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Emerald-Alexandria — How Far Does a Child Stretch?
Published: 2013-09-30 08:51:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 943; Favourites: 29; Downloads: 0
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How Far Does a Child Stretch?A horrible question, I know, but isn't that what aging is?
Rising more paper thin after every scraped knee and memory scabbed over,
Yet taller and taller after each step?
We measure our lives in units of misery nowadays.
Showering ourselves with sparkling pieces of armor, calling them crystallized teardrops
When we all know that they're just rhinestones glued to the body like a mask.
Shouting through a bullhorn how quiet and meek we are--
It's one thing to wear the paint on our face, but to swallow it and swish it over your throat so it colors your words is a whole other.
We wear our remorse and regret on our sleeves, bracelets of slits and pocketknives,
Flashing every drop of sweat like a tiara for our adoring crowds, varying in numbers, to swoon over us in a massive wave of pity.
We stretch ourselves to the point that pity feels good and safe, until we are a flat line, buried in a flurry of mistakes like ill-advised tattoos.
When you're that thin, of course you'll get knocked over and forced on your knees with a breath of wind.
But doesn't any impact feel good, better than none at all?
So, how far DOES a child stretch?
Far enough to feel as thin as they think they have to.
Far enough to feel some of that impact, too.
As far as we stretch ourselves.
As far as they can.
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Comments: 16
You've got your first line as the title. You don't need it in the poem.
I'm going to go line by line as I read this, so go with my stream of consciousness. Also I'm a bit loopy so if my critique is shite... no, don't blame it on me being loopy.
I like the question, but I don't like your immediate response. Let the idea of it sink in to the reader (thus having it as the title and not the first line) then, use the physical stretching, as if on a wrack, to talk about psychological and emotional stretching (inner child in adults, maybe the psyche of the perpetual man boy woman girl, adults who behave like children?)
I'd nix "a horrible question, I know." leave "but isn't that aging?
I find something less cliche than paper thin, maybe a different injury than a scraped knee, I'd rather see how a memory is scabbed over (purposefully denied and forgotten) than just being told that happens.
taller and taller after each step can be cut.
take out the word nowadays. We measure our lives in misery (but better, what miseries, maybe find a commonplace misery, and use that instead of the word misery.)
Armor sparkling teardrops ... all common words, find something else, but maybe talk about specific things done in life as a result of the armor, how it is different, compare and contrast child to teenager?
you could cut the rhinestones line totally.
And the last six I think.
Mostly, through the whole work, take out some of the more common images and replace them with more specific, concrete images. I'd say this is a pretty good first or second draft though.
I like the opening image, the idea of a child stretching, this is extremely strong, and using that strong, almost repulsive image, to hook a reader is great. examining how life can mold can stretch can change children, or people in general, is of course a constant re examination. I'm giving you some mediocore marks here, but I don't give those stars easily either. I think that, with some re working, you can make this really strong.
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FOR TLDR, Look to the last 2 paragraphs.
Okay, lets start with the title. Deviant-Arts format automatically makes the first line of your poem into the title. I guess I could have changed it, but saw no big reason to.
"A horrible question, I know, but isn't that what aging is?"
I'm emphasizing the narrator to be an everyday person. If you asked someone how far a child stretched, you'd get some weird looks too. But I do understand that maybe it takes away from the poem, I can see how you think that...
"Rising more paper thin after every scraped knee and memory scabbed over/ Yet taller and taller after each step?"
This line explains the emotional growing as the child gets older, and how it naturally occurs with aging. I used scraped knees because that is the most common injury ever held by children (I would skin my knees every day) and I feel that its a part of growing up. I didn't go over "memory scabbed over" as I thought it was obvious what I meant. I used "taller and taller..." with the line "rising more paper thin (I do agree with you that it is a cliche` line, but I think it works in this context) to put a visual with the stretching-- thinner and taller and thinner and taller.
"We measure our lives in units of misery nowadays.
Showering ourselves with sparkling pieces of armor, calling them crystallized teardrops
When we all know that they're just rhinestones glued to the body like a mask."
