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Description
The Lay of the Brave Prince Duke and his Valiant and Heroic Battle with the Dread Dragon

CHARACTER LIST
DRAGON – Preferably green, has wings and tail; A "terrible" dragon who tries to act much more fearsome than he really is
PRINCESS FLOWER – Beautiful, blond hair; The only daughter of the King and Queen, betrothed to Prince Duke
PRINCE DUKE – handsome, carries a sword; an extremely arrogant Prince of a nearby kingdom trying to win Princess Flower's love through quests; he speaks only in third person

SETTING
A sparcely decorated cave. There may be several "rocks" lying around. They may be crates of varying sizes. All are near the back, out of the way. There is a tea set used in a later portion of the play but is kept out of view of the audience until then (hide behind a rock?).

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[Enter DRAGON and FLOWER, arriving at DRAGON's cave; DRAGON is carrying FLOWER over his shoulder, and FLOWER is crying; upon reaching center stage, DRAGON drops FLOWER unceremoniously]

DRAGON: Well, here we are, home sweet… uh… cave. Excuse the mess; I wasn't expecting visitors.

FLOWER: [whimpers pitifully and audibly, cowering on floor; whispers] Not again…

DRAGON: Woops, I've forgotten tradition, sorry! Old Fangtooth would have my hide. Ahem. [Clears throat, then roars in FLOWER's face. This is posing however and lacks a certain commitment] Fear me! Rawr! I am the ferocious dragon who terrorizes your realm, and I have captured you! Now do as I say, slave, lest I decide to eat you for a snack! [aside, quietly] With ketchup, because otherwise humans are too crunchy.

FLOWER: [startled, crawls quickly away] Ahh! Please, don't eat me!

DRAGON: [roars, cuts off] Oh, wait, you're scared? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you, it's just that's what he told me to do, it's tradition… or… something… [intrigued/excited] Were you really scared? Really?

FLOWER: [confused] Uh, you're the terrifying, fire breathing dragon that has been plaguing the realm?

DRAGON: Ugh, breathing fire. You think you humans get bad heartburn?

FLOWER: [looks confused, sighs, no longer scared] …You're not very good at this, are you?

DRAGON: No. [slumps dejectedly] You're my first princess and I don't want to screw up.

FLOWER: [Feeling more confident of her situation] …Hey, you're doing fine. This is my third time being kidnapped, so don't worry, I'll help you out. You want me to play along a little bit? [comforts DRAGON, with her hand on his shoulder]

DRAGON: [nods, sniffles a little] Mmhmm.

FLOWER: Okay then, just tell me what to do.

[DRAGON and FLOWER freeze, blackout on them, PRINCE runs in on side of stage, brandishing sword]

PRINCE: Huzzah! Another adventure for the magnificent and glorious Prince Duke! The Prince is excited by this prospect! Worry not, Princess Flower, Prince Duke is coming to save you from the horrible dragon. The Prince will eviscerate his throat, gouge his eyes, cleave his skull, and smite his limbs from his body. [smiling broadly] For the glory! And the wenches! [awkward pause] Princess. For the Princess. Onward! [Flourishes, exit]

[return to DRAGON and FLOWER; FLOWER is polishing DRAGON's scales]

DRAGON: …and I don't even like eating humans! They get stuck in my teeth, and it itches for days afterwards. [Pause, looks at her] Do you think I'm allergic?

FLOWER: ["interested," playing along] I don't know. How's this, shiny enough?

DRAGON: Hmm? [uninterested] Oh, yeah. [pause, grunt ("harrumph"); getting angrier] Why do I have to listen to those old bats anyway? What's their stupid tradition worth? I don't want to kidnap princesses and ransom them for a bounty. It's been done too many times. It's too mainstream.

FLOWER: Oh yes, I agree. Totally overrated.

DRAGON: I really want to fly. Just fly. You know, like performing. People would watch, I would do tricks or something, and we'd all be happy. But noooooo. I have to be a traditionalist and follow everything the elders say. A bunch of hooey if you ask me.

FLOWER: [slightly sarcastic] Sounds like a great idea, I bet the peasantry would be really into it. [pause] But I'm curious, why do this whole kidnapping thing in the first place if you hate it so much?

