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Erua — Things I am not Allowed...
Published: 2011-09-07 06:23:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 620; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 2
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To do in ChurchThings I am Not Allowed to Do in Church
1. Wear a costume pair of horns
2. Wear a costume halo
3. Wear a fake beard
4. Wear knee-high mismatching socks
5. Wear a corset
6. Wear medieval clothing
7. Wear 16th century clothing
8. Wear 19th century clothing
9. If it is not modern day clothing, I just should not wear it, no matter how conservative.
10. The 40s are not modern.
11. Neither are the 80s.
12. Sing with the choir without asking
13. Sing with the choir after asking
14. Attempt to convert people to Christianity
15. Interrupt the speaker during a sermon to ask what "omnipotence" means when he pronounces it "omni-potents"
16. Wear Mickey Mouse ears
17. Ask if toucans and chimpanzees have souls that can be damned, only to follow up with an explanation about how the females often hold orgies together.
18. Ask if I'm going to hell for merely existing. I am also not allowed to explain how I live my life is an excellent way to live according to Christianity and social etiquette, pause and wait for the person I am asking to answer with a "no, probably not" and then say, "I wasn't done. I'm gay," even if it was an honest question.
19. Bring in a whoopee cushion
20. Wear squeaky shoes
21. Put a light-up book cover on my bible
22. Read Percy Jackson
23. Or anything that is not the Bible
24. Ask a speaker to explain why God is so forgiving, if He said His name was "Jealousy and Spite"
25. Ask why God is so cruel to people if he is so forgiving
26. Ask why Judaism is so bad if Jesus was a Jew
27. Ask why Jews for Jesus are not actually Christians
28. Ask any more questions
29. Ever, ever hiccup
30. Discuss my latest story idea, even if there are no zombies, monsters, fairies, magic, or talking animals
31. Comment on how the refreshments taste stale, and how they served the same kind of stuff a month ago
32. Bring in a ventriloquist dummy and speak to it, and have it speak back, especially if it scares people
33. Talk about how I might have seen a face in my burnt toast this morning and wonder what it meant
34. Talk about how, being part Israeli myself, I may somehow be very, very distantly related to Jesus through his aunt or something.
35. Correct people when they say Jesus was not Israeli and say he did not look western European at all. Really. I am not allowed to do this, young lady, or the pastor will be speaking to my mother.
36. Talk about how Odysseus was sort of like a Grecian Jesus
37. Open my mouth at all
38. Or use sign language
39. In fact, if I ever do come, I should just sit there quietly, wearing jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt, and listen to the word of God.
40. Lil' Cal is not God.
41. I also need to wear socks.
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Comments: 9
Funny. I'm tempted to do some of these things
And I am totally going to hell just for existing. Got me a reserved seat, I like to say
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((your list made me lol! but wow. i would hate to go to your church. O.o
if i couldn't speak my opinions fr33ly, i would die. and i wore kn33-high mismatch socks to church today, actually. i got some compliments...
lolol, l'il cal is not God, he is Lord English, obviously. that cr33py stare... he's coming for your soul!! h33 h33! 
:33 < as fur the critique thing (is not a premium member, can't do the fancy-style critique, sorry):
-i think ofurall this is a highly entertaining list. your humour is very skillfully done. sometimes it's subtle (like with the toast thing) and sometimes not so much (like with the whoop33 cushion thing). the range is good!
-the thing in parenthesis in #29 detracts from the statement itself.
-some things are complete sentences that end with periods, and some aren't. make the syntax parallel, okay?
-numbers 9, 10, and 11 make the preceding numbers funnier, as does 28 fur 24 - 27. that's good!
-i think you ought to categorize your items a little bit more - you have a thing about socks in the first set of ten, and then, randomly, #41.
-in the same way that 9, 10, and 11 were a punchline fur 1 - 8, #14, #39, or purrhaps #40 would make a great ending line fur the entire thing.
Hope that helps!!
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Thanks so much for the critique! You have no idea how much I love you for this, "Nepeta"
I never said that it was done all in one church, and most of it was fictional anyway, so don't worry about going to my church. I don't have one. However,I was trying to go with as little punctuation as possible, but some needed to be multiple sentences. I tried to keep it to, if it isn't a complete sentence, it has no punctuation. What do you think would be best, all or nothing?
As for 29 most people's hiccups are quiet, is the thing. But I totally get it. I've spent a while debating on whether to take it out.
41 was added on sort of like the punch-line, the final act of defiance. The pastor told me one day Number 39, then 40 is fake, but the next week I came without socks.
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:33 < h33 h33, you're welcome!
:33 < phew! 
:33 < i would go fur 'all'. you could put commas at the end of a couple of them, like a fr33 verse poem. which this could technically be if you wanted to think of it that way.
:33 < as fur line 41 - hmmm... i still think it would be better if you picked another line as the ending. since you don't say in the list whether each thing is real or not, no one knows it's the final act of defiance except you. so fur the reader who doesn't have that infurmation, #40 would be a more impactful ending.
:33 < i'm glad you liked the critique! i love commenting on cool art.
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THIS LIST. it was made of pure fucking awesome.
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This list is made of 100% WIN. There, I said it...
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