hoping for it. “So, Garrus, do you think you will adjust?“
Garrus made an expression which Eurydice rated as amused. “Definitely, Shepard. I will move in into my old place again. What would this ship be without my calibrations?“
“There we go with calibrations again“, Joker's voice sounded through the comms.
“I see, nothing's changed. Joker's still spying in on everybody“, the turian's mandibles flared.
“You scared I'll watch you shower, Vakarian? Gotta disappoint you, though. You're not my type.“
Everyone present laughed. It definitely felt good having these people around her, Eurydice thought. With them at her side the future did not seem as dark as she had guessed. With them and with Kaidan.
“Yo, since we're happy family again, let's drink something. Tequila's on me! Need to get to know you guys better“, Vega who was leaning on the mess hall's counter shouted.
“Lieutenant Vega, we're not on shore leave. We're heading to the Citadel, since we're on a mission.“ Eurydice folded her arms and shifted the wait to her other foot. “I don't remember allowing you to have drinks just like that anyway.“
“Ah, come on, Lola!“, Vega lifted his palms up with an exaggerated face of disappointment. “What else do we have that bar for?“
“Lola?“, Eurydice frowned in confusion. Then she rolled her eyes and resignated. “I'm in a good mood today. I'm allowing you all one drink, not more. I'll join you in a bit. Just finishing off some duties which you lot apparently don't have.“
Vega cheered. “Woohoo! Qué bacano! Lola, you're the best. Vakarian, you in for a poker match?“
Eurydice grimaced at her lighthearted team and walked over to the elevator in order to check in on the Primarch Victus.
“Commander, you have new messages on your private terminal“, Eurydice heard Traynor saying when she exited the elevator to the CIC.
“Thank you, Traynor“, she walked to her terminal and logged in scrolling through her messages. There was one from Thane Krios which said he was at Huerta Memorial. It delighted Eurydice. She would visit him later when she had spare time. Then she spotted the email she was anticipating.

Hey Shepard,
Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time.
Councillor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about wether or not I should accept. Stop by my rooms at the hospital when you're on the Citadel. I'd like your advice.
Thanks, Kaidan.

Eurydice fought hard to supress a squeal. So many thoughts flashed across her mind. He was well. He wanted to see her. He will be a Spectre. She felt relieved, happy, excited, proud. With a big grin she rushed over to the cockpit, not minding Traynor's confused look. “Joker! ETA?“
Joker gave her a startled look from his shoulder. “Commander, what's the matter? Am I missing out on some big party on the Citadel, or what?“, Joker typed into a control panel. “Six hours. Want me to speed up?“

***

After several meetings and purchases were done, Eurydice had two hours left before the Normandy would take off to Sur'Kesh. When the elevator's doors to Huerta Memorial opened she was immediately repelled by the stench of antiseptics and blood. The hospital was filled with injured turian that were brought from Palaven. Nurses were running around frantically. She heard people sobbing. On the left of the patient lounge she spotted Thane in front of the window exercising.
“Siha,“ he said turning around. She wondered how he had noticed her. “I was worried for you.“
“Thane,“ she smiled softly. “Good to see you staying in shape. How are you?“
“My disease kills slowly but I'm feeling well. I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle so death can be delayed.“ Although Thane's disease was no news to Shepard his words saddened her. During the time of their suicide mission the drell had grown dear on her heart. “Ah, Siha. Don't grieve for me. What are you doing here?“
She looked to the direction of Kaidan's room. “I'm visiting a friend. Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me.“
Thane nodded. “The human biotic. We have spoken. He seems an honourable man. I see you are caring for him. I will look out for him while he's here.“
Moved by his concern Eurydice gently touched the drell's arm and smiled at him thankfully. They continued talking about Thane's disease and about Shepard's mission.
When they had finished Eurydice stopped at a store called Sirta Supplies. She thought it would be nice getting something for Kaidan. Browsing through the store she spotted a Peruvian Whiskey. “Perfect“, she spoke to herself grinning.