DRAGON: It's 'cause I'm supposed to. It's a coming of age thing. I pass this test, I'm accepted into the Elder Council of our Den and everyone's happy, I'm all powerful and stuff.

FLOWER: So it's a final exam?

DRAGON: Of sorts. So I can't screw up, or apparently my life is worthless.

FLOWER: And if you fail?

DRAGON: You are banished from all gatherings, everything from the high election every 100 years to the yearly Holiday Party.

FLOWER: That's awfully mean of them… [Pause, thinking] …so, what exactly determines a fail?

DRAGON: A dragon being defeated by a knight or prince, the princess escaping, things like that.

FLOWER: …would the dragons who kidnapped me before have failed?

DRAGON: Probably.

FLOWER: Oh god. Now I feel bad.

DRAGON: Don't worry about it, you didn't know.

FLOWER: No, no, [correcting herself] now I… I feel bad about you. You, at least, seem nice; I don't want you to fail.

[DRAGON is stunned; blackout on them, PRINCE enters on side of stage]

PRINCE: Here the Prince Duke arrives; a lovely town, yet beneath his majesty. Here! The Prince Duke demands of you, innkeeper, to bequeath unto him both food and lodging for the night, for tomorrow he rides forth to the lair of the vicious beast that has captured his fair lady! [draws sword, flourish] Fear not, lowly peasant, for his valiancy knows no bounds! [attempts to put his foot up on something, but there is nothing there. An arbitrary stage hand runs up and crawls under his foot to act as a support] The Prince shall rid thee of thy plight at the hands… er… claws of the green dragon! But now he rests. To bed! [Flourishes sword, charges off stage; stagehand stays for a moment then follows him hurriedly]

[return to DRAGON and FLOWER; both are sitting, sipping tea]

DRAGON: What is this, your fourth time being captured?

FLOWER: Third.

DRAGON: So how'd you manage that?

FLOWER: Oh, you know, it's something to do. Life as a princess tends to get boring at times. Always processing here, sitting there, or waving to hoards of citizens. Banquets every night. Sure you get people fawning over you every hour of the day but what does a girl have to do to get some quiet? And don't even get me started on that creep Prince Duke. I mean honestly, he talks in third person! All the time. Like he's narrating his own life.

DRAGON: Prince Duke?

FLOWER: He's the Prince and I'm stuck marrying him. He spends most of his time prancing around, waving his sword about. He's mostly harmless but every now and then runs off adventuring. He'll kill some harmless giant then force the bards to write songs about it. He's the one who saved me the last couple of times, actually killed the first Dragon that captured me. I almost preferred them to the idiot.

DRAGON: Really? [Unsettled] He seems... pleasant.

FLOWER: I know, right? He's probably on his way here right now.

DRAGON: What?! [jumps up, spills tea; FLOWER freezes, confused]

FLOWER: …What's the matter?

DRAGON: [muttering, starts pacing] Oh god I gotta get ready, oh man, Brightscales above.

FLOWER: Dragon, what's wrong?

DRAGON: He's coming, coming… gotta get ready, he's coming. [yelling, turns to FLOWER] I don't wanna fight him! I'm a bleeding pacifist!

FLOWER: You're a what?! What kind of dragon are you?

DRAGON: [freaking out] Not a very good one! I thought we went over this already! What'm I gonna do… oh man what will I DO! [points at FLOWER] Slave! Er, Princess! Tell me what to do!

FLOWER: [putting her tea down next to her] I don't know!

DRAGON: Oh man. Dragon pox! That bleeding prince is on his way to kill me. I hate humans. I. HATE. HUMANS. And Fangtooth, I hate him too. Stupid! Of all the…

FLOWER: [standing] Stop it. This isn't getting you anywhere.