This is where we get to where the poem really starts to hold its meaning/ You are presented with an image of someone putting on a sparkling armor (maybe I could have used a bit more elevated language here, I will give you that) and I used the rhinestone line to add some glamour and glitz to this armor- an odd combination. The point of this coincides with the line in between these two, "calling them crystallized teardrops". Think of the first line in this part-- measuring in units of misery". We are presented with the idea of someone faking teardrops, and putting them on display for attention. Because they think that the sadder they look, the better people will perceive them. I wouldn't dare remove the rhinestone line after this, I am in love with the picture it paints.
"Shouting through a bullhorn how quiet and meek we are--/
It's one thing to wear the paint on our face, but to swallow it and swish it over your throat so it colors your words is a whole other."
The first line in this part is just another display of someone using flashy ways to show their flaws for attention. The next line, I adore. The idea of swallowing paint as a physical image of "telling colorful tales" and lying is a vivid and strong image indeed. Expressing one's need to lie in a world where the sadder you are, the more people rush to your side.
"Flashing every drop of sweat like a tiara for our adoring crowds, varying in numbers, to swoon over us in a massive wave of pity.
We stretch ourselves to the point that pity feels good and safe, until we are a flat line, buried in a flurry of mistakes like ill-advised tattoos."
This line gives an image of people pitying you, and you loving it, because at the pitiful state you are in (lying and squirming for attention all you see it), and it presents your wrong doings as "ill-advised tattoos", which I think is a good way of putting it, as your are warping your appearance for no good reason at all.
Now let's look at the last 6 lines you said so promptly that I should remove.
"When you're that thin, of course you'll get knocked over and forced on your knees with a breath of wind.
But doesn't any impact feel good, better than none at all?
So, how far DOES a child stretch?
Far enough to feel as thin as they think they have to.
Far enough to feel some of that impact, too.
As far as we stretch ourselves.
As far as they can."
First two lines- any impact, pitiful or angry, or what-have-you, that you receive from people when you force yourself to a frail state of attention-craving, feels GOOD.
I then repeat the question to go back to the main topic-- how does this effect children, whose stretching process I described in the start is a natural stretch that is a part of life, in contrast to the constant stretching that adults do to themselves for attention. They stretch as far as they see us stretch, as children are sponges that learn habits fast, and they see how badly we like that impact, and therefore, want some too.
I appreciate your review, and can even handle a low rating. What I don't like is when a critic suggests removing lines, lines that I feel are sacred and critical to the story I'm trying to tell. Of course, I'm biased, but you not only didn't give much reason to nix most lines, but you came across as not understanding the point of the piece. This is not my strongest poem. It was written in the 9th grade (Seeing as I'm 19 now, this is quite a while). The only reason I submitted it was because it was chosen to be published in The Literary Yard magazine "literaryyard.com/2013/10/11/po… " , and I felt I should have it up, as I linked them with my dA page. While it is very weak in its word choice at points, and sometimes comes across as juvenile and repetitive, to suggest removing lines really upset me. This is NOT a 5 star poem. In fact, it might not even be a 4 star poem. But I think you disliked it for the wrong reasons. This poem is one of my babies. Of course I am completely biased, but to suggest that a line in my baby is terrible and should be tossed away was really affronting.
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my poem. It really showed me how much I have improved over the years, Your input was great and I really left with something.
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Yeah.... I definitely went a bit too far with this reply^
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I agree about the first line not being needed
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I'm glad you agree with one thing I said.
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Haha, that seems like the #1 improvement that this poem can make is to not waste the time to repeat itself.
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I really can't get over how amazing your writing is. It just gets better and better, it's a great source of inspiration thank you for making it.
It really does describe just how eerie life is these days..
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Thank you. Trust me, if you look at some of my older stuff, its terrible. This skill took years of practice.
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Thank you so much ^_^
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Thank you so much!
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Of course!-- You're writings are amazing.
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" Shouting through a bullhorn how quiet and meek we are-- "
" It's one thing to wear the paint on our face, but to swallow it and swish it over your throat so it colors your words is a whole other. "
" But doesn't any impact feel good, better than none at all? "
Oh god, I love your prose, this text is excellent. The three sentences I quote are my favourite and I probably even more love the last one. There's an awesome energy in your work, I really love it.
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I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it this much. I like those lines too ^_^
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