Nervous she entered the door to his room and found Udina speaking to Kaidan. Instinctively she wanted to turn around and leave them be, but apparently Udina was already on his way out. The councillor greeted her and she followed suit. Then she turned around to a tentatively smiling Kaidan.
“Hey you,“ she said trying to sound casual. He was still badly bruised and seeing him like that ached her. Then again, the mission on Mars happened no more than a week ago, so he was doing rather good.
“Hey, Shepard. I was hoping you would come around.“
She thought of the day he was attacked. How anxious she had felt when he was rushed in here. How bummed out she had been when she saw him lying here unconscious. Now his amber eyes were looking at her and his low, husky voice was audible again. It made her feel at peace.
She wanted to tell him that his condition had been constantly on her mind and receiving his mail had made her so happy. She brushed it off though and seated herself on the chair next to his bed. “So, what did Udina want? Did you accept his offer?“
Kaidan averted his eyes from her. “He wants me to decide already. But I'm not sure. I don't know if I am the right person to be a Spectre.“
“Of course you are!“, Shepard's voice pitched a little higher. “I can't imagine anybody who'd be more fitting than you are, Kaidan Alenko.“
He looked at her in surprise. “You really think so?“
She smiled gingerly and nodded. Then she remembered the bottle and reached into her bag. “Here. I got you something“, she said and offered him the bottle of whiskey.
Kaidan's eyes widened and a big smile extended across his face. “Thank you, Shepard. You're... That's great. When I'm out we'll crack it open and celebrate,“ he snorted. “Damn, I really want to get out of here already.“
Eurydice chuckled. “I've been talking to Dr. Michel. She gave me your medical report. No way in hell are you going to leave so soon.“
Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Great. Now you're in bed with her, too.“
“Speaking of which,“ Eurydice raised an eyebrow. “I've met the charming Dr. Drake,“ she saw Kaidan's face reddening immediately. He began stuttering. “Your girlfriend?“
“No!“, he exclaimed. His face a mixture of embarrassment and dismay. “No, Shepard. She isn't... I mean...“
Eurydice swallowed. She regretted her question. She was curious but she was also afraid of his answer. And seeing him stumbling around like that was confirming that there was more to it than 'drinks on the Citadel'. “It's alright, Kaidan. What we once had, lies in the past. I can perfectly understand. I died, you moved on. After all you think I'm a husk,“ she chuckled bitterly.
Kaidan gripped her hand and her face froze. He glared at her, his angry look confusing her. “Listen, Shepard. Where should I start? I had broken off contact with Elizabeth after what had happened on Horizon. Plain-spoken after seeing you, I realized I had not moved on. She is working here, that's all. We're neither together nor friends,“ Eurydice tried to pull herself together not to show her relieve. “I never called you a husk by the way.“
She felt the jealousy that had been accompanying her fading. Whatever had happened between him and other women should not be of her concern, nevertheless she was glad there was nothing going on between him and that arrogant bitch anymore. She felt his warmth through the embrace of their hands. It felt good. Then she pulled her hand away. “You did. On Mars.“
“Then I clearly lost my memory over there“, she could not help but laugh. As a result he also smiled at her. “I wonder, Shepard. Will we ever be able to get over this? I mean after Mars, after Horizon. The horrible things I've said to you back then, I can't apologize enough for what I've said. Instead of being happy that you were brought back and I was given a second chance, I rejected you. I'm sorry. I hate myself for that. But mostly I hate myself for the time I've lost because I was busy being a jerk.“
She looked into his grief-stricken eyes. Eyes that were supposed to be filled with warmth and content. She studied his features. Time, he said. Time had changed them both. She saw the little grey streaks in his black hair, the faint wrinkles on his forehead. She knew what he meant. She also regretted every day she could not have spent near him. Two years he lived on, growing older, where she was not even existing. Missing out on him. Time. There is nothing crueler than time.
“Don't blame yourself, Kaidan“, her voice was silent. Hesitantly she touched his bruised cheekbones with her fingertips. She felt her skin burning where she touched his. “You've been through so much. As am I.“
“Do you even understand what you died means, Shepard?“, she frowned at his still angry tone. “On Horizon, I was full of hate and anger. I had spent the two years grieving and strolling around through life as an empty shell. I had lost the person I loved. She died. There was a funeral service. They buried an empty coffin. On that day when the Normandy went down I died, as well. When I saw you on Horizon nothing made sense to me anymore. Everything I had established in order to move on, in order to live again, was crumbling down the moment I'd seen you again,“ he gritted his teeth. It took him a while to continue. “I wanted to believe it was you but I was also scared of you. Scared of losing you again, scared of being hurt again. But now I know I handled it all wrong.“
She had failed to choke back the tears that were running down her cheeks. What he was saying made sense. She felt guilty for everything he had to endure. After Mars she had caught a glimpse of what he must have experienced.
“Hey, Shepard. What's going on?“, he gently wiped away the tears from her face. “Don't cry.“
“I'm so sorry...“, she whispered.
He smiled and took her hand again. At first squeezing it firmly, then carefully stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Her heart skipped a beat. “Don't be. I just want to know if we're good. If you can ever forgive me.“
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, suddenly embarrassed he was seeing her this way. “I've already done so, Kaidan. Don't worry anymore. Just focus on getting well.“
“I want you to know... I want you to know that I still care.“ Upon hearing his words she fought back the urge to bend over him and kiss him. She was afraid she would be too demanding. Everything felt so surreal. She cupped his cheek with one hand and formed an inaudible 'me too' with her lips.
She had some time left before she had to return to the Normandy. They had changed the topic and he was telling her about his spec ops program - the Biotics Division -, his family, his time in the hospital. They also began to flirt again reminding her of the time back on the first Normandy. When she left the hospital she felt light-hearted. She thought it weird. So much was going on around this galaxy and having a chit-chat with Kaidan made her feel optimistic again. In any case the time with him had lifted a huge weight off of her. It felt like she had finally escaped the rain.