DRAGON: I don't care! This is ridiculous! I'm telling you, [screaming] I'll just get killed! [collapses into a ball, in which he stays during PRINCE's entrance]

[loud crash from offstage, horn flourish sound effect plays?; PRINCE enters]

PRINCE: AHA! The Prince has caught you at your villainy! Cornered in your lair! The brave Prince Duke has crossed deserts, climbed mountains, and slain monsters great and greater! The hideous giant Bramadoc; The devilish Dragon Flametail! The Prince defeated the villainous wizard Oscatatoth despite his deceitful guise as a harmless peasant and cleansed the entire village filled with his mindless thralls! All who are unjust have fallen before his blade! [To audience] This battle shall test his courage and skill, the climax of his journey. It ends here, [draws sword] it ends now! Come, beast, and be slain!

DRAGON: [during and after PRINCE'S speech] Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod…

PRINCE: The Prince recognizes your fear, and feels no remorse! CHARGE! [Charges, trips and falls on outstretched sword] Oh!

[Silence for an extended period of time, all characters unmoving; DRAGON stands up slowly]

DRAGON: [coughs] Uhh… Did that just…?

FLOWER: [In shock] …Yeah, it did.

[PRINCE reaches up suddenly, gasping; DRAGON and FLOWER jump, staring at PRINCE; PRINCE continues gasping and groaning in a dramatic death throes; DRAGON and FLOWER stare confused/awkwardly until his last gasp]

FLOWER: Weeeell… That deals with that problem.

DRAGON: [whimpers] …What happens next?

FLOWER: I don't know, this hasn't happened before. He really is dead. Wow. That was… I don't even know…

DRAGON: [thinking, suddenly starts crying] Oh no…

FLOWER: Hey, don't worry it wasn't your fault. [Gestures at Prince Duke's body] That was all him.

DRAGON: [still crying] That's not it…

FLOWER: Then what's wrong?

DRAGON: I just realized something

FLOWER: What?

DRAGON: [stuttering in between sobs] There's no end to this! There's always another Prince, or knight or something. And I can't get this lucky every time! [gestures in Prince Duke's general direction. Duke tries to rise once more with some threat before collapsing again. The two pay him no mind]

FLOWER: [Consoling] Well, it's not like you have to keep doing this.

DRAGON: But I'm a dragon! It's what we do! The clan will outcast me if I don't!

FLOWER: Really? You told me before you didn't want that kind of life anyway.

DRAGON: But… but… I'll become an outcast… and stuff…

FLOWER: Is it really so bad as you're making it out to be?

DRAGON: [calming down, but still crying] …well…maybe not...but… I'm scared… I don't know what I want to do.

FLOWER: [Pause, thoughtful] Let me ask you something, Dragon. Why is it that you care? You told me that you wanted to leave and be an acrobatic flyer.

DRAGON: …Yeah, I did say that, didn't I? [Cheering up] I love flying. And I never really did like those holiday parties either! Too much scale in too little space.

FLOWER: Then go for it! You leave what you hate for something you love. Besides, I hear the entertainment business is booming right about now

[DRAGON gets excited imagining the possibilities; face darkens when he realizes that it
means parting ways with the Princess]

DRAGON: But what about you?

FLOWER: Oh, well you know. [getting slower and more sarcastic/spiteful] I'll go back to the castle, and be a princess again. Get married to Prince Duk- [looks at Duke's body] somebody else. Then I'll sit on a throne for the rest of my life without being able to do anything fun. Maybe we'd be invaded or the peasants would revolt. Then I'd be out of a job
[pause] or a head. Wow, my life sucks.

[DRAGON stares at FLOWER blankly; FLOWER stares at the ground, then looks over to Prince Duke]

FLOWER: To hell with it. [walks over and kicks Prince Duke] To hell with you, to hell with the kingdom, to hell with my life! Dragon, I'm coming with you.

DRAGON: What? Where are we going?

FLOWER: Away from here, far away. I could be a manager for your flying, find you a sponsor or something. I just don't want to be a princess anymore.

DRAGON: Hmm… [Growls in agreement; smiles] Princess & Dragon, [testing the feel of it] not quite a vaudeville duo, but it could work. [Slower, thoughtfully] It could work.

[FLOWER shrugs, DRAGON and FLOWER exeunt; cheerful music plays?; PRINCE tries to get up, fails, collapses; stage attendant from before comes out and drags him offstage]